The Etching of A Friend!

(I wrote a previous blog with this title, but I've decided to sort of ignore this particular journal entry & re-write my thoughts currently.)

I fear rejection. I know what you think of me. I can read your mind. I'm an extremely internal person. It is so difficult for me to let that wall down & let others in. I deeply desire intimacy, but often shudder at the thought of what I will have to do to get it.

The fear of being too much or not enough echos in my mind. I tend, once I've tasted a small drop of intimacy from someone, to go overboard. It is very difficult for me to find a balance.

Nonetheless, there is a deep yawning need for intimacy in my life. I just need to be me - all of me. I need that person to love all of it - the good, the bad, the ugly! This I have found with only a precious few!

I love to encourage. I love to give. It is far more comfortable for me to listen, to give, to be an encourager, than it is for me to extend myself. Putting myself out there, being vulnerable with another person about the dark complex layers of my soul is extremely scary. I don't necessarily need someone to fix it. I'm not always in search of advice. I need a safe space for my heart to be. It is hard to continually put it out there only to have it squashed. However, like the Sara Groves song "Like a Lake" states, "I will hold my heart wide open, like the surface of a lake...wide open like a lake."

I would say those who know me best are my two sisters. Even then, there is a lot I hold back. I keep things just under the surface. However, they are deep blessings to my soul. A safe space for my heart to reside.

God has seen fit to give me a few blessed "soul sisters". Those sisters of a different Mother. You just know you had to be separated a birth. They get me when I ramble incessantly. When together, we rarely touch the surface of pleasantries, but instantly go deep to the root. It's rich, powerful, almost to much. It is a vulnerable, deeply rich & intoxicating thing to be known that deeply. Just simply to be wanted...to be valued. That my pains, hurts, joys, laughter, & tears are important is an indescribable feeling. In these moments I see God. I see His love manifest in these beautiful earthly beings so masterfully created. That I get to see a small glimpse of glory through them is a gift of the highest cost. I love when a relationship changes you - makes you a better human.

My fear can get the better of me. The last thing I would ever wish is to be is a bother to anyone. I never want to be judging or untruthful. I truly feel my purpose on this earth is to love and encourage. I desire deeply for individuals to see their great worth as creations of the Most High. I want them to understand the TRUE character of God & how He is the utter definition of what intimacy looks like. I want people to live from their heart...to live from JOY! God is taking me on this wonderful journey. I want to be as real, honest, and open as I can be, but I've also come to this deep realization that not everyone is going to want me to be that.

It doesn't take long to etch out what true friendship is! It's saying you are the most important thing to me right now. I'm making a Heaven memory this moment with you. We are choosing to laugh, to cry, to curse, to praise, to get to those hard to reach & painful layers. If I can be completely safe in those soul moments when my heart is exposed, all is on the table, & nothing is hidden...it creates the most beautiful painting on the wall!

I need to be needed. We all do!

I have a friend that loves me. She calls me far more than I call her. She always tells me how beautiful I look. She understands when I talk about boys. She'll share in thinking someone else is cute. She gives these little goody bags to me that mean more than she will ever know. She just enjoys sharing the same space with me. It is a wonderfully delicious place to be. I love her dearly.

I have a friend that gets me. She just absolutely loves me for who I am. "Lovin' a person the way they are that's no small thing...that's that's the whole thing!" (Sara Groves). She'll send me a text to tell me that she has prayed for me that day! She listens. She listens. She listens. It is such a huge thing to have someone really listen to me. She is always honest, but sensitive. She is open to my thoughts & ideas. I am completely convinced that we could change the world if others would just listen to us ;)

Then I have a friend who appreciates me. She appreciates the girl time we have together. We close down restaurants when we go out. She shares her journey with me so openly & honestly, and then, you know what she does? She makes it a point to ask about my journey! She makes it a point to explore those dark & beautiful facets of who I am. It is an extremely vulnerable place to be. It is a lovely safe secure place to be. I appreciate her more than she knows.

There are people in this life that just get me. They don't judge me. They simply love me. I find this with my best friend since high school. We just love on each other. We encourage one another. We do life with one another. She knows the ins & the outs of who I am, yet she still thinks I'm a pretty amazing woman. I think she is super-woman. She is a wonderful wife & Mommy & she gives of herself daily!

My sisters, as I've mentioned before, are just my solace! We may not always agree. We often come at things differently, but I think we have a wonderful respect for each other. We have those delicious change the world talks. They are the most complex, beautiful, amazing women I know in my life. I truly would take less in my journey to see them have more. Their complexities, strengths, & weaknesses are breathtaking to behold. They are all in all...CAPTIVATING women. I'm so thankful that God fashioned us together.

The "Etching of a Friend" is a lifetime process. We are constantly growing and evolving. As women, we need to love, encourage, and support one another. Tell each other how beautiful, funny, & smart we are.

Let's look to God as our guide to fellowship with one another!

"Love not of you, love not of me, come hold us up come set us free...not as we know it, but as it can be!" - Sara Groves!

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