He Is My Portion!

"Two things I ask of you, O Lord; do not refuse me before I die: Keep falsehood and lies far from me; give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, "Who is the Lord?" Or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of my God." - Proverbs 30: 7-9

An Excerpt from my Lord is My Shepherd Journal:

November 19, 2003

My Gracious Lord,
My Beloved Savior,
My Redemption and Mercy Giver,

Oh how my heart aches when I think of what I did to you last night! You were aching to spend time with me, to love me, to teach me, and I longed for that as well. However, I turned my back and chose a lesser easier road that left me feeling more empty and worthless than I did before! I feel in my heart of hearts You were trying to protect me from that, but once again my older more well-worn path was simpler. I am so very sorry and I truly seek Your forgivness for what I did!...

...Oh Father! How I desire for my feet to be back on the exciting less traveled path with You! On the adventure, but it is as if the life force has been sucked out of me therefore my will to even try sometimes is futile! I feel so terribly lost!

And I don't want after this devotional to feel like everything is all right, all is forgiven, I'm right where I need to be. Everything is hunky dory! I also don't want to feel opressed and bleak. I just want to feel something real, I want to feel YOU!

What an absolute gift you have given me in this day! Oh how I praise you!...I love you so much Lord and I lay everything at Your feet!...

Yours Always,

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." - Proverbs 19:21

"If I could hear Christ praying for me in the next room, I would not fear a million enemies. Yet distance makes no difference. He is praying for me."
- Robert M. McCheyne

"Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ." - Philippians 1:6

"He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away."
- Raymond Hull

"I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord!" - Psalm 27:13

"If you cannot be a poet, be a poem." - David Carradine


I'm sitting at my desk at work with very little ambition on a Saturday morning to do anything of real substance, so I thought I would write a little bit about what God is teaching me. It is so strange, once again, how subtle, yet how powerful God can be in His teaching methods. I just woke up one morning and felt that if I didn't start making some real change in my life, after all my Pastor says that the definition of a fool is somone who does the same thing over and over again and expects a different result, then real change would never come. Now, I'm not saying that once this tiny revelation was made everything fit together like a puzzle piece. My human flesh is still screaming at me, and sometimes the food of this world looks so apetizing I can taste it...but in the end, those small mundane things that I do everyday in my life, those things that you don't think will make a difference, but in the end they can make the biggest difference in the world, I am trying to change.

I want to make Christ my portion. The desires that I feel, those things that I think will fill me up, in the end are simply hunger pains for Him. Why can't I see that fully everyday? Why do I have to be so forgetful? Why do I lose sight of Him so easily? He is the only One that can truly satisfy the longings of my heart, nothing or noone else will...ONLY HIM!

My desires for the world have gotten a little out of control, so this is what I have started doing. In my brief encounters with God over the last two weeks, for I am sad to say that I have not had a quiet time everyday, I have learned some great imprintable truths. I am reading a book intitled "Emotional Purity", and I've realized that emotional fornication runs rampant in my soul. I have aloud my thoughts, my actions, and the thoughts and actions of others to take pieces of my heart that are meant only for my husband. After 10 years or so of this thought process it is very hard to erase old tapes and write something new, and to be honest I don't always want to. However, Christ is my portion! So, like a half eaten lollipop, which is far less desirable than a fresh one, I hope to dip myself into the Wellspring, get a few extra layers of coating, and become shiny and new, a delictable treat for my Prince Charming (Jesus)!

Let me just share two things that I am doing, and I ask that you will pray that I continue to do this. One, I am attempting, and I just started this week, to Prayer Walk my store. My place of work is my Sanctuary throughout the week, and that is what I want it to be. Second, often times at night my defenses are down, and I will fantasize about things I should not, this not only destroys my purity and worth, but it does a great diservice to the person I'm fantasizing about, even if they have no idea that I'm doing this. So, I've begun to pray for that person. (Yesterday I failed miserably at this task and daydreamed throughout the day!) I haven't gotten much sleep this last week due to this, but it has worked!

I have just come to realize that I only have one life to live, and you know what this is it! In the end times it won't matter who I have a crush on, or who liked me, or how pretty I looked on this day, or how many people adored me, or even what I accomplished, in the end it matters if I had enough Love in my Heart for the One who created me! He is the only one that I should be concerned with. He is the only one that I should be considering, the only One who's thoughts, desires, and dreams I should be concerned with. So, I ask in closing that you pray for me concerning this. Know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers.

(On a side note there is a lot of things going on in my life, things I could be worrying about, but Christ is my portion, Christ is my portion, Christ is my portion!)


Anonymous said…
Amen, Melissa! Your honesty - very refreshing.

I will be praying for you.
Klaymen said…
people like you guys crack me up!

Guess what, only 144,000 people will make it into heaven, according to that ridiculus book you brain washed cristians read, and the odds are your nose just isnt up jesus's ass far enough.

Besides most of the bible is contradictory, and makes no sense at all.

But hey, there are alternatives to you religion, Like worshiping me, Im great, I can fly, and you guys don't even have to give to a stupid donation box every weak. Cause priest sure don't have any problem putting a pricetag on love of your lord and eternal salvation do they.
Melissa said…
Thank you Gayla...you are a blessing!

Klaymen, I doubt that you will ever traverse the pages of my blog again to read my comment. When I first read yours I honestly got mad, my first honest to goodness instinct, but then I realized that you just didn't know any better...

First, I love how you put all of us Christians in such a lovely lump sum of crazy uneducated lunatics, it was really appealing to me to see how open-minded and thoughtful you were.

Second, where in that "ridiculus book you brain washed cristians read" does it say 144,000 people will get to heaven. For, I know no where in the Bible where it says that!

Thirdly, I do not serve a God that is so egotistical or self-righteous that I feel the need to have my nose up is ass, as you so elequently put it!

Fourth, what is it about the Bible that is contradictory, have you read it from cover to cover?

Fifth, I actually think I would like to see you fly, giving to God is NOT a ticket to heaven, and I apologize if you have experienced otherwise, we are human after all.

Finally in closing, you seem to have a lot of rage on this subject, for I don't really understand you coming onto my blog, reading my point of view, and lashing out in such a complete abbrasive manner. Mind you, I welcome all forms of communication on my blog, but honestly Klaymen why do you care what I believe, you honestly have your opinion no matter how unfounded it is.

In closing I shall leave you with a piece of scripture from that contradictory ridiculous book that has brain washed me...

"It wasn't so long ago that we ourselves were stupid and stubborn, dupes of sin, ordered every which way by our glands, going around with a chip on our shoulder, hated and hating back. But when God, our kind and loving Savior God, stepped in, he saved us from all that. It was all his doing; we had nothing to do with it. He gave us a good bath, and we came out of it new people, washed inside and out by the Holy Spirit." - Titus 3: 3-5

(Please don't mistake the God I serve from some well meaning all it be human beings!)
fofinha said…

You ROCK OUT girlfriend.

You know you are in my prayers constantly. You are so where God wants you to be and I know He is glorified by what you are doing for Him. You make me want to get up and dance before the Lord. Thank you for all your words you set forth.

Melissa said…
Oh My Dear Sweet Friend, Thank you, My Cup Overfloweth...you make me smile soooo big!
~Kat said…
Melissa - anything I say will be a devastating understatement, so I'll make no attempts to match my words to this post's wonder and simply say, "Good Post."

Further, your unexpected guest's comments - our Bible tells us that he will think this way:

"The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned." 1 Corinthians 2:14

Our Bible predicted such behavior. Our Lord knew we'd face this kind of opposition:

"Blessed are you when men hate you, when they exclude you and insult you and reject your name as evil, because of the Son of Man." Luke 6:22

Finally, bringing their face before the Father in intercessory prayer is the only true effect we can have on those who choose to deny Christ. You planted the seeds with your post, otherwise, he/she would have kept out of it. Obviously, your post landed right in the middle of a conviction of his/her spirit from our Father, thus, the outrage and vehement denial. This probably means that you wrote this post in obedience to the voice of God, for which I commend you and thank Him - otherwise, God would never have led him/her to your site and Satan never would have attacked so powerfully.

How exciting that God is working through your blog and your life to plant seeds in the lives of strangers. I admire the tenderness of your post and then also the strength and resolve upon which you stood when confronted. Good girl.

Much love to you, my sister.
Melissa said…
Kat, I feel that I need to take a moment to respond to your comment. First let me say thank you dear one for taking the time to respond with such generosity and honesty. Let me say that, yes, it was completely God. I was feeling sort of out of place, and my thoughts kept going to this place that I'm trying to acheive in my walk (I might add that satan has compounded me 100xs more and I've failed somewhat miserably this week)

Thank you for the truth in scripture that all of us will face adversity, frankly someone coming onto my blog and saying how they feel, no matter how abbresive is very mild compared to most persuction Christian's have to face, and I welcome it anyday!

Intecessory prayer is indeed the only way to bring souls to Christ (and Klaymen, I know you will dislike this very much, but I'm praying for you anyway!)

Thank you for saying my response had strength...I did not want to come off as harsh or ill tempered! I wanted to be honest, and call out lies where I saw them.

Much love to you my sister...you have made my cup overflow early this morning!
~Kat said…
Well, Miss Melissa - I say that your response had strength because I know you personally and know that you wouldn't have been screaming those things harshly, but looking Klaymen dead in the eyes and just spelling it out for him.

Hope your day is getting better. Don't forget to Pray Walk today.
Bouna Antonio said…
Dear Melissa,
You want to make Christ your portion. You are hungry for Him.
This is a sign that He touched your heart. Your heart is wounded by His love. You can never look back.
Temptation is always there.
Remember the Egyptians who pursued the Israelites to bring them back to slavery. Moses reassured his people saying, 'God will fight for us' and the sea was split in two and you know the rest of the story.
God called you, Melissa, to get out of your past. You followed Him with great zeal, but now, the shadows of your past are pursuing you. Be not afraid. God will fight for you. Keep moving towards the "One" you're dreaming of. This one is Christ. You will encounter Him. He will satisfy your hunger.

At the moment, you can't see that fully. You forget. You lose sight of Him. Sometimes you wonder: "Am I on the right track?"

You will find Him. The more He delays, the more Peace you will get when He comes, the more graces you can share with others.

Eat the manna. Eat His Body and Drink His Blood. Let Him be your Portion.
If you do so, you become in Him and He in you.

May God's will be fulfilled in you.
Angel Anthony
Melissa said…
Thank you Kat for your confidence in me, you know one of the things I have been striving for is a Spiritual backbone, I'm striving towards that...you are a light of truth in my life.

Angel Anthony, there are not words, simply and truly not words, you tapped directly into the vein of what I'm feeling...100%

God will fight for me, and yes the residule phantoms of my past haunt me endlessly...God is fulfilling me through your words...thank you, I'm actually at a loss for words...I WILL LET HIM BE MY PORTION, LORD LET IT BE!

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