A Prayer!

This is a selection from my "The Lord is My Shepherd" journal that I kept in college...while I was desperate and thirsty and overwhelmed, I'm astounded at how God, well, was there (sometimes I wish I had some of this desperation for Him now, I realize now He was carrying me through this time)...also to all those still in school, I REALLY DO UNDERSTAND...

September 11, 2003
Dear Lord, My Song, My Strength, My Savior,

How beautiful you are to me. I will praise you with every fiber of my body because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your Grace, Your Majesty, and Your Power are three very intrinsic reasons in why I praise. Because you are "I AM" - all things, and you keep my life gently resting in the palm of Your hand. How I love you for that? Because, instead of wrapping myself in my problems I can run to You and have You hold me, I can smell Your sweet Jasmine and Lavendar breath and feel both at ease and rejuvinated as you gently rock me and stroke my hair and assure me everything will be alright!

Oh Father You are worthy of worship and praise and a thankful heart, much of what I haven't given You! Instead I have been inbittered and angry and resentful that I'm having to go through this amazingly difficult and overwhelming time. I know that You promised that You would never give us more than what we can handle within a days time, I also know that every affliction and hardship I face goes through you first - I can't imagine these things hitting me full force - Oh Father Thank you for doing that for me. Also, I know there are reasons to walk in the valley of discontent, sorrow, and suffoction, and that You will bring me up from those and I will have stronger hinds feet for the mountain tops. Even if You don't give me a full vision of why I went through or am going through this - I WILL - I HAVE TO TRUST YOU!

Satan has blindsighted me and then throne me into a tunnel of complete darkness and left me for dead. I am left to scratch at the dirty wet walls screaming until I've gone hoarse and wailing in anguish while licking my wounds. I cannot honestly say if I've even heard Your voice or even tried to...I've been to busy shouting obscenities to You and stuck in the pit of my own pity and rolling in the filth of my transgressions! Oh how desperate I am for Your living water. To hear Your voice so clearly that I don't even begin to mistake it for another. To hear You simply whisper my name would quench my thirsty soul. I don't want to get swallowed up in the politics and busyness of this semester...

I want to breathe, live, escape with You! I want this semester to be a weeding out, a true and painful pruning, so that I may begin to produce real fruit for You in my life - let me celebrate and praise You in this difficult time - let me remember that it is for my good and please stand by my side comforting me through the painful healing process. I don't want everything to be roses if I can't have You, but I do want the Mountain Top and the freedom and communion that will be with You.

I need to be purged. Help me to weed out the evil things in my life...let me not waste one minute - remind me to take a small moment of joy in each day - to relish and be at peace. Also, let me the small pleasure of enjoying this my favorite season, and not be wishing my life away for next fall. (Because who knows it could be worse than where I am right now.) I certaintly hope not though - I WANT TO LIVE!

Oh Lord! I LOVE YOU! Please just keep me sane and let the shot be over soon - I WANT TO LIVE! I don't want to forsake You! I am so sorry for how angry I have been with You. I can't say that I won't ever get overwhelmed again - honestly I still feel overwhelmed. Yet, I know You are with me. PLEASE let me GO HOME THIS WEEKEND! LET SOMEONE CALL AND TAKE MY 4 HOURS..PLEASE FATHER! I potetion your throne room...

HELP ME! I love you...I love you...I love you...I love you! Be with all my friends and family whom I have igonored...I love you! I love you! I love you!...Pray what I have not or cannot pray!

Your Daughter,

I have no idea why God wanted me to share that with you guys. I have pages and pages upon desperation, some darker, some comical, some just plain pathetic, but keeping a prayer journal over the years have given me real perspective in my life. It has allowed me to peek back into the past and see where I've been and where I'm going. If you have never kept a prayer journal I encourage you to do so...please know that you don't have to write in it everyday, but whenever you feel led. You know there were times in that dark period that I did not feel that God was with me, but looking back on my journals I know now He was carrying me gently in His strong arms.

I love you all (still working on my testimony, up within the month:)

*1 Corinthians 8:3: But the man who loves God is known by God.
*My Favorite Verse of all time: 1 Corinthians 13:12: Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
*2 Corinthians 5:7: We live by faith, not by sight.

Quote from Jeff's Blog: "Everything you deal with from tests, papers, frustrations, joys, relationships, work... everything happens in the background of a daily walk with God." (I reflection of everything I've read from other blogs!)


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