Reflection of Providence

  “Shall we receive good from God and not receive sorrow as well?” – Job 2:10 “It’s ridiculous how much joy a moment can hold.” – Ann Voskamp   I think back on a defined moment in this journey when my heart felt glad and there were no trappings of the sorrow that bleed in a life that has ever risked living fully. I think and I grow silent. My eyes close and I focus on filling my lungs with air, until the burn, and exhaling slowly letting go of the small stuff which can overwhelmingly be big stuff. My mind clears and I see my “Papa” through shadowed curtain. He is building an early morning fire. His ball cap snug on balding head. I’m all soft and warm. I hear birds sing in the morning. I should shrug off the patchwork memories and greet the day as a gift, but I hold. Still. Watching. “Papa” building sparks to flame – coaxing embers to bleed hot over dry wood. The smell of campfire smoke is rich and heady. It intoxicates, wrapping around my soul preserving innocence.

The soft stirring flutters deep within the corner of my parched soul - a waking feeling as if I have been in a deep sleep for some 30 years. The morning sunlight drips through stoic trees as the gentle wind tickles their tender leaves. The sound rushes quickly & quietly into my ears, filling my body with a tingle of sensation. My eyes blur & focus - catching small fragments of light & color. I have been waiting; seemingly forcing my eyes to keep shut. It as if I have been spiraling further into the darkness of slumber by the shear force of my will; fear has kept me bound in this six feet of space! But, re-birth takes time. It takes falling into the black, trusting that sure strong hands will catch me - trusting that this journey is dangerous & worth it! I stretch my stiff limbs, cautiously testing the strength of my legs... first one foot then the other. Steadily. I stand &, though my legs are shaky, I hold. I survey the canopy above. The light dancing on gr