The Mystery!

I see my faith before me
It’s always there before me
And I can no more own it
Than I can own the road that I am on.

I don’t know where it leads me
I don’t know where it leads me
Peace and resurrection
Suffering and dejection
I don’t know.

And my body’s tired
From trying to bring you here.
And my brow is furrowed
Trying to see things clear.

So I’ll turn my back to the black
And fall
And wait for the mystery
To rise up and meet me.

-Mystery, Sara Groves

There is a distinct reason why this brilliant woman is one of my favorite artists. She has a genuine and simply honest vulnerability that cuts to the core of who I am. Her music is like a bond of hope and purpose to my ever cracking alabaster.
These last few months, to say the least, have been extremely painful for me. I’ve struggled with the who’s, the why’s, the “my faults” of it all. I desperately try to grasp hold with tangible hands to fix the order that inevitably keeps slipping out of my control. The art of truly letting go, surrender, still eludes me.

However, I am learning in the fall of my life that letting go is the only way to reside with Him. In my teens I was too self-righteous, in my twenties too self-absorbed. This season, as the cascade of color falls on the canvas of my life, I feel used up & discarded. The wasteland of ash left by the refiner’s fire is where I find myself. It is where He, infinite, wise & loving, finds me too. He picks me up out of the ash, dusts me off & polishes me up - making all things new. This is where He does His best work. He truly works the best out of the ashes.

I love Fall. Everything about it speaks to me. The brilliant changing colors, the rich foods, & decadent smells. The wonder in the crisp air & breathtaking sky. It is the time of year I feel most alive. Is it any wonder that God would use this season of my life to do the most wondrous work?

I went for a walk this afternoon on the local “Walking Trail”. I love the rich landscape of this beautiful area. A tractor was mowing & the exotic smells of wildflowers, hay, onion, & green grass were intoxicating. I was halfway through the course when I felt a distinct urging to fall to my knees before the Lord. I brushed it off. I felt foolish. The overwhelming urge hit me again, almost knocking me off my knees this time. I knelt in the shade & prayed. Nothing other worldly happened, except that I was obedient. I made a choice today to stop asking for what I wanted, & simply take a moment to sit with God. I allowed Him to love on me & minister to my little broken heart.

I am in complete awe of Him. Complete & utter awe at the fact that He is who He is!!!!!!!!!!!!

He gives us what we need. It doesn’t mean He will give us what we want. The hard, difficult, painful times are only proof that He loves us…just as much as the wonderful, joyful, exciting times.

My prayer has been for Him to restore my first loves. One of those is writing. I am doing it today with no restraint, little fear, & hope. The second, is for Him…I, without a doubt, in no way would be seeking Him in earnest if I was not going through this season of my life.

I am desperately trying not to run ahead of myself – to take it moment by moment. There is a reason He says tomorrow will take care of itself. We are not supposed to own tomorrow or yesterday. We are supposed to reside in this brilliant moment that He has given us. He wants to captivate us in utter wonder at this very moment. He is constantly providing miracles for us & we are too stressed & overwhelmed with trying to fix everything that we miss it. We miss Him.

I don’t want to miss Him anymore. I hope this lesson is learned. I fear it isn’t. For now, I’m taking this small moment as I sit in my computer room. I am looking out at the breathtakingly beautiful day & thankful for the Fall…the season of my life…the rescuing arms that wait for me as I let go!

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