Reflection of Providence

The Welcome Mat reads...HOPE!

2012-01-28T08:38:00.000-08:00

It is virtually impossible to find someone who has not been affected by the thread of cancer in some form or fashion. I don't know of anyone in my immediate circle that doesn't know someone who has faced this disease. Even though it has been more than 20 years, watching my Grandfather's, who were salt of the earth, strong, hardworking men, wither & eventually succumb to cancer left an indelible mark on me. I was face to face with the real fragility of life.

The humbling privilege I have of working as a weekend manager at the American Cancer Society Hope Lodge is a complete God thing. I would have never sought out a job like this one on my own. Yet, I cannot explain the peace that comes over me when I walk into this building. It is almost other worldly. In this job I have learned what grace is. I know that I don't get a portion of grace to store up, but I only receive grace when I need it most. I still struggle with the thought, "am a doing a good job?" But, I do that in any job.

We all thrive on being heard, understood, & appreciated. We want to have some sort of value in this world - to know we have mattered to someone along the way. I love talking to the guests. Just this morning I sat down with a beautiful couple & we talked about a topic dear to my heart - young children. In that moment the stress & worry left all three of us & we just were able to sit, drink coffee, & share our narratives with each other.

If I believe that each human being was created by the Loving Creator, which I do, then what amazing worth they have. I slow down when I'm here. I listen more. I am conscientious of what I am saying and doing! God speaks to me in this place. He tenders my heart for Him & for others. As much as I hope I am being salve to the guests at the Hope Lodge, they are salve to me. There is a great joy that happens when you quiet down, stop for a moment, & think of others before yourself. This has nothing to do with me, but everything to do with a touch of providence.

There is also irony in the fact that I work at the Hope Lodge. For years I had searched for a way to work with the people of rural KY. I love Appalachia. My heart for the people in these communities is so deep. I know it doesn't come from me. Many of our guests are from rural KY. They come to a large city, for them anyway, & are scared, frightened, & unsure. God in His infinite wisdom is allowing me to minister to the people I have such a heart for. What are the odds of that? I am humbled & amazed at how we think our lives are going to turn out & what really is. This is a journey I would never have chosen for myself. It takes me out of my comfort zone. But, in that it makes the journey so much sweeter. Courage isn't the absence of fear, but doing something even though you are afraid.

It helps to have amazing people to work for & with. I love having community around me. People who have passion & drive for something more than the bottom dollar. Those that will come alongside of you when you are struggling & help lift you up, not watch you drown. The tireless efforts of these individuals & the character they display does not go unnoticed. Knowing people have got your back, before they even really have the chance to know you, is a rare gift. I don't know how to fully express in words what this means to me.

The American Cancer Society Hope Lodge is an amazing institution, with amazing people behind it, who are striving each and every day to care for the hurting. Our guests, bar none, are the best part of what we do. It is something you cannot fully understand until you are here. It is a gift to see the face of hope each & everyday!

So, dust off your shoes on the welcome mat, come on in, & know your are home in this HOPEfilled Lodge!

My Nanny Diaries!

2012-01-08T12:36:00.000-08:00

The one big thing that I have learned in the years Ihave taken care of children is what complete, complicated, emotional humanbeings they are! Yes, there are still areas where they are developing &growing, but they think, feel, & reason! It is in these moments when yourealize what an AMAZING Creator we truly have!

I have had the wonderful privilege of being acaretaker to seven amazing children for nearly four years! Six of those are inthe same household…

I would like to take a moment to share with you, asI have done every year, a little bit of who they are as “tiny humans”…

THE SCALF FAMILY

I had a dream one day that I would be able to have ajob where I would care for children, take them on adventures, cuddle them whenthey go scared, & encourage them to be brave! It has been a dream that hasbeen daily realized through my care of the Scalf children! While, there havebeen bumps, bruises, & hurts along this road, all in all it has been one ofthe richest gifts God has given me. Dave & Amy have taught me, inabundance, what it means to love, sacrifice, & give. They have shown whathealing looks like. The ache remains & slowly transforms us by its tenderhands!!! The joy of caring for their children has been transformative & Iknow, will make me a better Mother to my children one day!

SOPHIE GRACE

I love Sophie’s middle name. It captivates thespirit of this young woman. She is intelligent, one of the quickest wittedchildren I have ever seen, childlike & womanly all at the same time. Shecarries her emotions & sass on her sleeve! She is caring & tender. Shelikes to push boundaries & has extremely strong opinions, but this willfuel her drive in life. I pray that the grace & love she shows towardsothers will shine through, her childlike wonder will never leave, & herstrong will allows her to reach her dreams. Sophie got the kids to put a goodybasket for me! It was just a brown lunch bag with candy in it, but Sophie hadtaken the time to write a note from each child in the family. I took them home& read each one carefully. It was a truly precious moment of laughingthrough tears. All of the notes captured the personality of each child. Theywill be something I will keep with me forever! I love when she gets a case ofthe “sillies”!!! Her laughter can make the world go round. I love when sherests her head on my shoulder or snuggles with me on the couch. This doesn’thappen as much as she has gotten older, but having her in my life, those smallmoments, are cherished times.

AIDEN JOSEPH

His laugh can also make the world go round. When heis happy your day is infinitely better. I love when he gets excited! He is acomplicated internal young man with deep emotions. He feels things deeply &thinks about things deeply. He looks at this world with an inquisitive mind,trying to figure it out. Things are very black & white with Aiden. He is anamazing big brother. A typical boy who loves to laugh at all the gross stuffboys never quite get over finding funny. When he & his best friend Ethanget together there is no telling what will be said. Aiden rarely shows physicalaffection, but when he does, it will melt your heart! He is a protector. While,he can drive his sister Haley completely batty (they have a typical brother/sister relationship), if anyone was to try to harm her or say ugly things abouther he would be on them in a second. He loves scary movies, books, & justbeing silly. I have a lot in common with him & I LOVE talking about lifewith him. His love for God & others is evident! There is no telling whatwill come from this man in the future. I am certainly excited to see what itis. I hope to continue to have deep meaningful conversations with him in thefuture.

HALEY ELIZABETH

This is the first year I get to give her name &put her picture up! She is now an adopted member of the family. Haley is probablyone of the most loving children I have ever met. She is extremely intelligent &funny! She loves being a part of life. She can barely stand being left out. Sheis the first to give hugs & kisses to me. She is always eager to be myhelper. I love teaching her to cook. Our baking days are so much fun. She isexpressive & silly. She is one of the best snugglers I know. I absolutelylove snuggling on the couch with her watching, giggling, & talking aboutsome of my favorite cartoons as a child. Haley likes to be in control, but Ithink it is do in great part to having no control in her early life! She canfeel untethered when she loses control & her emotions collapse. She had abreakdown with me last week. God gave me a real picture of myself! When Ibecome untethered I quickly lose control & my emotions collapse. God oftenhas to take me kicking & screaming down the hall where I need to be. Inthat moment I had such deep love & compassion for Haley. Even in thisreckless moment she was one of the most amazing young girls I know. I saw howGod sees me! I won’t lie that I pray for her most of any of the Scalf children,but I also have this sure peace that God is going to do amazing things withthis little spirit! When she says, “I love you Melissa” it is almost myundoing! Her heart is as deep as the sea. She is utterly captivating & Ilove her.

WYATT BENJAMIN

When I look back on the amazing journey this littleman has taken, what he has had to overcome, & the spirited gift he is, I amfully confident in a great God of infinite & real miracles. If you lookedat Wyatt today, other than the glasses he wears, you would never know he was ashaken baby. He is a walking, talking miracle. You would never know that hedidn’t really start walking until he was 2 & talking around 2 ½! The childruns, jumps, plays, & talks non-stop about anything & EVERYTHING! Donot say anything you don’t want repeated, because he listens to everything! Heis inquisitive & concerned about others more than himself. Now, that doesn’tmean he isn’t strong willed & doesn’t want his way. However, he is thefirst person to come to someone’s defense. He does not want anyone sad orhurting - he considerate of others feelings. I remember us walking into my Mom’shouse & he saw a wreath. He asked her what it was. She told him & hesaid, “I love it!” If he wants something he usually says, “Ms. Melissa wouldyou please get this for me?” It is rare that he won’t say thank you. He lovesto go. The boy would go all the time if you let him, but whenever I take thekids out he always thanks me & tells me what a good time he had. We playwho’s the silliest, he usually starts, “Melissa, you are so silly!” “No, Wyatt,you are silly!”…& on it goes. Sometimes out of the blue he will go, “Melissa,I love you!” He is an utter gift! God has got a future & plan for thisyoung man & I hope I will be on the sidelines cheering him on!!!

STEVEN DANIEL

Forever & always my boy! I am so proud of thebeautiful playful spirit he has. He wears his emotions on his sleeve. He givesthe most amazing bear hugs you have EVER had. He lives for laughter, but doesn’tlike to be the center of attention. He is speech delayed, but there is very littlehe cannot communicate. Some of my favorite words he uses are “piss” for kiss& “bitch” for bridge. Don’t be alarmed, he isn’t cussing at you, he justwants to give you a kiss or show you a bridge! Every morning we are driving toschool &, without fail, he screams out “Walmart”! The other day we weregetting out of the car to go into school. He gets out, stands there for aminute, climbs back in the car & sits in Wyatt’s seat! I ask him what he isdoing & responds with one word, “told” (cold)! He calls me “Sissy” or “Sissa”.One morning I was picking out clothes & I hear him call down the hallway, “Sissa,where you go?” One of my favorite things is when he is excited to show mesomething & he grabs my hand & says, oh so excitedly, “come ear, comeear!” If you get on to him he will often fold his arms across his chest, huff,& say, “I mad at you!” I love his expressive spirit, his heart, hepersonality…I know that God is going to provide a very specific & wonderfulroad for him to walk on.

BABY “R”

Oh boy, the one we didn’t know we needed!!!! Thischild is forever cracking me up. Amy & I marvel at her genius. She is thefirst on target child we have had & it often throws me for a curve. She hasa personality to rival anybody. Watch out kids because a new hen has arrived torule the roost. When you take her picture she just smiles as big & prettyas you please. She knows what she wants & doesn’t mind telling you in nouncertain terms. She LOVES to dance. That booty shakes & that head sways tothe rhythm…baby got moves! She has just really started snuggling. I was gone agood bit over Christmas break & when I came back & picked her up shelaid her head on my shoulder & stroked her fingers across my arm. Irealized one day, after about an hour & a half, that she wasn’t going totake a nap. It wasn’t because she was crying; it was because she was playing! Iwalk in to find her standing on her head with the “ba-ba” between her legs! Sheis so goofy & an utter ham! I love her stinky face…she will scrunch thatnose up, grin, & sniff through her nose. I don’t worry a moment about whatcomes her way. She handles it with confidence & outgoing tenacity. She is aTRUE GIFT!!!

THE MEADOWS FAMILY

I had the privilege 2 years ago to take care ofEthan during the summer. It has been a treasure to get to know Aiden’s bestfriend. I have also had the great honor of getting to know the wonderfullygenerous & caring people that are Doug & Beth Meadows. I am so blessedon this journey to see God’s love manifest in others.

ETHAN

I relate to this boy in so many ways! We love thesame things…pirates, movies, make-believe, & wonder. He is truly one of themost creative young men I know. His wit & humor is beyond compare. One day,we had been watching a marathon of the Pirates of the Caribbean; he comes outcompletely decked in a pirate outfit. He had a pirate hat, he had made a swordfrom an old plastic arrow he had, which he attached a piece of construction paper,he had tied a toy gun around his waist with a belt…all I could think in thismoment, was utter genius!!! In a world where so many children have lost theirsense of imaginative play it is deliciously wonderful to see that spirit. He isa gifted artist & I have no idea how God is going to use that in thefuture. He makes me laugh, he is caring & compassionate! He loves to laugh& as I said before, when Aiden & he are together there is no tellingwhere the day is going to go. He is so good with the other Scalf children.Wyatt loves him & I love watching Ethan be tender & caring with him. Itis an honor to know this treasured gift. I cannot wait to see all the amazingthings he will do in the future.

Let There Be Light...An Awakening to Advent!

2011-12-24T11:47:00.000-08:00

"A prison cell, in which one waits, hopes...and is completely dependent on the fact that the door of freedom has to be opened from the outside, is not a bad picture of Advent." - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

"While fulfilling these sacred obligations at the temple, they encountered a man in Jerusalem named Simeon. He was a just an pious man, anticipating the liberation for Israel from her troubles. He was a man in touch with the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit had revealed to Simeon that he would not die before he had seen the Lord's Liberating King. The Spirit had led him to the temple that day, and there he saw the child Jesus in the arms of His parents, who were fulfilling their sacred obligations..." - Luke 2: 25-28, The Voice

“Christmas has lost its meaning for us because we have lost the spirit of expectancy. We cannot prepare for an observance. We must prepare for an experience.” Handel Brown

I don't know when God told Simeon he would see the Christ. In my imaginings I feel it might have been in his youth. Simeon a young man full of expectations & dreams, striving to follow God's heart. In his eagerness I wonder if he caught glimpses only to be disappointed when it wasn't what God had promised. I wonder if he ever just completely gave up all hope of that promise becoming an actuality.

The struggles of my faith have often left me staggering from shattered dreams, heartbreaks, unexpected turmoil. The chere magnitude of this fallen world can often open up & swallow you hole. In the midst of the the blackness & pain it is hard to find the light. The pitch turns us in circles, clawing for a bright moment.

In these moments of deep pain is where I meet God. He comes seeking me in these times because He knows I will have an open heart, eyes to see & ears to hear, to what He has for me. I am so eternally thankful for the thousand broken dreams, heartaches, and misfortunes that come my way. Do I sometimes wish this road wasn't so painful...yes! But, in the end if it wasn't for the pain I could not feel His restoration, His plan, & His love for me!

As He promised Simeon that He would see the Christ, so God has given me a clear vision of the horizon. The beautiful cascading sunset of rich amber, purple, & gold has not lost its magic for me. I've lost sight of it from time to time in the forest of my own self-pity, but it is an amazing thing...this hope He sets in our hearts. He NEVER gives up on us. The shere thought of the God of the Universe losing his Deity, of His own free will, to come as a helpless baby can leave you breathless. What manner of love is this?

Throughout the Christmas story, the birth of Jesus, you see people praising God. The angels, Mary, Elizabeth...the glory goes back to Him every time!

"Now, Lord and King, You can let me, Your humble servant, die in peace. You promised me that I would see with my own eyes what I'm seeing now: Your liberation, Raised up in the presence of all peoples. He is the light who reveals Your message to the other nations, and He is the shining glory of your covenant people, Israel." - Luke 2: 29-32, The Voice

I love the resolution in this proclamation that Simeon gives. It is like a deep intake of breath. A sigh, a comfort, that God does what He says He is going to do.

The past two years I have just barely begun scratching the surface of the Advent season. I feel like a baby who has taken her first bite of solid food. It is exhilarating & a little scary. Uncertain if I know how to work my mouth around this new substance, quite certain I will choke on its magnitude.

The lighting of a candle is such a holy experience. You can see why the Catholic faith allows you to light a candle for someone. This tiny little flame will illumine an entire room, casting the darkness to the far corners. The closer you get to the flame the clearer you can see the things around it. You can also feel the precious heat coming from its amber glow. If you pick it up and carry it with you the shadows & darkness will flee where you tread. In the presence of this tiny flame your heart slows, your mind is more reflective. There is a quietness in the moment that cannot be found anywhere else.

HOPE...the first candle lit...the hope that Jesus came as a baby, he healed the sick & comforted the hurting, He died on the cross & rose again, & one glorious day He is coming again.

LOVE...the second candle lit...what manner of love is this that would forsake all to come as a Lamb for slaughter to rescue his beloved.

PEACE...the third candle lit...what delicious peace we find in the love of Christ. We are settled in our faith, assured of our future in His abundant care!

JOY...the fourth candle lit...JOY TO THE WORLD!!!! What a wonderful celebration...He is here, He is risen, He abides with us...the living breathing, literal Immanuel, God with US!

JESUS...the final candle lit...White as He made us...saving us from sin, loving us, giving us a hope!

Happy Birthday Jesus...oh incarnate one...holy, lowly, & divine! Oh find favor in this humble heart of mine, be reborn in me this night!

AGH The Movie, The Second Act!

2011-12-09T21:35:00.001-08:00

It seems like a lifetime has passed since WaverlyHills - the etching of that night still strong in my mind. The memory of thatwonderful evening will never leave me. I will hold onto it & treasure it asone of those moments in time where you realize you are just along for the ride.This moment is not a result of anything you have done, but a deep privilege –so enjoy it!

I knew so little of AGH. I am so thankful for thatnow. I didn’t have the opportunity to goin with any pre-conceived ideas of the movie or the individuals. The experiencebegan as a completely blank canvas which, in the end, was filled with the mostcomplex, rich, colorful painting imaginable.

In the five months since, my personal life has takensome wonderfully unexpected & painfully beautiful turns. The harddecisions, the wounds I caused, the fear of things never getting put backtogether were, it turns out, rich blessings in disguise. I suddenly understoodthat I could take hard change & that there is joy in suffering. My lifefeels a little more solid. I’m starting to grapple with those scary ugly thingsI would have just shoved back. Heck, I’m writing again, which is pretty amazingin my book.

Initially, I found it extremely difficult to let goof my first AGH Movie event. The feeling it leaves with you is palpable. I waschecking Twitter (something I hadn’t done in about six months) on a dailybasis, looking for updates online, etc… Yes, I will admit it, I was a wee bitobsessed ;)! As change began to take place in my life the obsession began toslack into an acceptable appreciation, respect, & joy for the AGH crew& most especially the movie.

The American Ghost Hunter Movie is truly one ofthose definable documentaries that make you feel an experience. As I’ve saidnumerous times this documentary truly touches on the threads of suffering &hope we all face as humans. If you have read any of the reviews, blogs, orwatched any of the video blogs & reviews you will know that I’m not alone.

People are grasping onto this little film with a bigmessage. My hope is that, as it gains popularity, it will give voice to the importance,heart, a validity of the paranormal & paranormal research. It will makeother viewers brave to share their story, make a change in their lives, oractually go for that dream that has been with them forever. My prayer is thatit will simply make people feel, think, & dialogue together.

I love this film. It is as simple as that.

This Sunday, December 11^th, 2012 will be thesecond & closing act for me & the AGH Movie. I have purposefullydistanced myself from the where, what, when, & how of the Winter Tour. Istill feel like I’ve done a good job, my part, in promoting the heck out of itwhen & where I can, but I’m not really checking Twitter or Facebook. I’mnot purposefully grasping for information. The reason, well, I want thisexperience to be new. There is nothing like experiencing the American GhostHunter Movie for the first time. I will never be able to recreate thatexperience. But, I want to go into this experience as I did the first, with no preconceivedideas or notions of how it will be.

I’m extremely excited & humbled to get to seeeveryone again. I’m also looking forward to meeting new people, because AGHfans are some the coolest & most amazing people out there. I’m stoked thatI get to see the film a second time & I pray I will savor the experience.Apart from that I’m getting on the ride. I’m choosing to step my foot up on themoving train, feel the rumble beneath my feet & allow the rush of wind totake my breath way. Sunday evening will have nothing to do with me, butsomething far greater than myself.

So, it is with great anticipation that I say, drawthe curtain, dim the lights, sit back & enjoy...THE AMERICAN GHOST HUNTERTHE MOVIE!

After Lexington they will be in:

Cincinnati, OH on the 12^th

Fort Wayne, IN on the 13^th

Chicago, IL on the 14^th

Iowa City, IA on the 15^th

Des Moines, IA on the 16^th (IndexcaseRocking it out that night!)

Omaha, NE on the 18^th

Manhattan, KS on the 19^th

& Tulsa, OK on the 20^th!

For reviews, info, & updates check out www.aghthemovie.com.

Ache!

2011-12-03T13:16:00.001-08:00

There is always a dull ache for me to put pen toparchment. It usually happens at the most inopportune moments. When I’mworking, driving, or doing basic algebra. I used to write every day…EVERY DAY!Now my journal is collecting dust & I find it increasingly more difficultto hold onto those epiphany moments. This time of year would usually consist ofHot Chocolate, Christmas music & my little fingers stroking the keyboardpouring out some sappy, slightly melodramatic Christmas story for all to read.I’m missing these moments…the moments that made me a bit saner. I’ve been a weebit neurotic here lately. I’m playing the “pretty please” game…”pretty pleasewon’t you like me!” I’m driving myself a bit batty. I feel untethered, lost& floating in an expanse of nothingness. I feel, often, like I’m peering inat my life through a porthole. This rich, amazing, unbelievable life God hasgiven me.

I’ve been treating my heart a bit like an ash heap -the refuse of this life spilling in making it unusable & stinky. My desireto figure this journey out has completely overwhelmed the mystery. If I’m good enoughtry hard enough, strive to see down the road, then I might create a life otherswill view rich, full, and complete.

Something didn’t happen yesterday. It was a tinylittle thing I wanted. I felt if I got this thing it would soothe the ache, theswallowed up feeling. When it didn’t come I felt so utterly lost in despair. Iwas gripped with the painful fear of being found out. “You’re a fake!” “You’rea loser!” “You seriously think that!” Sometimes I question God for creating mewith such palpable consuming emotions. It is the tender part of me that makesme more aware of the hurting & suffering of others, but it also can be acrutch I lean on. It takes time for me to expose my layers to people, but Iwant an intimacy and closeness instantaneously. The sweet aromatic perfume ofintimacy takes time. It isn’t a, “wam, bam, thank you mam”, one night stand!True intimacy, like a fine wine, takes years to cultivate all the layers &notes of which one can drink deeply & savor.

This journey isn’t meant to be easy. It isn’t meantto be lived in the shallow box of self-absorption either. There is pain,heartache, suffering, fear, despair, & uncertainty. To risk these things inthe effort of finding love, joy, peace, hope, purpose, & life is the fineart of what real intimacy is about. When I say that I just want to love onpeople I really mean that. It isn’t some fake nice thing to say. I appreciatewhen people call me nice & sweet. It means a lot that these traits are soeasily seen in me. But, it feels to me at times like calling a puppy “nice& sweet” when you aren’t the one cleaning up the messes it makes all overthe floor. There is a complexity to me, to each of us, that cannot be graspedat that first initial meeting. My deepest desire is for someone to see thewonderfully tragic mess I am, the beautiful flawed child of a loving God, &get that this is where my passion for love comes from. Let’s throw awaypretense, let the walls come down a little, & love for real.

I’m 31 years old & just plain tired of playinggames. I’m plain tired of trying to get people to like me. It honestly might bea little refreshing, while hard, for me to hear that someone doesn’t like me. Idon’t think the “pretty please” game is working for me anymore. I need genuine.To be completely honest, I’ve roll played so much that I don’t know what thatlooks like. We all put on faces, I know this. All I have to do is look atFacebook to see that. It is another mask worn to show people the ideal we wantthem to see. As Sara Groves says, “there are so many fakers; I myself havefaked it I should know!”

I don’t really know where I’m going with this atall. I just started writing. If I didn’t I was going to implode, ashes carriedupon the wind. When my life is over I pray that someone will say that girlloved, she lived, God’s light shown all through her cracked Alabaster…she wasno charlatan.

I don’t know what my life is going to look like in10 years. The dreams & plans I had got whittled away by the Master’s hand.I am so unbelievably stubborn. I am not moldable clay in His hands. He has hadto cut so much dry cracked clay from me I’m surprised there is anything usableleft…yet, He uses it! In my mess He makes a masterpiece. I do not understandthis mysterious wondrous God I serve. I do not know why He puts up with me…farbe it, loves me with reckless abandon. I treat Him so poorly.

My heart is a barren wasteland, but this is when Hegets to shine. He gets to come in & clean up all the yuckyness. So inconclusion, my head thrown back, raspy voice singing:

“My body’s tired from trying to bring you here. Mybrow is furrowed trying to see thing clear. So I’ll turn my back to the black& fall…& wait for the mystery to rise up & meet me…” – Sara Groves.

¹⁵ But those who suffer he delivers in their suffering;
he speaks to them in their affliction.

¹⁶ “He is wooing you from the jaws of distress
to a spacious place free from restriction,
to the comfort of your table laden with choice food.

- Job 36: 15-16

Riding Through This World!

2011-10-17T18:35:00.000-07:00

There are very few truly compelling TV shows outthere anymore. Even those that get a lot of buzz seem to be missing that onevital piece of the puzzle. It’s great television, riveting even, with a wholelot of character driven moments, but it misses the heart as a whole. It playsto what the audience will like, not what the audience needs.

When I first started watching “Sons of Anarchy” Iwould have never thought it would quickly become one of my favorite shows. Ittruly is a show that goes against the norm & gives the audience what itneeds.

The strong plot, family ties, & rich charactersmake this world come alive for me. The creator, writers, directors, actors thatbring this piece together are so talented that the journey to becoming deeplyinvested in those living in Charming is easy.

Gemma, Gemma, Gemma…is the second reason I stayglued in. Well, really all the strong female characters. The strength, heart,& fierce love these women have, with all their faults & mistakes exposedis something I haven’t seen on television.

The characters in general are what compel me. Theseare real people - in every sense of the word. I can believe these individualsexist.

Being a great lover of dialect, I love the waylanguage is used. I love, whether it is purposed or not, how each characteruses his/her voice. It is like a fine tuned orchestra.

I think a lot of times characters often become caricatures.Just when I think I’ve gotten someone figured out on Sons I’m surprised. Ithink Tig is one of my most loved characters for this reason alone. The way heinteracted with his daughter in the last episode made me cry. I don’t think inseason one I would have ever expected for the loving & gentle heart of Tigto make me cry, but that is the beautiful part of this show. You’re dealingwith the good, bad, ugly, beautiful, scary, heartfelt, deceitful, loving,harshly breathtaking complexity of the human spirit. We aren’t one thing. Weare deep, complex, & often unfathomable. Usually, just when you think youhave figured out a person they will surprise you.

The use of music in this show can sometimes take mybreath away. It layers the emotion in a way that is deeply heartbreaking &moving. It is almost more than I can bear. I love when an artist in film ortelevision can marry an actor’s performance with the perfect song. It isevident that painstaking care is given to find songs that emote exactly whatneeds to be felt within that episode. It is by far the most riveting and simpletool & very few can do it with the eloquence of a subtle brush stroke.

Finally, I think Kurt Sutter is a huge part of why Ilove this show. If you manage to make me a fan of your work, you usually haveme for life. So it is with Mr. Sutter. He has created a world of escape &genuine heart. Yes, I have to admit, there is a bit of a crush there. It islike the line in the movie “In America” where Paddy Considine’s character isasking Djimon Hounsou’s character if he is in love with his wife. Hounsou’scharacter responds with, “no, I’m in love with you!” He goes on to say that heis in love with him, his wife, and his two beautiful children. He is in lovewith anything that has life! (I’m paraphrasing a lot!). So it is with the SOAfamily.

This show came to me in happenstance, but I ameternally grateful that it did. Thank you to each individual that is involvedwith the making of this amazing work of art. You not only give us one hell of aride, but generous doses of heart, humor, & hope. Thank you for portrayingcomplex fallible characters that make real mistakes with real consequences. Youhave woven a wonderful tapestry. I cannot wait to look back on the finishedwork.

SOA for LIFE!!!

PS…Katey Sagal, you have shown ALL of us what youcan do!

Sons of Anarchy Website

The Mystery!

2011-10-06T12:48:00.000-07:00

I see my faith before me
It’s always there before me
And I can no more own it
Than I can own the road that I am on.

I don’t know where it leads me
I don’t know where it leads me
Peace and resurrection
Suffering and dejection
I don’t know.

And my body’s tired
From trying to bring you here.
And my brow is furrowed
Trying to see things clear.

So I’ll turn my back to the black
And fall
And wait for the mystery
To rise up and meet me.

-Mystery, Sara Groves

There is a distinct reason why this brilliant woman is one of my favorite artists. She has a genuine and simply honest vulnerability that cuts to the core of who I am. Her music is like a bond of hope and purpose to my ever cracking alabaster.
These last few months, to say the least, have been extremely painful for me. I’ve struggled with the who’s, the why’s, the “my faults” of it all. I desperately try to grasp hold with tangible hands to fix the order that inevitably keeps slipping out of my control. The art of truly letting go, surrender, still eludes me.

However, I am learning in the fall of my life that letting go is the only way to reside with Him. In my teens I was too self-righteous, in my twenties too self-absorbed. This season, as the cascade of color falls on the canvas of my life, I feel used up & discarded. The wasteland of ash left by the refiner’s fire is where I find myself. It is where He, infinite, wise & loving, finds me too. He picks me up out of the ash, dusts me off & polishes me up - making all things new. This is where He does His best work. He truly works the best out of the ashes.

I love Fall. Everything about it speaks to me. The brilliant changing colors, the rich foods, & decadent smells. The wonder in the crisp air & breathtaking sky. It is the time of year I feel most alive. Is it any wonder that God would use this season of my life to do the most wondrous work?

I went for a walk this afternoon on the local “Walking Trail”. I love the rich landscape of this beautiful area. A tractor was mowing & the exotic smells of wildflowers, hay, onion, & green grass were intoxicating. I was halfway through the course when I felt a distinct urging to fall to my knees before the Lord. I brushed it off. I felt foolish. The overwhelming urge hit me again, almost knocking me off my knees this time. I knelt in the shade & prayed. Nothing other worldly happened, except that I was obedient. I made a choice today to stop asking for what I wanted, & simply take a moment to sit with God. I allowed Him to love on me & minister to my little broken heart.

I am in complete awe of Him. Complete & utter awe at the fact that He is who He is!!!!!!!!!!!!

He gives us what we need. It doesn’t mean He will give us what we want. The hard, difficult, painful times are only proof that He loves us…just as much as the wonderful, joyful, exciting times.

My prayer has been for Him to restore my first loves. One of those is writing. I am doing it today with no restraint, little fear, & hope. The second, is for Him…I, without a doubt, in no way would be seeking Him in earnest if I was not going through this season of my life.

I am desperately trying not to run ahead of myself – to take it moment by moment. There is a reason He says tomorrow will take care of itself. We are not supposed to own tomorrow or yesterday. We are supposed to reside in this brilliant moment that He has given us. He wants to captivate us in utter wonder at this very moment. He is constantly providing miracles for us & we are too stressed & overwhelmed with trying to fix everything that we miss it. We miss Him.

I don’t want to miss Him anymore. I hope this lesson is learned. I fear it isn’t. For now, I’m taking this small moment as I sit in my computer room. I am looking out at the breathtakingly beautiful day & thankful for the Fall…the season of my life…the rescuing arms that wait for me as I let go!

SIN!

2011-07-18T18:07:00.000-07:00

It's like waking up in pitch! Not just the mere black before your eyes, but the HOT, HIGH, fevered sweat that flows over fom the heat. The fumes flood the senses causing your stomach to heave until you expel the waste upon the black tide. This only adds to the putrid smell. In the end, the worst part isn't an upset stomach, the heat, or that you cannot see a hair beyond your head. It's simply the "stuckness" of it all. This binding feeling of not being able to move. You can't right yourself. The more you wiggle the more you mire...what is the use of fighting anyway!

The Etching of A Friend!

2011-07-07T11:38:00.000-07:00

(I wrote a previous blog with this title, but I've decided to sort of ignore this particular journal entry & re-write my thoughts currently.)

I fear rejection. I know what you think of me. I can read your mind. I'm an extremely internal person. It is so difficult for me to let that wall down & let others in. I deeply desire intimacy, but often shudder at the thought of what I will have to do to get it.

The fear of being too much or not enough echos in my mind. I tend, once I've tasted a small drop of intimacy from someone, to go overboard. It is very difficult for me to find a balance.

Nonetheless, there is a deep yawning need for intimacy in my life. I just need to be me - all of me. I need that person to love all of it - the good, the bad, the ugly! This I have found with only a precious few!

I love to encourage. I love to give. It is far more comfortable for me to listen, to give, to be an encourager, than it is for me to extend myself. Putting myself out there, being vulnerable with another person about the dark complex layers of my soul is extremely scary. I don't necessarily need someone to fix it. I'm not always in search of advice. I need a safe space for my heart to be. It is hard to continually put it out there only to have it squashed. However, like the Sara Groves song "Like a Lake" states, "I will hold my heart wide open, like the surface of a lake...wide open like a lake."

I would say those who know me best are my two sisters. Even then, there is a lot I hold back. I keep things just under the surface. However, they are deep blessings to my soul. A safe space for my heart to reside.

God has seen fit to give me a few blessed "soul sisters". Those sisters of a different Mother. You just know you had to be separated a birth. They get me when I ramble incessantly. When together, we rarely touch the surface of pleasantries, but instantly go deep to the root. It's rich, powerful, almost to much. It is a vulnerable, deeply rich & intoxicating thing to be known that deeply. Just simply to be wanted...to be valued. That my pains, hurts, joys, laughter, & tears are important is an indescribable feeling. In these moments I see God. I see His love manifest in these beautiful earthly beings so masterfully created. That I get to see a small glimpse of glory through them is a gift of the highest cost. I love when a relationship changes you - makes you a better human.

My fear can get the better of me. The last thing I would ever wish is to be is a bother to anyone. I never want to be judging or untruthful. I truly feel my purpose on this earth is to love and encourage. I desire deeply for individuals to see their great worth as creations of the Most High. I want them to understand the TRUE character of God & how He is the utter definition of what intimacy looks like. I want people to live from their heart...to live from JOY! God is taking me on this wonderful journey. I want to be as real, honest, and open as I can be, but I've also come to this deep realization that not everyone is going to want me to be that.

It doesn't take long to etch out what true friendship is! It's saying you are the most important thing to me right now. I'm making a Heaven memory this moment with you. We are choosing to laugh, to cry, to curse, to praise, to get to those hard to reach & painful layers. If I can be completely safe in those soul moments when my heart is exposed, all is on the table, & nothing is hidden...it creates the most beautiful painting on the wall!

I need to be needed. We all do!

I have a friend that loves me. She calls me far more than I call her. She always tells me how beautiful I look. She understands when I talk about boys. She'll share in thinking someone else is cute. She gives these little goody bags to me that mean more than she will ever know. She just enjoys sharing the same space with me. It is a wonderfully delicious place to be. I love her dearly.

I have a friend that gets me. She just absolutely loves me for who I am. "Lovin' a person the way they are that's no small thing...that's that's the whole thing!" (Sara Groves). She'll send me a text to tell me that she has prayed for me that day! She listens. She listens. She listens. It is such a huge thing to have someone really listen to me. She is always honest, but sensitive. She is open to my thoughts & ideas. I am completely convinced that we could change the world if others would just listen to us ;)

Then I have a friend who appreciates me. She appreciates the girl time we have together. We close down restaurants when we go out. She shares her journey with me so openly & honestly, and then, you know what she does? She makes it a point to ask about my journey! She makes it a point to explore those dark & beautiful facets of who I am. It is an extremely vulnerable place to be. It is a lovely safe secure place to be. I appreciate her more than she knows.

There are people in this life that just get me. They don't judge me. They simply love me. I find this with my best friend since high school. We just love on each other. We encourage one another. We do life with one another. She knows the ins & the outs of who I am, yet she still thinks I'm a pretty amazing woman. I think she is super-woman. She is a wonderful wife & Mommy & she gives of herself daily!

My sisters, as I've mentioned before, are just my solace! We may not always agree. We often come at things differently, but I think we have a wonderful respect for each other. We have those delicious change the world talks. They are the most complex, beautiful, amazing women I know in my life. I truly would take less in my journey to see them have more. Their complexities, strengths, & weaknesses are breathtaking to behold. They are all in all...CAPTIVATING women. I'm so thankful that God fashioned us together.

The "Etching of a Friend" is a lifetime process. We are constantly growing and evolving. As women, we need to love, encourage, and support one another. Tell each other how beautiful, funny, & smart we are.

Let's look to God as our guide to fellowship with one another!

"Love not of you, love not of me, come hold us up come set us free...not as we know it, but as it can be!" - Sara Groves!

An Artist's Blog!

2011-07-06T19:36:00.000-07:00

First written 3/6/09

I love me some Jason Mraz. His witty intelligent way of engaging the world. I love to read his blog. Intelligence is sexy. He has it in great abundance.

I actually had to quell my heart quivers & face blushes for a time by NOT reading his blog :).

On the more important side of things, he always compels me to write - big fat rich ideas flood to the surface. I grab my worn edged journal & begin quickly transcribing my flying thoughts on paper.

In no way do I want to transplant his thoughts into my blog, nor do I believe I can interpret them. I would like to share some of the ideas he gave, to the best of my meager ability, & expound on my own.

THIS IS MY BLOG! (Mwahahahahahaha! - maniacal laughing is long & gives you hand cramps! - if of course, you transcribed this in your journal & then transferred it to your blog :)

Mr. Mraz is very prolific & I envision him being much like myself - not being able to expel his thoughts as quickly as he can think them.

He made some very interesting points about love - WE SHOULD BE IT! (He was determined to do it, no more excuses!)

In love with nature, he talked about planting a seed & impacting the physical/natural world with our deed long after we were gone. He relishes in the beauty of nature - finding comfort and solace in the spiritual.

He explained that on a fateful New Year's Eve he went to spend some time with nature & himself. He was searching for a sign to know he was on the right path & was granted a shooting star. He also talked about a breathtaking moon being the reflecting/refracting light off of frozen ice particles.

He shared his feelings on humanity & how he felt we were all interlinked. We didn't cause our heart to beat or a child to be formed & shaped. All of us are deeply connected; sharing in each others pains, struggles, joys, & peace. What we do effects others both positively and negatively! WHAT WE DO MATTERS!

My mind was both racing & jumbled. We come at this thing differently. He, a spiritual man. I, a christian woman. Where he sees reflected light off ice particles I see God's masterpiece taking shape (for He placed the crystals there & caused the light to shine).

We absolutely should be love, share love, explore love, expound on love. I serve the Author of Love - God Almighty! The very definition of the art of love. He is the manifestation of all that action entails & so much more. It is neither binding or restrictive & does not come in a religious formula. In its truest form, just being lived out, it is both intoxicating & settling!

Planting a seed, what we all can do? God called us to be the watch care of the Earth. We can also plant soul seeds - nourishing & preserving another life with hope & grace! We can deepen & strengthen our roots in His soil!

A shooting star - God showing off & giving a young man great hope for the coming year! God is the ULTIMATE artist & the most incredible naturalist. He loves infusing His breath into every atom & particle. Nature displays His glory not matter how we look at it!

Truth, we don't cause our heart to beat or create life. We do not fill our lungs with air. It is all a GREAT BIG BEAUTIFUL GIFT! God is an abundant giver...an abundant Lover!

He is not closed minded or cold-hearted. His path, while it may be hard to find, is open & winding. It is a great & wondrous mystery. A mystery that is beautiful, scary, delicious, full, rich, overpowering, &...completely worth it!

I am so thankful for this artist. He brings a little smile to my soul. I sent Jason a little thank you & hopefully a little encouragement. Love is a great thing to share. I'm not holding back, no more excuses...

To View Mr. Mraz's Journal go to: http://jasonmraz.com/index.php#/journal/

What does surrender look like?

2011-07-04T11:51:00.001-07:00

Written 9/9/07

So, I say that it is about surrender or the "art of surrender", but I'm struggling with the "how"...

What does it really mean to surrender my ALL to God?

I think first we need to recognize the character of God. My pastor has been talking a lot about God's justice. It is nice to be familiar with God, but do we sacrifice reverent fear for comfortable familiarity? When we say things like "God's my bro", "the big man in the sky", "Jesus is my homeboy" it cheapens the very essence of who the Divine is.

He is HOLY - set apart - other!

It is great to liken God to your husband, which is the status I find most familiar for myself. However, He is also the Lord Almighty, Loving King, Gracious Father, Prince of Peace, Lamb of Judah, Rock of Jesse, All Powerful, All Knowing, All in All...I AM!

He is the same God from Old to New! We cannot embrace the God of the New Testament while dismissing the Old as irrelevant. Jesus is God!

I think we have lost sight of God's justice, sovereignty, power, & majesty. We don't tremble enough because we don't worship the God who is. There is a wide chasm between the God we want & the God who is.

I have been living the "old me" these last several months with very little concern for the consequences. I asked God to reveal Himself to me for who He really was a long time ago. People didn't go up & pat Him on the back & say, "how's it going". When they encountered God they often trembled, glowed, were blinded - face down on the ground, touching the hem of His robe. They obeyed, they marveled, they were left changed. They could not help but proclaim who He was even in mockery.

He has done so much in my life. I often think that much of what I say on "Blogger" & "Facebook" is deceit. How I want what I say to be the actions of my heart?

So, as I travel on this new journey I will ask you...what does surrender look like?

For me, it is Mary Mother of Jesus. She is a true and amazing example of the unquestionable will to follow the Lord. I love her so much because I am so unlike her. She astounds me in her caring for the Son of God. She pondered & kept everything in her heart. She rejoiced in God & doing His will.

Luke 1: 46-55 (http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke%201:%2046-55&version=NIV)

Front Porch Journey

2011-05-27T17:54:00.001-07:00

My heart was drawn to my front porch this evening. I was beckoned by the crisp night air & the ever changing sky. I chose three half read books, my journal, The Voice New Testament, & a Taste of Home Magazine. I lifted a silent prayer as I sat on my ever sagging front porch bench. I was transfixed by the wonder of the moving painting above me. The birds sang their song in delight. Loud exhausts fired & died under gentle fingertips. Neighborhood children ran & played & giggled this fine May evening.

I was restless. I had attempted with all my might to avoid this trip to the porch. It had been over a month since I had a proper date with God. I didn't want to have a date with God. I was scared of the disconnect. I was uncertain if the only thing I would hear were the birds chirping.

I read about the "ontological density" which is "the lack of deep groundedness of being" in my Ransomed Heart Newsletter. In the simple Newsletter God met me. He often does with John's thoughts. I am SO disconnected. I'm not plugged in. I choose to unplug the connection I have with Christ. I choose to forsake my marriage bed with Christ and go whoring about. It is an unending exhausting cycle. In my feeble & desperate need to connect to something...to feel alive, I attach myself to all the wrong things. These last weeks it has been the show "Sons of Anarchy"...especially the character Jax.

Jesus said, "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free" (John 8:31-32). Most folks know the last half of the verse (the truth will set you free) like they know the second half of John 10:10. The truth doesn't set you free until you 1) know it, 2) hold fast to it, and 3) put it into practice. The greek is menos my logos; abide in, make your home in, be grounded in my embodied truth. It is disciples, Jesus says, who are set free by truth. A disciple is someone on their way to groundedness. - John Eldredge, Ransomed Heart Newsletter, May 2011.

Jesus still met me...even though all I've been doing is putting Him on the back burner of my life.

The next thing I picked up was my journal. I have been re-reading my entries. I came across this one from 2007:

Everything I'm feeling about my life right now...
Confused, scared, uncertain, hopeful, restless, desiring more, seeking, searching, praying...

It is so funny how life works. Especially a journey with Christ! I grew up in church so the knowledge of Christ, or at least the version of what others believed, was always a deep part of me. When I gave my heart to Christ at thirteen it just seemed like a natural progression. My journey has been very cyclical. I have been swallowed up in the same fears and habitual sins. Just when I think I've laid them at His feet I'm reminded I'm still holding on. In fact, I dare say that some of these things have been en grafted into my being and can only be removed through surgery by the Lord Jesus himself.

In the last year I have gone through a great deal of change. The dreams (those big ones you just pray you can chase after, but deep down know you are lying to yourself) I held onto have just sifted through my fingers...a chasing after the wind. It was hard at first, but I'm thankful for the journey I am on now even though I have no idea where God is going to take me.

These last several months with all that has happened...the ugly doubts and fears have been re-surfacing in my life. The fear of salvation - am I living for self or God? Do I really have a home in Heaven? What does God really see in me? What is my purpose? What do I think about my life right now?

I know that many of my hopes and dreams are about me & not Him. I'm not sure what sovereignty looks like in my life. I keep waiting for the journey - the adventure. I think my idea of adventure & His are a little different. We come at this differently. It is NOW! My life is NOW!

He continually asks me if I really do trust Him. He has been testing the boundaries of what I believe. I know that He wants me to quit trying to figure out what is going to happen in the future and live in the now...to simply allow the future to unfold like a beautiful mystery!

After nearly 20 years of following Him I'm still amazed at how He meets me. I'm still humbled that He wants to. I'm angry that I still want to live for self. I'm angry I can't have my cake an eat it too.

As I was walking back into the house (the home that God in His infinite wisdom knew I needed) all these thoughts were running through my head. Beautiful, eloquent words were flooding my brain, overloading my senses. I had to put quill to parchment. I had to feel the rush of letting it all go. I'm frustrated that something keeps blocking that process for me lately. As soon as I sit to write the words fly away...the memory of their sweetness leaving an unending ache in my soul.

Change...change...change...is coming!!!!!!

Riding off into the Sunset...Sunrise!

2011-05-11T18:08:00.000-07:00

You can find it over on FB...until I get my computer working this is how I have to post things...

Riding off into the Sunset...Sunrise!

A Beggar's Stubborn Heart!

2011-05-01T18:50:00.001-07:00

I envision myself in a room. The wallpaper curls from the walls like scoops of ice cream. The paper is a faded puke green color; mold hugs the baseboard as if it were the glue that held the walls together. The floor is planked. Half inch spaces display blue-gray water lapping at the posts supporting this fragmented vessel. The air is acrid. The smell of decay burns my nose and causes my eyes to water.

In the left hand corner sits a strong box to which only I have the combination. It sits in stark contradiction to the shambles surrounding it. The weight of it alone threatens the demise of this decaying room. Inside is my heart – throbbing, pounding, hurting, & preserved.

This is how I deal with the fall - the loss of Eden. I self-preserve. I put up the walls that no man would dare breach.

It is how I have dealt with pain, hurt, heartache all of my life. If I could cut it off at the pass, somehow control it, then I could marginalize the damage. If I simply did not open my heart wide to hope then I could never be found hopeless.

I savor control. It is a sumptuous meal.

I’m so utterly and exhaustibly tight fisted over self-preservation & control that I miss out on the rich and delicious blessings of God.

Where I work in the bounds of logic – He works in the bounds of the impossible.

Where I work in the bounds of comfort – He cares far too much about my character than my comfort.

Where I work in the bounds of “human love” – He is love manifest and true.

I’m afraid of being disappointed by Him, so I don’t ask for anything too big…to great!

It is as if I have placed Him in a discarded cardboard box. Then, with great determination, I wrapped the entire box with Duct Tape. In my feeble idea of God, idol worship in and of itself, I think this box with Duct Tape will hold Him.

Easter morning I received a gift that began to break down the walls I built. While, no man alone could have breached them, God used an obedient servant to cut a deep crack in the infrastructure. He did this so that He might tumble the wall, smash open the strong box, and allow His loving mercy, grace, and Sovereignty in…changing me…forever!

In order to complete the story I must take you back to that musty room.

I knew a visit to the dentist was something I was going to have to do. I had already been rationalizing how I would pay off whatever procedure the dentist needed to do…

I had a cracked tooth. This would require a crown…I was looking at $1,000. I had roughly $700 saved.

As I was driving home I was talking to myself & God. I was already working out His answer for me. I was frustrated, angry, & hurt. Was I EVER going to get a break? I was sick of everyone saying, “God will provide!”

In my frustration I said, “You know God, why can’t someone other than my family give me money to help me out of a situation, huh? I see other people handed money all the time. My parents do so much for me, & I’m grateful, but they can’t support me for the rest of my life!!!”

Immediately I felt guilty. I backtracked, “Lord, I know you just don’t work that way with me. It’s okay. I will be just fine.”

I didn’t think another thing about it until I was sitting in my car after Sunrise Service, opening a letter that a dear sister in Christ had given me. I saw the money, but didn’t dare count it. The top bill was $1.00 in value.

The note read:

Melissa,

I just love you to death and am so glad God led you to Northside! I love seeing you live out your faith day by day. I know God has great things in store for you. I am thankful that God put me on the other end of giving today. He has provided for us in unexpected ways again and again. Our God is faithful! My aunt sent me money a few weeks ago & I asked God how to use it – He laid several things on my heart – you being one of them! I love you & hope this helps with the dentist bill!

I’m crying again as I write these words. I was absolutely a weeping blubbery mess in my car. Yet, I was still reserved. I expected maybe $25 or $50. With trembling hands I counted…1…2…3…$307 to be exact. What I needed to pay the rest of my dental bill. I was utterly humbled and ashamed before the throne room of God. If I could have lain prostrate before Him I would have. It was beyond measure. He had opened the flood gates. He had heard my cry, despite my bitterness, and worked a miracle in my life. He took me quickly to the “bananas”…

In the book “Evidence Not Seen” by Darlene Deibler Rose she recounts her story as a missionary spending years in a Japanese POW camp. I have to share the “bananas” story with you now.

She had been falsely accused of passing on intelligence, which landed her in a pit of a cell with only a small window. She was beaten daily, malnourished, and suffered from dysentery and other illnesses…She sees bananas being smuggled in and prays…

“Lord, I’m not asking You for a whole bunch like that woman has. I just want one banana.”

“Lord, just one banana.” Pg. 148; Evidence Not Seen, Rose.

Then, she immediately starts rationalizing that God couldn’t possibly give her a banana.

A few days later she gets a visit from the camp commander, Mr. Yamaji. He sees that she is sick, then leaves.

She hears the guard coming back down the hall. She fears a beating because she forgot to bow, which was always expected…instead this is what happens…

I heard the guard coming back and knew he was coming for me. Struggling to my feet, I stood ready to go. He opened the door, walked in, and with a sweeping gesture laid at my feet – bananas! “They’re yours,” he said, “and they’re all from Mr. Yamaji.” I sat down in stunned silence and counted them. There were ninety-two bananas!

In all my spiritual experience, I’ve never known such shame before my Lord. I pushed the bananas into a corner and wept before Him. “Lord, forgive me; I’m so ashamed. I couldn’t trust You enough to get even one banana for me. Just look at them – there are almost a hundred.”

In the quiet of the shadowed cell, He answered back within my heart: “That’s what I delight to do, the exceeding abundant above anything you ask or think.” I knew in those moments nothing is impossible to my God. – P. 150; Evidence Not Seen, Rose.

I knew in that moment as well that God smashed the strong box. I would never go back to the decaying room again. My heart was replanted deep inside of me. Something painful and beautiful broke inside of me. I was awash in His waves – His utter and complete delight over me. This is what He desired. He desired for me not to close myself off. He desired to provide for me…I knew, as Darlene had, in those moments nothing is impossible to my God!

Top 10 Books I LOVE!

2011-04-02T19:16:00.000-07:00

If I had two lifetimes one of those would be spent reading all the books in the world. I just love every aspect of it – browsing a bookstore, buying the book, beginning the book, finishing the book, all perfect. So, here are my Top 10 Books & why: 10. Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. I had quit reading Christian Fiction (I’m a fiction girl through and through) because I couldn’t find anything that challenged me. I didn’t see anything, other than classic literature, in the Christian realm that wasn’t a little fluffy around the edges. However, my first experience with Francine Rivers totally rocked my world. She wasn’t afraid of pushing boundaries & taking you places you wished you didn’t have to go. She did what she set out to do. She made Christian literature that impacted and changed lives. 9. Twilight Series by Stephenie Meyer (Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, & Breaking Dawn): I so, so, so did not want to put this one in here, but in the end I think I had to. Just as Francine helped me dive back into Christian literature, Stephenie helped me dive back into mainstream literature. I had given up on reading “secular” literature until I found these little jewels. I forgot reading could be fun and enrapturous. Plus, I really like vampires ;)…a journey worth taking again and again and again. 8. Evidence Not Seen by Darlene Diebler Rose: One of those few non-fiction works that get squeezed into my love of fiction art. What I loved about Darlene’s story is she never saw herself as something special. She was always amazed when God did extraordinary things in her life. (She was a Missionary who survived 4 years in a Japanese prison camp in New Guinea…& she always hoped she made a difference. Plus, she new AW Tozer personally…) 7. Hinds Feet for High Places by Hannah Hurnard: My go to book. It is a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful allegory of our life with Christ. How He changes us, moves us, and makes us much less afraid. I have written allegories based on it and the book of Hosea…this story resonates with me. 6. Mark of the Lion Series by Francine Rivers (Voice in the Wind, Echo in the Darkness, & As Sure as the Dawn): Yep, these books pretty much shake my faith every single time I read them. They rock my idea of what sacrifice is. I’m not sure…but for the Grace of God! 5. Sacred Romance by John Eldredge & Brent Curtis: Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! This book rocked my universe. I was on the edge of giving up. I was this close to running out on my faith, my life…I was at the point where God was either going to show up or I was going to disappear. I didn’t hold any hope for the future. Then, I opened this book and it was like the scales came off my eyes. God used it in a mighty way. He showed me through the pages of this book how much He loved me? In turn, I was able to read the Bible again. I hold this book as one of my most favorite non-fiction works of all time. 4. King Raven Series by Stephen R. Lawhead (Hood, Scarlett, & Tuck): (can you tell by now that I’m a serial reader…) I picked “Hood” up in the bargain bin at Lifeway. I was excited that the story of Robin Hood, one of my favorite pieces of folklore, was getting a revamp. I have to say that it is a deep privilege and honor to read Stephen’s work. It has been a long time since I could say that of anyone. He is articulate, intelligent, and really does his homework (something I admire deeply, but never care to do in my own writing ;). He is delicious & this series is amazing. Each book is better than the previous…which is the way a series should be. 3. Chronicles of Narnia by CS Lewis (The Magician’s Nephew, Lion the Witch & the Wardrobe, Horse & His Boy, Prince Caspian, Voyage of Dawn Treader, The Silver Chair, & The Last Battle): I read these as an adult for the first time. May I just say that I have never had a reading experience quite like it. I believed. It was as if I was an 8 year old girl…all the wonder and excitement came into being. I was completely and totally engrossed in the Narnian world. These books will forever hold a special place in my heart. Especially, The Magician’s Nephew, Lion the Witch & the Wardrobe, Voyage of Dawn Treader, & The Last Battle. 2. Christy by Catherine Marshall: Oh Mylanta do I love Appalachia. The way that Catherine wrote these beautifully rich and delicious characters is so vivid and rich. It is a treasure to behold. The Dr.’s conversion experience left me besotted. I was a crumbling weeping mess. It is a great treasure to have been a part of this reading experience. 1. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte: My first taste of classic literature during my senior year in High School. Then, I studied it again in college. It is one of those books that leaves me breathless. It has everything you could EVER hope for. It has mystery, intrigue, love, heartbreak, real love, real friendship…it is a WONDERFUL wonderful wonderful wonderful book! Next time “Top 10 movies I LOVE!”

The Blessing of Suffering!

2011-03-30T18:24:00.000-07:00

Oh how I wish I could just put my Top 10 Books I LOVE post up. However, I have simply been inundated with this topic today. It leaves me trembling a little bit. I’m uncertain of what is coming. Are their dark clouds overhead? I pray I can see them as blessings. I pray I can see God’s work in my life through tragedy. Suffering…it comes to all of us in little or great packages. The older I get the more I see it never really ceases. It rubs me raw. Sometimes I don’t think I can breathe under the weight of it. It leads to snap judgments about my life, about God, about my journey here. I don’t embrace it…I rebel against it. It is like someone taking a Brillo pad and scrubbing until I’m raw. It is why I numb myself, turn my feeling inward, and never let anyone get to close to the core of who I am. I keep one arms length away to any thing that will cause pain. Just in this last week this line has been fed to me by more than one person, “This is just life!” Whether it is a headlight that has gone out or a financial situation. I got to thinking about this & realized that this is a lie. It is a lie we tell ourselves to make it feel better. Because, if this is just life then God didn’t abandon me…I do matter…this suffering wasn’t caused by something I’ve done. I am not saying that God has abandoned you or that you don’t matter or that you did something to cause suffering…no way! I am saying that we were created as perfect & eternal beings. We were created for life & communion with God. As JJ Heller so aptly sings, “We’ve lost our paradise!” Life was NEVER meant to be lived this way…EVER! Isn’t it sort of incredible that God uses this fall…this loss of paradise as a BLESSING! No, I did not misspell that last word. I did not use the wrong word. It is a BLESSING! I was at work just the other day and Dave played me a song. “Blessings” by Laura Story. It really resonated with me. I had intended to post it on my FB page and share it with you guys (I did by BTW!). It is where I live. I curse God for not providing for me or making me anxious or not giving me what I think I need. I struggle with His perfect love & perfect grace everyday. I fight Him tooth and nail. I open my “Ransomed Heart” Newsletter today & what is the topic about? SUFFERING!!!! Oh yes! Now, John usually discusses the healing, life, freedom, breakthrough available in Jesus Christ…but he’s talking about SUFFERING! Here is the paragraph that stuck out to me: “Peter says, “arm yourselves” for suffering (1 Peter 4:1). Indeed. We had best arm ourselves. How? Well, he goes on to say, “do not be surprised…” when suffering comes (vs. 12). But we are surprised. It sends us reeling. There is not even a close second to the power of suffering to distort our views of God, and to get us making loads of agreements we should not be making. The collateral damage can be worse than the suffering itself…” (John Eldredge, Sacred Heart Ministries) I threw the newsletter away & was heading out the door for church & God was like, “Um, you might want to dig that back out of the garbage!” Then, I meet Cynthia coming in the door & we had a Holy Spirit, Praise Jesus Moment in front of the congregation. Someone even made a snide remark that someone “enjoyed our show”! (Well, here is where I go off on my tirade. I usually try to keep my emotions to a minimum, but I am very expressive. I’m loud & opinionated once you get to really know me. But, I’m not gonna quinch the spirit. When I get excited your gonna see me shout, jump up and down, clap my hands together…laugh, cry, praise Jesus…it is just who I am. I mean God was doing some major work in both our lives here. It really was a moment where I forgot where we were (& if we cannot praise Jesus in His house, then where can we praise Him?) My little tangent is now over.) It is difficult…this world is not our home. It rips and tears and breaks us, yet we grasp a hold of it so tightly. We focus on the right here instead of the eternal. John Eldredge also wrote this: “Suffering can do enormous damage in our lives, but it can also do enormous good. It shapes our character; it drives us to God; and it loosens our grip on this world. The entire posture of the Christian life is that while much good is available to us now, our great good is coming in the next chapter. Most of us have set our hopes entirely on our life working out here, now. (Notice your reaction when it doesn’t!) This, too will tear you apart. It will break your heart. Suffering causes us to re-evaluate where our hope lies, and to move it to where it belongs.” If I were completely honest, I don’t like anything in this post. The fall hurts. We are reminded deeply, when we grasp at the sweeping shadows of this world, of the pain and hurt of the fall. The separation is great…but, it can lead to GREAT COMMUNION! Christ suffered! He suffered for you & me. He knows intimately our pain. He has not abandoned or forsaken. These little irritating things that are thrown at us are not just merely “life” that we can sweep it under the rug. On the contrary, they are protests against “life”! May we take a small glimpse at the possibility, at the hope, at the mere chance that: “…Blessings come through raindrops; …healing comes through tears; …a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you’re near; …trials of this life are your mercies in disguise!” (Blessings, Laura Story, words taken out to make my little insignificant point ;) 10 I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11 and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead. – Philippians 3: 10-11

The Things I LOVE pt. 2 (The fun & lighter side of things...)

2011-03-28T18:49:00.000-07:00

So, this entry will be comprised of four sections (I have just decided to make each section a separate blog…so you will be getting each installment in the days to come. Aren’t you excited?). Each section will be a top 10 list. The categories are as follows… Top 10 Things I LOVE Top 10 Books I LOVE Top 10 Movies I LOVE Top 10 Television Shows I LOVE I am going to keep with the theme of substance…these books, movies, or shows will have some relevance to faith, life, or a higher purpose. I LOVE making lists. It is part of my OCD…so, I hope you find some enjoyment in this little exercise…if not, I will ;) Top 10 Things I LOVE 10. Walking in Nature: I think nature is one of the most exquisite kisses God gives us. It speaks volumes of who He is. It tells of the Greater Story. It screams majesty, beauty, and adventure. 9. Reading a Good Book: There is nothing more delicious than being engrossed in a lovely book…the beginning with its possibilities, the ending when you’ve discovered all the secrets, & the gooey rich in-between. I just LOVE it! A great analogy for life. 8. Browsing a Bookstore: I like buying a book about as much as I like reading one. It is such a delicious, cheap thrill…there isn’t really a higher meaning to this process…except that I find it deeply adventurous. 7. Deep, complex, “solve the world’s problems” conversations with my sisters or friends! (Enough said!) 6. Movie Previews: One of my favorite things in the world! Again, not very substance based, but was one of the big reasons I wanted to get into the industry. I love the whole possibility that a preview holds within its few minutes. I mean a really good preview can make a really bad movie look great ;) 5. Talking with “my kids”: This is truly one of the most rewarding ventures & privileges I have. Children are so deep. We so often overlook how complex their little worlds are. I remember my group of 4 & 5 year olds having a very deep conversation about life & death…blew my mind. I learn more about the face of God through these conversations than I ever could with an adult. 4. The Catholic Faith: I am huge on tradition, ritual, and a sacred way of worship. 3. Sunrises & Sunsets: I never will forget the vision of cresting that hill to a glorious sunset…the earth blanketed in rich orange & pink…filling the land with such beauty I was certain I had walked straight into heaven…the promise that this would someday come to pass…it would be manifest in my life leaves me breathless. 2. Cooking & Baking: It is one of the most delicious (like my play on words) things I can do. When I’m stressed beyond breaking I can go in to my kitchen throw in some flour, sugar, baking powder, fresh fruit, etc… and create a little edible work of art. It is refreshing & delicious, yes. It is a huge stress reliever for me. 1. Writing: Where in the world would I be if I did not have this in my life? I cannot imagine not being able to pen my thoughts. I am so blessed to be surrounded by others far more gifted than I in this department. I learn from you and grow from you…sometimes I feel inadequate, but for the most part I write because it ignites my soul. I have gone back and read things I have written & knew my hand only held the pen…the thought came from a higher realm. I love it. I love it! Tomorrow “Top 10 Books I LOVE!”

The Things I LOVE! Pt. 1 (The Rant of a Curly Haired Woman)

2011-03-27T17:50:00.000-07:00

I truly feel life is a journey. When I say I like the road curvy & the windows rolled down, I mean that. This life is a deep wonderful adventure to be experienced with the Great Creator. The Lover of our Souls wants to take us to depths we have yet to go. We can sail the high seas, leap buildings in a single bound, move mountains, be a part of the Sacred Romance, with little more than the faith of a mustard seed & a willingness to follow. There is also a Great Deceiver. The liar and his cohorts seek out the spaces of our hearts that are most vulnerable. We can easily replace adventure for monotonous living. The day’s drudgery of “we musts” quickly overshadows playing tag with a great lion. The day to day grind numbs us. We are frankly bored. We don’t see the big scope. The great an amazing love story unfolding before us. When we get into these spaces it is easy to doubt God. I mean how can you trust something you don’t heartily believe in. The world becomes reality…blurring the vivid rich scenery (the battle, the fight, the adventure) into a dismal, less than exciting, “why in the world would I want that” sort of thing. We reduce Christ & what He has to offer us as binding, controlling. We, like a lemming, have jumped head long into the world’s philosophy…dimming the very reality just beyond the thin veil. After spending a lovely day with Sophie yesterday I came home, finished cleaning my house, and watched WAY to much television (I’m now calling it the death tube). It was so much television that I became sick with it. My brains were hurting. I felt numb & “What’s the point?” was coming through loud and clear. It was all too much. I’m ashamed to say I hadn’t even studied my Sunday School lesson (praise God gave me a wonderful class anyway!). I was trading death for life. Oh, how it sometimes feels SO right. As is often my cycle. I often reference one of my favorite parables: The Prodigal Son. I cycle through being “The Prodigal” & “The Son Who Stayed”. I can relate to both so intricately. I can feel their pain, their hurt, their fear, their anger. Oh yeah baby! I’ve lived in those shoes. It hurts my heart at the cycle of my life. I’m not sure what it is. I don’t know why I deal with it. I go through long boughts of apathy. I don’t give a #*%@! I want it my way. I’m afraid of what God will ask me to give up. You can go on my Blogger account and read entry upon entry concerning this very thing. You can look in my journal and read the self-loathing, fear, heartbreak. It’s all there in black and white. Dang introspection! Then, I feel the pulling of God in my life. It really hasn’t ever left (I fear the day it does). I’m just really good at ignoring it. I start awakening to the heart of who He is. Realizing I could live in a story like “Lord of the Rings”…that I’m truly part of something epic. He is the grandest storyteller. Everything from nature, to literature, even other man made religions are trying to articulate who the “Lover of Our Souls” is. I love the phrase “Ancient of Days” to describe Him. It carries along with it a deep and reverent meaning. 12 I have revealed and saved and proclaimed— I, and not some foreign god among you. You are my witnesses,” declares the LORD, “that I am God. 13 Yes, and from ancient days I am he. No one can deliver out of my hand. When I act, who can reverse it?” -Isaiah 43: 12-13 “As I looked, “thrones were set in place, and the Ancient of Days took his seat. His clothing was as white as snow; the hair of his head was white like wool. His throne was flaming with fire, and its wheels were all ablaze. – Daniel 7:9 It has been a deeply painful and difficult year. I have gone through all kinds of health issues. I’ve struggled with direction. I’ve taken on new responsibility. It has been scary. I have never felt so utterly alone or dealt with my own mortality as much as I have this year. I’ve dealt with anxiety, fear, uncertainty, anger…more anger…more fear. A cycle that has left me not quite myself…a little left of center. It has also been a deeply rich year. I have gained a new independence. Learned that I don’t crawl under a rock and die when change comes along, & that life is ultimately about this wonderfully painful change that comes to all of us. I’ve gotten over myself a little bit, learned to be a little more comfortable in my, sometimes to tight, skin. A lot of regrets of what I haven’t done with my life have surfaced, and I’m just beginning to mourn them & realizing that there is still much to be done & it is not too late. My goal for the Spring is to begin volunteer work…a burden that has been on my heart way to long. I’m also looking to take steps to being the most honest, real, flawed, deeply passionate, in love with Jesus person I can be. I think I’m beginning to scare some people. I’m laying off this idea people have…the real me is harsh, but it is authentic & it loves deeply. Someone commented after I shared that I was in a mode of simply not caring that, “I was brutally honest!” Well, I have to be…I have to be brutally honest with myself. I’ve lied to myself long enough. This is what gets me into these situations in the first place. Unless I’m completely honest then I cannot be authentic in changing and growing and loving and being what I like to call the “Complete Christian.” Derek Webb made the statement that we only discuss the 5% of stuff that makes up Christianity. He was seeking to dive into the 95% of stuff we don’t dive into. I’m in agreeance with this statement. Over the last few years God has rocked my world & my beliefs. I have a different world view…hopefully I have a more adequate God view. I’m often frustrated when Christian believers cannot discuss their beliefs without having to be morally superior. I always feel like I have to argue my point. In the end I’m learning to just close my mouth, listen, speak when I feel it necessary, & pray that God continues to shape and transform all our lives into the likeness of Him (because I’m not going to change someone’s opinion). Wow, I’ve gotten truly off topic. I had planned to discuss the things that move me. The things I love. The things that show me the footprint of God. Maybe I’ll have to make this a multiple post blog…first comes the serious disturbing rant followed by the light and fun love!!! Although I don’t really think love is light and fun. In fact it is messy, bloody, deadly, sorrowful, powerful, moving, and life changing. It will take you places you never asked to go. Ask you to do things you would rather not…it will change your life, overpower your logic…as Andrew Peterson sings, “Love is a good thing!”

Praise God I'm Rambling Again!

2011-03-21T20:10:00.001-07:00

There is a pulsing within my soul; the need to put quill to paper, to share my thoughts, my heartbeat, and the very essence of my soul through the written word. As is often the case, when I pull away from the Lord, turn my heart from His still small voice & retreat into my own desires & self-righteousness my creative word flow ceases. I sit down; fill my quill with ink, and…nothing! Draft after draft inevitably ends up on the floor. Nothing sounds right to me. Every grammar error is screaming at me. I feel I have no talent whatsoever. In the last year I have gone through an extremely dry spell. It isn’t one of the most barren lands I’ve visited during my writing venture, but dismal nonetheless. I think it is because this time I didn’t care. I was slowly growing accustomed to my new surroundings. Abandoning any hope of people growing, learning, enjoying, and being moved by what I wrote. The terrain was rugged, the sky a purple hew of perpetual twilight (which is indeed one of my favorite times of day), shadows silhouetted in shadow - everything taking on this unearthly feel to it. Then, last night I wanted to write. I wanted to write so terribly that I went into my office, fired up the computer, and set to type. All the delicious, wonderfully warm, articulate things that had been rumbling through my head all day were screaming, “Let me out! Let me out!” My fingers hovered over the keys. My mind strived to make the creative juices flow. It was if those juices simply oozed out my ears and evaporated before hitting the floor. I was devastated, frustrated, and mad!!!! Tonight in my Quiet Time (I shudder to think the last time I had one of those ;) I was reading some of my journal entries. I keep a hand written journal for my most private musings & when I just can’t work my heart out on a stale computer screen. When I need the tangible feel of rustling pages, ink stains, and crisp paper smells in order to feel alive. In this moment I felt my heart coming to life. I knew that I must write. I must come in and put whatever my thoughts were down – immediately! It did not matter whether they were right or wrong. It didn’t matter if the grammar was atrocious (it will always be atrociousJ). I wanted to write! I had gotten mad that I couldn’t write last night (a huge step from just me being lethargic matter on my couch)! God is moving in beautiful amazing ways in my life right now. He is awakening what was once dead deep down inside. He is stripping the dragon skin from my weary bones. It hurts like hell, but feels so good coming off. I fear slipping back into the lethargy…the pitiful mote of apathy! However, I don’t want to stop this journey. I want to turn off the death tube & put forth the effort of falling in love with Him again. I want a passion and zeal for Him that I have never had before. He answered the simplest prayers over the weekend. I stood in awe of Him for doing this. Why do I doubt Him? This ancient of days…the beginning and end to all things…the great mystery! He cannot be contained! He cannot be formulated! He is I AM! I’m trying to wrap my little brain around this, trying desperately to grasp Him. Why does the ancient of days keep me in mind? More than that, why does He even desire to commune with me? I found a little piece of paper tucked in the back of my journal. This is what I wrote: What is God up to? Oh how glorious that He calls us to the wilderness to live. Oh that His mercy is fresh and new every morning. When fear falls on me as thick & tangible as night, in the sun’s first glow my heart will rejoice even if my body is broken & bruised. Oh that I would remember the cost to follow Christ. We are called to live in the valley. The mountaintop experiences are just a good viewpoint to see where the work needs to be done. We don’t need to do work out of duty, but out of our passion & desire in our Lover’s eyes. Oh to reclaim the heart of worship, to rekindle the flame. Oh to be wild at heart for Christ… Yep, I’m rambling again! Praise God I’m rambling again!

What I Would Say...

2011-01-31T17:01:00.000-08:00

Stinky toes…sticky kisses…runny noses…

Where does this deep love come from? What is it all about? Is it just God saying, “this is how I love you…when your silly…when your rotten…when your sad or mad or scared…when you have a boo-boo…or need some cuddle time…my love for you is as deep as the ocean’s depths. I love you, you crazy stinky-toed girl!”

I think that must be it, for this love for you swells up and over me in great big ole’ waves of slobbery kisses & cuddle hugs...

What I would say to you Sophie is to never quit looking at this world with imagination. Fill your world up to the brim with it…let it spill over and spark other’s creativity. Never quit being a helper, a giver, a caring spirit. Always give me “lean into” hugs & even ask me a million questions. Always be the big sister. Always take time for yourself. Always reason & think things through. Always allow that big girl heart to guide those beautiful arms and legs. For you are so beautiful. You are a beautiful story written by the very hand of God. He has given you your imagination, your caring heart, and your beautiful face. I am thankful that He has allowed me to love you. I am thankful that I got one on one time with you on your birthday. You are breathtaking.

What I would say to you Aiden is never quit looking at this world with wonder…never quit trying to figure it all out. Always say what is on your heart. Always be a loving big brother (& younger brother). Keep that old spirit about you that says things like,

“Ms. Melissa how many people are in your car?
There are two, Aiden?
No, Ms. Melissa there are three?
Who is the third Aiden?
Duh, Ms. Melissa you only learn about Him every Sunday.
God?
Yes!”

Always want to give me “huggies”. I love that we like the same things. I so enjoy talking to you about scary things, movies, and books. Always stay quiet and reflective. Always say what you mean & correct us when we don’t get it quite right. Always dream big. I pray your heart will always love Jesus. I pray that you will always be caring and compassionate. I am so thankful God said, “love that boy!” I do Aiden, I really really do.

What I would say to you “H” is that you are a beautiful princess that God and Ms. Melissa love very very much. Never quit wanting to give me a hug and a kiss & saying, “I love you” back to me. I will always want snuggle time with you. Never quit using that amazingly intelligent brain of yours. Never quit thinking you are a princess. Let that big ole’ loving heart pour out on everyone you meet & allow that creative imagination to take you to far distant wonderful lands. Dream big my sweet little girl…for your dreams can come true. Always share your feelings…do not be afraid. Know that God and I love you to the moon and back. You are beautiful, and smart, and I’m so proud of you. You will always be my little “Haley Bug”.

What I would say to you Wyatt is I will always “need you” & “want to hold you”. You are one of the smartest 3 year olds I know. Always believe, as you told me the other day, that “Jesus is God!” Always have a tender heart for others…always feel deeply. Your deeply caring heart is going to take you so far my sweet little man. Always be strong willed…even though Ms. Isa (btw always call me Ms. Isa) sometimes doesn’t like it. Always ask questions & try to figure this life out. The world is open to you my little man. There is no stopping you now. I am so proud of who God has created in you. You are my little miracle boy. I love you to “infinity & beyond” my little buzz light year…aka Turkey Looper…aka Wyatt Benjamin Scalf…aka Snuggle Bunny!

What I would say to you “S” is that you are my little man. I got to see your “firsts” & only you could make me sit and cry right along with you after you had your teeth taken out. You move my heart. You are “my boy”. I love your snuggly hugs and soft kisses. I love your tender spirit & my prayer is that you will use that in helping others. Your screams of joy are a resounding echo of celebration in the halls of Heaven. When you are happy the world is a little bit brighter. I love your surprised face. I love when you stroke Baby R’s hand. Your joy is truly infectious. I am so glad God has seen fit that I am to love you…He loves you too…always remember that my Hoboken boy.

What I would say to you “Baby R”…you are the promise…the promise of the good things of God. I love your sweet smelling head. I love your chubby cheeks. Sometimes I sit and gaze at your sleepy head & just think, “isn’t God good.” God has rocked my world with you…like only He can. You will always be loved, you will always be wanted…I am thankful that God saw fit to make us stewards of you…you are my sweet baby girl.

What I would say to Dave & Amy…why God saw fit for me to be able to love your family is beyond me…I’m sitting here crying while I’m writing this. I love your children. I am so thankful that you have unselfishly allowed me to love them like my own. They fill my life with such JOY! I cannot imagine my life without them. My life has turned out far different than I thought, but it is far richer for having the Scalf family in it. I love each of you deeply.

What I would say to the rest of you…I am blessed to do life with each of you. I am blessed by those that choose to come into my little world and read the words of a simpleton like me. I wish I could properly express my love to each of you. I had written about the kids a little over a year ago. I had planned to do the same here, but instead chose to write little letters to each of the kids. If you want to go back and read what I wrote a year ago, here is the link…it is amazing that Wy wasn’t even talking yet.

What I would say to God…thank you for loving me the way you do…for taking me on this wild unbelievable journey. For placing people in my life that are concerned for the deeper things of this world. I wouldn’t take nothin’ for my journey now.

House of Hope!

2011-01-31T15:58:00.000-08:00

There is a house of hope built on the foundation of love. The walls are hewed with beams of care & the windows are sealed with beauty. The roof is sturdy with courage and strength. The face of God shines in and warms those inside.

I’m like a little girl sitting on a tire swing in the middle of summer…pudgy little freckle face, bare dirty toes, sweat soaked curls plastered to her face watching this house being built. I hum my little tune…”that’s a little stone, that’s a little mortar, that’s a little seed, that’s a little water…in the heart’s of the sons and daughters…this Kingdom’s coming…”

I feel the need, being my 30 year old self again, to deconstruct all the layers of what I witnessed a little over a week ago. I watched in breathless wonder as Jesus’ love was selflessly acted out from deep wells of giving. Deep wells of which drew living water not only for those that the house was being built for, but also to every person that played a part.

It began, for me at least, Monday January 17th…in a warm kitchen with a beloved woman, two beautiful women in training, & three little balls of energy. The hum of those laboring under the load of cleaning out the garage mixed with squeals of laughter from two little boys ducking in & out of plastic storage bins. The home felt lived in…what it was intended for. The moment was real. It was tangible. It was a concrete block laid on the foundation of love, building those up who took part in it.

Thursday January 20th…the feeling of overwhelming grace was palpable. The crew arrived with a load full of lumber and love & set to work. In this moment it was certain that change was happening - a change that works its way from the inside out.

I had the rare privilege of spending the weekend with the Scalf’s while their “House of Hope” was being built. A sacred space blanketed with snow and prayer…blanketed with hopes and dreams of what could be. As we sat at Regatta that first evening…I felt it…I felt my little heart skip & the child like wonder dance behind my eyes. For that briefest of moments I no longer felt like I was on the sidelines of life, but playing a very integral part of the grand and beautiful story. The amazing Storyteller was weaving lives together creating a tapestry that only He, with His infinite creativity, could weave.

I was humbled by the journey…the love of a “Pioneer Cookbook”, the excitement in a child’s heart…a weekend I will never be able to forget.

The weekend ended all too quickly for me. The drive to my car was a moment of treasured conversation with a sister in Christ. The boundaries held up to protect our souls were laid bare & honest fellowship spilled out. It is the kind of conversatin’ that can only come from God.

Clothes, clothes, clothes…were the theme Sunday afternoon, for me anyway…in the end I had the privilege of becoming a fly on the wall. I had the privilege of stepping into those 25 volunteers’ blood, sweat, and tears and experiencing their journey. I had the privilege of standing back and seeing the sweet swell of joy and excitement, mixed with fatigue transfixing faces into earth-real beauty. I wonder if these wonderful ambassadors of hope even realized what was happening. If they could imagine what kind of party was being had in Heaven…

I was asked what my favorite part of the house was...while, I love the kids’ rooms, the new den…all the additions to the home…what captivated me was the picture display on the kitchen wall. The one of Isaac & soon to be all the Scalf kids. This…this moment…was the reason all of this was done. These children of hope…these children of promise…straight from God…a representation of His love, of His promise. This little display was the symbol of why all of this had transpired.

As I have hit my knees for all involved I have prayed that they will see…Choose to SEE the impact. The impact of a Mother mourning & rejoicing. The impact of children who desire to pay this kindness forward. The impact of two little boys who scream and laugh and play in their new room. The impact of a little girl feeling like a young woman. The impact of a big flat screen TV that is SO sweet it makes one little ole’ babysitter & a brother from a different Mother EXTREMELY happy ;)…hahahaha!

I cannot say thank you enough. I want to cook you ALL a big ole’ dinner…I want to do life with you. I want to share in this wonderful beautiful mystery we call life. The love you have given. The hope you have given. It has not only changed the structure of a home, but it has changed lives.

So thank you…

“It’s a little stone, it’s a little mortar, it’s a little seed, it’s a little water…in the hearts of the sons and daughters…this Kingdom’s Comin’!” (song by Sara Groves)

Choosing to SEE

2011-01-12T13:52:00.001-08:00

I remember the first time I met Amy Scalf. I was trying to get a job at CCCS as a first grade teacher. In the end, I spent two years as their Aftercare teacher. It was a wonderful journey & I loved the children I took care of. Within the first 5 minutes of this meeting she shared with me that she had lost a child a year prior. I cannot remember the context of this conversation or what led up to it, but I remember very clearly the feeling of awe that this woman, whom I only met a moment before, was sharing her heart with me. I felt a little exposed by this sharing, as if God had made me privileged to sacred information about this person. I wasn’t quite certain why this transaction took place, or at least I wouldn’t know until further down the road.

I remember coming home on May 21st, 2008 & my sister Michelle asking me if I had heard about Steven Curtis Chapman. My first thought was, “Oh Dear Lord, he and Mary Beth are getting a divorce.” However, it wasn’t the case at all. My heart literally quacked when she told me about Maria’s accident (at this point we didn’t know Maria had gone to heaven). I began to pray for Maria, the family, & Will Franklin. I followed the news coverage the months following the accident. I watched them on Larry King. I prayed for them & rejoiced that they lived what they said. However, with all things in the news…I conveniently forgot about the Chapmans & went on with my life.

I will have been a “nanny” for six of the seven Scalf children for 2 years in July of this year. Man, how time flies. I remember one morning in 2009…Dave was checking some email & downloading some albums. I was doing dishes & Wyatt was eating breakfast. Dave started to play Steven’s album “Beauty Will Rise”. Dave & I were discussing how this album was going to impact so many lives. I was trying to wash my tears down the sink with the dirty dish water. In the midst of this somber praise fest little Wy raised his hands in praise. Here was this then, not even 2 year old, praising God. Dave & I lost it. It was a moment again where the veil had been torn & I was allowed to see through the broken alabaster of pain and healing that had been done in both the Scalf family & the Chapman family. It prompted me to write a letter to the Chapman’s telling them about the Scalf journey & how I was thankful to be a part of it.

I cannot begin to even come close to realizing the loss of a child. I have seen this loss occur in those around me, but to have to endure this one myself, I think God would have to give me the grace to walk through it. Just thinking about Haley & Steven having to leave the Scalf home was enough to unravel me. I really went through a mourning period for that possibility (Praise God that wasn’t the case). However, I was very much compelled to read Mary Beth’s book “Choosing to SEE”.

If this had just been a book about the loss of her daughter & the healing, grief, pain, hope…they faced then it would not have been a complete story. It was the story of a life. It was the story of a woman who had set boundaries and conditions to her faith and, is often the case with God; He blew them up with His dreams for her. I remember in the interviews following the accident where Mary Beth said something along the lines of, “I don’t really care how Maria’s death impacts others, as a Mom I want her here with me.” The honesty and reality of this non-PC answer was SO refreshing to me. As is her entire book.

She has the beautiful way of sharing a story. The chapters “I’m Divin’ In” & “Cinderellas Everywhere” had me laughing so hard I thought I was going to pee on myself. The struggle of her depression, fear, and uncertainty overwhelmed me with the impact of their honesty. The joy of Emily’s wedding gave a glimpse into God’s work. The entire piece is about “doing life!” This life on earth is tragically beautiful…with a lot of hard gray outlines. It can be unbearable. However, there is a choice to SEE…there is a choice we make, sometimes moments at a time, to SEE God in the midst of the pain.

I don’t know why God took Maria from the Chapmans. I don’t know why God took Isaac from the Scalfs. I don’t know why God chooses to take any child away from a parent. However, He knows intimately what they face. He gave us His Son. The pain of that is REAL. The redemption of that is REAL.

As I read Mary Beth’s thoughts & real honest to goodness life (she is not PC, she is an honest, beautifully gifted woman, who shares her fears and doubts in a world that would rather you sweep them under the rug) I began to fall in love with this woman. She does life…I cannot imagine what it is like to have to get out of bed in the morning facing such insurmountable loss, but she does it honestly, heartfully, sometimes desperately.

I often have said that the Scalf family makes me SEE what life can be like after tragedy. They live their lives with so much JOY! They live fully that “joy comes in the morning.” I’ve often sat back in awe of the way God reveals His hand through this family. I would be a slobbering, tumbling, heart wrenching mess. While I do see the evidence of the cracked Alabaster…they have allowed His light to shine through their pain. They have allowed Him to put them back together.

I encourage anyone that is discouraged in doing this “Christian Life” to read Mary Beth’s book. It is truly a journey of struggle and hope.

I’m choosing to SEE, are you?

Thankful!

2010-11-24T12:23:00.000-08:00

I loved the sermon given to us last Sunday. The point of the message was, “Are you thankful for Him?” We often are thankful for all the things He gives us or provides us, especially in Western Theology, but are we thankful for the Giver of all these things. There is a beautiful song that I’ve searched for, but cannot seem to find, that says, “If He never does another thing for me, I’m going to serve Him, & praise Him…” Am I thankful for Him…that is a really excellent question? (One I’m still working on.)

But, in the midst of this Thankful Holiday I wanted to share my gratitude for the big and small things in my life ;)

1. I am so thankful for God’s Mercy…I act ‘unsaved’ most days, and I deserve a lot more punishment for my actions than I get. His justice & love truly go hand in hand. I am thankful for His love…despite me. His compassion and fearless pursuit of me & His desire to be near me…this reckless love is a deep & rich mystery…a miracle for which I am eternally grateful!

2. I’m richly blessed by my family. I love watching God move in my sisters’ lives. I often pray to on the burden of unfulfilled dreams, so that they might fulfill theirs. It isn’t an act of righteousness. It is an act of humility. I’m so blessed to just know these people; to call them family is a gift.

3. I cannot survive without the friends I do life with. Life is hard & being able to find a safe place for your heart is harder. My friends are honest, forthright, & beautiful creations. I see a glimpse of what Heaven is, the concrete reality of Christ’s love, and the genuine joy the Father has for us when I’m around them. All of my friends make me a better human being. I love them & do not take them for granted.

4. My home…I feel selfish even saying it, but nevertheless, I’m nesting beautifully. I LOVE my home. I’ve been thinking back on the long journey it has taken to get here, but as of Nov. 9th I have lived here six months. Six months…a blessing far undeserved. I feel utterly overwhelmed by it all.

5. So very thankful for my Dentist, Dr. Rex McCrary, who has shown me mercy and grace during a very difficult ordeal with my tooth. He will never fully understand what it has meant to me.

6. Rapha Ministries, who treat people like Christ…if you do not support this organization, you should, for you don’t know when you will not be able to afford insurance & have no where else to turn…they are an organization that GIVES all & expects very little in return.

7. My church family. What can I say? They build me up. They support and care. They are unbelievably loving. They are solace for a wounded heart.

8. My work…the love I have for children…the love I have for these children. The family I have gained. Wherever I go in the future the Scalf Family will have and indelible mark on my journey.

9. My LOVE for cooking…My LOVE for grocery shopping…My LOVE of good food!

10. Those that love me & those that don’t love me!

A Fight for JOY!

2010-11-04T12:23:00.000-07:00

I love Ransomed Heart Ministries. If you know me at all you know the impact that John Eldredge has had on my spiritual walk. He always has insight that brings me to a thoughtful, intimate place with Christ. I relish the monthly newsletter because I know I’m going to get fed.

I opened up September’s today (I am a little behind) & God gave me wisdom that I have been thinking on all day long.

He shared a personal story where he had prayed and waited for something for 15 years & he thought God was going to answer it the way he wanted & he didn’t! It hurt John’s heart & it made him question God & the power of prayer. He had felt like God was saying, “Yes!” & when it turned out he was wrong he was left feeling weak and bruised. He found it hard to pray…& then through dialogue with God he felt like God was saying…

“Every joy is deeply opposed!”

I was floored! As I finished reading the remainder of the newsletter I was floored again. I assumed that joy was a right. I assumed that joy was the icing on the cake. It was something that automatically comes.

I expect it in my day to day life…big and small, and when it doesn’t…when the hard nocks of life slam the chest door shut on my fingers…I feel abandoned, alone, hurt, & used up by God. I feel He is not for me, but against me. This is a lie from the very pit of Hell.

Joy, real joy, is central to the story. Therefore it is deeply opposed by the enemy. It is worth fighting for in the middle of the battle, but most of us give up trying when we can’t seem to take over the enemies’ camp on the first swing and unlock joy held captive.

I was expecting joy…or what I thought would bring joy.

There is a particular something I’ve been praying over for years…well on 15 years or more. The joy of it hasn’t been revealed to me yet. Others have tried to give me imitations of it. I have tried to create a sense of it on my own, but God has not given me the desires of my heart. I’ve felt jaded by this, misunderstood, and untrusting towards Him.

First, I really do not have the right to demand it of Him. I don’t have the right to assume that due to Him not answering this prayer the way I wish (I’ve waited long enough. It’s got to be out there somewhere), that He is purposefully stealing my joy. He is purposefully making me suffer.

Second, I need to clearly realize that Satan wants to oppose JOY! A life without joy is a life stagnant, self-righteous, and self-absorbed. A person without joy has no concern but for themselves.

Third, He is my shelter! He knows what is for my good, for my hurt, and when it is time.

So, once again I lay my little hopes and dreams at His feet. Once again, I can do nothing with them…they are His to do with as He wishes. I will fight for JOY! I will fight with JOY!

Joy is central & joy is opposed. Joy comes in the morning!

Lord, show me your Kingdom!

11 But let all who take refuge in you be glad;

let them ever sing for joy.

Spread your protection over them,

that those who love your name may rejoice in you.
12 For surely, O LORD, you bless the righteous;

you surround them with your favor as with a shield.
–Psalm 5: 11-12

10 because you will not abandon me to the grave,

nor will you let your Holy One see decay.
11 You have made known to me the path of life;

you will fill me with joy in your presence,

with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
- Psalm 16: 10-11

Ms. Isa & Wyatt!

2010-10-24T17:57:00.000-07:00

Saturday October 23, 2010 I attended Wyatt Benjamin Scalf’s Adoption Party. Tuesday October 19, 2010 I had the great honor and privilege of watching his adoption proceedings. The air was light. The judge was jovial! How often do you see a judge jovial? This was a happy day – a day of celebration. This was the day when everything I already knew to be true became true.

If you ask Wy to tell you his name he knows the routine. He puffs out his chest and recites what he has recited so many times, “Wyatt Benjamin Scalf”! He began to play with his name a few days after his adoption, saying it lower, then higher. He would cock his head and purse his lips…I was on the floor laughing. He got it! He was sort of over it. There had never been any question in his little mind who he was.

Saturday evening was wonderful. There were tones of people in celebration, kids running under foot, down slides, between tables, hot faced, sticky, sweaty…and full of life. The evening was simple… food, friends, & fellowship. This was a celebration!!!

It hit me when the slide show came on. I didn’t cry when Wyatt ran into my arms or “S” gave me opened mouthed kisses. However, seeing all the pictures of Wyatt throughout the close to the 3 years of this precious boy’s life was overwhelming. I fought tears. I finally just had to go talk to him, love on him in my way. I wasn’t going to be clingy, I wasn’t going to hog…but I needed just a moment to love him, just a moment to reign in my emotions.

I realized that I had been there when Wyatt had taken his first steps, said his first words, started making complete thoughts & becoming his own unique personality. I realized how uncertain we were in the beginning where he would be. I realized that he was indeed a miracle child, despite a horrific start to life he has become and intelligent, tenderhearted, soulful little being. God made him beautifully, perfectly.

The year and a half that I have been with the Scalf’s has been deeply impactful to my life. It has shaped me & formed me into a better human being, a better Christian, and a better Mother to my one day children. I am not Wyatt’s Mother, but I have the privilege of being his “Isa.” I told his speech therapist the other day that I didn’t care if he ever called me Ms. Melissa. I’m “Isa”! I have this special space with him…it is a space for just the two of us. I, hopefully, will leave as positive an imprint on his heart as he has left on mine. As all these children have.

My cup was filled to overflowing on Saturday. The impact hit me like a punch to the gut. I am infinitely grateful that Dave and Amy have entrusted me to LOVE their children. Of course, care for their day to day needs; make sure their safe, but to LOVE them like they are my own.

A typical morning looks like this. I go in fix coffee for Nanny. The boys are in bed watching cartoons. After a while Wyatt will say, “Isa?”

“Yes Wyatt!”
“How are you?”
“I’m good, and you!”
“You come get me out!”
“I’ll be right there!”

He is also very tenderhearted. One of my favorite things he says is, “Are you okay?” It is usually when you’ve hurt yourself or are frustrated. It is extremely concerned.

One morning I was speaking more to myself & said, “What is ‘H’ doing?” Wyatt responded with, “I have no idea!”

Wyatt is good about saying, “I sorry Isa, I didn’t mean to”, when he does something he isn’t supposed to. I try to always say, “that’s okay” or a lot of the time I’ll say, “I forgive you.” I say this to all the children. One day he did something he wasn’t supposed to & said, “I sorry Isa”…I think I said something like, “that’s okay” & he responded with “do you forgive me?” (Gut Punch!)

I’m overwhelmed by this treasure. He is truly going to grow up to be something incredible. I cannot wait to see what that will be.

…This is “Isa” signing off! I love you “Wy”…I love you Scalf Family!

Gettin' Out of the Boat (A Precurser to Planting Trees)

2010-10-10T17:59:00.000-07:00

On my bathroom mirror is the phrase: “Do what makes you strong in Christ!”

This was taken from one of the Ransomed Heart Newsletters. Oh how I love the wisdom of John Eldredge. He ministers to the believer’s soul, reminding me that I am meant for communion with God.

This is EXACTLY what I did today.

I’m really quite sad this day is over. I’ve made choices for Him instead of against Him.

Making choices against Him, if I’m really honest, is what I’ve been doing a lot lately.

I awoke & had a beautiful Sunday School class with my one little student…Andrew. The service today literally wanted me up shouting. Sometimes I have a very hard time containing myself. I look around at the sometimes seemingly sleepy congregation & am like, “People, do you get what is being preached!” (Of course this is a metaphor, I don’t really look around, I sit in the front row now, so I can’t! ;) I’m sure one of these days I’m going to make a COMPLETE fool of myself, jump up, and clap my hands over my head, and say, “Glory hallelujah, AMEN!” My hand literally got tired today from all the writing. I have ADD, so if I don’t write it down it ain’t goin’ in my little brain.

Then, we ate! Oh the blessed joy of Homecoming. It is truly one of my most favorite days of the year. It is in my favorite month. I visited for the first time during a Homecoming. There is food, and may I just say, we know how to cook!!!! I’m completely broke right now & have no food in my house & I was able to take enough food home to feed me for several days ;) As Wyatt would say, “Oh yeah, Baby!”

Then after the service I sang. I wish I wouldn’t get so dang nervous. I sing at home all the time & to me it sounds alright. I get up in front of the congregation and freak! I even missed a line in a song today! It is TRULY God keeping me humble. It is truly so I don’t get to big for my breeches. I mean, I can get up and talk until my face turned purple & it’s great, but ask me sing & God’s gotta be in the driver seat…it’s the way He likes it!

Then, I came home & really wanted to watch some “True Blood”! Honest to goodness one of my favorite shows right now, but completely and totally, if I’m really honest with myself, a show that brings no glory to God! (I find things that do, but in the end it holds no eternal weight!)

In the end I chose to watch “Letters to God”! I was prompted by the movie to write my own “Letter to God”!

Then, I came back and just listened to Andrew Peterson, Marc Scibilia, Sara Groves, JJ Heller, John Marc McMillian (all AMAZING artists you should check out), Selah, etc…

Then I got online and read several blog entries from Mr. Andrew Peterson. I perused the Rabbit Room website @ http://www.rabbitroom.com/ (it’s kinda amazing!)

Then, I went for a walk and listened to some Jon Freeman, lead singer of Switchfoot (thanks Dave, as Wyatt would say, “I like it!)

I came home and begin to type away on my computer. I’m really working on writing again. Whether it is blog, narrative, poem…whatever! This passion that needs to be cultivated.

Why am I telling you all this? I don’t know.

God’s asking me to get out of the boat. He is asking me to come back to Him. He is asking me to lay down all I have, all this baggage. He asking me if I’ll let him tear the dragon skin off (reference from “Voyage of Dawn Treader” by CS Lewis)!

I’m going to actively be searching for the adventure. I think it will be found more in the ordinary than in the extraordinary, but I’m looking. How will I know I’ve found it…well I simply have to look for Him telling me, “Come!”

Now, with all this said, it is more than likely I will wake with my own selfish ideals, thinking of me, me, me & fall miserably tomorrow. But, the beautiful thing about my Jesus is that He loves me just as much today as He will tomorrow…no matter if I’m serving Him, or falling flat on my face in front of Him. He is always ready to come by and pick little ole’ me up J

In closing I would like to share the refrain of the song “Planting Trees” by Andrew Peterson, which I think will have a blog of its own soon:

So sit down and write that letter
Sign up and join the fight
Sink in to all that matters
Step out into the light
Let go of all that’s passing
Lift up the least of these
Lean into something lasting:
Planting trees.

Love you ALL & good night!

Hope Lives On (a little rant from an unwise girl!)

2010-10-09T18:22:00.000-07:00

“There, peeping among the cloud-wrack above a dark tor high up in the mountains, Sam saw a white star twinkle for a while. The beauty of it smote his heart, as he looked up out of the forsaken land, and hope returned to him. For like a shaft, clear and cold, the thought pierced him that in the end the Shadow was only a small and passing thing: there was light and high beauty forever beyond its reach.” – J.R.R. Tolkien, Lord of the Rings

This is in the inside cover of “Counting Stars”, Andrew Peterson’s new album (which, if you don’t have it then you should get it, immediately!)

Smote = derived from the word “smite”; which means literally “to hit”. The beauty of this one star hit Sam’s heart.

Pierce = a verb meaning “to make a small hole”. Sam’s desperation was broken through in the realization that there was something the shadow could not touch.

There is so much going on in the world that is devastating right now.

Just in the last month I have heard more people of faith talk about how depressed and desperate they are. I have heard them sharing their sorrow over families being torn apart and marriages crumbling. I have heard of people so depressed that they cannot see the light of day.

My heart rips at the thought of a young boy feeling he has no other alternative but to end his life because of the taunts of some, who I’m sure, have confessed to be Christians. Do we forget that we have planks in our eyes? Do we forget that words wound? Do we forget that Jesus says, “LOVE!”…

“Love not of you, love not of me, come hold us up, come set us free…not as we know it, but as it should be…” – Sara Groves, Fireflies & Songs

Let’s lay ourselves bare. Let’s show what true authentic CHRIST living is like. Let’s put our necks out there & risk being slapped in the face…or our necks chopped off!

This world is full of hurting; bleeding, dying people & what do we have offer but judgment and a slammed door.

I want to press on until there is no hope left in my little body, until my little lungs are covered in ash, until all the wax is gone & the wick is burned. I want to love fiercely. I want them to see a difference, a change.

I want the light of one tiny star to smote me in such a way that my armor is pierced to the point that I lay all this petty finger pointing aside…all this your wrong & I’m right S%*#...& meet people where they are really at! Giving them the cup of living water, not from my hands, but His!

I want open and honest conversation…theology aside…let’s sit beneath a campfire, canopy of stars & share our souls, share our hopes and fears, share our doubts and certainties…if I look deep inside of you I think I might realize you look a lot like me.

There is so much more depth to Tolkien’s words that I want to express. I’m feeling a little less than truthful. I’m feeling a little fake. I say I want the journey the adventure, the unsafe God…but in truth I just want a cookie cutter Jesus, a drugstore Jesus, a Grilled Cheesus (for those who watch Glee…you will get that)…that will meet my demands with no cost to me.

Well, GOSH DARN IT! I want demands! (Oh Lord, be gracious if you think that is a prayer!) I want an adventure! I don’t want my life to be tied with ribbons & bows. I want to go out all messy…blood all over…fighting the GREAT & EPIC fight! Focusing on those things that are true, noble, good…

My rant could go on and on, but never end.

“In the night, my hope lives on” – Andrew Peterson, “Counting Stars”

Circles

2010-10-03T17:41:00.000-07:00

There is this perpetual need for me to run in circles. It seems I was born doing so. I run and run and run as fast as my little legs will carry me, but I always end up where I started. I cycle through life hoping I’m gaining wisdom, certain I’m gaining more baggage. Changes come of course, but never those changes that really matter. The changes that yield me, bind me to His unchanging will. I face the volcanoes we call trials down here with desperate need of self. I hyper focus on the problem entreating the Big Guy in the sky to swoop down and save. Crisis averted I wade back out in my own little row boat of self-righteousness and start fishing in the stagnant waters of sin.

There is a clear reason that the book of Hosea or the parable of the Prodigal Son strike me so profoundly. I’ve been both the Prodigal & the son that stayed. The son that stayed is bitter and frustrated and stale in his ‘goodness’. The Prodigal lives full throttle, pushing the envelope, dramatic at every turn, living life for satisfaction. Both boys were self-absorbed. You read where the Father even tells the son that stayed that all of what the Father had was his, but the son that stayed just stewed over the fact that the Father was searching for the good for nothing son that left.

Do I count the cost? Do I really understand what it means to pick up my cross for Him everyday? More importantly, do I really care? I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t really care. I say I care, oh yes! I mean I don’t want people to get the wrong impression of me. I don’t want people to think I’m not a ‘good’ Christian. Gotta keep those Christian Tap Shoes all polished & ready for the show, but my actions, my real actions, those things I do in the cover of night…well, they show the true underbelly of the character I am. The prayers I pray. The things I want. The things I think or thought would bring me some happiness. I don’t want to try. I don’t want to sacrifice. I think I understand the cost, but like a spoiled child I stick my tongue out at the Savior & spit at Him. I spit in His face. I spit at His love & sacrifice. If that weren’t enough I plug my ears and sing real loud so I don’t have to hear His voice.

I see people who are in the fight. I see people laying it down every single day. Going to the Andrew Peterson concert was extremely hard for me. I saw a man after God’s own heart, sharing not only truth, but his soul with us - the anguish and darkness that he felt being renewed and changed by the hope of Christ. I got very emotional. I got kind of angry. I got even more resigned to run, to hide, to wither.

I’m not producing fruit. I’m not showing the love of Christ. I don’t even really want Him to love on me right now. I guess I could say it is because I think I don’t deserve it, but honestly…if I was real & proper honest it’s because He won’t let me have my way. It’s because He isn’t meeting my demands. It’s because I like the safety and comfort of the blackness. Wow, admitting that to myself sickens me. Yet, it is the undeniable truth.

I’m 30 years old. I have been a Christian now for 18 years. I have been in church for 30 years 9 months. What do I have to show for it?

I remember clearly the day God showed me the vision of the hillside as the sun was just kissing the horizon. I remember weeping when He said, “this is what awaits you!” I also clearly remember the horizon fading in the distance as my back turned towards the light and I faced the darkness again, heading in my perpetual circle, my little lamp left under the wild oak where just an hour ago I had shared breakfast with the Savior.

I think about the Chronicles of Narnia. There are two men that I would love to meet if they were still alive and they are: AW Tozer & Mr. CS Lewis. Narnia was a world I dreamed of. It’s like reading or, for me, watching the Lord of the Rings. You believe you are a “Daughter of Kings”…you believe Christ has an amazing fight that you are meant to be a part of. The whole point of the LOTR is that the good guys are pushing and pushing against the darkness. Taking their little lamps of hope & pushing against this great blackness that is probably going to swallow them up, but they press on because they believe that there is hope in the darkest of night.

I digress…back to Narnia. Narnia was a world I had dreamed of. My sister, Michelle, pointed out to me that I could easily live in another world. I truly could. I feel out of place here (don’t we all, aren’t we all meant for another world). My thoughts and my actions are foreign to most. I think just a little left of center. I’m odd. I love it.

Again, I digress. I had not read the Narnia series when I was a child. Reading them as an adult was a far richer experience. I was lost in this fast rich world. I was a child again sitting on my Father’s knee. Realizing Christ was not safe, but good. He asked a lot of me. He asked things of me that I didn’t understand and that cost me a lot, but He was good…He was wonderful…he was in love with me.

In the “Magician’s Nephew” when Aslan sings the world into existence I about wanted to jump into the book. Just to catch a glimpse of that haunting melody that brought forth all creation in this magical world. Then, the entire last book, “The Last Battle”…if you have never REALLY taken the time to read these books I encourage you to do so.

When I was at the Andrew Peterson concert he had mentioned the Chronicles of Narnia. It was there that I was struck with something I never thought of before. One of my most favorite parts in the story is when Aslan plays on the hillside with Lucy & Susan. It fills me with such JOY that He would do that. However, when I look at the circumstances surrounding the time He played with them. Aslan has just died for the sins of Edmund (don’t you find it beautiful that CS Lewis wrote Aslan dying for the sins of one person, because in the end Christ did that, He died for you, NO ONE ELSE…just you…you’re the first picture in His wallet…He brags about you to the angels…He has an amazing story to tell about you.), He has come back to life, meanwhile Peter & Edmund are mounting a huge battle against the White Witch, there is great danger, great urgency, great need for Aslan to come in and save the day. But, if we look at what He does (and may I point out He understands the urgency needed, He understands the cost, the risk, the need for Him)…He plays with Lucy & Susan…

“Oh, children,” said the Lion, “I feel my strength coming back to me. Oh, children, catch me if you can!” He stood for a second, his eyes very bright, his limbs quivering, lashing himself with his tail. Then he made a leap high over their heads and landed on the other side of the Table. Laughing, though she didn’t know why, Lucy scrambled over it to reach him. Aslan leaped again. A mad chase began. Round and round the hilltop he led them, now hopelessly out of their reach, now letting them almost catch his tail, now diving between them, now tossing them in the air with his huge and beautifully velveted paws and catching them again, and now stopping unexpectedly so that all three of them rolled over together in a happy laughing heap of fur and arms and legs. It was such a romp as no one had ever had except in Narnia; and whether it was more like playing with a thunderstorm or playing with a kitten Lucy could never make up her mind. And the funny thing was that when all three finally lay together panting in the sun the girls no longer felt in the least tired or hungry or thirsty.

“And now,” said Aslan presently, “to business. I feel I am going to roar…

The Lion the Witch & The Wardrobe
CS Lewis
P. 163-164

I just have to stand in awe of God sometimes. He knows that we have great trials. He knows that this world is a battle. We live on the battlefield with are armor always on. We are pushing and fighting through sorrow, suffering, attacks from the evil one. We face death each and every day of our lives. However, our loving Father desires to give us the keys to the Kingdom. He desires to give us JOY! He desires to give us life.

28"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Matthew 11: 28-30

Now a “yoke” & a “burden” don’t sound like pleasant things. This road will not be easy! If I would just realize that my desire leads to death & His leads to life! What a wonderful horrible overwhelmingly beautiful journey we are on.

If you care or have time read my story, “A Walk”…it is related to my circles of life!

Leaning into...Him!

2010-09-05T11:45:00.000-07:00

“All the masterpieces of art contain both light and shadow. A happy life is not one filled only with sunshine, but one which uses both light and shadow to produce beauty.” – Billy Graham.

“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.” – Annie Dillard

“For if you ask only for faith, hope, love, freedom, happiness, modesty, humility, etc., without making them concrete in the nitty-gritty of daily life, you probably haven’t really involved God in your real life… Our numerous requests simply become the concrete way of saying that we trust in the fullness of God’s goodness, which he wants to share with us. Whenever we pray with hope, we put our lives in the hands of God.” – Henri JM Nouwen

To say that I’ve been self-absorbed is an understatement. The people around me have really had a great deal of patience with me…God love them for loving me. A lot has happened in my life & the mere fact that I’m taking the time to sit down & do one of the things that gives me more joy than anything in this word, which of course is writing, proves what a Mighty Awesome God we do indeed serve. I haven’t sat to write anything of substantial worth in about 6 months or so. All the passion and desire has just flitted away. That my fingers are moving desperately to keep up with my thoughts right now is filling me up to overflowing. I haven’t had this experience in a long time. I reveling in it…praying it lingers for awhile.

When I moved into a home of my own in May it was a lot larger adjustment than I could have ever imagined, the insomnia and worry is something I wish on no one. I internalize a great deal, working the problem over, always making it worse. In the end life settled down & I began to blissfully nest. It is an experience that still brings me great joy. I cannot tell you what a space of my own has done for me. I feel often selfish & burdened that I have so much while others have so very little. I’m not sure it’s a struggle that I ever want to NOT be burdened with. I don’t want to get to comfortable. However, this little gift leaves me constantly sending little streams of praise to God. My passion for cooking has ignited & I’m delighting in cooking up new and delicious recipes. I’m also extremely aware that this is not something I’ve gained because of God’s extra favor toward me. He has given, and if He chooses He can take away…not because of what I’ve done, but because of who He is.

He never allows me to become to comfortable. He knows my spirit oh so very well. He is aware that if He just left me alone to my “vices” then I would just keep right on without a moments thought to Him, except maybe a quick prayer or a glance at my Bible, you know, to keep the “good Christian” exterior up. So, He rattles the cage a little. He allows satan to sift me…He works me through until I’m breathlessly falling prostrate on my face, in need of HIM!

As many of you know I have had a tooth that has been causing me a lot of problems, it still is actually, which is a topic I refuse to discuss. God provided the money & now He is going to have to provide the remainder of the healing…it is what it is.

The second thing is that I’ve been having a lot of stomach trouble. It is likely I will have to have gallbladder surgery…I’m waiting for an appt. w/ Rapha so I can maybe do this a more cost efficient way.

I have no health or dental insurance!!!!

So, what have I been doing! Wallowing…YES! Worrying…YES! Freaking Out…sometimes! Leaning on God…sometimes! Trying to managing the situation myself…OH YES!

What I find most interesting when I try to manage things myself is the prayers I offer God. I begin to bargain with Him. I begin to make deals. I’ll deal with this Lord, if you will just do this for me. I can handle this, but I just don’t think I can handle this…

The big prayer for the gallbladder has been…”Lord, just provide me with an evening job w/ benefits so I can pay off the surgery bills, and Lord please provide me with the money to support myself, & I’ll work a nighttime job if you will just take care of…etc…”

These last several days I have been in a lot of pain & that scares me. God keeps tapping me on the shoulder, speaking to my heart & saying, “Pray that the gallstones are taken away!”

My response, “WHAT? You know God that once gallstones occur that rarely if ever leave the body? Are you crazy? (micro managing much!)

I felt that urge again this evening…”Pray the gallstones are taken away!”

The honest truthful fact of the matter is that I’m afraid to pray that prayer. I would rather pray for the pieces to be picked up in the aftermath than to go out on the limb where the fruit is. I would rather wallow in worry & fear, trying to micro manage, than to say, “Hey God, you are the God who does the impossible…rock my world!” I feel like, honestly, I don’t deserve for Him to rock my world. I don’t deserve His grace, His mercy, His favor. I still feel like the little girl afraid of her Daddy’s punishing hand. I know better, God has taught me so much about His character…I know better, but still…

It is amazing that He never gets fed up with me. He continually comes to me. He continually challenges my level of comfort. He does not want me complacent. I’m a mess, but I’m a mess that Jesus loves. I’m a mess that He is cleaning up. I’m like poor Eustace in “The Voyage of Dawn Treader” trying to rid myself of the horrible dragon skin, pulling off one messy layer at a time only to find another layer of dragon skin underneath. It isn’t until Aslan pulls the dragon skin off that Eustace is made new. And if you remember Eustace made the statement that is was something akin to the most horrible & wonderful feeling he had felt. It hurt worse than anything coming off, but that it was actually off helped to make him feel brand new. Sometimes, I’m just too afraid of the pain that I miss the chance for God to make me NEW! I miss the chance just too simply be with Him.

So, my desperate hopeful prayer until the end of September is going to be, “Lord, take the gallstones away, make me new, make me more like you!”

What inspired me to begin writing tonight was the first quote…I have a calendar that gives me all these lovely quotes. I discovered that one & then the two others followed. I was blown away. God is so completely faithful.

25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? – Matthew 6: 25-30

I LOVE the book of Nehemiah! He was a man obedient to the Lord! His story inspires me. My favorite passage of scripture from this book is small. It is in a moment of dier need. They are concerned with rebuilding the temple, they are bombarded by threats from other leaders, the men are sleeping in their armor around the temple wall, people are weary, scared, and in need. Nehemiah could have gotten ticked at God, he could have gotten angry with the people, he could have prayed that they have more faith, or that they get more rest, but instead, seeing his own failings he prays this:

9 For they all were trying to make us afraid, saying, “Their hands will be weakened in the work, and it will not be done.” Now therefore, O God, strengthen my hands.- Nehemiah 6:9
I often find myself praying for Him to strengthen my hands.

I know I’ve been all over the place in this post. I used to have such direction and passion back in those younger days when I wrote ;)…however, I do want to leave you with something I wrote awhile back. I keep coming back to it because it stills my heart & gives me so much JOY! There are other writings I could share that could be more relevant to this post than this one, and I’ve shared it more than once, but I just need it sometimes. I need the SACRED ROMANCE! I need to be reminded that this world has nothing for me. I need to be reminded that God is in this for His Glory. I need to be reminded that His heart is enraptured with me…I need to be reminded that He doesn’t need me, He wants me. I need to be reminded that this is NOT my home…so…

I envision myself standing in a room; wood floor tarnished and dug in from many romping nights of music, laughter and fellowship. I can see the moons hallowed glow, and the twinkling stars through the open door in the back. The light from lanterns hung on white washed beams cast an inviting glow to travelers along the weary road. I’m dressed in a 19th century dress, soft purple with little white daisies bubbling about. My curls are braided with a sprig of lavender placed in the back; ringlets encircle my face, green eyes nearly keeping up with the stars. My weathered and worn lace up black boots adorn my feet, which are raised on tiptoes, rocking back and forth, while my arms lace around my back. My fingers are fidgeting with a handmade handkerchief embroidered in yellow roses. I’m humming…”Jesus paid it all, all to him I owe, sin had left a crimson stain, he washed me white as snow.” I hear the laughter of those around me. Some are enjoying refreshment, while others are chatting in comfortable groups. Time progresses and more travelers arrive, friendly smiles, and warm greetings are passed among hand shakes and giggles. The band tunes up and begins to play…soft and low at first, and then raising to their peak a rowdy sort of number that makes certain young folk dance upon the air. All the while I’m observing, keeping rhythm with my toe. He walks in casting a shimmer of a smile my way. My heart will surely explode before He makes His pardons to grasp my hand. Fear rises up in me and I shut my eyes and swallow hard. He touches my face gently sending warmth and peace. He takes my hand and pulls me confidently to the dance floor. The air smells of lavender and my feet touch air. I feel young and free, eight years old again in an open field being swung around by my Father, feet touching heavenward.Shall I dance? My feet have to move first…I MUST take His hand. I can no longer look to the side or the back of me, or be concerned of the ought of the matter. I must do what I must. I must be reckless. I must let my heart take wing and soar by His side. Life is truly a dance or a play however you choose to look at it. It can be a tragedy, comedy, drama, or documentary. However, the only partner worth having, the only dance worth dancing, is with Him close by my side. I choose to hear His music in the night.

3 The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying:"I have loved you with an everlasting love;I have drawn you with loving-kindness.4 I will build you up againand you will be rebuilt, O Virgin Israel.Again you will take up your tambourinesand go out to dance with the joyful……13 Then maidens will dance and be glad,young men and old as well.I will turn their mourning into gladness;I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.Jeremiah 31: 3-4; 13

Brilliance of Simple Moments!

2010-04-15T09:46:00.000-07:00

"Existence has a value wholly inexpressible, we are most truly compelled to that sentiment not by any argument or triumphant justification of the cosmos, but by a few of these momentary and immortal sights and sounds, a gesture, an old song, a portrait, a piano, an old door." - GK Chesterton

Our lives are made up of the great mystery, wholly delicious, wholly complicated, wholly inarticulate. We don't have the right words or gestures in which to express this existence. Yes, we can look at the numerous stars in the night sky & literally have our breath taken away. It is a 'stop you in your tracks' sort of moment. In that moment we realize that we are a tiny speck of the great whole. There is a bigger purpose bleeding for us to be a part...a part of Him, a part of the mystery, a part of the beauty.

This quote by GK Chesterton struck me deeply. While, I can easily recognize the "triumphant justification" in seeing the cosmos, I almost always miss those little cherished moments sent to me on a daily basis. God plants little kisses on our cheeks each moment of the day. He delights in giving us beauty to behold. I was returning some tapes to the movie rental today & was overwhelmed at the beauty of Spring. It made may heart soar to see His Creation unfold for me.

In reading the last part of this quote: "these momentary and immortal sights and sounds, a gesture, an old song, a portrait, a piano, an old door", I had this wonderful vision. I love the thoughts of these little momentary glimpses being immortal...transcending, taking us into the divine.

The vision is of an old country home. Shutters open, windows up, curtains blowing in the breeze, chipped blue paint, window boxes, wrap around porch, front porch swing...a kind older woman, grey hair wrapped in a bun, glasses sitting upon a button nose, welcoming me in with a weathered gesture. A piano plays "Amazing Grace" in the background & I pass a beautiful portrait of a young girl in yellow dress, daises in her hand, head tilted back, mouth open in full laughter, swinging on a tire swing. Welcome in, welcome home...this is what matters, this is life!

Running in the grass without your shoes on, dipping your toes in the creek, eating watermelon on a hot summer day, fresh squeezed lemonade, children laughing, good conversation with friends...no boundaries, no hindrances...walking w/ Him in the garden!

Silent Night by Melissa Darsey

2009-12-08T17:34:00.000-08:00

This story was written many years ago. I was driving on Main looking at all the decorations. I passed the Catholic Church...people wafting out with mittens and scarfs about them. I was in the moony phase of being a part of a new church family and quickly wrote this little story as a dedication to the people I love so much. This is still one of my favorite stories to pick back up. I wrote it in one night. "Silent Night" is one of my favorite songs. This is still dedicated to the family unit I have at Northside Baptist Church. I love you guys.

Old man winter shivered across the Earth stirring up magic and snow on the tiny streets of Bethlehem. The streets of the small town glittered and winked with each kiss of a moonbeam. The town folk were all nestled and cozy dreaming dreams that only Christmas could bring. The town fairly twinkled with holly and lights wrapped snuggly around light polls, spilling from store windows, and dancing on window pains. The town, while sleeping, was not quite dead. “Ding dong, Ding dong” went the bells in the tower of St. Mary’s Catholic Church whispering to it’s patrons that Christmas Eve mass was about to begin. The carols wafted from the old church like steam from a cup of hot cocoa, sweet, delicious, and warm.

A man, bent by life, and withered by a journey fully lived, stood outside the steps of St. Mary’s, eyes closed, taking in the sweet sounds of the rejoicing congregation. “Bless them Lord, they so love you, and in turn have reminded me that I do as well. May you be so remembered in each heart this Christmas and Christmases to come.” After whispering this prayer the old man lifted his glistening eyes toward Heaven to behold the clear blanket that had unfolded before him. “What a wondrous hand that has made this magical night.” With a little sigh he turned his back toward the church and began to slowly walk down the abandoned streets. Steadied by his cane his steps were slow and sure, his soul filled up and spilled over, and the song Silent Night came slow and low from his lips. In his right hand he held his cane, and under his left arm a small wooden object set snuggly between the fabrics of his weathered coat. He was certain of his mission and would not quit until it was completed. How still and quite everything was. How beautiful and peaceful. This gentle peace must have been felt the first Christmas.

An hour swiftly past and finally the old man beheld the little church sleeping snuggly on the hill. His heart skipped a beat and his weathered pace quickened. Still wheezing the old Christmas hymn he began to climb the hill. The journey was long and hard, but he had come through a lot worse. Once at the top he turned to look at the town of Bethlehem beneath him, for you could see the expanse of the town from this spot. The old man always felt that the little church was a true reminder of the Shepherd watching his flock. For as the good Shepherd is always watching over us, so this little church watched over the town. He ascended the steps one by one, and with a little push this way and a little tug that he gently opened the door of the little church. The warmth inside wrapped around him like a blanket and he slowly stepped inside closing the door behind him.

Walking to the front of the church he sat in the front pew placing his cane and the wooden object beside him he folded his hands in prayer. With the prayer finished he picked up the small wooden object and walked to the alter, laying it ever so gently in its final resting place. He stroked the intricate face and a single tear trickled down his wrinkled cheek. Eyes lifted to Heaven he whispered one final prayer, “I love you”, and with that prayer he disappeared into the night air.

1:05am
Pastor Woods sat straight up in bed sweat trickling from his brow, chills running up and down his spine. He had struggled falling to sleep and he could not believe the blurry numbers he read on the clock. He had worked for hours to make this last Christmas Day service perfect. He and Martha had had a fight over this very fact. Yet, he struggled with the reason he had awoken so suddenly. The dream he was having was quickly being erased from his memory, and the foggy remnants didn’t seem to be anything that would have startled him out of his sleep. He looked at Martha still snug and sleeping under the covers. He brushed her cheek with his lips and whispered, “I’m sorry.” He had been on edge lately, after more than 45 years of service he was retiring from being Peace Hill Baptist’s Pastor. He knew the Lord was leading him on this path, but he was having a very hard time letting go.

He parted the covers back and slunk out of bed as quiet as a mouse. He gathered his clothes from the chair next to the bed and journeyed into the bathroom to change. Dressed and ready, he slipped past his bed and still sleeping wife and descended the steps of the home he and Martha had lived in since they were married. He took the keys from the hook on the kitchen wall and headed for the front door. A little creak rang through the house as he opened the door. He squinted and prayed that it did not wake Martha from her slumber. The chill of the night air grabbed him and a shiver ran up his back as he descended the porch steps.

Lights on and headed in reverse the old Fords heat was puffing strong and steady. He made a left turn onto Grace Street and began to climb the hill to the little church that he had preached at many a Sunday. Pulling the truck into one of the snow covered parking spaces he turned the key and the cars engine died beneath his fingertips. Opening the door, he stepped out of the truck; his eyes glistened for the church was beautiful against the frosty night. Traveling up the familiar stairs he was quickly inside the warmth and familiarity of his church.

Pastor Woods could not figure out what drove him here. “What am I looking for” he thought as he checked over every pew to see if anything was out of place. Everything was where it should be he thought, and finally decided the stress of the last few months had made him a little undone. He sat down slowly on the first pew of the church and bowed his head in prayer. As he lifted the words to Heaven and extra warmth filled his soul, warming him from the inside out. He gently opened his eyes and his hands touched his wet face. He hadn’t even realized that he had been crying. He rose to leave when his eyes caught the corner of something that was on the alter. He saw that it was a small box made out of cherry wood and beautifully carved. The etching was of a cross encircled by a heart. His hands traced the surface before lifting the lid. Inside was a letter that simply read, “All I have I give to you, Happy Birthday.”

The box not only contained the letter but an old war metal, what appeared to be wedding bands, some old coins, a piece of cloth that smelled like rose water, and a picture of a young boy. Pastor Woods flipped the picture over and read in the pale moonlight the name of Peter Sims. He repeated the name over and over in his mind. Why did it sound familiar to him? “Peter Sims”, his lips uttered the name trying to draw the knowledge that was trapped in his brain. Suddenly he remembered where he knew that name. Several weeks ago a middle aged woman had asked him to come and talk and pray with her ailing father. She said that he didn’t have much time. Pastor Woods had noticed the dark circles under her eyes, but more importantly the sadness in them. With a gentle squeeze of his hand he promised that he would be there. Peter Sims was her Father’s name.

He rushed out of the church back into his truck and fired up the engine. It wasn’t long before he saw the lights of the local hospital. He ran through the hallway and up the stairs, forget taking the elevator. His feet didn’t slow until he saw the number 214. The door was slightly ajar and he softly knocked as he opened it. His ears caught the faintest sound of what he thought was singing. He gently passed the door and saw the Sims family on their knees, holding hands, eyes closed, faces turned to Heaven, and coming from each mouth soft and low was the beautiful carol Silent Night. The daughter lifted her eyes until they met his, and she slowly loosened the grip of those next to her and rose to her feet to greet him. “Oh Pastor, Dad would be so glad that you stopped by. He talked about you often after you left that day.”

Turning toward her family, who by this time had risen to their feet she introduced each to Pastor Woods. Each greeted him with a warm and gentle smile and hello. However, Pastor Woods’ eyes kept traveling to the empty hospital bed. “Your Father, where is he”, he finally asked the daughter. “Dad passed away a few hours ago. We asked the nurses if we could stay a little while and pray. They were kind enough to let us.” “I am so sorry”, Pastor Woods said. “Don’t be, Dad lived a full life, and his death was so peaceful and gentle. It was if the angels came and scooped him up and carried him to the Savior arms.” “I know this might sound strange, but what time did you Father pass away?” Pastor Woods asked with pleading eyes. The daughter began to think for a moment and said, “I guess it was around 1:05 am Pastor, but why do you want to know?” A shiver shot through Pastor Woods’ back. “I think I felt the brush of the angels’ wings as they passed by.” “What a strange and wondrous thing to say,” she said.

Suddenly remembering something important she went to the dresser beside the bed and pulled something from it. “Dad left you this card with specific instructions that it was not to be open until Christmas Day.” With trembling hands Pastor Woods took the card from the daughter’s hand and kissed her cheek whispering, “Bless you and your family dear child.” She leaned into his ear and whispered back, “He already has dear man.” They exchanged Merry Christmases through teary eyes and Pastor Woods found it hard to walk as he left the room.

He did take the elevator this time and as he stepped outside he was not sure that his legs would hold him. He found a bench and wiped a portion of the snow from its frame. He sat down and pulled the letter out of his coat pocket. He broke the seal and pulled the small card from its package. The picture on the front was of Jesus laying in a manager and a star overhead. He slowly opened the card to discover the words it held inside. The card read:

Pastor Woods,

It was great to talk with you today. As my daughter has often told me I am old and set in my ways. I adamantly refused when she told me you were stopping by. I was not ready to let go, and the thought of seeing your face was a sure sign that the end was near.

However, when you came in I was filled with peace and comfort. Your ease and gentle manner put my soul to rest. You never talked at me, but with me. You are the true art of what a pastor should be. I loved sharing old memories with you that I felt long buried. Thank you Pastor for showing me God’s love in a real way. You helped this old man to let go.

After you left my daughter told me of your circumstances and that you were struggling with your retirement. Well, I guess we have something in common. We were both struggling with letting go of a life we weren’t through living. And this fact got me to thinking.

God gave up so much sending His Son that fateful Christmas Eve. He had to watch Him grow in love and strength and honor, and then He had to watch Him die. I lost a boy myself when he was only 7 years old, it has been more than 60 years and it still rips my heart out everyday, and I know I did not give him up freely to save someone else. I’m not even sure that I could do that. Our Father in Heaven gave up so much so that we might have eternal life.

This fact not only makes me trust Him, but makes me want to trust Him.

I say all this to say we have to live life to His will not to our own.

Trust Him Pastor, let go!

Yours,
Pete

PS Remember He gave it all one Silent Night!

Tears fell onto the card blurring the ink. Pastor Woods tucked the card safely back into his pocket, wiped the tears from his face, and rose from the bench. As he walked through the cold crisp night the sweet words of Silent Night spilled from his lips.

THE END

"My Kids"

2009-11-30T18:14:00.000-08:00

"A child's life is like a piece of paper on which every person leaves a mark."-- Robert A. Heinlein

"He who teaches children learns more than they do" -- German Proverb

"Every child is born a genius."-- R. Buckminster Fuller

I have wanted to write this for a long while, but actually finding the time this time of year is nearly impossible. I have had the privilege of working in many wonderful establishments. I have created and kept strong friendships from each place that I’ve worked. All of these experiences special in some shape or form.

It is quite amusing, however, to see where God puts you. I envisioned myself making a cool million or so while directing and producing TV and film. While this medium still entices me, it does not hold the same love luster feeling it once did.

I sort of scrambled here and there for my niche – my very own something. Well, I believe that I have found that with a humble and giving family. Whether you call me a “nanny”, “babysitter”, “caretaker”, etc… the journey that I’m on now is rich and deep and awe inspiring. I cannot tell you the joy that the entire Scalf family has brought into my life. I have learned so much from Dave and Amy on how to be humble Christians and better people. I have had the privilege in sharing triumphs and failures with them…plus they allow me to LOVE on their kids like they were my own. I’m so indebted to them for their love and confidence and loving friendship – fellowship.

Shall I talk about the kids… Sophie (pictured above) reminds me so much of myself. An older gentleman (Mr. Earl Glover) used to call me “Little Mama” at church. I see this in Sophie. She is soon to be eight going on 28. She adores using her imagination. I truly believe that she will be a prolific writer someday. She loves to make up stories and to draw. She can be a little sassy at times. My favorite moments are when she comes home from school and leans into me or snuggles with me. I love that loving thoughtful spirit in her. She is an affection giver, a sensitive soul. I cannot wait to see what her journey entails.

One of my favorite times with her, and I know I’ve shared this before is when her brother Aiden was not using any patience. I say, “Patience is virtue ALL of the time!” I begin to say, “Aiden, patience…” and without skipping a beat she say, “…is a virtue!” Her laugh, if a spark, could ignite a wildfire…we both laughed while little brother stared in disgust.

I also enjoyed a story Amy shared with me. Sophie was having a rough day, got into it with her Great-Grandmother, etc… She told her Mom later that day, “Ms. Melissa said I was just emotional today.”…LOL! Aiden (what can I say about this picture. This was and overnighter I did for Amy and Dave. We are getting ready to finger paint. I told Aiden that if he got finger paint on his white shirt his Mom would kill me…surprisingly he kept it clean, even though he smashed all his colors together and got it up each arm!) is my little philosopher. I know that his wisdom is going to outshine mine, so usually I’m quite and pay attention when I’m around Aiden. He can have a bit of a temper, but even that comes from a very earnest place. He is never malicious; there is a practical reason for everything he does. We are going to be standing back in awe some day of this brilliant man God is creating.

I have shared so many wonderful stories about him. It is so difficult to choose.

I had him home a couple days when he wasn’t feeling well. He was a delight. He knows how much his sister “H” loves Dora. She was at school one of these days and he said, “Ms. Alissa I wish “H” was here.” I said, “yeah Aiden, why?” He responded, “Because Dora is on.”

I also remember he, “W”, and myself listening to the “Flushed Away” soundtrack he found online…he also has a laugh that will turn you inside out. We were laughing and dancing, and may I just say that “W” & Aiden have more rhythm in their short little years than I will ever possess in my 29…

One of my favorites was the overnighter…he went to take a bath (normally he takes a shower, but he wanted to take a bath)…I had just bought them new shampoo. In walks Aiden after his bath, PJs plastered to his skin. He comes up to me and goes, “Ms. Alissa smell my hair.” As I reach to smell his hair I noticed that it is platted to his head. I touch it and it is full of soap. I say, “Aiden, your head is covered in soap, why didn’t you wash it out?” His response was, “Well see, Ms. Alissa, I don’t know how to wash the soap out, see!” I said, “Come on I’ll dump water over your head.” He giggled at that. At first I had the water too cold and then too hot, but eventually we got the soap out. Then, after drying his head, he says, “Okay Ms. Alissa, smell my hair now.”
“Oh Aiden, it smells wonderful.”
“You want to know what I did.”
“What did you do?”
“I put both shampoos together,” he says this with a look of triumph.
“That was very smart, Aiden.”
“Thanks.” “H” (her face and name can’t be given for protection, one day soon I’ll be able too though). She is the little girl that Aiden has a death grip on. We went on a hay ride and to a corn maze. Aiden made it a point to protect her…

“H” and I had a few go arounds in the beginning. I wasn’t sure how things were going to shape up. In the end, however, I love this child more than you will ever know. I love her heart. I love her spirit. She loves to be praised. She is truly one of the biggest helpers when you lose something, she knows where everything is. She can be sneaky and definitely has a temper, but I love her honesty.

I had taken her out to JK Café for her birthday. I also had “W” and “S” in toe. I was a little nervous. This could all go badly. However, she was my big girl that day. She helped me by holding “W” hand and staying right with me. She also ate really well that day too.

That same day there were three young and very attractive guys sitting at the table next to us. She just stared at them and flirted with them. They said “hi”, she said “hi” back. These young men were getting a kick out of it. I even said, “H, are you flirting with those boys.” She just grinned. They ended up leaving at the same time we did. Before getting in the van, she proceeds to put one hand on her hip and wave her hand and say, “Bye guys, Bye guys (in her 4 year old voice)” I told Amy, to watch out.

There was one day she threw a WWIII fit. I proceeded to put her on her bed and close the door. Before to long she had gotten off her bed threw herself in the hallway and was howling and screaming. I told her, “H, I’m not going to look at you or talk to you until you have calmed down.” A few minutes go by and it is quiet. I say nothing. A little time goes by and I hear a large sigh followed by, “O’tay I ‘talmed down now.”

Just here recently I had told her to give a toy “W”. It wasn’t fair of me at all. “H” had it first, but I was so tired of hearing “W” crying. “H” gave me some attitude when I asked her something and I said, “Okay Ms. Attitude.” She said, “I sorry Ms. Alissa but I too mad at you right now.” Oh the wisdom of a four year old. “W” (this picture was taken after “W” proceeded to take the full diaper bag, open it up and hand me first the diapers, wipes, bottles, etc… I sat them all on the counter. Now I believe that as long as they are not placing their self in danger I’m going to let them use their creativity. So all the stuff in the diaper bag is now on the table or the toys from that box are dumped on the floor and the box is now used as a helmet, that’s cool…I digress. After handing me all the things in the diaper bag he proceeds to take the now empty bag, place it on the back of the fire truck and ride around with it. He knew from that very first diaper he gave me what he wanted to do with it. Oh the joy of an almost 2 year old.) is the light and heartbeat of the family. He may be a little speech delayed, but mentally he packs a punch. Everyone who sees him says that he reminds them of a little man. With his glasses he absolutely is. He loves things in their place. One day he came and straightened the end table in the living room. He knows that when you are in bed you are supposed to cover up. I threw him on the bed one day and left to grab the laundry in the hall I came back he was covered up, head against the pillow, watching TV. He is all boy. He loves to throw, hit, play, and once again, that darn laugh…those darn mischievous faces…oh boy…are we in trouble.

The boy loves baths. He does what I like to call the surfer move. He lies down in the tub and pulls his belly back and forth along the tub bottom. His little fanny is in the air and he is laughing all the way.

There are so many stories I could keep you here all day. One day I hear a low “uhhhhhh” coming from the back room. I go back to their bedroom and call for “W”, but don’t see him. I look in the closet, he isn’t their. This scares me. Then I see two little feet sticking out from underneath his low lying crib. “W, what are you doing under there?” I get down and peer under his crib. There he is pacifier in his mouth. He had gone in after it and gotten stuck. He wasn’t scared he just needed help.

That same day I’m using the bathroom when I hear a LOT of jabber coming from outside the bathroom door. I open the door and I see “W” pointing down the hall towards the kitchen and he is just a jabbering. I said, “Alright, show me.” I follow him to where his brother “S” is dumping all the cat food in the cat water. “W” stands over him, finger pointed down and wagging at him, all the while looking at me and jabbering…as if to say, “Ms. Melissa look what he is doing.” (May I mention that shortly after this “W” started putting the cat food in the cat water…he learned something from his younger brother.)

I love when he gives kisses. I love how he eats like a little man. I love when he is snuggly. Even when he feels crappy he still has a happy spirit. “S” my little dumplin’ boy (he is the one in the walker). This one was also a challenge. When he first came to the home he was truly inconsolable. His tummy hurt him and he struggled. Go forward many months to a soon to be 1 year old. He still has his moments, but watching this little one grow, crawl, pull up, cut teeth and develop a little personality has been one of the biggest blessings of my life. I love how before he goes into another room he peeks his head out of the room he is in and takes a look around. I love the faces he makes. I love his vocal jabber. I love his snuggly loves.

I remember the first time he clapped. I heard both the boys talking in their room. I go in to get them up from their nap and there is “W” and “S” sitting up in their beds just a clapping. As “S” taught “W” how to play in the cat food, so “W” taught “S” to clap. “W” and “S” are going to be best of friends and true sparring buddies.

He loves to explore everything. I fear that I will have two walkers after the first of the year. One doesn’t care if you tell him “no” and the other one doesn’t understand the meaning of the word…oh boy!!!

Just today he stood at the gate and for the first time when Amy left he cried for her. I was broken hearted, but I also thought how utterly sweet. (It also could have had a lot to do with her being up with him all night.)

He likes to help me with the dishes. I’ll place the utensils basket up on the counter so he doesn’t get near the knives, but he will play with the cups and plates I put in there.

He cries when you leave a room because he doesn’t want to be left alone, and his smile could light up the universe. He is always happy to see you, and would often be content with one simple chew toy sitting on the couch watching TV with you.

These kids have helped to shape my life in ways that I could never ever imagine. This job is challenging, fun, exciting every single day. You never know what’s going to happen. I have the privilege of getting the boys out to see my Mom. I get to shop, do clothes, take care of the house as well as take care of the kids. It isn’t a job to me. It is a joy. As my friend Jill said, “you just go play all day don’t you.” I do. I really really do…

Woman on Fire!

2009-11-01T12:10:00.000-08:00

This is what happens when you are obedient to God even when you don't want to be. If I had disobeyed I would have still been blessed, but not transformed. He is renewing me everyday...enjoy...

Most of you who have known me any amount of time might have possibly heard me gush over my church a time or two. I am so blessed to have this body of believers to worship with. They are my second family. It is my privilege to call Northside Baptist Church home. It was a very long and difficult journey to get to this space. I was out of church for nearly two years before I found them – I was extremely jaded. While, we still have our issues I have grown and thrived with this little body of believers. I have experienced the most growth in this little church than the whole span of my Christian life. I know the nuggets of truth planted within my heart with these guys will be an indelible mark on my future journey.

I had the wonderful opportunity this morning to go hear an amazing woman of God speak at Christ Church. Their Pastor is the Father of the children I keep. I REALLY wanted to go. I mean, I had resolved myself that I was going. At first, I didn’t even really seek God about it. I figured, hey, I’m going to church – right? Wrong!

I kept feeling a nagging pull to attend my church. Finally, I felt like God was saying, “I haven’t given you permission to attend anywhere else on Sunday, Melissa.” Oh brother, you know I what I did next right…I argued, “But God, listen, it would be really awesome to attend this church and be able to worship in a different way.” I thought maybe I was just crazy and really He did want me to go to Christ Church. In the end He basically said, “Go to your church, Melissa.”

Alright, fine! Very begrudgingly I sent an email telling the appropriate parties that I would be attending my church.

Sunday morning I got up got dressed and set out for church. When I got there however, things felt slightly different. First, I was completely sluggish physically, overwhelmingly so. I felt ill and frustrated for no particular reason. I will be completely honest with you. I have not been in the Word consistently in a very long while. I go through this ‘chasing after the wind’ crap more than I would like to admit.

I took my dumplin’ boy, my best friend’s baby, Luke, into my arms, he was tired and fussy. I fed him and quickly got him to sleep. I love how comfortable he is around me and that he feels safe enough to fall asleep in my arms. I passed him off to his Dad once he arrived and headed for choir. I was very excited to be at church, yet, I still felt overwhelmingly tired. We sang “Heart of Worship”. I love this song, frankly I just love singing. The choir is the place I feel most joy.

Then, my beloved and endearing pastor was honored. He will be with us for 15 years tomorrow. My Daddy, in his later years, has really taught me what it means to be a loving husband and a selfless man. I’m honored to have such a Father in my life. My Pastor, Bro. Jesse Kline, is likewise a very wise and respected man in my eyes. He is very much a spiritual mentor for me. I’ve always said that I would want my future husband to get the permission of both men before asking for my hand. I value Bro. Jesse that much.

My friend Jamie sang “My Redeemer Lives” by Nicole C. Mullens. It is Bro. Jesse’s favorite song. He was a wreck, in a good way, when he got up to preach.

Here comes the part of the story when you have to say, “Alright God, I get it, you were right, I’m right where I need to be.” The sermon was taken from Luke 10: 38-42

38 Now it happened as they went that He entered a certain village; and a certain woman named Martha welcomed Him into her house. 39 And she had a sister called Mary, who also sat at Jesus’[a] feet and heard His word. 40 But Martha was distracted with much serving, and she approached Him and said, “Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Therefore tell her to help me.” 41 And Jesus[b] answered and said to her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things. 42 But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her.”

This is one of my favorite passages of scripture. I have learned so much from this one passage about my own journey as a woman serving the Lord. One of the most recent discoveries for me was that Jesus was not angry or frustrated with Martha for being busy and worrying, something I had thought for most of my journey, but He was broken hearted for her. He loved Martha just as much as Mary. He desired to spent time with her, loving her, nourishing her soul. I can imagine Him cupping Martha’s face in His hands, as one does when gaining the attention of a child, and saying, “Martha (ever so softly), Martha (with tender tears of compassion behind his eyes), you are worried and troubled about many things. But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her.”

The focus of the sermon was the one phrase “But one thing is needed…”

Bro. Jesse shared how emotional and distraught he was about preparing a lesson before God gave this to him. He even decided to take a walk to talk more clearly to God. In the process he saw some buzzards flying overhead. As he reached his point of turning around and heading back to the house he saw a dead cow. As he was returning home he began to count the buzzards and ended up counting over 70. He asked God, “God where did all these buzzards come from.” God said, “Jesse these buzzards prey on the weak, sick, and the dead. They are just flying overhead to look for something to devour.”

So it is with Satan.

Bro. Jesse gave us a list of priorities for a Believer: 1. Jesus 2. Others 3. Me

How often I want to put myself first, and as a woman, put Christ last. Then, Bro. Jesse made a statement that sort of floored me…”It is more important what you do with Christ than what you do for Christ.”

Let me explain what he meant before people start getting their undies in a bunch. God has given us the business of being about others. We are light and salt. We are meant to serve self-sacrificingly for Him, but sometimes we “do for Christ” and Christ ain’t in that picture. I can’t tell you how many times Christ asked me to come sit at His feet, spend time with Him, and I’ve said, “Okay God, yeah, sure, I know, but see I have these things I need to get done for you first.” Very counter intuitive since the only way anything is to get accomplished is through Him first.

Here are the points of the lesson…
1. Martha invited Jesus into her house and then ignored Him (how many times have we done that.)
2. It wasn’t that Martha had too much to do; it was that she allowed the things of this world to distract her from God.
3. We can do nothing in the Power of Christ until we spend time with Him.
4. He desires nothing more for us to come and sit at His feet.

11 Let us therefore be diligent to enter that rest, lest anyone fall according to the same example of disobedience. 12 For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart. 13 And there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are naked and open to the eyes of Him to whom we must give account.- Hebrews 4:11-13

Here is the juggernaut of the entire lesson: Partial obedience IS disobedience!

Man oh man I needed my steel toed boots on this morning, he was stompin’ all over my feet.

I honestly have been thinking I’ve been doing pretty well. I’ve been living obedient enough. I’m a good girl. I always have been. But, “partial obedience is disobedience.”

The Word of God places us against a mirror as James says in James 1. We can say what amazing Christians we are, what we are doing, we can even have a feeling of self-worth, but Jesus says, “I know you, I know your heart, your being, who you really are.”

The Word of God is a Mirror (James 1), a discerner (Jeremiah), a pounding hammer (Jeremiah), Nourishment for our souls, a guiding light, has a cleansing effect (John 15), and a measuring tool. If we are never in this Word how can we gain the tools and wisdom needed to defeat the enemy?

I better quit ignoring Him and His presence. I better stay at His feet. I better be aware of the buzzards circling.

HE WILL MAKE ME A BOLD WARRIOR!!! Glory be to God!!!!!!!!!

8 Whenever I speak, I cry out
proclaiming violence and destruction.
So the word of the LORD has brought me
insult and reproach all day long.
9 But if I say, "I will not mention him
or speak any more in his name,"
his word is in my heart like a fire,
a fire shut up in my bones.
I am weary of holding it in;
indeed, I cannot.
Jeremiah 20: 8-9

25 Random Facts About Me...

2009-10-29T18:48:00.000-07:00

1. Is a sinner saved by grace. I realize this more and more every day of my life.
2. I love eating popcorn with ketchup. A lovely little thing my friend Mary K introduced me to.
3. Growing up I went to every Christian concert known to man. I had a wonderful outlet for worship. Now, I’m lucky to go to a good concert twice a year.
4. Little House on the Prairie is my all time favorite show. I wept like a baby when Melissa Gilbert wrote about seeing Michael Landon for the last time in her memoir.
5. Had the wonderful privilege of meeting Melissa Gilbert in 2004. It was a moment in my life I will never forget.
6. I do not like roller coasters and am not much of a thrill seeker. I wish I was.
7.Halloween is my all time favorite holiday. Everything about it suits me to a “T”.
8. I LOVE scary movies. I was watching them since I was a toddler. I know I know, not good parenting, but it didn’t mess me up too much. (However, I would never let my kids watch what I watched.)
9. My sisters are the most important people to me this side of Heaven.
10. I don’t like mayonnaise, but I do like chicken salad, potato salad, and egg salad. (go figure)
11. Just give me an accent…Irish, Australian, Scottish, Texan, etc…and I melt. Speak to me in another language and I’m in a puddle on the floor.
12. I love Native American culture…it stirs my soul deeply.
13. I’m a big ole’ Sci-Fi NERD!!!!
14. I think that Joss Whedon and M. Night are sheer cinematic geniuses.
15. My favorite desserts in the world are ice cream and donuts, not together, all though that probably wouldn’t be bad.
16. I grew up in Georgia…a true Southern Bell, Georgia Peach…
17. I love to read and write. (CS Lewis, AW Tozer, John Eldredge, Francine Rivers, anything
Sci-Fi or Mystery and I’m there…also love classic lit.)
18. I love to hike. Nature is truly a symphony orchestrated by God just for us.
19. Fall is the most wonderful time of the year.
20. I will start listening to Christmas music in August ;)
21. Would love to have 5 kids, but each year that passes becomes more realistic… (in an awesome and weird way I sort of do ;)
22. Give me chivalry any old day…what’s wrong with opening a door for a lady, a little romance never hurt anyone, and being polite doesn’t mean I think you want to date me!
23. Cannot abide snobbish people…I will write you as an ugly character in one of my books (MWWWHHAAAAA…my evil laugh it was)
24. Loves Cherry Coke and Diet Dr. Pepper, too bad she doesn’t drink Soda Pop anymore.
25. Can get completely slap happy and laugh for 30 minutes. I think I’m quite hilarious. (I could never imagine me drunk)

I did this 5 years ago and went back and re-read it. I was impressed at how many similar facts I have on here, but I have to say I enjoyed the way I wrote this one a lote better...enjoy...

btw I was not 27 when I ran into the back of that care, I believe I meant 21 :)

http://reflection24.blogspot.com/2005/04/30-ramdon-facts-about-me.html

I'm Sorry, but I dropped my Mustard Seed

2009-10-25T17:02:00.000-07:00

31He told them another parable: "The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his field. 32Though it is the smallest of all your seeds, yet when it grows, it is the largest of garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds of the air come and perch in its branches." – Matthew 13: 31-32

19Then the disciples came to Jesus in private and asked, "Why couldn't we drive it out?" 20He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."[a]- Matthew 17:19-21

I had dinner with my dear friend Krystal Saturday night. She is one of the most genuine honest souls I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. She has been a far dear friend to me than ever I have been to her, and that is a rare treasure for me. There is a great kinship between us. A trust that is so rare to find in most relationships. It comes from the great lack of BS that can often accompany a relationship. She is a treasure and I hold her as such.

We were sharing on a soul deep level. I love when I’m able to really do that with someone. It is a rarity. She was talking about finishing up Bible courses. The college she attends requires her to double major in whatever field of study she is going into and Bible. We got on the subject that you can believe how you wish as long as it aligns with the professors views. This led to an even deeper discussion on faith. She had been going through some difficult things and was often met with the old familiar adage of “pray harder” or “have faith”. Then she said, “You know that ‘mustard seed’ Melissa. I think I lost it.” I made a joke about it falling out while hiking -- what she was doing earlier in the day for school.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mustard_seed
Above is a link that gives a little more information on the actual mustard seed. After Krystal and I had our little chat I started to think about how difficult and detailed the process must be for a tiny, itty-bitty mustard seed to grow into a large mustard plant. The process of death for this little seed, if it could feel, must be excruciatingly painful. Yet, the result is a beautiful yielding product. So it is with our lives. This life is not only beautiful, exciting, and satisfying…all to often it can be painful, ugly, heartbreaking, and completely and totally unsatisfying.
I know some very well intentioned people who have said to me, “Melissa, just pray. Believe more. Try harder.” I know that these things are meant to comfort but I feel like saying, “Bite Me!” “I’m here lying on the floor with the deepest recesses of soul open, exposed, and bleeding out, and your talking about mustard seeds.” We, so often as Christians, believe that a life filled with prosperity and good things is a life that has found favor with God.

Job, Paul, the disciples, Jeremiah, Isaiah, Moses, Noah…all found favor with God and look what happened to them.

We often look at the homeless and say, “There but for the grace of God…” Well, what if the grace of God is the reason they are homeless. It might mean that their grace is a result of our graciousness or, dare I say it, we might learn a thing or two about grace from them.
We want to feel safe and secure. We all want a life that is virtually pain free. This, however, is rarely the case with things. When Christ talks about his yoke being easy and his burden light (Matthew 11:30) he never mentioned anything about an easy road of it. I mean look at those two words: 1. yoke 2. burden

Webster’s Definition of Yoke:
1a: a wooden bar or frame by which two draft animals (as oxen) are joined at the heads or necks for working together b : an arched device formerly laid on the neck of a defeated person

Webster’s Definition for Burden:
1 a : something that is carried : load b : duty, responsibility2 : something oppressive or worrisome3 a : the bearing of a load —usually used in the phrase beast of burden b : capacity for carrying cargo

Matthew 17: 19-21, where Jesus is telling the disciples that if they have faith of a mustard seed they can move mountains didn’t come out of thin air. Jesus didn’t just come up to them and say, “okay guys, you ready to see something awesome, try this…” Everything that Jesus taught the disciples had great meaning. He was the greatest teacher in the world.

Whose power were the disciples trying to drive the demons out with?

It looks like to me it was their own. Jesus wasn’t saying, “alright if you believe hard enough this mountain will move.” He was saying, “Your focus is all wrong. Your faith is in the wrong direction. If you place your faith in me, and guys it doesn’t have to be much, look what I’ll do through you. There will be nothing you cannot do.”

I love these well intentioned people who say, “pray harder, believe harder…good will come to you.” Well, what if it doesn’t? What then?

This is when you get the evil eye. This is when you are judged for not having enough faith. These are the people that will find it hard that Krystal and I were joking about losing our mustard seed…not our faith mind you, our mustard seed.

Let me be very clear, just because hard times come to you, just because you are faced with trouble and despair and you feel like all faith is lost, and all your prayers are falling on deaf ears. This does not mean that God does not love you any less. It does not mean that you are not under his blanket of grace and mercy or in His favor. It often means that Christ wants you…He wants all of you (He is a very jealous God), so He is doing what he does best, and that is a great deal of pruning.

My hope is that I will never look at someone else suffering and bleeding to feed my puffed up sense of self-worth to God…”at least I ain’t as bad as that guy.”

May I suggest that if someone ever says that they’ve lost their mustard seed that you go and help them find it. Then, help them plant and water it.

Faith is a process. Each time we believe a little more. The mustard seed soon grows into the mustard plant. We flourish under the touch of the tender Gardener. We truly do become unstoppable. However, it is a muscle we must flex. We cannot be afraid to walk out on the waves with Him…we have to be willing to let ourselves go.
_______________________________________________________

I will leave you with this. Change is painful but meaningful. I love CS Lewis. Particularly the Chronicles of Narnia. My favorite book in the series save the last one is “The Voyage of the Dawn Treader.” I unfortunately find a lot of myself in poor Eustace. Questioning everything not believing anything. Aslan comes to him when he is a dragon and tells him he can bathe in the beautiful pool, but he must undress first. Eustace goes through several layers of scales until finally Aslan steps in…

“Then the lion said—but I don’t know if it spoke—‘You will have to let me undress you.’ I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desperate now. So I just lay flat down on my back to let him do it.

“The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I’ve ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off. You know—if you’ve ever picked a scab of a sore place. It hurts like billy-oh but it is such fun to see it coming away…

“Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off—just as I thought I’d done it myself the other three times, only they hadn’t hurt—and there it was lying on the grass…Then he caught hold of me—I didn’t like that much for I was very tender underneath now that I’d no skin on—and threw me into the water. It smarted like anything but only for a moment. After that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found that all the pain had gone from my arm. And then I saw why. I’d turned into a boy again…

“After a bit the lion took me out and dressed me—“
(pgs. 109-110/Voyage of Dawn Treader/Lewis)

Change and faith are beautiful and painful. Sometimes it hurts to believe and to trust but oh is it worth it.

Contradictions!

2009-10-22T17:40:00.000-07:00

As I was cleaning out my Grandmother’s home (I’m pretty sure I’ll be ready for the yard sale in three weeks!!!) I came across this little card with these words typed upon it:

Politics without principle
Pleasure without conscience
Knowledge without effort
Wealth without work
Business without morality
Science without humanity
Worship without sacrifice

All of these struck me, especially the last one.

Since I am not a political person I’m going to skip the first one…

I. Pleasure without Conscience

11 Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun – Ecclesiastes 2:11

Is this not where we are. The world tells us to go after pleasure, what feels good. When did we as God’s people become so self-absorbed?

II. Knowledge Without Effort

9 Now, LORD God, let your promise to my father David be confirmed, for you have made me king over a people who are as numerous as the dust of the earth. 10 Give me wisdom and knowledge, that I may lead this people, for who is able to govern this great people of yours?"
11 God said to Solomon, "Since this is your heart's desire and you have not asked for wealth, riches or honor, nor for the death of your enemies, and since you have not asked for a long life but for wisdom and knowledge to govern my people over whom I have made you king, 12 therefore wisdom and knowledge will be given you. And I will also give you wealth, riches and honor, such as no king who was before you ever had and none after you will have." – 2 Chronicles 1:9-13

I sometimes think the Word of God is supposed to simply pop into my little head without any effort on my part. I don’t really desire to work hard at hiding His Word in my heart. I just wish for it to be there. I do not think to ask for wisdom or knowledge because I’m too lazy to put it to good use. What a careless generation we are?

III. Wealth without Work

9 They were all trying to frighten us, thinking, "Their hands will get too weak for the work, and it will not be completed." But I prayed, "Now strengthen my hands." – Nehemiah 6:9

Nehemiah is absolutely a story for another day. I love this book of the Bible. The man Nehemiah was blows me away. How he trusted and obeyed God with fervent devotion was breathtaking. I also love that when the going got tough he didn’t complain or grumble about the other people not pulling their weight or how afraid they were—no! When things got tough he prayed that God would strengthen his hands, help his weakness. Love it, learn from it daily.
Let’s skip to the last one shall we…

IV. Worship without Sacrifice

The air went out of my lungs with this one. Andrew Peterson talks about the word “Hosanna”. How it was both a praise and a prayer. They were praising God for who He was, but they were also asking Him to deliver them out of something. I have stood at many a concert with my hands held high singing glorious praises to God. I wonder, in those moments, how often I am missing the true art of worship. Worship is not just in hands lifted high, it is in every action I take. There is very little sacrifice where my worship is concerned. It is in a safe and controlled environment. It is a feel good experience. I wonder my reaction to living in a festering pit of filth and blackness, praying for a banana & receiving 99 (“Evidence Not Seen” by Darlene Deibler Rose). I wonder about the young girl who was sold into a brothel by her own family member and still chose to write scripture in the space she was forced to have sex –choosing to praise God, even believing God put her there for a reason (a story relayed by Sara Groves at her concert)…wonder what Worship with Sacrifice looks like…hmmmm…more pondering, much much more…

1Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual[a] act of worship. 2Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
3For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. – Romans 12:1-3

29 & Content!

2009-08-27T17:19:00.000-07:00

I know I know, I said that I would do my second half of San Diego, but I'm on my Dad's laptop downstairs and the San Diego piece is saved on my computer and not yet finished :)

29 and content. Today I turned 29 years old. How wonderful is that? I feel so much more like a woman. I'm excited about my 30s. I can live more content, more in my skin, less burdened by the frets that I carried from my teen years. It was like each year of my 20s I came more into myself. I began to discover more facets of myself that I really enjoyed. I delight in the thought of discovering more of God, loving harder, living richer, striving, bleeding, fighting...living that wonderful thing we call life abundant.

I do not fear the last year of my 20s. I don't feel like I'm giving up anything. Let those years die, let's bury them deep, let the maggots eat them way...fire burning them to ash. I want to learn from them, but I'm ready to embrace the next 10 years. I want to embrace my womanhood. I want to run with my head held high.

Find love, get married, have children, write, love Jesus, allow Jesus to love me...these are the goals for the next 10 years. However, if God wants, let those burn too, let Him consume until all that remains is Himself.

I want to worry less, fear less, risk more, and live...life abundant. Content but not complacent.

Lord move in me until all the wick and wax is truly gone. Burn me to the ground, let there me nothing less. I do not ask for fame or even a legacy, I simply ask, at the end of all this blood sweat and tears, that you will remember me. Lord, please remember me.

Here is a post I posted 5 year ago. I have to say, I miss this passion, I read several posts and I felt sort of heart sick... "Less Talk, More Walk!" & a link to Hosea 2, one of my fav passages of scripture!

Pen to Parchment!

2009-08-24T15:37:00.000-07:00

My hands are trembling/tingling as I begin to write this. It has been too long since I’ve poured out my thoughts into a blog. I was talking with someone the other day about what I was planning to do with the rest of my life, and I said, “I think God wants me to write fiction for a living.” I started to think about that in great depths and realized that I haven’t written anything in months. The last thing I wrote was forced. I was attempting to be obedient to the Lord and submit a work of fiction to a writing contest, which I did. (I have gotten the results of that contest by the way, and I did not win. There is a link to that story at the bottom of this post.) It was such a strained and unpleasant experience, and that saddens me. I used to LOVE to write. The thoughts could not come fast enough. I would blog every single day about God, life, love, friends, etc… I also delighted in writing fiction.

My most joyful experience was re-writing one of my Christmas stories a few years ago “An Angel for Christmas”. It was actually the first Christmas story I ever gave to anyone else way back in 9th Grade. It became a 10 chapter short story. There was nothing like that experience, EVER. It was the most profound thing I have done to date. I miss that journey where words flow easily. Where thoughts come so fast that you are not sure you are going to get them down. I’m struggling even as I write this.

I have been very depressed/discontent lately. I combine those words because I’m not sure depressed is the right word, life has been really good. I’m also not sure that discontent is the right word. I have had longing and apathy as bed fellows for far too long. I think it is time to get back on the wagon. The best way to overcome writer’s block is to just do it. I haven’t made time for this. I haven’t made time for myself, for God, for this journey. I’m so excited about what God is going to do. Yet, I keep trying to figure it out, even guide Him. Maybe, if I sit back and do what I’m supposed to be doing, like write every single day and spend time alone quietly reflectively resting in Him, then maybe, just maybe I can let loose all these things that are binding my hands and allow His perfect definable will come to fruition in my life.

Those that know me best know what passion writing is for me. For a long while I would never admit to myself that it could be something I could do for a living. I’m still scared, so scared of rejection. I also know that so many of you have encouraged me in this, pushed me to consider this as a path that God may want me on. I’m just amazed that I’m actually getting a blog in. That I actually sat down and started typing. It is extremely cathartic for me. It is healing and restorative. I love to challenge myself and others with what I write.

I will make a promise to myself and you guys that I will strive to write more, even if no one ever reads it but me. Now is the time, now is the journey.

I love you all.

Melissa

PS…the second half of my trip will come next!

Here is link to my story = "Princess Ann: an unlikely fairytale", it got all smooshed in copying and I was just too lazy to fix it, so if you are having trouble reading it and want to read it send me a message at handofprovidence@hotmail.com or my gmail account and I'll send you a copy. It just happend to be my 100th post on my Writer's Corner :) That makes me happy!!! It was true obedience to God!

The Trip...the Journey of a Lifetime (Pt. 1)

2009-07-14T18:57:00.001-07:00

I thoroughly enjoyed the time away from the computer, more than I thought I would. It was refreshing getting my beautiful leather bound journal and etching thoughts on paper with pen. It was challenging and peaceful to pace my thoughts to keep up with the slower pace of pen in hand. It was refreshing to say exactly what I wanted instead of editing my thoughts on blog. So, here are some highlights…

6/22/09 Well I Didn’t Die

God is trying to teach me something great at the very start. I rarely get freaked out in storms while driving, but when I turned the corner and met a wall of angry black staring me down I felt sick. The wind was whipping the leaves in a deadly dance. Then the rain, the hellish, God awful rain that hit…I stared death in the face. I also saw the hand of God in an awesome lightning display. It really shook me. Here we go road trip. Here we go life!

6/23/09 It Only Took us 15 hrs

Memphis, TN (Michelle’s old home and much beloved city!!!) was our first stop. We stopped at a famous café, the Arcade, for amazingly good food and great service. It was most fitting to begin this journey in the place Michelle first called home as we traveled to her new home in San Diego!!!! The trip got a little waylaid with our GPS trying to take us to Tulsa instead of OK City & some upset stomachs and frequent potty breaks, but we finally weathered the long journey and arrived in Oklahoma City @ night. We thought we would never see our beautiful Best Western, but we did, we did, and it was a beautiful thing! Meredith took a picture of Michelle’s trunk, it was truly an amazing site to see, full to the brim with personal items that Michelle needed…Finally, we are snug in for the night. My sisters are getting PJs on, while I’m sipping on some water (feeling sick) and of course journaling. The coolest thing we saw was a crop plane circling over Arkansas. It made a pass right in front of our car, the tip of its bright yellow wing almost brushing the windshield it was so close. He wiggled his wings, laughing at our delight as he rolled and tumbled over the next field.

6/24/09 I’m Living in Albuquerque, NM

It has been decided. The bags are packed. It is too bloomin’ beautiful here. We started off a little grouchy and I was scared a killin’ was a comin’, but praise be to the Lord it worked itself out. Our first stop was the OK City Memorial. It is truly breathtaking and very well done. We would have loved to have gone through the museum, but there was no time.

The white windmills against the OK landscape was awe inspiring and breathtaking! The large god like structures slashing the thick air with their giant propellers was something I had never seen before in person. I was like a child. Then Texas! While we didn’t travel in the most beautiful part of the state I was overwhelmed by the vast sky. I was itching for nighttime to see the expanse and beauty of the brilliant stars…everything is truly bigger in Texas, alas we didn’t get to see them, SNIFF!

Then, oh then, the most amazing thing happened…as we neared New Mexico the landscape began to change. Mounds began to prop up their strong flat shoulders. Small shrubs began to dot the landscape, quickly changing the scenery before our eyes. I truly will never be able to describe this the way I want to. Beautiful is not adequate enough… Gorgeous is not adequate enough… as we cut our way through God’s handiwork we quickly realized He was just showing off. As we neared Albuquerque a great mountain range began to crop up and the next thing we know we are in the midst of these gentle guardians. I was in HEAVEN!!! Kill me now because there is no need to go any further…Albuquerque looks GREAT!

6/25/09 A Bit of Old Town

Tomorrow we head for our destination…San Diego!!! I’m not sure we can do it, but we have too. I’m praying for my sister. That she will have continued peace, take her time with things, and find a safe and intimate space with the Lord!!! We had a great day here. We woke up at 9am. I went to breakfast in my PJs J! Of course there were gorgeous ROCKER boys downstairs & of course I acted like a fool!!! Ate breakfast in our room and got ready leisurely. Got to travel downtown, which I loved! I got a cool T-shirt and some postcards. Everyone here is exceedingly nice. You know how in the south you ask someone how are you? Where are you from? Well, here they really want to know something about you? Like, what is Michelle going to do in San Diego? We met the coolest most interesting people in NM, and they shared so much of themselves so freely! Did I mention I loved this place? Old Town is the local tourist area. Tones of shops and local flare. I got to see a Native dancer…I of course got all emotional over it, was glad my sisters left me to myself during it. I have no idea what God wants to do with the passion I have for the American Indians.

My complete most favorite thing that we did while in Albuquerque was to go to the Standard Diner. My sisters and I love the show “Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives” & this was a place that Guy had stopped at. Ultra chic, ultra cool, w/ AMAZING FOOD!!! Amazing service too. There was a GORGEOUS waiter w/ rich side burns and thick rimmed glasses. I just enjoyed the view!!! I love guys that are different and unique in their looks. He was exquisite. They could have put him up on the wall with all their other art and allowed us to feast on the beauty of God’s creation. Ok, ok, now I’m getting side tracked.
We headed back to the hotel and saw the beginnings of a rainbow. By the time we got back to the hotel it was a full blown arch with a second shadowed rainbow above. My sister Meredith and I felt like people should stop and behold the beauty of God’s handiwork.

Now I’m getting ready for bed. WE are up at 5am in the morning to eat and get ready to move on. I’m a little nervous about San Diego. I’m hoping I’m proved wrong. I’m hoping God grants us and extra measure of grace. I hope it is life changing – in a great way! I hope Michelle has the time of her LIFE! I hope everything goes beautifully for me and Meredith on our plane ride home. Goodbye Albuquerque (tears coming down my face)! Good night world!

To be continued…

The Etching of a Friend!

2009-03-08T12:23:00.000-07:00

There are individuals in this world that get me, I mean really get me. When I ramble or complain or say nothing, they understand! When I’m around these individuals we tend to skip the surface of pleasantries and instantly go deep to the root. It’s rich, powerful, almost too much. This is a vulnerable place to be, having someone know you that deeply, but what a rich and intoxicating thing to have. To be wanted and valued…that your pains, hurts, joys, laughter, tears are all important. In the conversations you share you are changing the world because changes take place within you and the person you are with. My fear sometimes gets the better of me and I miss out on these precious moments.

It doesn’t take very long to etch out what true friendship is. It’s saying you are the most important thing to me right now, I’m making a Heaven memory right this moment with you. There is a choice to laugh, cry, curse, praise, to get to those hard to reach and painful layers, those soul moments where all is exposed, on the table, nothing hidden. This is a space where you are completely safe to be you, the most beautiful painting on the wall!

We all need to be needed. I have a friend who, when I call her or email her and ask her if she would like to do something, even though she if very busy, is always willing, excited even. I’m a value to her. She is a soul sister.

I have a friend who calls me up just to see how my day went or to find out if I’m alright. She loves me just for me. I can be myself around her. I can be a little obsessed or gush over a cute boy and we can laugh together. I can share my frustrations and she will feel my pain and defend me. I am loved by her.

I love to be pursued. Our hearts are made for that. God pursues us, woos us to a deep relationship with Him. I had a friend pursue me this last week. It is a rare thing indeed when this happens! (I wonder if I ever come off as unapproachable, I pray I never do!) She is a soul sister who loves me. She initiated and kept it up…wow! Three hours with her was like manna from Heaven, something you cannot store up, but something that tastes like nothing you have tasted, a completely satisfying meal.

True intimacy is a fruit producing time. This is something we need. I truly do not have the words to express what it feels like to be loved this way. It is such a calming and restorative thing…a great mystery. Luscious rain on parched ground…I’m richly nourished!

The etching of a friend is this…to be truly loved and wanted just for who you are!

I’m inspired by the Lyrics of Sara Groves song,”Every Minute”:

I am long on staying

I am slow to leave

Especially when it comes to you my friend

You have taught me slow down

And to prop up my feet

It's the fine art of being who I am

And I can't figure out

Why you want me around

I'm not the smartest person I have ever met

But somehow that doesn't matter

No it never really mattered to you at all

And at the risk of wearing out my welcome

At the risk of self-discovery

I'll take every moment

And every minute that you'll give me

And I can think of time when families all lived together

Four generations in one house

And the table was full of good food

And friends and neighbors

That's not how we like it now

Cause if you sit at home you're a loser

Couldn't you find anything better to do

Well no I couldn't think of one thing

I would rather waste my time on than sitting here with you

And at the risk of wearing out my welcome

At the risk of self-discovery

I'll take every moment

And every minute that you'll give me

And I wish all the people I love the most

Could gather in one place

And know each other and love each other well

And I wish we could all go camping

And lay beneath the stars

And have nothing to do and stories to tell

We'd sit around the campfire

And we'd make each other laugh remembering when

You're the first one I'm inviting

Always know that you're my friend

And at the risk of wearing out my welcome

At the risk of self-discovery

I'll take every moment And every minute that you'll give me

Every moment and every minute that you'll give me

Every minute

An Artist's Blog...Delicious

2009-03-08T12:16:00.000-07:00

FYI…Delicious is on of my most favorite descriptive words at the moment. So simple, yet really packs a punch.

I love to read a certain artist’s blog because, well, he is just too smart for his own good and I LOVE IT! Intelligence is a huge turn on for me and he has it in great abundance. I actually had to quell my heart quivers and face blushes for a time by not reading his blog J…more importantly he always compels me to write, big fat rich ideas flood to the surface and I grab my worn edged journal and begin quickly transcribing my flying thoughts on paper (at this appointed time in green ink.)

In no way do I want to transfer his thoughts into my blog, nor do I believe I can interpret them, but I would like to share some of the ideas he gave (to the best of my meager ability) and expound on my own. This is my blog! (Mwhahahahaahaahaa…haa! – maniacal laughing is long and gives you hand cramps!)

First, I enjoyed his thoughts very much. He is very prolific and I envision him being much like myself, not able to expel his thoughts as quickly as he can think them.

He made some very interesting points about love, we should be it! (He was determined to do it, no more excuses!) In love with nature, he talked about planting a seed and impacting the physical/ natural world with our deed long after we were gone. He relishes in the beauty of nature, finding solace and comfort in the spiritual. He explained that on a fateful New Year’s Eve he went to spend some time with nature and himself. He was searching for a sign to know he was on the right path and was granted a shooting star. He talked about a breathtaking moon being the reflecting/ refracting light off ice crystal’s in the upper atmosphere.

He shared his feelings on humanity and how he felt we were all interlinked. We didn’t cause our heart to beat or a child to be formed or shaped. All of us are deeply connected, sharing in each others pains, struggles, joys, peace. What we do effects others both positively and negatively…what we do matters.

My mind was both racing and jumbled. We come at this thing differently he and I. A spiritual man and a Christian woman…where he sees refracting light off ice crystals, I see God’s masterpiece taking shape (for He placed the ice crystal’s there, causing them to reflect the light!)

We absolutely should be love, share love, explore love, expound on love…I serve the Author of LOVE, God Almighty! The very definition of the art of love…He is the manifestation of all that action entails and so much more. It is neither binding nor restrictive and does not come in a religious formula but in its truest form, just lived out, is both intoxicating and settling.

Planting a seed…what we all can do. God called us to be the watch care of the Earth. We can also plant soul seeds, nourishing and preserving another’s life with hope and grace while deepening and strengthening our roots in His soil!

A shooting star…God showing off and giving a young man great hope for the coming year. God is the ultimate artist and the most incredible naturalist…He loves infusing His breath into every atom and particle…nature displays His glory no matter how we look at it!

Truth is we don’t cause our heart to beat, or create life, or fill our lungs with air. It is all a great big beautiful gift! God is an abundant giver.

He is not close-minded or cold-hearted! His path, while it may be hard to find, is open and winding and a great and wondrous mystery. A mystery that is beautiful and scary and delicious and full and rich and overpowering…and completely worth it!

I’m so thankful for this artist. I sent him a little thank you and hopefully a little encouragement. Love is a great thing to share; I’m not holding back, no more excuses!

1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
-1 Corinthians 13

The Art of Healing

2009-02-25T19:06:00.001-08:00

It is a funny, full, complicated thing, LIFE! You think it will turn out completely different, and even now, as my life has so regularly been turned on its axis, I’m still deeply surprised that it still surprises me. I make plans, somewhat futilely, possibly out of desperation or boredom, only to have them washed away with gale force. This sudden turn of events always leaves me scratching my head a bit.

When I left my job in December I felt so completely dead and dull that I was certain that the anesthetic would never wear off and I would be stuck this way forever, a sort of mechanical vegetable. I was resigned to the fact and sort of relieved. As the months passed the long thaw began to happen, LIFE took hold, and a deep surprise entered the room unbidden, but most richly welcome…HOPE! Hope is a beautiful thing that often sneaks up on you. There are times when it is physical, you can literally know when it is upon you, but more readily it comes quietly and you have often lived with it for several days before you realize it is even there. This is what happened for me, the healing of soul and spirit!

Then something else came upon me, that which is the opposite of hope, just as surprising, and just as rich…FEAR! It crept up, swelling and spilling over, drowning hope in its wake (or so it seemed). It’s common knowledge that HOPE FLOATS, or had you forgotten that part. It rises above the fear and settles eternal in you (in me).

As always with hope a sort of euphoria comes over you and you forget the power of suffering. You don’t hope or pray for pain or fear, but it always rises up, feeling harsh and jagged. It’s in these moments you realize you would never depend on Him if you weren’t going through it! It refines you, settles you more closely to Him, and makes you realize how dependent you are of Him.

After quitting, and hope, and the journey of unending possibilities my blood pressure shot up again. It was like a sucker punch in the gut. I wrestled with it and the feelings it brought. This morning I was walking and questioning God about it. He said, “Melissa, would you have spent as much time in prayer with me if you didn’t have this influx (God often uses the word influx in case you didn’t know) in blood pressure.” Immediately, with tears in my eyes, I said, “NO!” You see I’ve been pleading, praying the “Armor of God” on, seeking Him. The nervousness, the headaches, lack of sleep, light headedness…in suffering we settle in Him!

So, in conclusion, I’m praying for healing in every aspect of my being. It is a beautifully messy art form. I know the work He has begun will be complete and it will be good indeed!

What a wonderful thing, this thing we call LIFE!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2009-01-31T15:05:00.000-08:00

“Jesus is extending his hand to you. He is inviting you to dance with him. He asks, “May I have this dance…every day of your life?” His gaze is fixed on you. He is captivated by your beauty. He is standing. He will lead. He waits for your response.” – Captivating, p. 218, John & Stasi Eldredge.

I have read this last paragraph of the last page of this book numerous times. It resides in me like a dull gong. It penetrates through the haze and says there is something more. That the very Lord of all creation would stand before me each day and ask me the simple question, “Do you want to dance?” is almost more than I can bear. How many times have I turned him away?

“His gaze is fixed on you.” I shudder to think what He sees.

“He is captivated by your beauty.” I find that very hard to believe, and then I feel bad that I’ve just cut down His creation.

“He is standing.” He comes and stands before me, He is always near.

“He will lead.” I find this most comforting to me, however, I so often fight to lead, stumbling & bumbling about. It really is a poor site.

“He waits for your response.” My response so often is no thank you!

When I first left Barnes and Noble many years ago I was ready to go conquer the world. To capture all this life had to offer…on my terms. God taught me many great truths during that time, and I haven’t walked closer with Him. It was a beautiful, painful, delicious, heartbreaking time…I felt as if I had caught a glimpse of Eden and walked with the Lord in the cool of the day. The journey continued to be life giving as I began to relinquish things to His hands and took on a new adventure of caring for children. I was alive as I had not been before. All the pieces felt right and I knew I would never come back down.

Slowly over the last several years the old tarnish and muck has encased me, entombed me. The things I’d cast away I’ve revisited, in different ways. I’m being swallowed. These last 6 months in particular have been hellish. I’ve learned a lot, of what it really means to follow Christ, the cost, the journey into His will, and not my own. His plan really is best, He does seek to give us joy abundantly, but He calls us to live His life and die to our own. This part is hard for a prideful self-righteous sinner such as myself.

When I quit my job I thought God would move and my heart would be changed. This journey is drastically different. I have been mucking about, not really caring, apathetic. I wanted to write about how great this New Year has been, what hope I have for the future, what a positive, glorious life is ahead. I don’t feel it. It’s even hard to believe it. My dear and amazing friend Kym has given me a lot of strength and encouragement. We both are going through very similar situations and we have each others backs. Even as I write this I fear pity or the need for someone to say just get over it, but I have these friends like Kym, who say, “Melissa, life is hard, God never promised us an easy lot, we strive to trust Him, we know that He is teaching us, He is God, He is moving even when we feel dead, but we are human, in our flesh His things just don’t make sense to us.”

I’m 28 years old and still waiting, waiting for what I think will kick start my life. My amazing friend Krystal and I had lunch this past Saturday. Her life is hectic, overwhelming, and fully rich. She knows God is working for her because the things that are happening wouldn’t have been her choice. She feels she has walked past her existing and into her life. She feels alive, she’s drained, and scared and nervous, but she feels alive…alive in Him. He is profoundly seeking her and she is running towards Him. After our conversation I was ready to run and greet my life, run and greet Him, let the chips fall, let it begin, surprise me, move me, make me His.

As I type this a surge of passion courses through my veins. This is a great need as well, to pour out my wealth of life upon the page. I need it, it feeds my soul to let it run free on paper (or computer as it will), whether that be in fiction or blogging or journaling. This is something I need to keep my soul alive. I starved my soul far to long. I can’t put the pieces together…I’ve tried. I’ve tried to make things work in my way. I wish to step back, I wish to give this to Him, and watch what He does with it. I’m completely and totally confident that if I do this in the next few months I will be writing a completely different blog.

So, my journey for this New Year is simply this, to draw closer to the very heart of Him. He has given me this glorious time to do just that, draw close. I haven’t been, it hurts me, and it hurts Him, yet each morning, each afternoon, each evening, each waking moment He stands and waits for me to dance. I desire it…it is what I want more than anything!

This year truly is the year of my life, full of promise, potential and hope! It is a year of reflection and trust, to know that He has my best at heart, that this life is so fleeting and short and purposeful that we shouldn’t waste one tiny second of it.

I had started this day in such a complete loser way. My dear friend Kym had invited me to lunch and I had declined. As the snow and ice entombs our world here in Kentucky so the grey funk of my life was entombing me. So, I vegged. It is easier to check out than be present. Yet, even in that the Lord blessed…Kym and I had a life giving conversation for the both of us and I was reminded that I am deeply and completely loved just for me. It felt good to be pursued and cared for.

The second part of the day my family and I went driving around to see the power of God. It was terrifyingly beautiful. The first sunny day we have experienced in quite awhile bloomed the white landscape into a shimmering fairytale land. It was the most beautiful representation of God’s awesomeness (like that word!). I came alive. I found myself wanting to get out and help pick up broken limbs and have a little adventure of my own. You know what I did. My car was stuck in the ice and, if you can picture it, here is me, my mom, and my sister pushing the back of my car while my Dad gunned it out of the rut. It was fun, it was dirty, it was an adventure. Now, to my Mom and sister it was a chore, it was something they did not look forward to. How often I look at life just that way. I don’t look forward to things that I do, instead of looking at them as a tantalizing adventure. We so often excuse those mundane chores that don’t suit us as boring or a burden, instead of using every spare moment of life and realizing what a gift it is. I’m nervous about singing tomorrow at church (something that never gets easy), been thinking how I could get out of it. I’m hoping, however, when tomorrow comes I can look at it as I did getting my car out of the rut, a beautiful, amazing adventure.

I’m not to good at asking for help. I don’t like to put my friends out. I like to help them when and where I can, but I feel uncomfortable asking for favors, but I am going to ask you beautiful people to pray for me as I do for you. I pray edifying prayers to lift you up and out and onward. I pray you do the same for me. God is moving in mighty ways, in small ways, out of the ashes is His favorite. Let’s all go on adventure, whether it is taking the dog outside or de-icing your carport pray for Him to reveal amazing mysteries of life, let the adventure begin, let Him work in and out and all through you…

Excerpt from a previous blog and story collection…

I envision myself standing in a room; wood floor tarnished and dug in from many romping nights of music, laughter and fellowship. I can see the moons hallowed glow, and the twinkling stars through the open door in the back. The light from lanterns hung on white washed beams cast an inviting glow to travelers along the weary road. I’m dressed in a 19th century dress, soft purple with little white daisies bubbling about. My curls are braided with a sprig of lavender placed in the back; ringlets encircle my face, green eyes nearly keeping up with the stars. My weathered and worn lace up black boots adorn my feet, which are raised on tiptoes, rocking back and forth, while my arms lace around my back. My fingers are fidgeting with a handmade handkerchief embroidered in yellow roses. I’m humming…”Jesus paid it all, all to him I owe, sin had left a crimson stain, he washed me white as snow.” I hear the laughter of those around me. Some are enjoying refreshment, while others are chatting in comfortable groups. Time progresses and more travelers arrive, friendly smiles, and warm greetings are passed among hand shakes and giggles. The band tunes up and begins to play…soft and low at first, and then raising to their peak a rowdy sort of number that makes certain young folk dance upon the air. All the while I’m observing, keeping rhythm with my toe. He walks in casting a shimmer of a smile my way. My heart will surely explode before He makes His pardons to grasp my hand. Fear rises up in me and I shut my eyes and swallow hard. He touches my face gently sending warmth and peace. He takes my hand and pulls me confidently to the dance floor. The air smells of lavender and my feet touch air. I feel young and free, eight years old again in an open field being swung around by my Father, feet touching heavenward.

Shall I dance? My feet have to move first…I MUST take His hand. I can no longer look to the side or the back of me, or be concerned of the ought of the matter. I must do what I must. I must be reckless. I must let my heart take wing and soar by His side. Life is truly a dance or a play however you choose to look at it. It can be a tragedy, comedy, drama, or documentary. However, the only partner worth having, the only dance worth dancing, is with Him close by my side. I choose to hear His music in the night.

3 The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying:
"I have loved you with an everlasting love;

I have drawn you with loving-kindness.
4 I will build you up again

and you will be rebuilt, O Virgin Israel.

Again you will take up your tambourines

and go out to dance with the joyful…

…13 Then maidens will dance and be glad,

young men and old as well.

I will turn their mourning into gladness;

I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.
Jeremiah 31: 3-4; 13

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!

International Justice Mission

2008-11-30T14:42:00.001-08:00

The hope and purpose of Christmas is the best gift we could ask for...Jesus! This season I'm compelled to share with you an organization that is passionate about doing what Jesus did & what we as Christians are called to do...set the captives free. IJM (Internatinal Justice Mission) is an organization that is close to me and my sisters hearts...enjoy the videos, and if you are compelled to learn more or take action in helping their cause check out their website www.ijm.org

To see videos please visit my "myspace" http://www.myspace.com/reflection24

or go to YouTube and keyword: International Justice Mission

May God bless you this holiday season!

A Beautiful Work...

2008-11-15T11:52:00.001-08:00

I have to say that it has been far too long since I have done writing of any kind. I’m uncertain if it has been out of fear of letting my mind go freely or just the weariness that has been shut up in my bones. Writing is like oxygen for me; if I’m deprived of it too long I grow unhealthy and a part of me dies. That is very much what I’ve been feeling like lately, that parts of me are dying. The good parts, the bad parts, hopefully more bad than good. I’m not saying that God has not been faithful, I’m just saying I haven’t always been faithful to Him. He is teaching me so many rich and wonderful things, but I’ve also found myself sticking my fingers in my ears and singing to keep from hearing. I think I envisioned my life far different at the age of 28 than it is now.

I feel stifled, not able to move or breathe. I’m sort of stuck in a rut and I don’t really want to be. I would be content if I felt like living at home, striving to make a basic living, and going through my day to day routine was God’s will. Maybe it is. I need to learn to grow where I’m planted I guess. This restlessness has always been a part of me from a very early age. I feel trapped, bruised, hurt, and frustrated. I want the best God has to offer, but I want to go about getting it myself. I’m striving to hard to seek the things I don’t have that will make me happy, instead of relishing on the rich gifts I do have.

I have, truly, the most amazing friends. During this difficult and hard time of my life with a particular situation having amazing friends has meant so much to me. My best friend J has been a rock for me, a true support system. She has even got her husband in on it. It has been a blessing to know they have my back. My friend K at work has also been a rock for which I’m eternally grateful, since we are going through the storm together.

I also will be making a decision in the next several weeks that scares me to the core. I’m comfortable, and to be made uncomfortable pulls at all the wrong spaces. I felt God leading me to go down to speak to my Pastor on this topic last Sunday and I chickened out. I felt sick, and a rough week has been a result of it. I feel that this decision is for the best, but I do not want it to be my will, but His.

Speaking of my Pastor, I have to say that I’m blessed beyond measure to have the most amazing, supportive church family in the whole entire world. I LOVE these people and I know they love me. They have given me strength to endure character slander and plain out meanness in the last few months. They have reminded me of whom I belong to and that I am LOVED! I have also had perfect strangers give me so much support. It is a beautiful thing.

My sisters, gracious gravy, they are probably the one thing that keeps me sane. I see their struggles, and I mean some of them are down right scary, and I see how they handle them, and of course I cover them with prayer, but it astounds me the support we give each other. I love them so much.

I had no idea what I would be writing, so please forgive the random thoughts. It just feels good and right to write again. I’ve missed it A LOT!

I’m also thankful for all of you…I’m blessed beyond measure every day. I don’t deserve what I have, but boy oh boy am I thankful for it.

I guess all I need right now is some good old fashioned PRAYER! I will fill you in once the decision has been made and the other individuals know. I made the mistake once of posting something I shouldn’t have before I spoke to the right individuals and, well it just wasn’t cool of me. I’m a beautiful work in progress, and I’m learning from my mistakes.

Love to you all…writing more soon…hopefully…promise?

9 The LORD has heard my cry for mercy;

the LORD accepts my prayer. – Psalm 6:9

14 Wait for the LORD;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the LORD. – Psalm 27:14

I LOVE my friend Erin!

2008-09-23T18:41:00.000-07:00

So, a small package came in the mail for me today. I was first afraid that someone was trying to sell me something, but with nervous anticipation I opened the package and this is what I saw (I don't think I have been so suprised, except maybe my high school graduation suprise party)...

I SCREAMED! I couldn't believe she had done this. This was something we used to say when things were just stressful. I can't remember, we went to college together, if it was around midterms, finals, what...but this phrase was birthed. You could often just ask how the other was and know if they said it! It was WONDERFUL! I LOVE this shirt. I am going to wear it as often as possible. If I could wear it to work, oh how fitting it would be to, it would just be splendid.

My sister said that I had wonderful friends and you know, I do. It isn't anything I've done, but it is by the grace of God that He has provided me such wonderful amazing people in my life.

Erin, I have no idea how I'll top this with you my dear, but know this meant more to me than you will ever know, and brought up so many memories. It is truly the best belated b-day gift...EVER! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Always remember...Breathe. Puppies, unicorns, flowers, rainbows and chocolate. Lots of chocolate.

I'm Still Here...

2008-06-28T16:58:00.000-07:00

There is a great fear residing in my heart…what if God doesn’t show up when I seek Him! I’ve put Him through it…why does He still seek me and love me? His ways are TRULY not mine. I have to quit rationalizing Him in my finite mind when He is so infinite.

This VBS was probably one of the most AMAZING I’ve ever had. First, the material was sound and the backdrop was a Hawaiian theme, which I LOVED.

We learned that God was real and there was no other God, Jesus is God’s Son, Jesus is the ONLY way to Heaven, the Bible is God’s Word, and our actions reflect what we believe. I had first and second graders. They were a treasure and taught me so much.

In my fear I’ve been procrastinating in my journey forward. There have been enough signals in my life that have shown I need to start taking that next step, but I feel like I’m hanging on a precipice. I’m terrified…which leads to old thoughts…which leads to sin. It’s easier said than done to take the plunge. My sister gave me this awesome quote by Oswald Chambers:

“It is not only wrong to worry, it is infidelity, because worrying means that we do not think God can look after the practical details of our lives, and it is never anything else that worries us.”

It cut like a hot knife on butter to the very core of me. I’m terrified to see what God is going to do, I’m also afraid of jumping and finding Him not there. I’m afraid to try because of failure. I also know that if I don’t take the plunge I will surely die. I will not make it in the stifling situation. I can give others such good direction, good courses of actions, what God would have them to do. I do not understand why I cannot take my own advice.

The most beautiful thing happened the other day. I needed to go for a walk because last week, with VBS, I had no time to do so. So, I did. We had been having some bad weather and it was even thundering, but I plunged ahead. I had made it half way, and I was listening to my MP3 player and talking to God and as I turn the corner I’m staring the darkest cloud I’ve seen in a long while dead in the face. I’m suddenly faced with the reality of the terrible wonder of God. While it was breathtaking and all inspiring, it was also very scary to realize that I was all alone and was literally walking in the direction of what could have possibly been a very ugly storm. The sun had been playing in-between the clouds, and I had been praising God for that. I expressed my fear to God, and then said, “Lord I’d just rather bask in your sunshine. In that moment the sun came out strong, and by the time I got up the hill the dark cloud had moved beyond me and the sun stayed shining brightly on me all the way home. It was the most beautiful gesture, and I realized that in the face of the storm He is there.

Before VBS I was having a very rough time and I went outside to spend some time with the Lord. I was praying and seeking, and striving. I grew quiet before the Lord and began to pray to hear from Him. All though I did not hear direction a beautiful breeze blew up and I caught the most amazing sent of the roses and other flowers in my Mom’s rose garden. It was absolutely God. The wind hadn’t been blowing like that before that moment, and I hadn’t even noticed the smell of flowers.

The Lord has definitely been making Himself known, if only I can trust in those things…

Lord,

Let my desires whither and fall, so that I might bloom more richly in the glow of your sunlight. Teach me to be humble and always fragrant before you. Keep me away from temptation and in the midst of it to stand firm. I do not want to leave a legacy of doubt and fear in my wake. I want to leave Your undeniable sent on everything I touch. May you consume me, may you rain down upon me, may you force me to move to greener pastures. I’m ready for the next step, help me to take it, and help my hurt, anger, and unbelief. Let it not be about me, but you. I LOVE YOU!

Yours,
Melissa

Psalm 25

Crap...Snot...

2008-04-06T19:09:00.000-07:00

No, not actual crap or snot…I’m not that gross. These are the adjectives that I use when I’m frustrated about having to do something that I know I have to do and just don’t want to do it. Back in February I signed back up to Netflix. When I worked at B&N I had had this WONDERFUL service for over a year and when I began making less and less money I soon had to drop it always intending to go back. Now, you know how much I love movies and always will I guess. However, I saw myself getting back into my old patterns of life. My old thought processes, my old escapes, my old desires, and I was rebelling against God. Oh, I was going through the motions…tithing, church, service, work. All in all on the outside I looked like a good little church going Christian. On the inside however I was crumbling. When I signed up for Netflix I had this strong feeling that God didn’t want me too, but I brushed it off and thrilled myself at the thought of this new venture. Ever since I have not had a peace about it, all the while pushing it to the back of my mind, wanting to serve and not.

A few weeks ago my Pastor gave an amazing sermon and I prayed, “Lord, I remember how painful the pruning process was, but I also remember what an amazing journey it was, let’s wrestle.” Now, my Pastor made the statement that we often talk ourselves through or into something and feel ok with it, the only problem is that God never agreed to it to begin with. Guess what the first thing that popped up after I prayed that prayer…yep, you got it…Netflix. Now, you might be saying how silly, what could Netflix hurt. I would say that I would have to agree with you and I still find it a lovely institution, but I also had to ask myself, if it was such a little thing why did I have the hardest time giving it up. I just brushed it off, prayed it through, and hoped that God would give up the notion. It has been an oppressive dark cloud over me ever since. My, such a little thing can become such a big pain.

This morning my Pastor preached this amazing sermon out of Isaiah 1. It was painful and brilliant. He discussed how we are doing our best and God is not impressed. It is about the Sovereignty and glory of God. We go through the motions with no worship, praise, or thought of God in our hearts, our half eaten, used up offerings we bare before His throne week after week, and we bleed and plead for Him to make everything right in our lives. I had felt that I had made church about the people and began to realize that I needed to come to encounter God, so I began to pray that I would just come to encounter Him that I would come for no one else.

God is keeping me on my toes. Tonight after choir practice my Pastor asked if I had a song in the car to sing, I said, “No, but I can go get one!” I have a lot of respect for this man and would do pretty much anything to find favor with him. So, I rushed home got a song and rushed back to church. I was thinking to myself, what I do for this man, and God said, “Yes Melissa, how quickly you jumped when Bro. Jesse asked you to sing, but you haven’t moved for me!” My friend Jamie sang a beautiful song and I was broken in two. Oh the great love and power of God. Needless to say I have once again cancelled my Netflix. The great thing is at this moment in time I do not have to give up movies. Rated “R” movies pretty much “Yes!” My habitual love and obsession with them…”Yes!”, but I believe, film will still have a part in my life. I just saw “Nym’s Island” this weekend and thought thank you God for Walden Media!

Yeah Netflix is a small thing, but in order to be clean we must wash the stain of sin from our bodies, and it can be a very bloody job. Netflix allowed me to be swallowed up in non-reality. It consumed much of my time. God is jealous, and He is about relationship not religion. He has reassured me in such an awesome way of His mercy and His grace and I know that through each step of obedience I am drawing closer to Him. I am ready to shake the stench of sin from my body and fall at His feet and let Him move. So long self…it is about surrender. It is about purity of heart and spirit.

With all this said, yes I put a countdown to Prince Caspian…woo hoo!

If there is something you are holding onto no matter how big or small…give it to Him, let it go…He is far more worth it.

Take the time to read Isaiah 1!

I love you all!

To Catch You Up!

2008-03-31T18:06:00.000-07:00

It has been a long while since I have written just something about me on my blog, so I thought I would catch you up on what has been going on in my life. There is a lot of hope in the air and I’m anticipating greatness. The first thing is as of this Saturday I’m completely debt free. PRAISE GOD! I told God that I didn’t want to move unless I was out of debt, so the first step in the right direction. My heartbeat is still for Asheville, but I’m praying for what God wants. I’m no longer going to fight, in fact for awhile I’ve laid down and died…no more of that either. I want to live. We are to live fully until Jesus comes. I want to praise and serve while I’m waiting. I’m excited. I feel the trimmer in the air, and I’m anticipating the horizon. Whatever may come I will serve.

I’m so blessed beyond measure to have people who get me and love me and support me. I know without friends, family, church family I would have long ago given up. This Sunday we had the Lord’s Supper at church. It truly was refreshing and a way of renewing my heart and mind toward what is most important.

I’m still working at CCCS. The children bless my heart daily. I love them so much. You can see pics on my “myspace” site or facebook page.

This St. Patty’s day was spent with my dear friend Jamie. This is the second year we have spent time together on St. Patty’s day. I LOVE the shirts “Kiss Me I’m Irish”, but as far as I know I have no Irish blood in me, so Old Navy was selling shirts that said, “I’m Not Irish Kiss me Anyway”…I thought this was perfect. It probably will be my St. Patty’s shirt for next year too as it seems that Jamie and I are going to make a tradition of hanging out on this beloved day. We went to eat at this wonderful little restaurant that I believe some of you Northerners might know, Cosi. It is wonderful, and we enjoyed some yummy S’mores. Then we went to a concert at the Singletary Center at UK…An Dochas and the Haran Irish Dancers. We were on the second row!!!! I have NEVER been that close in any concert. It was AWESOME! We had handsome men who had great musical talent, great dancing, and a lot of fun. There were technical difficulties, but it was as if we were a family and enjoyed and cheered them on. IT WAS GREAT FUN!!!!!! If they come around town check them out!

I got to see a beautiful woman do an amazing job in the Lexington Passion Play.

I then had the opportunity to go visit my best friend since High School in Helena, Alabama. She and her husband have two beautiful children and I got to be Aunt Melissa for the long weekend. They are wonderful people and made me feel so at home. We had a great time. We spent the days going to a lovely little chocolate shop, American Village, an Easter Egg Hunt, eating at a wonderful little place called the Depot, and just hanging out at home. I loved snuggling with the kids and just spending time with my dearest and most loveliest friend. We laugh at the same things, journey through our differences, and really appreciate each other. It was a delight and a TRUE vacation. I had such a great time. I love you Jen.

I’m traveling down for a long weekend to visit my sis in Nashville April 11th-14th, and on Sunday April 13th I have the privilege of seeing Mr. John Eldredge speak for FREE! Now, most of you know what his work has meant to me. John is truly my favorite Christian author. Normally, you can only see him in Colorado and normally it is quite pricey. I feel that this is truly a divine appointment from God. This is the second biggest thing from meeting Melissa Gilbert. I’m praying over this and I know God is in it. Hurray! More information on this to come.

Life is more than good, it is blessed…I love the Lord…

Oh yeah, and May 4th my sisters and I are going to see John Waller (most amazing album ever), Leeland, and Casting Crowns. Never have I had a line-up I’ve loved more…

OK, now I must go because I have rambled on long enough. Enjoy your life, live your life, relish each day as a precious gift He has given. He is just far too amazing!

PSALM 27

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

2008-03-16T18:18:00.001-07:00

I, Patrick, as sinner, am the most ignorant and of least account among the faithful, despised by many…It was not any grace in me, but God who is victorious in me and resisted them all, so that I came to the Irish people to preach the gospel and to bear insults from unbelievers, to hear the scandal of my travels, and to endure many persecutions even to the extent of prison; so that I surrender my liberty as a man of free condition for the profit of others, and if I should be found worthy, I am ready to give even my life for His name’s sake unfalteringly, gladly, and without hesitation; and there(in Ireland) I desire to spend it until I die, if our Lord should grant it to me. I owe it to God’s grace that so many people should through me be born again in God…But I implore those who believe in and fear God, whoever consents to examine or receive this document composed by the obviously unlearned sinner Patrick in Ireland, that no one shall ever credit to me even the smallest of things that I achieved or may have told of that was pleasing to God, but accept and truly believe that it was the gift of God. And this is my confession before I die.
~ Patrick, Confession

Creed that St. Patrick wrote:

Christ shield me today against poison, against burning, against drowning, against wounding,
So that there may come to me abundance of reward,

Christ with me, Christ before me,
Christ behind me, Christ in me,
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ on my right, Christ on my left,
Christ when I lied down,
Christ when I sit down,
Christ when I arise,
Christ in quiet,
Christ in danger,
Christ in the heart of everyman who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.

Psalm 84-85

2008-03-10T16:09:00.001-07:00

Psalm 84
For the director of music. According to gittith. Of the Sons of Korah. A psalm. [a]
1 How lovely is your dwelling place,
O LORD Almighty!
2 My soul yearns, even faints,
for the courts of the LORD;
my heart and my flesh cry out
for the living God.
3 Even the sparrow has found a home,
and the swallow a nest for herself,
where she may have her young—
a place near your altar,
O LORD Almighty, my King and my God.
4 Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
they are ever praising you.
Selah
5 Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.
6 As they pass through the Valley of Baca,
they make it a place of springs;
the autumn rains also cover it with pools.
7 They go from strength to strength,
till each appears before God in Zion.
8 Hear my prayer, O LORD God Almighty;
listen to me, O God of Jacob.
Selah
9 Look upon our shield, O God;
look with favor on your anointed one.
10 Better is one day in your courts
than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
11 For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
the LORD bestows favor and honor;
no good thing does he withhold
from those whose walk is blameless.
12 O LORD Almighty,
blessed is the man who trusts in you.
Psalm 85
For the director of music. Of the Sons of Korah. A psalm.
1 You showed favor to your land, O LORD;
you restored the fortunes of Jacob.
2 You forgave the iniquity of your people
and covered all their sins.
Selah
3 You set aside all your wrath
and turned from your fierce anger.
4 Restore us again, O God our Savior,
and put away your displeasure toward us.
5 Will you be angry with us forever?
Will you prolong your anger through all generations?
6 Will you not revive us again,
that your people may rejoice in you?
7 Show us your unfailing love, O LORD,
and grant us your salvation.
8 I will listen to what God the LORD will say;
he promises peace to his people, his saints—
but let them not return to folly.
9 Surely his salvation is near those who fear him,
that his glory may dwell in our land.
10 Love and faithfulness meet together;
righteousness and peace kiss each other.
11 Faithfulness springs forth from the earth,
and righteousness looks down from heaven.
12 The LORD will indeed give what is good,
and our land will yield its harvest.
13 Righteousness goes before him
and prepares the way for his steps.

Penelope

2008-03-01T20:02:00.000-08:00

I LOVE a good story... I am drawn and captivated by a simplistic truth to storytelling. I ache to see the richness of human souls displayed, be it a painting, a song, a sculpture, or all too often,…a film. Penelope is such a film. I was undone by the simplistic beauty of this film. This is what a fairytale is meant to be, this is what a folktale is meant to evoke, a place where all hop-toads are prince charming and all chamber maids are princesses. The perception of physical beauty is never found without, but within. The character of a human being can be changed by seeing belief in another person’s eyes. You are always more capable of being so much more than what most believe you possess, even yourself. However, this movie is far from self-love. It is more about self-confidence and being the creation, while God is not mentioned, that you were intended to be. Why wallow with the pigs when you were meant to dine with the King. This film is short, tender, and precious. A movie that Mothers and daughters should go see together. It shows the harsh reality of how people who are different are often treated, and what it means to truly love someone so much, that you would sacrifice your own happiness for theirs. Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder and I say that Penelope is a beautiful film.

I’m so endeared to Reese Witherspoon that this is what she wants to translate on screen. Christina Ricci looked more beautiful than I have ever seen her before, and James McAvoy gives a performance that rips your heart out. His emotion is played so deeply and you truly can feel it with him.

On a side note…I thought I was going to have to jump out of my seat and up and down while screaming at the top of my lungs when I saw the preview for “Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian”…oh my goodness…if the preview moved me this much I wonder what the film will do…May baby…its coming in May!

Miracles

2008-02-28T07:57:00.000-08:00

It’s found in a four-year old boy telling you that you are beautiful enough to marry a King.

It is found in holding a new and precious life in your hands.

It is found in snow sparkling against the sun’s sacred touch.

It is found in a sister telling you that you are made for something more.

It is found in a Mom and Dad driving you to and from work.

It is found in a stranger’s smile or a child’s laughter.

A lullaby sung sweetly, a prayer prayed quietly, a journey well lived…

…There are miracles that abound each and every day in our lives.

I will stop to smell the roses. I will stand still enough to let Him move. I will praise and serve while I wait. The adventure is coming. I’m dusting off my fear caked clothes and setting my eyes toward the horizon. Look and see the sun is coming up. It is a new day…let all of us rejoice in His miracles.

15-17Yet the rescuing gift is not exactly parallel to the death-dealing sin. If one man's sin put crowds of people at the dead-end abyss of separation from God, just think what God's gift poured through one man, Jesus Christ, will do! There's no comparison between that death-dealing sin and this generous, life-giving gift. The verdict on that one sin was the death sentence; the verdict on the many sins that followed was this wonderful life sentence. If death got the upper hand through one man's wrongdoing, can you imagine the breathtaking recovery life makes, sovereign life, in those who grasp with both hands this wildly extravagant life-gift, this grand setting-everything-right, that the one man Jesus Christ provides?
Romans 5:17 The message

Will you sit at My Feet?

2008-02-04T19:08:00.001-08:00

38As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. 40But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!"
41"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, 42but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."
Luke 10: 38-42

Have you ever loved a piece of scripture for many years and sort of accepted the meaning of it from what others told you and what you yourself believed only to find that God wanted to reveal more…this is such a verse.

I have known and do know many Martha’s. I can be a Martha. I so often get consumed in duty out of fear and belief that this is what is expected of me. I feel sometimes that these individuals are so frightened of letting their guard down, for they would melt into puddles if they had nothing in which to busy their worried minds with. We look down on Martha’s don’t we? We treat them with disdain and try desperately to try not to equate ourselves with being one. However, we are thankful that there are Martha’s to get the work done, and are thankful that the burden doesn’t pass to us.

I have been taught to look at Martha with my nose up. I even assumed that Jesus looked at her with disdain, as if she were a burden with her busyness. I wished to be nothing like her and strove to place myself at His feet as often as possible, rolling my eyes at any Martha that walked by, and breathing in pride that I was nothing like that (except the times I am!)

God gently took this scripture and gave it a subtle thrust in the right direction. Oh, to have Mary’s tender and youthful heart. We all need to sit at Jesus feet, each and every one of us. It is so important for our walk. Obedience ignited by passion is truly and unstoppable force. Can you imagine someone martyred for their faith getting up on the platform before their death and saying, “Well this is my duty, something I have to do…” acting as if it was the chore of their life. All those martyred that I have read about died with passion on their lips and assured faith, that while they didn’t want to go through this trial, they were going to see their blessed Savior. The one they had served with reckless abandon.

However, when Jesus addresses Martha he is speaking to her, not to her about Mary. While not scriptural, I can almost envision the scene. Martha busily preparing the supper. The disciples dispersed here and their discussing any number of things, and of course Mary sitting at Jesus’ feet. He might be imparting a story of their travels. The scene is relaxed and comfortable. There is laughter floating in the air. I also can see Jesus watching Martha. He has watched her from the moment they have arrived, for does not the Shepherd watch over all of His flock. There is no disdain in His heart, only a deep desire to meet her need. My pastor says that we don’t realize how intimate Christ wants to be with us. How true…

All the while poor Martha is in the kitchen rushing around like a bee without a bonnet. Anger, sin, eating away at her thoughts. There is no place for communion with Jesus there, she is no longer being obedient to His will, but she thinks she is. How often we do that? We go about fluttering here and there, growing more and more frustrated with those brothers and sisters who sit on their duffs and seem to do nothing, and we do, and do, and do, and do with self-righteous attitude and before we know it we are a flower scorched in the sun. The shadow of His wings the only restoration.

In verse 40 it says, “…Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made…” How easily Satan steals our time and our thoughts? We dutifully do for the Lord with about as much passion as a thumbtack. Am I saying that Martha didn’t love the Lord, or maybe she didn’t love the Lord as much as Mary? There in lies the kicker. This is what I had thought, that Mary loved Jesus more and this is what I thought Jesus thought. It is lie from the pit of Hell. Martha loved Jesus with all of her heart. She had a personal relationship with him. She cared for him. After all she invited Him into her home. Also, I know that she was close by the frank way in which she spoke, “Lord don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work myself? Tell her to help me!” I love the exclamation point at the end of “Tell her to help me!” Martha’s anger has spilled forth. However, what leaves my heart trembling and my lip quivering is the, “Lord don’t you care…” Oh how deeply I have felt those words when I’ve asked the same thing of Him. The anguish of not understanding, surely He must see the injustice in all of this. Martha’s anger was covering a broken heart. She felt hurt and left out. I know from personal experience that she wanted to be there where Mary was, but duty bound in mind she felt she couldn’t. She felt it childish and foolish, but her heart longed for it. She longed for an intimacy with the Lord.

Jesus knew that too. I used to think that Jesus said these words very sternly to Martha…

41"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, 42but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."

This is the part of the story that changed. Jesus did not spit these words at Martha with disdain. I can almost see his head turn to look full in her eyes, tears welling up in His own. The compassion and love He had for Martha showing full in His face. “Martha,” he says gently and full of emotion, and then repeats her name again with deep feeling. …”you are worried and upset about many things…” (don’t be my sweet, I love you and cherish you, these things are so meaningless, these things do not satisfy)…”but only one thing is needed…” (I am what brings your heart to life).

“Mary has chosen the better…” It wasn’t the only choice, it wasn’t the right be all end all choice, it was the better choice. It was the choice that would sustain Mary in the hard times ahead. Jesus wanted this for Martha too. “…and it will not be taken away from her.” Indeed it wouldn’t, it would give her strength when she might need it most. Martha was a very practical woman. I can only imagine what happened after that conversation. Martha’s mind was no longer on her work, and her heart no longer harbored anger. I wonder what the evening meal looked like. I wonder if Martha loosed her hair, slipped off her sandals, and sat at His feet later that evening.

Oh the love Jesus has for us, and He invites each and everyone one of us to sit at His feet. He invites us to spend time with Him. He invites us to an intimacy that is far beyond our wildest imagination. He wants to sit with us and relish His love upon us. He wants us to stop our busyness and find the simplicity of life. As my pastor says we are working ourselves to death trying to live a complicated fast paced life while trying to find peace and joy in the midst of ciaos. Contentment is a learned trait, and it doesn’t come from make ourselves so busy that we don’t worry about not being content. It is getting dead still and asking God to open up those wounds, those fears, those doubts, and it is then having one of the greatest conversations of your life with the Creator of the Universe. Martha, won’t you sit at My feet…He is asking you the very same thing, what will you say?

Dance, Dance, Dance!

2008-02-02T17:39:00.000-08:00

I just finished watching two lovely movies. One, the Last Sin Eater, is a movie directed by Michael Landon Jr., and based on the novel by Francine Rivers. It is truly a work of subtle art that infuses the human spirit and Christ’s undying forgiveness into it. The second was M. Night’s “The Village”. What a sumptuous and delicious feast for the heart, eye, and mind. Ever since “6th Sense” M. Night has far been my favorite writer, director, and producer. His originality and subtle brilliance at storytelling leaves me with feelings I almost cannot capture. Visually stimulating and poignant, every word, every image, every facet of his work has a purpose. A true genius to behold. It is this visual imagery and this connection to the human spirit…the good and bad…that draws me so deeply to his work. He also can do a fairly good job about freaking you out, which I also happen to enjoy.

Bryce Howard (Ron Howard’s daughter) gives a powerful performance as Ivy Walker in this piece. In watching the extra’s I came across a four minute expert in which Bryce read from a diary she had kept from the entire experience. The way she captured her life during this period, I have to wonder if she captures it like this on a daily basis, sent my heart pounding. To think and relish life the way that she does…she sparkles, she digs down deep, she writes her soul, not just mere events upon a scrap of recycled wood. I felt with her, every heartbeat, every fear, every jitter of excitement infused as one. It made me desperate to put something down, to force a quill pen over homemade paper, to give my soul fully before it was lost to the television, technology, and duty of living in the 21st century. I think we’ve lost the art of journaling, for capturing a soul, for breathing life through the written word. Blogging is poor imitation…I know, why do I do then. I guess it is in the hopes of being heard, or maybe my fingers across a black keyboard can keep up with my mind more readily. Even now I want to draw my feelings the way Bryce drew hers, I find the metaphorical ink well running dry.

William Hurt (who plays her Father) and she were discussing the art of their experience on this film. He said that sometimes these experiences are like a dance, it is rare for it to happen, but when it does it is something to be savored for it might not come again. I began to look at life that way. In many ways we are dancing…many masquerades, some waltzes, some upbeat, some a sad ballet, we can dance in groups, two’s, or too often dance alone. I’ve been standing as still as a feather in a space of no wind to ruffle the delicate tendrils of my silken wing. I’ve tried not to even breathe, eyes firmly shut, desperately clapping my worn out shoes together wishing, like Dorothy, to be somewhere else, not certain if it is home or not. I’ve trembled at starting the dance again, knowing how I must look at times, afraid of losing control, or worse not hearing the music. The dead gong reverberates through my marrow a harrowing fear that this might be it. At any moment I’m certain that my mask will be ripped from me and when my eyes reveal what I’ve been trying to shut out, it will either be an empty dance hall or a mile of people laughing in my face.

The New Year I had made vows to the Father…I promised Him I’d follow if He would but ask me to dance. I have felt Him tenderly touch my face, encouraging, His hand about my waist, trembling I retreat into the shadows. What kind of dance will He ask of me? I’ve danced with Him before and I feel it has left a heavy burden on my shoulders? When I seek His face in the crowd what will I see? Approval or disappointment. How do I just seek Him? What does that look like?

Sometimes I feel I must dance or I will go mad. I’m left out of the banquet and trying to fight my way back in, spinning and twirling like mad, manic curls strung to their ends. I wish I were like Lucy in the Chronicles of Narnia and would simply follow Him no matter if anyone else can see Him or bothers to follow. I wish I could be sure of my visions of Him. I wish I could feel His touch tangibly, I wish I could focus on our dance solely instead of flirting with the world…craving a moment to tango in the flames. Maybe it is the stagnation that has become my life as of late, the existence not the experience that seems so familiar. I lived more in my mind than I think I have since I was a child.

How I wish to make haste…must make haste! The time is now there is no use waiting. I try to be so much too so many and forsake my first true and undying love. Jesus saw me as I was not as I should be, ugly warts and all, and found me captivating, He confidently strode across the dance floor and asked me for a dance. He protected me from the evil intent of others who had more than dancing on their minds. I envision Aslan, Lucy, and Susan playing on the hillside before the great battle at the end of the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, oh to be part of that tussle. I envision being spun around and around in a field of green, toes leaving the ground to stretch heavenward, blue bonnets and buttercups spilling from my ringlets as I spin, laughter caught on the wind until it reaches the ear of Him who loves me most. Oh breathless childlike wonder. We possess it, why do we so choose to repress it.

I cannot live for others; I will never satisfy everyone on what they think I should do. What do I want to do? Well, I want to be reckless for Him…I want to run without fear of anything, including death itself. As Sara Groves put it, until both the wick and wax are fully gone…no leftovers. I want to be completely who He wants me to be. I want this right brained whimsy and childlike wonder to flutter to the top and spill over. I want to be transparent so that people will be able to see Him, and then, just maybe He will ask them to dance and they will be carried away on their own adventure with someone who is both terrifying and good. I want to fight a good fight like Eowyn in Lord of the Rings…to be a daughter of kings in deed. I want to walk and not just talk.

I envision myself standing in a room; wood floor tarnished and dug in from many romping nights of music, laughter and fellowship. I can see the moons hallowed glow, and the twinkling stars through the open door in the back. The light from lanterns hung on white washed beams cast an inviting glow to travelers along the weary road. I’m dressed in a 19th century dress, soft purple with little white daisies bubbling about. My curls are braided with a sprig of lavender placed in the back; ringlets encircle my face, green eyes nearly keeping up with the stars. My weathered and worn lace up black boots adorn my feet, which are raised on tiptoes, rocking back and forth, while my arms lace around my back. My fingers are fidgeting with a handmade handkerchief embroidered in yellow roses. I’m humming…”Jesus paid it all, all to him I owe, sin had left a crimson stain, he washed me white as snow.” I hear the laughter of those around me. Some are enjoying refreshment, while others are chatting in comfortable groups. Time progresses and more travelers arrive, friendly smiles, and warm greetings are passed among hand shakes and giggles. The band tunes up and begins to play…soft and low at first, and then raising to their peak a rowdy sort of number that makes certain young folk dance upon the air. All the while I’m observing, keeping rhythm with my toe. He walks in casting a shimmer of a smile my way. My heart will surely explode before He makes His pardons to grasp my hand. Fear rises up in me and I shut my eyes and swallow hard. He touches my face gently sending warmth and peace. He takes my hand and pulls me confidently to the dance floor. The air smells of lavender and my feet touch air. I feel young and free, eight years old again in an open field being swung around by my Father, feet touching heavenward.

Shall I dance? My feet have to move first…I MUST take His hand. I can no longer look to the side or the back of me, or be concerned of the ought of the matter. I must do what I must. I must be reckless. I must let my heart take wing and soar by His side. Life is truly a dance or a play however you choose to look at it. It can be a tragedy, comedy, drama, or documentary. However, the only partner worth having, the only dance worth dancing, is with Him close by my side. I choose to hear His music in the night.

3 The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying:

"I have loved you with an everlasting love;

I have drawn you with loving-kindness.
4 I will build you up again

and you will be rebuilt, O Virgin Israel.

Again you will take up your tambourines

and go out to dance with the joyful…

…13 Then maidens will dance and be glad,

young men and old as well.

I will turn their mourning into gladness;

I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.
Jeremiah 31: 3-4; 13

The Music of the Night Lives On...

2008-01-29T17:09:00.000-08:00

I remember curling up close next to the boom box when I was much younger, pressing play, and hearing the first sweet, intoxicating, and heart pounding cords of the Overture in the Phantom of the Opera. I would lay curled up on my side, close my eyes and, from what my Mother told me and the rich cords coming from the small speakers, envision what was unfolding. It was a great playground for my vivid imagination. As I’m typing this I’m listening to the very CD that I would play while lying on the carpet curled by the small stereo.

As I grew I left the Phantom behind me, and the winsome fancy and childlike wonder I held for the project. The movie brought the same magic back to the tiny girl inside. I was moved beyond expression, and my big girl mind was able to reap a whole other level of depth from the piece that my young mind never could. The depth of sorrow of what it is like never to have the caress of real love upon your life, while brilliant, cruel, cold, harsh, and with many animalistic qualities, not being able to truly love…and being softened by one act of true love. The layers of what the Phantom represents is deep and complex, and in fact could very much reflect certain aspects of us if we would take a longer look in the mirror, in dichotomy Christine is all the is pure, humble, sweet, trusting and honest in the human spirit. Raoul is more the steadfast character; he is strong, true, honest, practical…yet unafraid of love and compassion, and a good fight. Here were my thoughts after I had seen the movie…

Well I have seen the Phantom of the Opera for the second full time. All in all I have seen the movie two and a half times. It is a magical fantastical experience. I cried again. It is a true story of the human spirit. The spirit of ugliness, bitterness, resentfulness, and cruelty, and the spirit of humanity, kindness, giving, love, grace, mercy, and compassion. It is the essence of the passionate human heart and broken spirit. It is beauty and tragedy. It is fantastical and pure. It is magical and simple. It tugs at the heart strings. You are placed in front of a mirror and you see the reflection of yourself, truer than you might like. The Phantom infuses every pore of this film, and thus embodies all aspects of humanity.

Needless to say it got under my skin. In subsequent years I have periodically looked to see if the “Opera” would be coming around my neck of the woods. In a random search last August, not expecting much, I about fell out of my chair when I realized that Phantom would be playing at the end of this month in Louisville, KY. I called my dear friend Jamie and left her a message. When she heard it her husband thought someone had died by the way she acted. She is also a HUGE fan, so of course we set to go. I had been trying not to think about it too much, but it was ever one my mind. I knew that before I knew it would all be over.

So, this past Saturday evening we went…and well…it was FABULOUS! It was hard for me to concentrate I was so full of thoughts and jumbled emotions. The set, the props, the costumes, the sweet music coming from amazing talent, just incredible. I wished I could have seen it again so that I could have relaxed a little to fully take it in. Nonetheless it was such a rich experience for me. I was truly spellbound, and almost wished that I was seeing it with no pre-conceived notion, that the little girl in me could go back to that time when my stomach would flutter when I heard it for the first time. I had wished that I had never watched the movie as many times as I did. I wished to be a part of the music of the night as much as it had been a part of me in years past (maybe next time). Even so I am feeling so privileged to have had the opportunity to see it. Jason Mills (Phantom) was fabulous, what a rich vocal range and powerful presence he brought to the stage. Greg Mills, no relation, (Raoul) was a handsome and powerful Viconte de Chagny. Sara Jean Ford (Christine) was incredible, lovely, and what a set of pipes, a true and genuine actress. DC Anderson (Monsieur Andre) and Bruce Winant (Monsieur Firmin) played their roles with rich practicality and humor. Kim Stengel was fabulous as Carlotta Gludicelli. John Whitney was great as Ubaldo Piangi, and all the other cast did fabulous. I’m so thankful that they helped make a little girls dream come true.

So with childlike wonder and fantasy, unlike the end of the play, the music of the night is never over. Oh, what richness it does offer.

I Was Reminded Today...

2008-01-05T15:01:00.000-08:00

I was reminded today what a great man looks like. I was reminded today that there are men in this world that do live for Christ and seek His face every morning. I was reminded that they are the spiritual leaders of our home. How was I reminded, I saw one today. I saw a man who knows how to have fun, laugh, and live. I saw a man who loves his wife completely. I saw a man who loves the Lord and in turn loves others with that rich love of Christ. I saw a man who seeks truth, and truly cares about someone's walk with Christ. I heard a man of God's heart pour out before Him, not just for his family and his wife, but for a woman that he barely knows. A woman who is his wife's friend, and I heard a prayer that was so rich and deep and true and powerful, because he sought to know my heart and then to pray effectively. Oh how the throneroom of God trembled. My prayer is to have a man with this type of warrior's heart, or just to see more of them. Thank you W for your spirit, your laughter, and your heart! Thank you for loving MK, and in turn spreading your heart's warmth to all who meet you!

Happy New Year!

2007-12-31T21:44:00.000-08:00

What a glorious New Year it has already been! I have just spent New Year’s Eve with my church family. There is no better way to celebrate the hope and promise of a New Year! Oh, the things that we as a family agreed upon. I pray the same for each and every one of you, that we all my fall into true obedience with the Lord and seek His truth and gracious love each and every day in our lives. May we become the spirit of worship so others can worship Him. May we die to ourselves so that He can be manifest. The Christian walk is not painless, but it is the most joyful journey anyone will take. Let us not be scared to dive in deep with Him. I love you all. I pray for health, joy, peace, and a great big heaping of blessings on your life this year. Know that I hold each of you close to my heart and my prayer is that God will reveal the destiny He has for you and you will heed it with little fear and no hesitation. Grasp hold of Him!

I promise to write more…

Melissa

Gracious Lord fill our cups with YOU, pour into us, create a fire in our bones, and strengthen our hands. Let us be reminded of how deep and intimate you want to go with us, and let us not back down, but proclaim you from the mountain tops. Oh Lord you are worthy of all praise and honor and glory. Thank you for family and fellowship, thank you for making the Christian journey a family affair. Lord, as we bring others to you and as they are changed by your saving blood, may we also cleave to the passion of discipleship. Let us not leave our brothers and sisters out to dry, but feed them and nourish their bodies for the road. This is not an easy journey, but a wondrous one. Let us not forget to stand in awe of you, and that all things come to us that are purposed by you. You truly work with the hand of providence on our lives. Thank you for loving us…for saying the things we don’t want to hear, doing the things we don’t understand, refining us in ways that are painful…oh you are good, you are good…you fill and I still thirst for more, when you heal you leave a scar…you are mighty, and your ways are not mine. Lord fill our cups so that we might wet others, and let us know that the journey of life is never ceasing until you call us home. We will clap and sing, and rejoice in who you are. We love you dearly…amen.

Psalm 135

Happy Thanksgiving

2007-11-17T19:00:00.000-08:00

I’m thankful for…

1. I have been given an abundant life.
2. God whispers to me through the beauty of nature.
3. I have Godly parents who sought to take me to church and raise me in a Christian home.
4. I have more abundance than I could ask or imagine, and truly I don’t deserve.
5. I have my health.
6. God has provided a joyful place for me to work.
7. My family loves me.
8. The church that God has provided for me fills me to overflowing.
9. I have friends that love me, care for me, support me, and make me laugh…(lets keep changing the world, at least in our minds)
10. I have the privilege of living in the United States; this is a very fortunate and puzzling gift.
11. The Lord had His hand on me from the beginning.
12. Oh that He would save a wretch like me.
13. I’m thankful that he is Sovereign over all things, and that He has cared and carried me all the days of my life and brought me to this place.
14. He speaks to me.
15. He restores me.
16. He has only my good in mind.
17. His grace is sufficient and his mercies new every morning.
18. He holds my tomorrows and directs my path.
19. His timing is perfect
20. I have a home in Heaven.
21. I’m so thankful for my sisters who are a constant source of joy for me.
22. Those wonderful Martyr’s who have paved the way to bring Christ into a darkened world.
23. I have the ability to walk, talk, and glory the name of the Lord with every action within me.
24. I have loving parents who have allowed me to live under their roof for God’s purpose.
25. I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
26. God has given me a purpose and it is not to be a paper weight or a door stop, but to shine the light that he lit with His eternal flame.
27. The restlessness in knowing I’m created for more.
28. He never gives up on me, despite the way I behave sometimes.
29. He wants to take me on a journey of surrender.
30. I can rest in the shadow of His wings and fear nothing.

Me and "me sexy pirate"...

2007-11-07T07:11:00.000-08:00

...from the Ren Festival 2007 (more coming soon)

My Crazy Season!

2007-10-05T17:38:00.001-07:00

There is restlessness within my spirit as of late. I cannot place my finger on it or why it is there. I have a hunger for something more and an apathy and sluggishness to not grasp after it. I don’t know what it is. I mean of course I should seek Christ. I am striving to just seek Him, but I’m so used to seeking my own desires and ambitions that it is hard not to slip back into the idea that this Christian faith is really all about me. However, I’m cleaving to what Gayla told me, to seek Him and that is what I’m striving to do. I’m on a new journey of surrender that I wish I was on the other side of.

9/23/07 was the first day of FALL, and despite the warm weather I am still so excited about this time of year. I’m like a giddy school girl over the coming season and I am trying to wait with joyful anticipation. There are so many wonderful things that this time of year holds and it truly is when I feel most alive. I wish everyone could know me this time of year. However, it is also one of the busiest times of the year for me and I am desperately trying to get too overwhelmed by my responsibilities and actually rest and enjoy this time of year. It goes by as fast as it is. After all my two favorite holiday’s fall(ha, ha) during this time…Halloween and Christmas.

Two weekends ago was spent moving my sister into her new apartment in Nashville. I had muscles aching that I didn’t even know I had. I guess that is what happens when you move in 90 degree weather with thick humidity. The biggest thing is that we got her moved and Michelle and I had the ability to help her out. I know that she would do it for us in a moment. The work hasn’t stopped. The weekends and weekdays up to October 20th will consist of cleaning out for our annual yard sale. It is going to be quite large and I’m praying I don’t get drowned by the task. I’m also planning a complete overhaul and rearrangement of my room.

On Labor Day I got to do one of my most favorite things of the year which helps kick off the season for me and that is….the Ohio Renaissance Festival. This is the third year my friend and her family have gone. It is a BLAST! We had another great adventure and I finally got a picture with “me pirate”. I’m hoping next year, if I have the privilege of going, to do some things we haven’t done before. This past weekend we went to the Celtic Festival in KY. We stayed a little while, but it just didn’t have the punch that the Ren. Festival had.

I hoping for a Natural Bridge trip at the first of November, planning a ladies church dinner at my house, and of course we are going home to Georgia for Thanksgiving.
I’m so thankful that I’ve completed my Christmas story, gotten my Christmas cards, and will hopefully be prepared on that end for the coming holiday season. We get to stay in Kentucky for Christmas this year and my sister and I are going to get to prepare Christmas dinner. I am so excited!

Then in January I get to go see Phantom of the Opera on Broadway. This is something you will be hearing more about. This is something I have wanted to do since Mom and Dad brought the soundtrack home when I was little…fun times.

Even though I have many plans from here to the New Year I’m trying not to make permanent plans. I’m excited about the work the Lord is doing in me. I know that He reserves the right to come and interrupt my plans anytime He wants. I’m so thankful for the gift of HOPE! So thankful to Have Him!

Oh yeah! This weekend…well tomorrow I’m going to see Todd Agnew in Concert, and Sunday is probably one of my second favorite things of the year…Homecoming. I will be singing several songs on Sunday so keep me in your prayers.

I LOVE FALL!

What is Surrender supposed to look like?

2007-09-10T06:27:00.001-07:00

So, I say that it is about surrender or the “art of surrender”, but I’m struggling to know how to do that, what it really means to surrender my all to God…

I think first we have to know the character of God. My pastor has been talking a lot about God’s justice. It is nice to be familiar with God, but do we sacrifice reverent fear for comfortable familiarity. God really isn’t “my bro”, “the big man in the sky”; “my homeboy”…to say these things is to cheapen the very essence of who the Divine is. He is holy, set apart, other! It is great to liken Him to your husband, which is the status I find most familiar with myself. However, HE is also the Lord Almighty, Loving King, Gracious Father, Prince of Peace, Lamb of Judah, Rock of Jesse…all powerful, all knowing, all in all…I AM!

He is the same God from Old to New. We cannot embrace the God of the New Testament dismissing the Old as irrelevant. Jesus is God!

I think we have lost sight of God’s justice, Sovereignty, Power, Majesty…we don’t tremble enough because we don’t worship the God who is…there is a wide chasm between the God we want and the God who is…

I have been living the “old me” these last several months with very little concern for the consequences. I asked God to reveal Himself to me for who He really was a long time ago. People didn’t go up and pat Him on the back and say “how’s it going” when they met God, they trembled, glowed, were blinded, face down on the ground, touching the hem of His robe…they could not help but proclaim who He was even in their mockery.

He has done so much in my life. I often think that much of what I say on “Blogger” and “myspace” is deceit. How I want what I say to be the actions of my heart. So, as I travel on this new journey I will ask you…

WHAT DOES SURRENDER LOOK LIKE TO YOU?

Mary Mother of Jesus is my example of surrender. She is a true and amazing example of the unquestioning will to follow the Lord. I’ve loved her so much because I am so unlike her. She astounds me, not only in carrying the Son of God, but in caring for the Son of God…she pondered and kept everything in her heart and she rejoiced in God and doing His will…

46And Mary said:

"My soul exalts the Lord,

47And my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior.

48"For He has had regard for the humble state of His bondslave;

For behold, from this time on all generations will count me blessed. 49"For the Mighty One has done great things for me;

And holy is His name.

50"AND HIS MERCY IS UPON GENERATION AFTER GENERATION

TOWARD THOSE WHO FEAR HIM.

51"He has done mighty deeds with His arm;

He has scattered those who were proud in the thoughts of their heart. 52"He has brought down rulers from their thrones,

And has exalted those who were humble.

53"HE HAS FILLED THE HUNGRY WITH GOOD THINGS;

And sent away the rich empty-handed.

54"He has given help to Israel His servant,

In remembrance of His mercy,

55As He spoke to our fathers,

To Abraham and his descendants forever."

-Luke 1: 46-55

How I Look at My Life...Now!

2007-09-02T11:36:00.001-07:00

Lord,

I don’t even have the words to say. Come Father! Make Your path clear. Let us rekindle our hearts to one another!...

I’m caught somewhere in the middle. The past tugs and whispers and pleads…it is like a tempting mirage in the desert. The voice trembles with passion, “Remember when we had so much fun?” It pulls at my heart, my fleshly desires quake under the touch, my body weak, and my heart feels hollow. My mind is playing cruel games on me again, a game I try to win through perpetuating fantasies. The old is choking the new. If I surrender will I lose all control…

Praise Him that I’m not where I was, that He brought me further than I ever thought I could or would dare to go. I thank Him that He is still pushing me further and further. I want Him to become so real to me that I can feel His breath on the back of my neck. I want to be quick to listen to Him and do His abundant will, to be slow to speak my desires to Him, and slow to become angry with Him when I don’t get my way (James 19: 19-20). Can I really sacrifice my dreams for His? I want to apprehend and hold onto the Word with all my heart. I want to revel and reveal His truth to others.

He is exceedingly, abundantly, immeasurably able to do more than we ask or imagine (Ephesians 3: 20-21). Oh, how I desire to stand on that truth. The questions assail me…

I have gone through an extreme amount of sifting through the last year and there has been much about my faith that has been tested…

How do you deal with fear?
What do I really believe about my Christian faith?
What does the Sovereignty of God really mean?
What does it mean to live in truth?
What is the truth of a woman’s real beauty?

I think the biggest questions that I’ve been asking lately are:

Does God really love me?
Lord, do you really have a purpose for my life?
What does it mean to have a relationship with Jesus Christ?

I’m seeking…I know that God is indeed Sovereign even though I don’t fully comprehend the depth of what that means. I know He has a divine purpose for my life, but I’m hitting some walls and fear I’ve missed the mark. I keep praying to live authentically, when it truly isn’t about me and about Him. I want to know His love and not only rest in that, but love Him back…deeply. I want His word to be shut up in bones until it is too much and I must share it with others. I keep praying that He truly does show me the real Kingdom.

I believe…help my unbelief!

If I never get the answer I will still serve Him…He has proven Himself to be so true and faithful in the past. I cannot stop serving Him, seeking Him, loving Him. It doesn’t matter at all what I do, His love for me is endless…I must remind myself unnumbered times of day on that one. My heart aches for Him. He has to work in me before He can work through me.

Questions have profoundly affected my relationship with Christ. If you cannot or do not question your faith, I don’t really believe that you can have a faith of much substance. I’m so glad that God has allowed me to fight with Him, question Him, stomp my feet at Him, even stick my fingers in my ear when I didn’t want to listen. I’m so thankful He has always wrestled with me and in the end, even though I might be a little weak or injured from the fight, He always blesses me.

So, I hold my cup out. I cannot make it without you Lord fill it up to overflowing or I will surely die. I am to do everything as unto the Lord. How I desire to hunger and thirst after righteousness.

“The day of the Lord is near for all nations. As you have done, it will be done to you; Your deeds will return upon your own head.” – Obediah v. 15

Neutrality is nauseating to God!

I feel as if I’m standing still and saying I’m walking with God. I know what it is like to be outside His will, and I know what it is like to hear His voice and be in the presence of the almighty. I know what it is like to feel so far from Him I cannot breathe, and doubt His existence; I know what it is like to sit with Him beside the shores of rest and forgiveness. I’m discovering I need to rediscover who He is and just rest in that, quit trying so hard.

I wrote this awhile back…

It will be a year ago this July that God woke me out of a slumber and began to show me glimpses of His glorious kingdom. Childlike giggles floated from my lips and my heart pounded with the beating of a thousand butterflies as I stepped out into the bright sunshine and away from a job that I had been at for nearly 5 years. I was fresh out of college with a fledgling career and big dreams. However, those dreams slowly and painfully began to crumble as the soil of my heart was being tilled exposing the rocks and weeds I had let pile up from years of planting my own desires deep within my heart. The Lord asked me a simple question, “Will you…?” As if a thought, barely a whisper, I agreed to seek Him and give Him more of me, and so the stripping began.

I don’t really know how I got here. One moment I was off to chase a dream, the next I was standing, heart exposed, in a charred wasteland of ruin and rubble. It is amazing how three months of unemployment could extinguish the remaining embers of my desire. By the end of the experience my fire would be reduced to nothing but a heap of coals and ashes. God was getting ready to kindle a new fire, a consuming fire, one that blisters, hurts, and heals. He had to destroy, cut out, tear down those things that barred His blood from my soul.

I always felt it easy to live in this world and serve the Lord. Lukewarm wasn’t only a state of being for me, but a rare art, and I defended it at every turn. The heart can be easily calloused and bruised by the rationality of the mind. I thought I could have my cake and eat it too. I was set to be a big movie star, producer, director. I had plans of pushing the envelope in the art I produced. There wasn’t even a question of compromise. I was holding onto God and all my treasures too. He needed to fit quietly in His proper box and not disturb the rest of my life. I was happy, I was excited, and like a two year old child I stuck my fingers in my ears and sang, “Tra-la-la!” whenever He would speak my name. I became so good at it that soon I didn’t hear His voice anymore.

The Lord began to cut me off at every turn. The doors, windows, and cracks of this world were being sealed and I felt entombed. Then, He began to cut away. I remember the first thing He asked me to give up. It was a set of shows on DVD that had made an indelible mark on my teenage years. These little gods had become a part of my identity and were deflecting His light in my life. This time, no matter how I tried, I couldn’t silence His voice. “Remember…” I didn’t want to remember what I promised Him. What about me? Didn’t He love me?

The first relinquishing was horrible, but in the months to come the stripping became less painful. There was much to be taken, but far more to be gained. I began to see Jesus in a very different light. I began to realize the way I was living was not only lukewarm but unacceptable. I began to realize that this life is not about me, but completely about what He can do through me. I began to awaken to His deep and passionate love for me. For the first time in my life I wanted to serve Him with reckless abandon. I tried to go back to the way things were before, but it was as if I saw with new eyes. I couldn’t even believe the garbage I had allowed to stain His sacred temple.

For the first time in my life I was completely and totally reliant on Him. I had to trust Him to provide for me financially, spiritually, and physically. There was nothing I could do but surrender. It was exhausting, heartbreaking, beautiful, glorious, and amazing. It is beyond me to fathom why He chose to wake me up and use such a vessel as myself. I am nothing special, but He chose me for a purpose.

What am I doing now? I have the distinct pleasure of working with children, a dream that has bloomed and grown into a masterpiece of grace and mercy. What will I do in the future? The only career goal I now have is to follow my Savior wherever He leads. He is far to shut-up in my bones and I cannot keep quiet. Yahweh, show me the real Kingdom.

Oh how I desire to do great things for God, but greatness can come in both big and small packages. I need to quit defining my greatness by what I think, and rely on Him to place my feet where I need to step. It is the art of surrender that I seek, as the room gets smaller, and the cost grows higher, I pray my heart will submit to His perfect and complete will. I do not want to go back, only forward, to reach that horizon and rest in the rapids of His love.

…teach me what it means to be reckless in You.

Yours Completely,
Melissa

“For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.” – 2 Corinthians 4: 6-12

“In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit.” – Ephesians 2: 21-22

Least of These...

2007-08-30T20:15:00.001-07:00

In showing “Christ” to the ‘least of these’ should I only give bread to the hungry, or the bread of life to those whose spirit is starved, should I only give the thirsty a cup a water, or take a cup of living water to a war torn soul, am I not the first person to share what I have with a friend in need and leave a stranger out in the cold, should I only give clothes to those without, or also clothe my enemy in prayer (and a shirt if he/she needed it for that matter.) I believe we create boundaries in our hearts for who we consider ‘least of these’. It is usually those we feel most comfortable helping. I know I do, I know I’m self-centered. Instead of helping someone take their groceries to their car, I sneer when I have to wait behind them in line, their heavy burden an annoyance. My pastor recently said, “Humility is not thinking of you at all.” How easily it is about me, and not the ‘least of these’. It isn’t social or economic status (or the lack of it). It is a bleeding broken heart that is gapping wide and the only thing that can fill and mend it I choose to hide under a bush of self-righteous pride.

My Supplication!

2007-08-09T11:23:00.000-07:00

Great and Just Lord,

I will rebuke that which I cleave to, for it is not of you, and I do not belong to it. I will remove the adulterous look for my face and the unfaithfulness from between my breasts. The stripping is painful Lord and the desert is hot. I know that my sins against you are great, and I know why my land is barren. Have mercy on my children for what I have done…

I have said, “I will go after my lovers, who give me my food and my water, my wool and my linen, my oil and my drink.” Yet, you block my path with thorn bushes; and you wall me in so I cannot find my way. I have chased after my other lovers with so much gusto and determination, but I have not caught them, they do not satisfy. I have looked high and low for what would satisfy me, but my mouth grows dryer by the day.

Then I said, “I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now.” I had forgotten, foolishly forgotten, that you were the one who gave me the grain, the new wine and oil. It was you who lavished on me the silver and gold which I squandered on my lusts.

You have proclaimed:

“Therefore I will take away my grain when it ripens and my new wine when it is ready. I will take back my wool and may linen, intended to cover her nakedness. So, now I will expose her lewdness before the eyes of her lovers; no one will take her out of my hands. I will stop all her celebrations: her yearly festivals, her New Moons, her Sabbath days – all her appointed feasts. I will ruin her vines and her fig trees, which she said were her pay from her lovers; I will make them a thicket, and wild animals will devour them. I will punish her for the days she burned incense to the Baals; she decked herself with rings and jewelry, and went after her lovers, but me she forgot.”

Oh, just when I thought all hope was gone, when I thought it was too late you allured me into the desert and you spoke tenderly to me. You gave me back my vineyards and made the Valley of Trouble a door of hope for me. I will sing as in the day of my youth, as in the day I came out of darkness into light. You are no longer my master, but my husband whom I love deeply. My thoughts and my praises of my other lovers lose their luster in the site of you, oh burn them from my lips, and refine me from the ashes. Oh, glorious day when I shall see my Lover face to face. I am betrothed to you forever and ever. Nothing can wrench me from your hand. I am betrothed in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. You have betrothed me in faithfulness and I will acknowledge you as Lord.

You have chosen to respond. You have proclaimed:

“I will respond to the skies, and they will respond to the earth; and the earth will respond to the grain, then new wine and oil, and they will respond to Jezreel. I will pant her for myself in the land; I will show my love to the one I called ‘Not my loved one.’ I will say to those called ‘Not my people’ ‘You are my people’, and they will say, ‘You are my God.’”

You are my God. I love you. I am sorry. Restore me to your grace. Reveal the mystery you have for me.

Your Beloved,
Melissa

Hosea 2

Thought for the Day!

2007-08-08T17:43:00.000-07:00

Christian LIVING is the matter of the WILL!

WE ARE HELL BENT TO LIVE OUT OUR LUST!

Temptation comes from our natural desires!

We have to learn the secret of control!

So, what are we left with...

It's about surrender...

18I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, 19and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, 20which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, 21far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. 22And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, 23which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way. - Ephesians 1: 18-23

The same power that raised Christ from the dead resides in us. It's time we do more than try...

A Prayer...Surrender (Qu. Pt. 4)

2007-08-06T17:01:00.000-07:00

This is hard Lord, for sometimes I get confused. What do I have really? You are my King and the author and finisher of my faith. Lord, let me see with your eyes and focus with your mind and heart. I want to know the plans you have for me and follow close in your footsteps. I have a caring and compassionate heart. I truly want to do for others, even though my pride and fear so often get in my way. I LOVE children with a passion beyond anything I can ask or imagine. I know that if you are calling me to teach them then it will be YOU who would do it; I'm not capable on my own. I enjoy writing and believe in my heart that you have placed a seed for that in me, and a purpose to go along with it. All I've ever wanted as long as I can remember is to be a wife and mother, what does that mean to you? What does that look like to you? I am willing and in the same breath stubborn. I have nothing but my heart, body, soul, and mind. My heart is bruised from mishandling, my body is weary for not viewing it as your temple, my soul is shattered from not feeding it, and my mind is a battlefield for what I have put into it. However, I lay them at your throne, so that you may renew each and create a steadfast spirit within me. I LOVE YOU! I lay all the things seen and yet unseen in my life at your feet. Until we meet face to face at the marriage supper...Yahweh, show me the real kingdom!

Out of the Depths...

2007-08-04T14:49:00.000-07:00

It has been a good long while since I have written on a sermon that my dear Pastor has done. It isn’t that he hasn’t been speaking to me or ministering to me. On the contrary, God has been giving out a heavy dose of truth. He does that each and every time I attend church.

So, first let me give you the scripture…

1 Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD;
2 O Lord, hear my voice.

Let your ears be attentive

to my cry for mercy.
3 If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins,

O Lord, who could stand?
4 But with you there is forgiveness;

therefore you are feared.
5 I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,

and in his word I put my hope.
6 My soul waits for the Lord

more than watchmen wait for the morning,

more than watchmen wait for the morning.
7 O Israel, put your hope in the LORD,

for with the LORD is unfailing love

and with him is full redemption.
8 He himself will redeem Israel

from all their sins.
-Psalm 130

We all suffer. The best of men suffer in the depths. Here is what the Psalmist teaches us…

1. He seeks audience with the Lord. (v. 1 & 2)
- True prayer comes from a strong inward necessity!
- When times are pleasant or prosperous meaningful prayer goes out the window. (Why is it that when things are going good we think we’ve done it? Why don’t we fall at His feet in Holy Worship of His grace in our life?)
- The greatest privilege we own is prayer, but we take it so lightly.
55 I called on your name, O LORD,

from the depths of the pit.
56 You heard my plea: "Do not close your ears

to my cry for relief."
57 You came near when I called you,

and you said, "Do not fear."
58 O Lord, you took up my case;

you redeemed my life.
Lamentations 3:55-58

Everybody in your boat is in trouble when you are disobedient to God…(we can look at Jonah, we can also read his “out of the depths” prayer in Jonah 2)

2. The Psalmist senses the accounting of the Lord (v.3 & 4)
- We will never be right with the Lord until we understand His thought on sin – He HATES it.
God’s forgiveness comes in two ways: 1. Judicial Forgiveness (forgiven of our sin debt, all is paid with Jesus’ blood) and 2. Parental Forgiveness (I know you messed up, I LOVE YOU, I forgive you!)

3. He sees and stays assured by the Word of God (v. 5 & 6)
- Don’t we all just need to sometimes say, “Lord, just tell me one more time please…Do you love me?”
Note: The Psalmist states twice: “more than watchmen wait for morning” – I think he is doing several things in this statement.
1. He is reassuring himself of an answer to come.
2. He is professing to the Lord that he will wait as long as it takes.
3. He is anticipating and believing that God will answer and come and deliver him.

4. I will speak of His abundance (v. 7 & 8)

Questions Pt. 3 (Is it alright to ask?)

2007-07-27T09:06:00.000-07:00

4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. – James 1: 4-6!

Yes, it is alright to ask, but I think it is important to know what to do with the answers. I have always had a questioning faith whether due to being to smart for my own good or too easily manipulated by others thoughts. As I mentioned in my previous post I struggled with the hard questions and what I was going to do with them. I didn’t really trust that I could take them to anyone, and so I hid them and my shame behind a curtain of insecurity and regret that I couldn’t be better. I think the first truth we have to set deep in our hearts is that God loves us, not because of what we do or don’t do, but because He created us for fellowship and oneness with Him. He loves us just as we are, but He also sees what He wants us to become. Perseverance must indeed finish its work so that we may be mature and complete, lacking nothing. The struggle, I believe, does not end until we cross the threshold of Heaven. To change and grow is what it means to be alive. I also believe, from my own personal experiences, that faith not questioned can be a faith of no real value.

22 He reveals deep and hidden things;

he knows what lies in darkness,

and light dwells with him.
23 I thank and praise you, O God of my fathers:

You have given me wisdom and power,

you have made known to me what we asked of you,

you have made known to us the dream of the king."
-Daniel 2: 22-23

God is a great mystery, but He does not hide his truth from us. I have asked so many questions from…”Can you give me a good parking space?” to “What does your Sovereignty look like?” “How do I deal with fear?” “How do I deal with failure?” “What does it mean to serve Jesus Christ?” “What does it mean when we say we are Christians?” “Do we live in a broken dream?”
One thing I have come to realize is that God ALWAYS answers…ALWAYS!

so is my word that goes out from my mouth:

It will not return to me empty,

but will accomplish what I desire

and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
- Isaiah 55:11

It is what we do with the answers that make our questioning meaningful. This is when faith through the Holy Spirit comes to play. In my post on “God Hates Sin” I say that we have a choice to either serve evil or serve good…

“Every Christian makes an impression by his conduct, and witnesses either for one side or the other. His looks, dress, whole demeanor, make a constant impression on one side or the other. He cannot help testifying for or against religion. He is either gathering with Christ, or scattering abroad. At every step you tread on chords that will vibrate to all eternity. Every time you move you touch keys whose sound will reecho all over the hills and dales of heaven, and through all the dark caverns and vaults of hell. Every movement of your lives, you are exerting a tremendous influence that will tell on the immortal interests of the souls all around you.” – Charles G. Finney

God wants us to come to Him with our questions. He wants us to fight with Him and in the end He will bless us, if we are faithful in trusting that blessing and answer. This is why I feel it so important to disciple baby Christians. We need to be open with our hurts and pains and struggles and keep each other accountable to the truth of God. If we lived more open authentic lives before a wild unfettered God then we would have the wisdom we seek. Doubt would have to flee in the presence of His light and knowledge, and we would be better equipped to handle the sorrow and devastation of this world. We would know that He truly is the only thing worth seeking and in the face of doubt we would laugh out loud filling the hills and dales of heaven with rejoicing and the dark caverns and vaults of hell with a shutter. It is time we start understanding what we believe and what it means to be a Christian. Compromise is not part of the equation…you are either for God or against Him. You can’t be both.

Let me share with you the ways that God has answered me. He usually answers in three ways, “Yes”, “No”, or with a question of His own, “Melissa, do you trust me?” The third one is usually the hardest to swallow, but has been where I have found my most growth. Sometimes, God will not reveal a yes or no answer, sometimes He will ask…”Do you trust me?” It is like a child asking her parent “why?” and the parent says, “Because I said so?” It is a hard pill to swallow sometimes, but we must have faith to trust the Father that He knows best. He is, after all, “I AM!” For example, I had posed a question long ago on my blog asking, “Are we resigned to live in a broken dream?” I was deeply broken at the time and mistrusting God in so many ways. God did not answer that question straight out, but in the end took me around to the dream He had for me which was wholeness in holiness. What did I do with the fear of losing my salvation…I laid it at His feet. In the end if I think I am able to lose my salvation then the salvation becomes about me and not about Him. We do nothing to gain salvation, it comes totally from Him, and He keeps His promises…

7-10Now God has us where he wants us, with all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus. Saving is all his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. It's God's gift from start to finish! We don't play the major role. If we did, we'd probably go around bragging that we'd done the whole thing! No, we neither make nor save ourselves. God does both the making and saving. He creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join him in the work he does, the good work he has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing. – Ephesians 2: 7-10 The Message.

There are certain questions that His grace has to cover. I trust and hope in Heaven because He says so in the Bible, but what really happens when I die has been a struggle for me and is something that He has asked me to trust Him on through His word. I can’t change my feelings, but feelings are like shifting sands, in order to quell the tide that rises I must stand on the solid rock, more importantly I must stand on the sovereign Word of God and tell Satan to flee. It is important to note that every thought that crosses our mind does not come from us. We have a Deceiver waiting to devour us. He plants thoughts in our minds and we usually expound on them. He knows our weaknesses and where to cut so we bleed slowly and painfully…he knows how to leave a scar. I am very internal…always in my own head. I have thought some of the ugliest, darkest, morbid, scary things. It came from a lot of the garbage I was putting into my mind, but it left me feeling worthless and questioning how I couldn’t be a Christian if I thought these things.

Before I get too off track I will try to reel myself back in…
1. It is perfectly alright to question God.
2. Go to His throne room, seek His face, and wrestle it out with Him (it is also alright to be mad at Him!)
3. Also, find someone to talk to about the situation, pray for an accountability partner that will be honest with you and guard your heart.
4. Trust God for the answer…He always gives one.
5. It is what we do with the answer that grows us and strengthens our faith.
6. Understand that there is a Deceiver waiting to devour us and that all thoughts do not come from us.
7. Tell Satan to flee in the name and blood of Jesus, and He has too.
8. When you can do nothing else, stand on the Word of God. (God will answer His children through the word, and through His voice, when He speaks test it against scripture to make sure it is Him speaking.)

God is not in the business of playing games. He came to bring truth and life more abundant. We sometimes say we don’t hear God or that we don’t understand Him because we don’t like what is coming out of His mouth. God is not like us…

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways,"

declares the LORD.
Isaiah 55:8

Rest in the truth of knowing that you are not a freak or a weak Christian when you question and know that in time all our questions will be washed away in the presence of the Lord Jesus Christ and we will know as we are fully known…

12For now we are looking in a mirror that gives only a dim (blurred) reflection [of reality as in a riddle or enigma], but then [when perfection comes] we shall see in reality and face to face! Now I know in part (imperfectly), but then I shall know and understand fully and clearly, even in the same manner as I have been fully and clearly known and understood [by God].- 1 Corinthians 13:12 Amplified

Better Questions...(and oh yeah! my trip to six flags!)

2007-07-25T10:21:00.000-07:00

I love when God begins to work in my life. Over the last several months I have felt the cold chill of silence in my life, a great hallow chasm began to open up and all my hopes and dreams began to seep down deep into my bones. I felt like I had no direction or purpose and I would plead daily with God to give me the answers I wanted and help me on my path. He has once again begun the work He has set out for me and I can feel it strengthening my weary bones and pressing me on toward the finish line He has prepared for me. How do I know He is beginning to work? Well, I’m in anguish, I’m confused, and I’m excited. I still don’t have the answers to all the questions. I have some answers that I don’t trust…yet! Things I had hoped for so long, and well, they aren’t turning out like I thought they would. Isn’t it just like God to go and answer a prayer upside down and inside out to what you thought or hoped for? I keep my vision of the sun coming up over the glorious horizon and know that as the watchman waits for morning I will wait for my Lord. He loves me, He loves me, He loves me! I must awaken myself to that truth unnumbered times a day. He truly does love me…

God always moves…and He often moves deeply and contrary to how we thought He would. The beginning of this journey started long before the sands of time began, but the moving really started to take place with the anticipation of Mr. Agnew’s 4th album and the upcoming concert at Six Flags on July 21st. Now, many of you know my strong feelings toward Mr. Agnew no doubt. I think everything is under the divine sovereignty of our Lord Jesus and I know that the first concert, where I was introduced to Mr. Agnew, was no mistake. I have my World Vision child from that experience, and I met a man that was striving, like all of us, to seek God’s face. Throughout the albums “Grace Like Rain”, “Reflection of Something”, and “Do You See What I See?” God has ministered to me. In a mighty way. This is not to say that these albums are in anyway divine. They aren’t. They are simply a reflection of Todd’s journey and heart that he has chosen to share with the world through ministry. It is God who speaks through them, not Todd.

“Better Questions” hit shelves Tuesday July 17th, 2007. I was thrilled beyond reason. First, let me say that it is a beautiful album with a lot of challenging and truthful songs, but this was the first album that I could not whole heartily agree with. I grew up on Christian music and reading Christian authors…and I believed every word that came out of their mouth as 100% truth. I have learned through growth with the Lord, that people are human and fail each and everyday. I strive to no longer put my faith in men, but put my trust and faith in the Lord Almighty. In the end the truth stands. It is far deeper than our opinion and it can not be rocked or damaged or hurt by our opinion. It is the thing that makes the dark quiver, it is that which spoke the world into existence, it is the law by which we live by, and the divine hope and salvation that comes from the blood. Truth, in its purity, is unwavering and stubborn. Its foundation can never be shaken.

However, to say that this album hasn’t shaken me up a little is an understatement. I am thankful that Todd is opening the door for questions to be asked. I, for a long time, felt like I couldn’t ask the questions that gnawed at me because I felt like I was betraying God. I struggled with dark thoughts and deep doubt. The safest and truest place you can take those questions is the Lord Jesus. He love us, remember that, and His truth does not waver nor is He too weak or to busy to deal with our questions. I will discuss this later in another post (Qu. Pt. 3 Is it alright to ask?). I think as the body of Christ we do often try to sweep our doubt under the rug. I appreciate song writers like Nichole Nordeman, who says “who hasn’t questioned if this is a man made faith?” or authors like John Eldrege, who say “Question God with both the little and big things?” Some things I’ve questioned God over are…”Do you really exist? – in fact I told Him he didn’t and boy did he prove me wrong.” “Can I lose my salvation?” “What does happen when I die?” “Are you sure that you want me?”…Etc… These crises of faith have brought me into a deeper more personal relationship with Jesus. I will discuss it further in my next post.

The one thing this new album has done for me, it has gotten me to question. It has gotten me to thinking, and it has tested the boundaries once again of my own understanding of who Jesus is. I will not go into detail about the album. I am not here to break down the songs and share my views. Maybe after I’ve worked some things out with the Lord, more than likely not…

I have always prayed for those I care about, whether it be artists, authors, or pastors. I feel we need to hit our knees for these leaders who are being living examples of Christ for others. I think we need to hit our knees in general for others so that we all can be passionate and true in our faith…we are the only Jesus that many people will see. This album has placed me in deep prayer over Todd and the band. It has also just driven me to prayer and the Word. God is using it for His glory. It is both a struggle and refreshing to not agree with everything on a record and yet still feel its impact. I’m not sure I’ve had that experience before…

I trust the Lord for answers, because He always provides them…

Now, the concert. I love anytime that I get to spend with my sisters. It is a blessing always. Today, it was with the “Rocker Chick”. She is a firecracker, zealot, and her passion is humbling, truthful, and profound. She also is a gracious sport to indulge her poor older sister. We struggled the first part of the day. It took us forever to get tickets and we ended up not riding many rides. I’m not a big roller coaster fan anyway, so no worries. Needless to say someone was out to make sure we didn’t have a good time.

I did not purchase tickets ahead of time because it had to be in groups of 15 or more. So, my sister and I left around 9am to make it in time for the park to open. We purchased tickets, asking if their were slots still available for the “Celebration” concert. The poor lowly workers on the totem pole had no earthly clue, so we began to look for those in shirts and ties. We got run around and I bet we traveled the whole circumference of that park at least 3 to 4 times. If I never see the bridge that connects both halves of the park again it will be too soon. They were supposed to pass tickets out at noon, it was more like 12:30…by this time we were hungry, tired, and thankful that at least we had others in the boat with us, and that we knew where we were supposed to be. The rest of the day we spent standing in lines, and finally getting some nourishment in our bellies. When we finally got to the arena, we sat in the sun for 3 and half hours, poor Michelle got cooked, and then ended up going up front to see Todd perform, because there weren’t that many people there (do you think it might be because they didn’t know where to come???)…this has been the abridged version of the story.

So, the performance of, as my sister affectionately calls him…”Toddford”…that sister would be “the Diva”, not “Rocker Chick” that went with me, just to clarify. It was because Michelle and I were there, but the sound system went bust when they started to perform. Todd ended up talking for about 20 minutes while they attempted to get it fixed. In the end, past the few worship songs we did, we got to hear a total of 5 songs. This included “Grace Like Rain”, which I love, but in my opinion really accounted for us listening to 4 songs. All in all God did shine His grace down, and it was a wonderful worship time.

I did wait in line to say something to him, I always feel in those circumstances that I am rushed and things just come out wrong, but he was gracious, and a little uncomfortable. We stayed a little while for Jars of Clay, and then ended up heading home.

In the end…God was working and it was a divine appointment.

I tell you one thing I am so blessed to have a blog in times like these. I have so much pouring through me. I do not expect people to read every word if they read it at all. However, it is just a release to have it out there. More to come…stay tuned!