The Things I LOVE! Pt. 1 (The Rant of a Curly Haired Woman)

I truly feel life is a journey. When I say I like the road curvy & the windows rolled down, I mean that. This life is a deep wonderful adventure to be experienced with the Great Creator. The Lover of our Souls wants to take us to depths we have yet to go. We can sail the high seas, leap buildings in a single bound, move mountains, be a part of the Sacred Romance, with little more than the faith of a mustard seed & a willingness to follow. There is also a Great Deceiver. The liar and his cohorts seek out the spaces of our hearts that are most vulnerable. We can easily replace adventure for monotonous living. The day’s drudgery of “we musts” quickly overshadows playing tag with a great lion. The day to day grind numbs us. We are frankly bored. We don’t see the big scope. The great an amazing love story unfolding before us. When we get into these spaces it is easy to doubt God. I mean how can you trust something you don’t heartily believe in. The world becomes reality…blurring the vivid rich scenery (the battle, the fight, the adventure) into a dismal, less than exciting, “why in the world would I want that” sort of thing. We reduce Christ & what He has to offer us as binding, controlling. We, like a lemming, have jumped head long into the world’s philosophy…dimming the very reality just beyond the thin veil. After spending a lovely day with Sophie yesterday I came home, finished cleaning my house, and watched WAY to much television (I’m now calling it the death tube). It was so much television that I became sick with it. My brains were hurting. I felt numb & “What’s the point?” was coming through loud and clear. It was all too much. I’m ashamed to say I hadn’t even studied my Sunday School lesson (praise God gave me a wonderful class anyway!). I was trading death for life. Oh, how it sometimes feels SO right. As is often my cycle. I often reference one of my favorite parables: The Prodigal Son. I cycle through being “The Prodigal” & “The Son Who Stayed”. I can relate to both so intricately. I can feel their pain, their hurt, their fear, their anger. Oh yeah baby! I’ve lived in those shoes. It hurts my heart at the cycle of my life. I’m not sure what it is. I don’t know why I deal with it. I go through long boughts of apathy. I don’t give a #*%@! I want it my way. I’m afraid of what God will ask me to give up. You can go on my Blogger account and read entry upon entry concerning this very thing. You can look in my journal and read the self-loathing, fear, heartbreak. It’s all there in black and white. Dang introspection! Then, I feel the pulling of God in my life. It really hasn’t ever left (I fear the day it does). I’m just really good at ignoring it. I start awakening to the heart of who He is. Realizing I could live in a story like “Lord of the Rings”…that I’m truly part of something epic. He is the grandest storyteller. Everything from nature, to literature, even other man made religions are trying to articulate who the “Lover of Our Souls” is. I love the phrase “Ancient of Days” to describe Him. It carries along with it a deep and reverent meaning. 12 I have revealed and saved and proclaimed— I, and not some foreign god among you. You are my witnesses,” declares the LORD, “that I am God. 13 Yes, and from ancient days I am he. No one can deliver out of my hand. When I act, who can reverse it?” -Isaiah 43: 12-13 “As I looked, “thrones were set in place, and the Ancient of Days took his seat. His clothing was as white as snow; the hair of his head was white like wool. His throne was flaming with fire, and its wheels were all ablaze. – Daniel 7:9 It has been a deeply painful and difficult year. I have gone through all kinds of health issues. I’ve struggled with direction. I’ve taken on new responsibility. It has been scary. I have never felt so utterly alone or dealt with my own mortality as much as I have this year. I’ve dealt with anxiety, fear, uncertainty, anger…more anger…more fear. A cycle that has left me not quite myself…a little left of center. It has also been a deeply rich year. I have gained a new independence. Learned that I don’t crawl under a rock and die when change comes along, & that life is ultimately about this wonderfully painful change that comes to all of us. I’ve gotten over myself a little bit, learned to be a little more comfortable in my, sometimes to tight, skin. A lot of regrets of what I haven’t done with my life have surfaced, and I’m just beginning to mourn them & realizing that there is still much to be done & it is not too late. My goal for the Spring is to begin volunteer work…a burden that has been on my heart way to long. I’m also looking to take steps to being the most honest, real, flawed, deeply passionate, in love with Jesus person I can be. I think I’m beginning to scare some people. I’m laying off this idea people have…the real me is harsh, but it is authentic & it loves deeply. Someone commented after I shared that I was in a mode of simply not caring that, “I was brutally honest!” Well, I have to be…I have to be brutally honest with myself. I’ve lied to myself long enough. This is what gets me into these situations in the first place. Unless I’m completely honest then I cannot be authentic in changing and growing and loving and being what I like to call the “Complete Christian.” Derek Webb made the statement that we only discuss the 5% of stuff that makes up Christianity. He was seeking to dive into the 95% of stuff we don’t dive into. I’m in agreeance with this statement. Over the last few years God has rocked my world & my beliefs. I have a different world view…hopefully I have a more adequate God view. I’m often frustrated when Christian believers cannot discuss their beliefs without having to be morally superior. I always feel like I have to argue my point. In the end I’m learning to just close my mouth, listen, speak when I feel it necessary, & pray that God continues to shape and transform all our lives into the likeness of Him (because I’m not going to change someone’s opinion). Wow, I’ve gotten truly off topic. I had planned to discuss the things that move me. The things I love. The things that show me the footprint of God. Maybe I’ll have to make this a multiple post blog…first comes the serious disturbing rant followed by the light and fun love!!! Although I don’t really think love is light and fun. In fact it is messy, bloody, deadly, sorrowful, powerful, moving, and life changing. It will take you places you never asked to go. Ask you to do things you would rather not…it will change your life, overpower your logic…as Andrew Peterson sings, “Love is a good thing!”

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