So, I'm Weak!

With what shall I come before the Lord and bow down before the exalted God? Shall I come before him with burnt offerings, with calves of a year old? Will the Lord be pleased with thousands of rams, with ten thousand rivers of oil? Shall I offer my firstborn for my transgression, the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul? He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and walk humbly with your God. - Micah 6: 6-8

"Addiction exists wherever persons are internally compelled to give energy to things that are not their true desires. To define it directly, addiction is a state of compulsion, obsession, or preocupation that enslaves a person's will and desire. Addiction sidetracks and eclipses the energy of our deepest, truest desire for love and goodness. We succumb because the energy of our desire becomes attached, nailed, to specific behaviors, objects or people." - Addiction and Grace, May.

"I really could be happy here without God." - John Eldridge

"God must take away the heaven we create, or it will become our hell." - John Eldridge, "Journey of Desire"

So, I'm working on sharing my testimony with you guys, it will be good to stretch my boundaries and start sharing my narrative with others again...but, for now to hold you until I get to that point which will come later in the week, I thought I would purge myself of some of my weaknesses. This is no way ALL of my weaknesses, but in sharing and realizing them I can seek atonment and real change. So, without further ado...

1. I tend to be self-righteous, looking at myself through rose colored glasses, while looking at others through a microscope.
2. This usually leads me to be quite judgemental, especially with fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, I set them apart, and up on a pedestal, that they should know better, and it's hard for me not to judge...and I know that I need to pull the 2X4 out of my own eye first!
3. This kinda goes back to being self-righteous, but I have this great ability of putting my "great Christian" tap shoes on...I'm a really good actor...and flaunting my somewhat "fake" Christianity...I mean you can hear me taping down the hall...saying look at me in all my goodness...the taping is so loud I've drowned out the gentle small voice of the Father, it is all about me, not the AMAZING Savior! I totally lived this in high school, and I still can lay it on thick now, no matter where I am right at that moment in my walk...I'm trying, but Lord I'm not where I need to be...less of ME more of HIM!
4. I'm the queen of white lies...I usually express white lies when I feel like someone might not like me or get mad at me...for example: "I missed you at church"..."Yeah, I was feeling under the weather." When the case was I didn't want to get up and come...those sorts of things. I'm working on it...but it has become so ingrained in me...I desire honesty, but I'm afraid of it!
5.So, I say I want people to be honest with me, but you know what, I really want honesty when I'm wonderful fantastic and amazing, all that other stuff, the bad the ugly,..would you please not step on my toes...when what I really need is a good stomping...PLEASE STOMP MY TOES...I NEED IT!
6. I want people to think good things about me, to a fault...I sacrifice my gifts for acceptance!
7. I'm so LAZY! and the thing is I really don't want to be, but it is almost a coping mechanism...if I just don't do it I won't have to deal with it.
8. I'm a habitual person...I don't drink for this reason...whether it be television, food or whatever...I cope by fleeing to these things rather than running to the Father.
9. Along the lines of Number 8, I am an emotional eater...I hate that about myself.
10. I'm very self-obsorbent, whether that be in a negative or positive way...and I'm just over it.
11. I worry far to much, on things that I have NO control over, which leads me back to my habitual sins, etc...
12. I have or tend to have a bad mouth, but the catcher is I don't want people to think that I have one, all goes back to being self-righteous and concerned with what people think, so I usually reserve my language for the car...also, language, a bad mouth, isn't that big of deal to me...I think I should care about it a little more than I do...
13. Spending money, for me, is one of the things that makes me feel better about myself, I've aquired all of this junk...whatever it be clothes, jewelry, perfume, DVDs, CDs, etc...and I have a firm affection to my objects...it is my haven...
14. Following along that theme...I really like my things and it would be very hard for me to give them up...I know their just things, but their things that make me feel safe...I do want to let go.
15. I have a whole lot of wants...and it is so hard for me to distinguish my wants from my needs.
16. I love to handle things on my own, because I feel like who could do it better, so I have a very hard time saying "help me"...even to God!
17. I like to give things over to God and then take them back, which in the end, isn't giving at all is it.
18. I often give to gain praise!
19. I'm horrible at saying I'm sorry...it is hard for me to admit when I'm wrong.
20. Following along the lines of #19...I really like being right!
21. There are times at work when I don't put my best foot forward, I'll do as many things not pertaining to work, as those that do...
22. I can't say no...it is so hard for me to do.
23. I don't have much of a spiritual backbone, going back to what people think of me, it ends up hurting my witness.
24. I have very little patience in general! (please no one pray for patience in my life...not good)
25. My commitment to God comes in waves, focusing on my quiet times...it is like, as my Pastor says...I tell God I love Him and then say I'll see you next month...now this would go over well if I told my husband, "love ya honey, but I'll see you next month"...I think that I lose sight of how lucky I am to have a personal intimate communion with the God of the universe...and the price that was paid...

On the topic of the rug analogy...it is amazing to me when someone actually allows God to pull the rug out from underneath them. I tend to look around, and am like, oh no who moved my rug, and then I get the hammer and nails from the drawer, pull the heft of the rug back in place and hammer it back down in place...oh yeah! did I mention I'm not good at letting go...I haven't figured out how to do that...I think God's gonna have to get some gasoline and matches..."an I'll remain here in the ashes"...

God bless you all so much. This whole blogging thing has allowed me to look at myself in ways that I never would have. I have had the opportunity to meet these amazing sisters and brothers in Christ...I love you all...my cup, well you know, overflows!

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