Living in a Broken Dream

She clutched nothingness by the jugular while her meager vessel cut through the shimmering glass of this placid sea. Pouring out memories of reindeer hooves, campfire songs, chilly night swims, delicious sunsets, the kiss of a sunrise, and the unexplored passion of a first kiss she attempted to stay afloat above the throe. Her leaking paper cup wasn’t fast enough; spilling more back into the shell than desired, working feverishly she didn’t even notice the shore or the silhouette…a man reaching…reaching for her…

I’ve been dealing with the lack of feeling lately. That is the best way to describe it. My safe harbor is my mind, which incidentally is also a war torn land where great battles are fought and often lost. However, I have found a safe haven amongst the mortar blasts, debris, death, and devastation…a comfortable sort of numb that allows me to contend with my hallow dreams and broken heart. Like a cracked vessel that stands in front of the light she is to reflect rather than turning her face to it, afraid of how she will burn…I’m only half glowing. I’ve struggled with this numbing and coped the only way I know how, until it bulged to capacity and I took a sharp object to prick the pressure. The water that washed over me was neither cleansing nor comforting, but left me raw and caused me to retreat back into the numbing in order not to feel the pain.

I’ve lost my ability to cry again…to feel emotions that are real. It hurts and scares me to death. I don’t want to go through another long period of not feeling. I’ve been through that once. I thought I learned my lesson, but I’m realizing that I’m relying far to much on my emotions again to get me through. Trusting them to much, wanting them to sustain me. So, Father keep them at bay as long as you must as long as you keep me in sight and help me not to lose sight of you.

I have had several conversations with many of my sisters and a beautiful email (which I have yet to respond to) was sent to me and it shared about broken dreams. Gut punch!!! It was so profound and so powerful that you could have blown me over with a feather. Isn’t that the culmination of all this “crap” (Layla glad you like my phrasing of that)…that we are all living in a broken dream. How do we contend with that? How do we deal with that? If you are anything like me you empty yourselves out in your work, spending time with friends, attending church functions, and this time of year not stopping for one second to revel in what Thanksgiving and Christmas really means. There is a reason each year after Christmas day that I get the sorrowful feeling in the pit of my stomach…a lonely ache if you will that can’t be explained or wished away. It is as if my whole dream for this year has been shattered, so I begin planning for next year, picking up the pieces and categorizing them into neat concise piles until I’m able to breathe a little more freely! Round and round we go where we stop no one knows…

So, in the end how do we stop this vicious cycle…it certainly isn’t more bake sales and tea parties…more tasks upon us! How do we deal with our broken hearts beyond hooking ourselves up to an IV drip of Morphine to anesthetize ourselves to the unbearable heartache of a broken dream? Is a broken dream still worth living? Is this how it was always intended to be? Yet, we still burn in hope…

The topics that have been racing in my mind per my evening with Teresa haunt me:
The mind is a battlefield
Guilt
Calling Death on ourselves and others
Loving Jesus…hating Christians
Loving with your time
Really Living
Upside Down Hinds Feet
Storing Manna
Etc…

All subjects I hope to talk about more, in the end all of these topics can be curses or blessings by how we deal with broken dreams. In fact dare I say that broken dreams are catalyst for many of these things…

I’m 25 years old and I live with a broken heart, and a great part of me has resigned myself that this is the way it will always be. That I will always feel my life is half lived. I hope that a man will fill me up, but I know that he will never fulfill me completely. I hope that having a successful career will fill me with all the excitement and joy I could imagine, but I know how easily I get bored. I hope that traveling and educating myself will make my life richer, but I know how I use it to make others like me or feel better than someone.

I mean go look on your shelf right now and see the rows and rows of books you have that are supposed to make your life more fulfilling and more worth while. Look over the lists of devotionals and journals you have kept…read what you wrote. If we were completely honest they hold no more than what we would love for someone to read about us if they should pick it up and turn the cover. If we really wrote the dark thoughts that resided in our mind down we would feel ashamed. Yet, we feel guilty don’t we if we don’t do our daily devotional and read this passage of scripture. Is this living a fulfilled Christian life? When we are in Heaven are we going to open a book to have communion with God? He gave us this life, isn’t it supposed to be used for more. I mean I eat because I’m unhappy with myself and I’m unhappy with myself because I eat to much. I call down death over myself because I dwell on the negative and bar the very blood from my soul.

I could go on, but I think I’m going to force myself to stop because I could get off topic and I really don’t want to do that. If it is true that we live in a broken dream, then I ask you how do we live with that? Is there a way to change it? Or is their a beauty yet to be found within the broken dream?

Please check out my unfinished work, a work in progress if you will, called Heart Sins, which is a culmination of all this thought progress. I also ask you to pray that God will deliver me out of this numbness and dare I say that I will ALLOW HIM TO REFINE ME!

“The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.” – Isaiah 58:11

Isaiah 58 is well worth the read!!!

Comments

Pilot Mom said…
Melissa, I believe there is a lot of confusion about what constitues an abundant life. Really, the abundant life is found in the pursuit of God-honoring holiness. It is holiness...the humility of spirit, the mourning over sin, the hungering and thirsting for righteousness...that will produce in us that happy blessedness that Jesus spoke of in the Sermon on the Mount. Abundant life is life that is freed from the power of sin and filled with the power of the Holy Spirit, focused on the pleasure of God and resting in His love. Our true happiness and abundant life springs out of setting our eyes, our hopes, and our desires on Christ and keeping them there.

If it is your heart's desire to live a faithful Christian life to God's glory, walking in Christ's promised abundant life, you won't succeed in your goal if you start with yourself as the center or focus of life or if you start with human philosophies as your guide. You must begin, Melissa, at the right place, with God as the source and meaning of all life, with His glory and pleasure as paramount, and with His Word as the light upon your path and the only guide for life.

Abundant life can be yours because you have a loving shepherd who is watching over you. He has provided a lush pastureland for your nourishment; He has given you living water; it is He who restores your soul.

{{{Hugs}}} to you, dear friend!
~Kat said…
Melissa,

I'm on my second day of reading this and still have no idea what to say. I know it won't be carted off with speeches, hugs, roses, cookies, food or even well wishes and blog entries - but all of these are little grips on that next rung of the letter, beautiful one.

If I could pump goodness and wonder into your veins, I'd drain my own. All I can say is this: God doesn't banish you to the wilderness to perish, He lures you there to whisper sweetly to you. Listen.

I love you.
Carol said…
What Pilot Mom said.

And I'd just add that everyone has a God-shaped hole inside of us. If we try to fill it with anything or anyone else, it just doesn't fit. Whatever you're trying to fill that hole with ... be careful that it's not some other god/idol.

Maybe it's because it's so heavy on my mind that this is the second blog I've made this comment in, but we can NOT trust our feelings. "The heart is deceitful above all things ..." Jeremiah 17:something. We can ONLY trust God and His Word. The enemy manipulates our circumstances to bring us down, to try to get us into despair so our faith will falter and we will sin. Sin separates us from God. That's the enemy's goal. Faithlessness leads to sin, sin leads to bigger sin...

If you're not in study and prayer, get there. I'm lifting one up for you as soon as I get past your word verification thingy.
Carol said…
It's the next day - how are you doing?
Pilot Mom said…
Let's hear from you, Girl Friend! :)
Melissa said…
I'm doing really wonderfully! God is faithful and never forsakes us! Pilot Mom, I totally agree that abundant life is found in the arms of the Great Shepherd, and His rod and staff do greatly comfort...but are we mean to live with the Great Shepherd in a broken dream, or does He manifest a whole and complete dream here on earth...or are we just sometimes, like you said, confused about what constitutes an abundant life!

Kat - This really stuck with me: "If I could pump goodness and wonder into your veins, I'd drain my own. All I can say is this: God doesn't banish you to the wilderness to perish, He lures you there to whisper sweetly to you. Listen." Thank you dear one, and I have truly felt you prayers that I would hear and I've equally dealt with the advisory trying to destroy me...God is workin' :)

Carol, you know I'm an emotional gal...I weigh my life heavily with emotions...that is why God has given me dry patches in them...it just hurts when you think you've learned a lesson, but haven't...God is Soveriegn and His Kingdom is gonna come! I am in study and prayer...but I don't want it to be out of duty or I'm going to close my ears off to everything that the Lord has to say, I need to do these things with a pure heart, and be honest with myself when I'm not!

In the end I appreciate all the encouragement. I know I sounded pathetic, I think I sometimes come off that way and don't mean to...I really wanted more talk on living in a broken dream...Do you guys feel like you are living in a broken dream, or am I the only one? What do you do with that? Is it something that is even supposed to be fixed? I don't know...God's sorta stumped me, but there is nothing that is hidden that won't be revealed...

Love you all oooodles!

Just so Carol and Pilot Mom know...I rarely check my blog over the weekend...so sorry I have been late in getting back with you.

Kat...if your still feeling up to it...I will see you tomorrow...we are having Shepherd's Pie!
Pilot Mom said…
"...a broken dream. How do we contend with that? How do we deal with that? If you are anything like me you empty yourselves out in your work, spending time with friends, attending church functions, and this time of year not stopping for one second to revel in what Thanksgiving and Christmas really means. There is a reason each year after Christmas day that I get the sorrowful feeling in the pit of my stomach…a lonely ache if you will that can’t be explained or wished away. It is as if my whole dream for this year has been shattered, so I begin planning for next year..."

Hmmm...perhaps you are planning too much? Why not take the time to slow down and enjoy Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years etc...reflecting on what is good...then, instead of planning 'dreams' why not wait and see what God has planned? Then you can await with anticipation and excitement rather than disappointment because your plan didn't materialize. I'm just thinking here, Melissa...I may be off base since I really don't even know what your dream is.
~Kat said…
Honey- that's the voice of the accusor telling you that you sound pathetic! You sound beautiful and needy - and I love it! Because I need to be needed!
Melissa said…
Wow Pilot Mom, Don't plan my own dreams just wait to see what God's dreams are for me...yeah...probably what we all should do huh! But we are a people that want what we want when we want it!

Kat- Pathetic once again wasn't the right word...I was trying to make a more blanket point with the post and it became very personal to those reading it...well I guess that is what I get for laying myself bare, I'm not saying its a bad thing!
Gayla said…
Did you get my e-mail, missy?
curious servant said…
It is ok to have more questions than answers. In fact, as we get older I think that an active mind will have many more questions than answers.

You are working courageously through the events of your life.

Fear not. He is near.

Thank you for your honest post.
Becca said…
eeeew Shepherds pie... that stuff is gross :)

I guess my words would seem merely childish compared to all these ladies, (rightly so, I'm just 15 of course) :) but I guess I'll make mine short and sweet.

You can do it because if I can, you can.

*hugs*
Melissa said…
yes Gayla got your email...

Curious Servant...I'm going to visit your blog when I'm more fully awake...thank you for the wonderful words...

Becca...Shepherd's Pie is delicious...your words are valuable...and well,, the end!

Popular posts from this blog

Aslan

Let Me Share My Narrative With You (His Testimony!)