What Am I Doing With This Journey?

Alright, so you know when you set out to do something and feel like God is telling you are on the right path and you get very excited about the situation, and you feel like things are lining up nicely, and while it is hard to let go of some things, you know that in the end you will have a closer walk with the Father and that is all that really matters. Well, for all of those who read my last entry those things are all still so true, these are the things that I still am striving to achieve, but lets just say that over the past week satan has come in with forgetfulness (like forgetting to pray walk the store) or allowing my head to be so full of ridiculous scrolling vivid thoughts that I just want to shut the projector off. I've found myself distancing myself from people this week. I didn't even come to work on Tuesday because I felt so bad. I mean I am having some physical issues, but a lot of it was emotional. Now, I'm not in a dark place, I'm just sort of frustrated with the situation. It is almost laughable because I should have known this was going to happen. I wasn't going to share this entry, in my new and wonderful journal that makes my heart so happy because it is so beautiful, but I feel in all honesty that I must. Here is what I wrote about 15 minutes ago...

What am I doing with this journey? Wasting it on fantasies and dreams of grandeur? There is no desire in my bones to stop this mindset, I've journeyed to deep. My very maro is consumed with it. Why does God put up with me? I wouldn't put up with me. Sometimes I wish I could simply quiet the madness in my head for about 15 minutes. Oh a delicious man with eyes as green as the grass of his native land haunts me. What can he offer me but more pain and disatisfaction. Why do I pierce him with my thoughts...how I bleed prayers for him I pray are not hallow. He truly is just another infatuation, but "to the puppy it feels like love"! God I seek your purity from lust and other sinful flavors of this world. Yet, my hunger grows and I dive deep into the sensual flavors that surround me! Oh how useless it is to feel favored by one who is adored by so many. However, I am favored by one who was scorned by many, and set the foundations of the world twirling on an imaginery axis. Again I ask, wind out of my sails, what am I doing with this journey!...in the distance I hear a loud war cry from MY WARRIOR...I do not fight alone...and again I am reminded that He is my portion!!!

On a positive note I also wrote my first little blurb of fiction in a long while. It felt so good. I know that God is doing a good work in me. I know that I'm right where I need to be, there is a strong balance between the rubble that I've created and the foundation that is being revealed as the rubble gets hauled away. I'm grateful to see what God is going to build in its place, and I hope I can keep my hands out of it. So, I go back to my question...what am I doing with this journey? The only thing that comes back to me again and again and again is trying not to waste it, trying to sustain it, trying to live life to its fullest! I feel like I'm moving in slow motion, and work is very stagnant right now...but, I know one day a rose will bloom. I'm grateful that I'm leaving for a long weekend. I'll be traveling to Nashville and then to North Carolina for my cousin's wedding. I'll write more when I get back. I also have my vacation pictures, I'll try to post some of those as well!

Take care all you dear ones....MY CUP OVERFLOWS BECAUSE HE IS MY PORTION (did you like how I combined those two mantra's together beautifully ::HEE:: HEE ::)


Becca said…
I feel for you my girl and I love you more
Gayla said…
First hope you have a great weekend and that you experience some refreshment!

I think the journey is all about ups and downs. It's kinda like this - in the same way that we can't know grace if justice and wrath don't exit, we can't know happiness or delight or joy if we didn't know pain or suffering or desperation. Does that make sense?

And in so many situations of spiritual dryness or trials - that's when we experience God in such a supernatural way. A time of real growth and change.

Anyway, I'm praying for you, and really hope you're weekend went well.
Melissa said…
Thank you Becca and Gayla, my heart is full, especially because of your kind and understanding words Gayla...I'm on the cusp of something BIG and I so desperatly don't want to run from God, but into His amazing will for my life...I can be so selfish, so self centered...I learned so much during this weekend and through this wedding...so much that I'm so full with emotion...Lord you are my all, I'm SO sorry for what I've done to you, Oh Father HOLD ME! Thank you for this crazy beautiful world of blogging where I can bear my soul...

Love you all!
Gayla said…
Glad you're back! Looking forward to your next writing. :)

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