Questions pt. 2 (Marriage)
What do I think about marriage? I’ve always wanted it. From very early on I have dreamed of children, family, and a loving husband. It has consumed my thoughts, been a HUGE part of my life. However, it has often eluded me. I’ve watched others enjoy love and marriage, and family. While, I’m very happy for them, it does leave an ache in my soul. I have felt like marriage would just fix everything, finding that earthly someone would just make all things better and I could begin life. I have thought that having an earthly man that loves me would complete me and make me whole. NOTHING completes me except Christ. He is all and all and there is not replacing it with a substitute. My husband would quake under the demands that I have placed on him. I am striving to change my thought processes…to see the truth…help me to be the wife that I need to be and not worry about the time or place…help me to prepare and be ready for this amazing Godly man that you will be sending me. Help me to focus on you and the desires that I have may lead me to your cross.
Will marriage really save my life? You know how sometimes you can be so blind to something that what you see you believe to be absolute truth, even if it is complete and total darkness. I have often on more than one occasion believed that marriage would save my life that I’m a freak, and I won’t be complete or able to start living until I’m married. I’m in the thick of life right now, here is the adventure, here is the time for the time of my life, and here are the steps to become a great an amazing woman. Here is the chance to fall so head over heels in love with the Savior that He consumes me and I don’t know what else to do but worship and serve Him. Here is the time to prepare myself for my husband and that is truly a very exciting time. I’m actually getting excited about this as I’m typing. I pray that the Lord will guide me to where He would have me to truly be in Him.
What do I want to get out of it? I want everything. When I get married I want it to be God-appointed, not self-appointed…I don’t want it to be the rock that rolled across my path, but the passionate willing striving man that God placed before me to be my helper, sustainer, warrior – reflection of Him. I pray that I can be caring, compassionate, giving, pure, honest, loving and allow him to feel the heartbeat of the Lord, that I will be his Eve as she was meant to be. I want our marriage to be a safe-haven for each others soul. I want us to drive each other to the cross, I want us to battle together, and I want us to raise our children passionately for the Lord.
What do I plan to give to it? Just in the last week I have realized that I have nothing to give to it, I am in no way ready for marriage. I always thought that marriage would come and I would just be ready and it would all make sense. Well, how wrong I am. Beyond accepting the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal Savior this will truly be one of the biggest life choices I will have to make. I have to have God in this 200%. He has to be my focus, not the romantic earthly love I so seek. I want to be equipped to give my all. I want to be able to love my husband, stand in the gap for my husband, give more than I receive to my husband, show God’s heart to my husband, help my husband be driven to the cross, be full femininity, be virtuous, be holy, be pure, be honest, be helpful and not crippling, not to be a nag, but a true support. Allowing him to shine as a man…allowing him to be a man. Lord, Lord, direct me, help me to learn what I have to be and then become it fully, while guiding me each step of the way. I will go, I will do, and I will serve. You are in control…if I’m 40 or 100 before I get married – let it be, let it be…let me be complete and whole in YOU!
What will I do if I never get it? Frankly, I’m just no there yet. If it doesn’t happen I know that God will get me in a space of growth and truth for that period, He will prepare me for the singleness journey. He will give me new desires and bless me in abundant ways. I do know that while I may go through more dark times for this, that I will NEVER quit serving, or loving, or seeking God. He is the reason, the reason for it all…our hope is of HEAVEN! HEAVEN is where my thoughts should reside.
You know the desires of my heart Lord, for you have placed them deep within me. I would love to find my husband this year, I would love to know and prepare the path, know the journey, the steps, and the ways of where I am going with him. There is also a great fear, and realizing I’m completely and totally not prepared for him. When he comes I don’t want the beds not made or the house of my heart not prepared. I want to have the beds made, food on the table, warmth in my heart, and be completely prepared to take on the task emotionally, physically, spiritually…every aspect. I want an adventure, but what I have to realize is that getting married isn’t the start of neither the adventure nor the end, but I’m in the midst of the adventure right at this moment. This is what you have made me for such a time is this. I am NOT spinning my wheels, I’m not existing, and I’m alive…alive, full and complete. Lord, change my heart, prepare me, and help me free myself from worrying about this aspect of my life. Help me to allow you to take the wheel and totally and completely revolutionize my thought process on this, and trust you completely and in your timing. I ask in my heart for these things…come quickly Lord. Help me to keep my thought heavenward and my fulfillment at the marriage supper of the Lamb, when I shall be the glorious bride to the glorious bridegroom. That is what it is all about. I believe help my unbelief. I love you beyond compare; help me to believe it and to act on it. I’m sorry for where I have failed you. I want a passion for you and no other. I know right now my brain cannot think clearly, please help me with that clarity. I LOVE YOU!