Front Porch Journey

My heart was drawn to my front porch this evening. I was beckoned by the crisp night air & the ever changing sky. I chose three half read books, my journal, The Voice New Testament, & a Taste of Home Magazine. I lifted a silent prayer as I sat on my ever sagging front porch bench. I was transfixed by the wonder of the moving painting above me. The birds sang their song in delight. Loud exhausts fired & died under gentle fingertips. Neighborhood children ran & played & giggled this fine May evening.

I was restless. I had attempted with all my might to avoid this trip to the porch. It had been over a month since I had a proper date with God. I didn't want to have a date with God. I was scared of the disconnect. I was uncertain if the only thing I would hear were the birds chirping.

I read about the "ontological density" which is "the lack of deep groundedness of being" in my Ransomed Heart Newsletter. In the simple Newsletter God met me. He often does with John's thoughts. I am SO disconnected. I'm not plugged in. I choose to unplug the connection I have with Christ. I choose to forsake my marriage bed with Christ and go whoring about. It is an unending exhausting cycle. In my feeble & desperate need to connect to feel alive, I attach myself to all the wrong things. These last weeks it has been the show "Sons of Anarchy"...especially the character Jax.

Jesus said, "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free" (John 8:31-32). Most folks know the last half of the verse (the truth will set you free) like they know the second half of John 10:10. The truth doesn't set you free until you 1) know it, 2) hold fast to it, and 3) put it into practice. The greek is menos my logos; abide in, make your home in, be grounded in my embodied truth. It is disciples, Jesus says, who are set free by truth. A disciple is someone on their way to groundedness. - John Eldredge, Ransomed Heart Newsletter, May 2011.

Jesus still met me...even though all I've been doing is putting Him on the back burner of my life.

The next thing I picked up was my journal. I have been re-reading my entries. I came across this one from 2007:

Everything I'm feeling about my life right now...
Confused, scared, uncertain, hopeful, restless, desiring more, seeking, searching, praying...

It is so funny how life works. Especially a journey with Christ! I grew up in church so the knowledge of Christ, or at least the version of what others believed, was always a deep part of me. When I gave my heart to Christ at thirteen it just seemed like a natural progression. My journey has been very cyclical. I have been swallowed up in the same fears and habitual sins. Just when I think I've laid them at His feet I'm reminded I'm still holding on. In fact, I dare say that some of these things have been en grafted into my being and can only be removed through surgery by the Lord Jesus himself.

In the last year I have gone through a great deal of change. The dreams (those big ones you just pray you can chase after, but deep down know you are lying to yourself) I held onto have just sifted through my fingers...a chasing after the wind. It was hard at first, but I'm thankful for the journey I am on now even though I have no idea where God is going to take me.

These last several months with all that has happened...the ugly doubts and fears have been re-surfacing in my life. The fear of salvation - am I living for self or God? Do I really have a home in Heaven? What does God really see in me? What is my purpose? What do I think about my life right now?

I know that many of my hopes and dreams are about me & not Him. I'm not sure what sovereignty looks like in my life. I keep waiting for the journey - the adventure. I think my idea of adventure & His are a little different. We come at this differently. It is NOW! My life is NOW!

He continually asks me if I really do trust Him. He has been testing the boundaries of what I believe. I know that He wants me to quit trying to figure out what is going to happen in the future and live in the simply allow the future to unfold like a beautiful mystery!

After nearly 20 years of following Him I'm still amazed at how He meets me. I'm still humbled that He wants to. I'm angry that I still want to live for self. I'm angry I can't have my cake an eat it too.

As I was walking back into the house (the home that God in His infinite wisdom knew I needed) all these thoughts were running through my head. Beautiful, eloquent words were flooding my brain, overloading my senses. I had to put quill to parchment. I had to feel the rush of letting it all go. I'm frustrated that something keeps blocking that process for me lately. As soon as I sit to write the words fly away...the memory of their sweetness leaving an unending ache in my soul. coming!!!!!!


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