Reflection of Providence

    I am road weary. I fear this is going to be the norm for a while – possibly forever. I must have lived 1,000 years in a five mile radius. It seems I have lived void of experience and adventure, yet I am painfully old. There is also a fog on my heart, possibly my soul. It is clouding my vision and I feel confused. I cannot put my finger on it. I am uncertain of the ugly sin in my heart. I know the blackness resides and I justify its presence with a warm inviting kiss. Confusion; it haunts and it bleeds in my being. I know God is not a God of confusion, so it must be me? Guilt is a weighty thing. Conviction and instruction are easier yokes to bear. I tried today…In my power…Ever in my power…Never ending…confounding… in my power! Heart racing…mind numb…Jesus, they see the faker. Trying too hard…be quiet…don’t speak…need to look good. God, thank you! Thank you for honesty. Thank you for using the heart of women. Thank you for the questions and whether I receive them

“My ego is like a fortress. I have built its walls stone by stone to hold out the invasion of the love of God. But I have stayed here long enough. There is light over the barriers. O my God… I let go of the past, I withdraw my grasping hand from the future and in the great silence of this moment, I alertly rest my soul.” – Howard Thurman *sigh* Overcompensation *sigh* I so often overcompensate for my inadequacy. I am not sure the plight of man, but I think this is the plight of a woman. Where the idea of perfection originated I do not know, but as a woman I latch onto it with desperation, and feel deeply weary when I cannot obtain the goal. The last few months God has clearly brought my heart around to the fact that I do not have it all together and I never will. Yet, the old tapes play in the background and the need for self-preservation often wins out. Wednesdays are always busy, run around days. I am picking up a child from therapy, a child from preschool, & a child