Praise God I'm Rambling Again!
There is a pulsing within my soul; the need to put quill to paper, to share my thoughts, my heartbeat, and the very essence of my soul through the written word. As is often the case, when I pull away from the Lord, turn my heart from His still small voice & retreat into my own desires & self-righteousness my creative word flow ceases. I sit down; fill my quill with ink, and…nothing! Draft after draft inevitably ends up on the floor. Nothing sounds right to me. Every grammar error is screaming at me. I feel I have no talent whatsoever. In the last year I have gone through an extremely dry spell. It isn’t one of the most barren lands I’ve visited during my writing venture, but dismal nonetheless. I think it is because this time I didn’t care. I was slowly growing accustomed to my new surroundings. Abandoning any hope of people growing, learning, enjoying, and being moved by what I wrote. The terrain was rugged, the sky a purple hew of perpetual twilight (which is indeed one of my favorite times of day), shadows silhouetted in shadow - everything taking on this unearthly feel to it. Then, last night I wanted to write. I wanted to write so terribly that I went into my office, fired up the computer, and set to type. All the delicious, wonderfully warm, articulate things that had been rumbling through my head all day were screaming, “Let me out! Let me out!” My fingers hovered over the keys. My mind strived to make the creative juices flow. It was if those juices simply oozed out my ears and evaporated before hitting the floor. I was devastated, frustrated, and mad!!!! Tonight in my Quiet Time (I shudder to think the last time I had one of those ;) I was reading some of my journal entries. I keep a hand written journal for my most private musings & when I just can’t work my heart out on a stale computer screen. When I need the tangible feel of rustling pages, ink stains, and crisp paper smells in order to feel alive. In this moment I felt my heart coming to life. I knew that I must write. I must come in and put whatever my thoughts were down – immediately! It did not matter whether they were right or wrong. It didn’t matter if the grammar was atrocious (it will always be atrociousJ). I wanted to write! I had gotten mad that I couldn’t write last night (a huge step from just me being lethargic matter on my couch)! God is moving in beautiful amazing ways in my life right now. He is awakening what was once dead deep down inside. He is stripping the dragon skin from my weary bones. It hurts like hell, but feels so good coming off. I fear slipping back into the lethargy…the pitiful mote of apathy! However, I don’t want to stop this journey. I want to turn off the death tube & put forth the effort of falling in love with Him again. I want a passion and zeal for Him that I have never had before. He answered the simplest prayers over the weekend. I stood in awe of Him for doing this. Why do I doubt Him? This ancient of days…the beginning and end to all things…the great mystery! He cannot be contained! He cannot be formulated! He is I AM! I’m trying to wrap my little brain around this, trying desperately to grasp Him. Why does the ancient of days keep me in mind? More than that, why does He even desire to commune with me? I found a little piece of paper tucked in the back of my journal. This is what I wrote: What is God up to? Oh how glorious that He calls us to the wilderness to live. Oh that His mercy is fresh and new every morning. When fear falls on me as thick & tangible as night, in the sun’s first glow my heart will rejoice even if my body is broken & bruised. Oh that I would remember the cost to follow Christ. We are called to live in the valley. The mountaintop experiences are just a good viewpoint to see where the work needs to be done. We don’t need to do work out of duty, but out of our passion & desire in our Lover’s eyes. Oh to reclaim the heart of worship, to rekindle the flame. Oh to be wild at heart for Christ… Yep, I’m rambling again! Praise God I’m rambling again!