Questions Pt. 1

These are the beginnings of a list of questions I answered when I was really struggling about 6 months ago. These are things I still battle. I honestly thought these would be tucked away and never see the light of day, but just be a personal reference for myself. As I was re-reading them I was compelled to share. It is difficult for me to be this vulnerable, but I pray that they touch your heart...

What do I really believe? Can I hold this Christian thing as true? To answer this honestly is very important. It is also a little scary. For to be truly honest is to search deep and see if I really believe…I’m not talking about the Christian faith that I have made for myself, with the safe cushy boundaries that allow me to dream, be selfish, and get all the little desires of my heart all wrapped up in a neat little package. No, to say ‘can I hold this Christian thing as true’ means to look at it as what it is, NOT SAFE, MUDDY, DIRTY, GLORIOUS, SCARY, FANTASTIC, DEEP, REAL, PASSIONATE, living my life before the wild and unfettered God that I claim I serve. God is not safe, nor did He promise to make all things rosy, (34"Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. – Matthew 10:34)…The Lord is jealous, and His heart is for me. In the end to say ‘what do I really believe’…it is easy to say of course I believe in this Christian thing, of course I hold it true…however, I only think I am touching the surface of who this God is and what He requires of me. I’m so selfish and I still desire things to go my way, after all that is how He will show His real love for me, right? Sometimes I’m actually not all that sure that I can hold this Christian thing as true. I wish I didn’t have my doubts, but just as the people in Malachi asked, I’m asking God, “Why don’t you love me anymore?” – When He is saying I have loved you all the while, why don’t you trust that and love me and let go. I don’t know, I just don’t know, I’ve gotten lost on this road, and I want a promise that everything is going to be alright.

What do I believe about God, salvation, and His everlasting promises to me? Well, I can accept that God is the Creator, and that Jesus (fully God, fully man) came down to save a wretched soul such as mine, but the everlasting promise to me… sort of gets lost in the fray. I also get lost in the fact that I can’t lose my salvation; I have to have done something so terrible that God doesn’t love me anymore. Why can’t I just do the things I need too. Why can’t I just memorize scripture, not desire the world, and know His voice when I hear it. Salvation isn’t about me; in fact it has nothing to do with me (Ephesians 2: 7-10). God – in my heart, He is the one who lovingly and creatively knit me in my Mother’s womb, He loves me beyond all that I could ever do or ever look like or ever accomplish, He wants my heart, and seeks me each and every day, it breaks His heart when I am not willing to heed, and just rest in His promises, just letting go. Salvation – it is a free gift, a blessing, it is a wonderful thing to know that you are fully loved, it is a difficult thing to admit you are a sinner and can do nothing about it, it is even more difficult to realize that sin doesn’t disappear after your salvation. His everlasting promises to me – well, I want what I want when I want it. I’m struggling in this area probably more than ever. I am beginning to realize I do NOT know this God that I serve and I need to seek His face, dive into the word, get some background info – Help Lord – and figure out what I really and truly believe. I am seeking Lord, help me to find!

How do I view Christ? He should be my husband, the only one, there is no other. He is the Lover of My Soul, my Savior; there is no other that could possibly love me more. Yet, I don’t want Him; I want my other desires to be met. I think somehow I have forgotten the road; I’ve lost what is the most important. I’ve forgotten who I am married to. I need to run away with Him and discover all the complexities of who He is and why I serve. I have forgotten why I serve. I’ve forgotten, or maybe I never knew, what He requires. Do I believe, Yes, and help my unbelief. I’m struggling. I want Him to be my all, but somehow I want to lead it to what I want. In the end I want to live so authentically that I don’t have to think, okay what can I get out of this, who will be looking, how will I be lifted up…I don’t want me, me, me…I want Him, Him, Him! I do, but I don’t, and I have no idea how to rectify this situation.

Do I really want to serve? If it gets me to where I can be happy, if it leads to the desires I want. I’m not saying that my desires are bad, after all God put them there and he does say, “Whatever you ask in My name, that will I do, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask Me anything in My name, I will do it.”(John 14-13-14) He longs to give us the desires of our heart. But, sometimes we don’t know our own heart, and we think these things will make us sooo happy and they sooo won’t. Do I really want to serve? First, I have to figure out what that means. Where I’m going? I want a passion. I don’t want to half attempt anything anymore. I want to be complete and true and authentic. I don’t want something to come along, me get all flustered about it, and then, just evaporate. I have the great tendency of running until my passion for it dies and then I don’t strive it anymore. I want to find a passion that makes me feel alive each and everyday. Of course there will be things within it that make my heart sick and my bones weary, but I want to serve, serve in my bliss, serve where God is for me…no one else.

Dear Lord,

It seems I have been 100% psycho here lately. I wish I could say that I truly believe, that I trust you and the promises you have for me, that I view you as my sole husband, and that I really want to serve. I just think I’ve somehow got lost on this road. I mean I look back on the abundance you have given me, but I realize I’ve never asked the question or even realized I needed to question who is this that I serve, am I willing to put Him first. Lord, you know that you are not first in my life right now. I’m not sure if you are even in the Top 5. It is almost like a candy machine, I’m hoping that I get something in return for what I put into it. It is a cheap way to look at it. I feel that there are demons that are in me, and at work within me. Lord, please help me to cast them out. Reveal to me who you are and give me a real authentic passion to serve. My prayer is that your Word will come alive to me. I feel so dead and numb, and ill inside. I still want what I want. I’m not ready. It isn’t time…now isn’t the time, place, or space. I do love you, but it is an idea of you that I have placed in my mind. I need the real you, no more imitations, no imitations. Am I real, I feel fake…HELP! You are God and I am not.



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