I'm In Anguish!

Well, that was the first thing I was going to right about today! I was going to pour out my soul over the troubling things that happened to me over the weekend! I was going to roll around in my anguish and spread it like a plague throughout! I was feeling lower than pond scum this morning. Tormented by my circumstances and I felt like screaming at the top of my lungs for some relief. However, in reading the blogs this morning I have been humbled, inspired, and realized...once again in an almost painful realization that it truly is not about me! Am I still in anguish, well yes! Are there still some things that I need to let go of...Yes!!! However, God applied salve to my wounds when I asked for it and I'm humbled and amazed by it!

Thank you to my dear friend Mary K for being inspired by the gracious hand of our Lord to write such blessed things about me, things I don't even deserve to be said about me, and then thank you to Gayla, Kat, and Becky for adding to the list. I am left speechless and humbled and running through my head how I could ever feel unloved or abandoned....EVER!

Thank you go Gayla for her undying servants heart and fortitude in the face of this great disaster. Thank you Father for the encouragement I derive through her giving. She is not only helping those you have called her to serve, but she helps me through that testimony of a broken people!

Thank you Jesus for Kat...for her just being her and being a daily source of encouragement for me, through her blog, her passion, her voicemail's (you started it :), and the all around great person she is...

Thank you Father for the medium, the freedom of just letting go with the written word, and then low and behold having people comment and give their input on what you have written. I find it strangely comforting and theraputic!(msp) Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Thanks to Mustang Girl for having such a great praise report on her blog that it made me literally clap my hands with joy!

Thank you to everyone who chooses to read this! Thank you Father for being you and for never leaving me no matter how far I run away from you or remain silent...WHENEVER I turn around and call your name you are there for me! I love you beyond measure...

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Thank you Lord for allowing me to write that first....

I feel that the anguish I was feeling this morning was strait from the throne room of satan, for I did cope with my circumstances in an unhealthy way and made them about me!

Oh Lord Jesus,

I praise you for your mercy that is truly new every morning. I am in anguish...and you know the thoughts, the frustration, the anger, the recentment, the sorrow I felt over my circumstance this weekend. I have felt the wave of oppression from the evil one and I've allowed the crushing weight to weigh heavily on me. I was offered the bitter cup from the deceiver and I drank deeply until the rancid liquid coursed through my veins and the putrid smell seaped through my pores. You know the anger and resentment I still feel for this person, and how I have felt justified in it. Lord, Father teach me to love this person...teach me to find love in my heart...where only anger and bitterness reside. You know I've written this person off...I know this person is broken, I know that they need Your healing touch...Oh Abba! I cry to you....this event over the weekend has brought up so much, like a bomb throne into a lake, the dead things in my life have started to rise...and they stink, and they are from the pit of HELL! Oh Father, I'm like a dog chasing it's tail. It is about YOU, not ME...ME...ME! Oh Lord why can't I keep my eyes on You...I was mad at You this weekend as well...I'm just consumed, the weight is to much. I leave whatever I have, and it isn't much, (so I leave a candid photograph of this little girl), and ask that you use me, make me so much less, so that you can be so much more. I thank you Lord for allowing me to rant, and that even though those who read this won't understand fully they will pray for me. Thank you Jesus! I love you!

Yours Completely,
Melissa

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I know this is a long post, even though I can't go in great detail, there is a family situation that arrose over the weekend that is very severe. One of my family members (not anyone in my very immediate family) attacked me...or rather satan attacked me through this person. I was very emotionally distraught at first, followed my anger, and then this morning was faced with anguish. I have basically written this person off...they are very sick, and basically my thoughts, and I'm going to be very honest, are that I don't care if they die and I wouldn't even go to their funeral! They are dead to me!...Oh Father, I know my thoughts are from the devil...prick my heart and change my attitude! ...so I ask that you guys pray for me...and pray for my relative...for they need it more than me!

I love you all and thanks for letting me rant!!!!

Comments

Melissa said…
Just a side note...for anyone attempting to call me...I will not be answering today or tomorrow...today because, well, to be honest I don't feel much like talking, and tomorrow I will be at a conference...I will return any calls on Thursday! Love you all!!!
(you can always email me!)
~Kat said…
Melissa - I know what it feels like to write someone off, but if people in my life had written me off and not prayed for me, would I ever have come to know Christ? Story-share time:

A man I know who is now my friend once saw me walk into a building on campus (last year). Two guys were with him and one turned to say, "That girl is a freaky lesbian."

The other guy said, "No she's not - she's bi - she's slept with half the people on this campus."

The man didn't say anything to them but instead thought that I was a lost cause - that I would never know the love of God.

When he met me again this year, and I gave him a business card with a scripture verse on it, he was ashamed of himself for believing that I was so far gone that even God Himself couldn't bring me back.

"What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should be lost." Matthew 18:12-14

Father, I ask you now to visit Your spirit on Melissa's heart, Lord. Father, show her Your grief and sorrow for each lost heart and God, expose the hearts of those she feels are lost causes, God, and show here within the pain and suffering they are going through without You. Thank You for being merciful, Lord, in showing us beauty as well as suffering, and for holding our hands through all the lessons You teach. We love You, God. In Jesus' name, Amen
Melissa said…
Thank you my dear sister Kat...I am blessed beyond measure to have you in my life. I remember reading the story that you just shared with me on your blog and was compelled to tears at the amazing hand of God. Thank you for not backing down from your honesty, Lord knows I needed that fully in my life. Thank you for the thoughtful prayer. I will let you know that this person is a Christian, but I feel that many of these persons choices have caused a strong demonic hold over them. In the end I can't give up on them because they are family, and I think because I've loved, and worried about this person so, that the actions that were taken out on me hurt so much!

A thought came to mind...that my family has so many deep rooted horrific generational sins that have just been passed down from one another...Oh Lord please protect me from that and my children and my sisters and their children...it has to stop with us! It is painful to see these things so manifest in their lives...it actually makes me sick to my stomach. Thinking what my own Mother has had to put up with, what we've had to put up with...I don't know.

How is it that you can love your family so much, so beyond words, and yet those are the ones that can hurt you so deeply? Is their some hidden message in that? I'm not sure.

I really didn't mean to go that deep!

Lord Father...thank you Jesus for my sister Kat who always brings me under your will.

I love you sweetheart and I thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Becca said…
In reality traumatic things are inevitable. It may take time but please please realize this... and I dont mean to be forward or brutal but this is what needs to be done: You absolutely need to come to a point where you can just fervently let it go. "Let it go" are the three most most MOST important words that you could EVER live out.

And this is my prayer for you.

Not only do you need to let it go but you need to come to a point where you can pray for this person, no matter what horriffic things he/she has done to you.

Dont think that I dont care, I do. Just please heed this warning: If you do not let it go, it will eat you alive until you do. The Father calls us to hold loosely, and he will teach you the lesson over and over until you get the point, each time more severe then the last.

I love you and will be praying.
daisymarie said…
Thank you for sharing your heart.
Melissa said…
Becca,

Thank you for your honesty...I know that it will eat me alive if I don't let it go, and you know I've really been praying over it the last few days and I can feel the grip of the trauma letting me go. I always respect you for being honest and I know that it comes from a good place. Thank you for your careful and caring thoughts...

Melissa

Thanks Tina for dropping by and for commenting...it was my heart at the time and I appreciate you seeing that!
elias said…
writing is ranting in a sublimated state. your rantings are grrrrreat!
bjk said…
We'll listen anytime.....praying BIG BOLD prayers for you....
Melissa said…
Elias...thanks for stopping by and giving your thoughts...I appreciate the complement.

Thank you Becky...I don't know where I would be without all of you!

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