Yahweh Show Me the Kingdom!

Where I'm at now?

I’m feeling like the skin doesn’t quite fit. It feels a little tight around the middle, a little cutting and binding. I wish to loose the binds that tie me down and run free…naked in wild flowers. I’m struggling with ordinary and searching for extraordinary, seeking the adventure in the ordinary is so hard sometimes. It traps and binds and makes you feel you are in a repetitive cycle that will surely never end.

I’ll admit I’ve been living in my own little campground in my mind. However, my minds walls no longer seem as safe or trustworthy as they once were. The façade is surely beginning to crumble and the Son’s light seems to be peaking through and piercing something deep, scattering the darkness that lies within this hallowed ground. The damage I see is raw and painful and frustrating. It is a realization of the Kingdom I have tried to build on His foundation. I have tried to squeeze His will comfortably into my life, when what He has asked of me is to fit my life into His will.

We don’t get to fit Jesus into our lives…He is either Lord of all or not Lord at all. He has asked me to lay down so much, and has begun to teach me the abundance found in Him. The darkness from being outside of His will is beginning to be replaced by the salt and light of His undeniable truth in my life. My fears are abundant, but I’m learning that the only thing to fear is truly fear itself. I wish that I could run and hide in the safety of those things that used to hold me so closely and close my ears to Him, but my bones are screaming with the truth that is shut up in them.

I was in the grocery store the other day doing some shopping for my parents and I began to notice something about myself and others. How completely closed off we are from contact with each other. How I will literally avoid eye contact with someone for fear of either rejection or the chance for intimacy. We were made for fellowship and communion and Satan swallows us up everyday by making us busy, afraid, and unwilling to put ourselves out there. There is a sea of hurting and dying people and we can’t even look them in the eye. Are we afraid of the kinship we might find there? As I left, I was completely and totally frustrated with myself. God had given me a wonderful opportunity for fellowship. He was abiding in this grocery store, walking among us, waiting to see if anyone would see Him. Who knows who I was entertaining unawares.

To put it quite bluntly I’m just ready for so much more. In the midst of being reminded of what Christ did for us on Calvary (WHY WOULD WE EVER NOT WANT TO LAY DOWN OUR ALL FOR HIM, SERVING HIM TOTALLY) and listening to Bethany Dillon’s new album “Waking Up” I began to realize how dead I have become. It is like Elijah growing depressed after the huge victory the Lord and Him had over Baal. I’m reminded that God took care of Elijah in this time, and that He spoke in a whisper (1 Kings 17-19). This is precisely how I feel. While I didn’t call fire from Heaven, God has brought me to a place of growth within the last six months, something I see that He has been working on over the last several years, and renewed my faith and trust that He is Lord over all, and well…to be quite frankly the rush of the battle and the realization of the victory has sort of depleted me. I feel like I’m at square one, and not understanding why things are unfolding.

I can look back across my life, and especially over the last months and see how God’s hand has been divinely on my life NO MATTER WHAT! It is incredible how He has brought me to a place of working with children, provided stability and loving parents, and grown my faith in abundant ways. I don’t know how to explain that in detail, it would take to much time, and it would be a story for a back porch and lavender tea. However, here I am again on a precipice. I know He will provide, but I feel I’m owed my due. Two of the biggest things that God is teaching me are to keep my mouth shut over certain things, and that He is getting ready to pour out His blessings down.

So, in the wake of all of that what is my real desire, deep down in the very marrow of my soul? Well, it is to step back and let Him bring a wrecking ball to the Kingdom I’ve built. Destroy it to the ground! Then, I want my cry to be…”Yahweh, show me the Kingdom!” One blessed thing I’ve realized is that as long as I have breath God is growing me, teaching me, and showing me new layers of His mystery. There is not enough life to unveil all that He is, but praise God that…”we shall know fully, even as we are fully known.”(1 Corinthians 13:12)

I WILL LIVE AN EXTAORDINARY LIFE, NOT AN ORDINARY ONE! I want to shatter all the fears and self doubt and, even though painful, bloom! The cost of not blooming is far greater than the pain of blooming. I have a fire for people to know the truth of Jesus.

You know the eloquent words in my mind and heart often come when I’m driving down the road. As I was listening to Bethany Dillon God was unfolding a tapestry before me of what He desired in my life. The words were rich and thick and powerful and for some reason I cannot recapture them tonight.

Oh Father God,

You know my comings and my goings, my beginning and my end. The ember of that day in the car is fading from my frail and inconsistent memory, but You hold those truths as you hold me in the hallow of your hand. Jesus there is so much junk that needs to be pruned from my heart. I want to be ready…ready for the blessings and equipped to carry the burdens. You know the very core desires of my heart. Jesus, I want my Lover’s reflection to shine through me. I want the portrait of a woman flushed and full of grace in the presence of her Lover to be prevalent in my life. My desire is…You! You know my thoughts, those secret places that I keep far from scrutinizing eyes. I feel things so deeply Lord and I get so confused sometimes in the truth of the matter. I know that we both come at this very differently, and I pray that I learn to develop your point of view on things. Will you call me your beloved? Am I still what you desire? Is there a purpose for my life? Help me see your glory manifest in my life…let me be fully alive! Yahweh, show me the kingdom!

Your Beloved and humble servant,

8For each time I speak, I cry aloud;

I proclaim violence and destruction,

Because for me the word of the LORD has resulted

In reproach and derision all day long.

9But if I say, "I will not remember Him

Or speak anymore in His name,"

Then in my heart it becomes like a burning fire

Shut up in my bones;

And I am weary of holding it in,

And I cannot endure it.
(Jeremiah 20: 8 & 9 NASB)

7 Show Your marvelous lovingkindness by Your right hand,

O You who save those who trust in You

From those who rise up against them.

8 Keep me as the apple of Your eye;

Hide me under the shadow of Your wings,

9 From the wicked who oppress me,

From my deadly enemies who surround me.
(Psalm 17: 7-9 NKJV)

Yahweh - Eternal, self-existent "I AM" who brings all things into being. Master, sovereign Ruler, and covenant-keeping Mighty God.

Lord, help me to fulfill the purpose and destiny you have for me!


bjk said…
it would be a story for a back porch and lavender tea

sounds delightful...really and until then praying
Pilot Mom said…
Melissa, I LOVE your pic! You are so beautiful. I'm so glad you posted it. Now, I can put a face to all the feelings/words that I read. :D

Yes, why would we not be willing to lay down all for Him?! I am always willing UNTIL...until something "psuedo" better comes along. *sigh*

Great post!

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