I'm Still Here...

There is a great fear residing in my heart…what if God doesn’t show up when I seek Him! I’ve put Him through it…why does He still seek me and love me? His ways are TRULY not mine. I have to quit rationalizing Him in my finite mind when He is so infinite.

This VBS was probably one of the most AMAZING I’ve ever had. First, the material was sound and the backdrop was a Hawaiian theme, which I LOVED.

We learned that God was real and there was no other God, Jesus is God’s Son, Jesus is the ONLY way to Heaven, the Bible is God’s Word, and our actions reflect what we believe. I had first and second graders. They were a treasure and taught me so much.

In my fear I’ve been procrastinating in my journey forward. There have been enough signals in my life that have shown I need to start taking that next step, but I feel like I’m hanging on a precipice. I’m terrified…which leads to old thoughts…which leads to sin. It’s easier said than done to take the plunge. My sister gave me this awesome quote by Oswald Chambers:

“It is not only wrong to worry, it is infidelity, because worrying means that we do not think God can look after the practical details of our lives, and it is never anything else that worries us.”

It cut like a hot knife on butter to the very core of me. I’m terrified to see what God is going to do, I’m also afraid of jumping and finding Him not there. I’m afraid to try because of failure. I also know that if I don’t take the plunge I will surely die. I will not make it in the stifling situation. I can give others such good direction, good courses of actions, what God would have them to do. I do not understand why I cannot take my own advice.

The most beautiful thing happened the other day. I needed to go for a walk because last week, with VBS, I had no time to do so. So, I did. We had been having some bad weather and it was even thundering, but I plunged ahead. I had made it half way, and I was listening to my MP3 player and talking to God and as I turn the corner I’m staring the darkest cloud I’ve seen in a long while dead in the face. I’m suddenly faced with the reality of the terrible wonder of God. While it was breathtaking and all inspiring, it was also very scary to realize that I was all alone and was literally walking in the direction of what could have possibly been a very ugly storm. The sun had been playing in-between the clouds, and I had been praising God for that. I expressed my fear to God, and then said, “Lord I’d just rather bask in your sunshine. In that moment the sun came out strong, and by the time I got up the hill the dark cloud had moved beyond me and the sun stayed shining brightly on me all the way home. It was the most beautiful gesture, and I realized that in the face of the storm He is there.

Before VBS I was having a very rough time and I went outside to spend some time with the Lord. I was praying and seeking, and striving. I grew quiet before the Lord and began to pray to hear from Him. All though I did not hear direction a beautiful breeze blew up and I caught the most amazing sent of the roses and other flowers in my Mom’s rose garden. It was absolutely God. The wind hadn’t been blowing like that before that moment, and I hadn’t even noticed the smell of flowers.

The Lord has definitely been making Himself known, if only I can trust in those things…


Let my desires whither and fall, so that I might bloom more richly in the glow of your sunlight. Teach me to be humble and always fragrant before you. Keep me away from temptation and in the midst of it to stand firm. I do not want to leave a legacy of doubt and fear in my wake. I want to leave Your undeniable sent on everything I touch. May you consume me, may you rain down upon me, may you force me to move to greener pastures. I’m ready for the next step, help me to take it, and help my hurt, anger, and unbelief. Let it not be about me, but you. I LOVE YOU!


Psalm 25


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