A Little Something From the Journey!


Oh Lord God, You are my God, and sometimes that feels so utterly unreal to me. You have sustained me and guided me throughout my 24 years of age. No matter how far I ran in the other direction of You, You always ran with open arms when I came back tired and warn out. Lord, please forgive me for those times, and forgive me for forsaking you again and again and again. I have no idea what lies ahead of me on this journey. I know it will be full of sorrow and suffering, mixed with the purest joy my heart can bear. Lord Father whatever twist or turns that lies ahead, I don't even want to see it unless you are right there with me. The whole point of this journey is to follow you. So, I humbly lay my life flat before You, asking You to do Your will, and I promise that I will never forget the cross and nails, and I will strive everyday to take up my cross and bear it. I love you so much. Thank you is not enough.



I am almost committing an indecency. I am trying to rip open the inconsolable secret in each one of you - the secret which hurts so much that you take your revenge on it by calling it names like Nostalgia and Romanticism and Adolesence.

CS Lewis

"Choosing love will open space of immense beauty and joy for you, but you will be hurt. You already know this. You have retreated from love countless times in your life becaus of it. We all have. We have been and will be hurt by the loss of loved ones, by what they have done to us and we to them. Even in the bliss of love there is a certain exquisite pain: the pain of too much beauty, of overwhelming magnificence. Further, not matter how perfect a love may be, it is never really satisfied...In both joy and pain, love is boundless."

- The Awakened Heart, May


Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me everytime. It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

Romans 7:20-23, The Message


1. How aquainted are you with your heart's desire? Take a struggle you've been having with sin or temptation. What are you wanting? Why does it feel as if that object is the only way to get what you are wanting? Can you begin to separate your desire from the object you've been turning to?
My aquaintence with my heart's desire seems to have a very poor connection. I feel it moving deep within me, but when I actually tune in to hear it more clearly I cannot get a clear signal. It is full of static and other stations seem to intefere, and those voices become to powerful for me to hear the truth of desire. I have a particular habitual sin that derives from displaced desire. I think I'm wanting to feel, instead of merely existing. I wanted to be desired, loved, valued, feel worthy, special, and accepted. I also think I do not want to feel this pain. This object is a numbing, it deadens, it is methodical, and allows me to slip away from reality, but once the feeling returns it is painful and more hurtful than before. I absolutely can begin to separate the object from the desire. I have diplaced my desire for Christ, for the life He has for me, on this...
2. Can you make a list here of the things you are truly desiring at this season of your life? What is it you want?
I want life and life abundantly. I want to be in love, I want a passion for Christ like no other, I want to be desparate for Him, I want to run away with Christ, I want to live in the Midwest, learn to ride horses, live and breathe in nature...I want my life to be as full and complete as possible. I do not want stored treasures, I want to be know as I am fully known. I want to run and not grow tired, I want to laugh, cry, dance, play, pray, walk on this journey in completeness, drink from the true well of life, and lay in the tall grass with the Saviour, I want to know the joy of having a child, and what it is like to be truly loved by a good and honest and Godly man. I want it all, I WANT LIFE!
3. And after you've made your list, which of those won't your pursue - and why not?
One sad thing I've learned about myself is that I'm not a natural pursuer. I don't just get up and seize the day. I have to fight with myself, demons, and the world and then go out and begin to seize my dreams. That has left me feeling stagnent and merely existing. I want more so much more. I think I would not pursue, something I didn't write down, my film career, because I either feel that I'm not good enough, and that it is to selfish!
4. Be really honest now: What do you fear will happen if you live fully and freely from your desire?
That I would be laughed at, thought of as a fool, that people would think I could not do it. That I might possibly not find it fulfilling, that it really isn't what I'm looking for in the end. That I would feel exactly same way I do now after these things have been given to me. Oh, how my heart aches!
5. And what will happen to you - to your heart, your life - if you don't live from desire?
In a word I will die!


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