My "Full of Myself" just sprung a leak!

I see the painting in my head. There is a field of wild lavender. A mountain range rises to meet the heavens to the right of the field. Their majesty only partly captured due to the size of the canvas. A plush forest brimming with wild & untamed things sits in the far left corner. The sun is just dipping her toe in the horizon causing the light to cast unearthly hues of purple, pink, orange, & gold against marshmallow clouds.

In the middle is a young woman. Her face turned towards the sun. The painting only reveals her back. She is wearing a yellow sundress with tiny cherries woven into the fabric. It rises just above her knees & the wind has blown it up slightly in the back. Sprigs of lavender are woven into her long curly hair. It is clear she has picked the buds from the field & tethered her hair with them. Her head is thrown back & her arms are slightly raised from her side. You can see chipped red nail polish on her nails. Her position in the painting makes the viewer feel as if this young woman might be drinking in the last rays of sunshine.

There is a twofold promise hidden between the brush strokes of this painting. The revelation hasn’t even been made to the girl in the painting. She doesn’t know where she will travel next; whether it will be in the wild wood, through the valley, or over the mountain range to her home. In the current moment she is completely content to be in the field of lavender. The crisp clean scent fills her lungs and the sun’s fading rays dance upon her warm skin. She is completely unconcerned with the circumstances that have been or that are to come. She knows who made her…

…This is a combination of two visions. One I had many years ago of a promise God made me, “the something over the horizon.” And, a vision my dear friend Teresa had of me in a field laughing & delighted, “the joy God has & wants for all of us despite circumstances.”

I am in a space of unbelievable insecurity right now. It hurts to admit that. I strive until I’m bloody, second guessing myself, confused, & uncertain of what you might have wanted from me in the first place. I SO want to make people proud of me. I will seek human favor before I seek Godly favor.

In the book “Made to Crave” by Lysa TerKeurst she discusses three sins: 1.Cravings: trying to get our physical desires met outside the will of God, 2. Lust of the eyes: trying to get our material desires met outside the will of God, & 3. Boasting: trying to get our need for significance met outside the will of God.

I just sat their & cried when I read the third one. I never once realized how deeply I sought significance just by doing “good”. Lysa’s Bible Study “What Happen When Women say Yes to God” is teaching me a lot of the same truths. My whole life, pretty much, has been met with the need for acceptance. While I’m not the prettiest, smartest, or most outgoing, I do have the great gift of encouragement. I seek ways to make people feel special & to encourage their hearts. I strive, in most areas of my work & personal life to go above & beyond. All in all these are great things when they are used the way God intended them to be used, not to find significance outside of Him.

I see it in every new relationship I have, whether personal or professional. I think I’m over the hurdle, able to be real down deep honest, & fear creeps in, overcompensation takes hold, & my fear of rejection blows me over with the desperate need “to do”.

There was something very small that happened today. In the midst of all this wonderful, the moments where I was literally seeing God work in spite of me. The tiny phrasing of a few words sent my little heart to crumbling. I felt the hallowing out, insecure, self-preservationist creep in. She whispered, “See, you aren’t good enough, you are lazy & careless, & unvalued!”

I hesitate to even type what is on my heart right now. But, I was getting ready to jump into a rash decision. I was screaming “HOSANNA!” I very much wanted to praise & thank God & plead for Him to take control. All the while I was thinking, “How do I fix this? What do I need to do to make it ok? How can I be better?” I take control when I need to relinquish it.

 There has to be a change. God has promised His good for me. Now, He might choose the uncomfortable, painful, & uncertain to work His will in my life, but it is His good I seek. I strive so hard to give it all or nothing. He is telling me to abide. The striving causes me to hit a wall. It leads me down a path of extremely unhealthy decisions. Change takes time.

There have been far too many things outside my control as of late. I’ve seen God’s glory & wondered in the amazing richness & truth that He is mindful of us. Have you ever felt like Elijah? God has rained down a consuming fire because you believed & prayed & then after this glorious display you run & hide in fear of Jezebel.

Blessed thing I’m a work in progress. I know God keeps bringing me back to these things because He sees who I will become & refuses to leave me the mess I am. I love how He deals with the heart of the matter, changing me from the inside out. I never grow tired of learning the same lesson. I often get frustrated that I haven’t learned it yet. However, I am grateful He is a loving Father, patient, knowing that things learned well take time.

I am so thankful for those in my life who get me. I love that they can be honest with my heart. I love that God sent a beautiful Bible Study in my life to minister when I needed it most, especially since I thought I was doing just fine on my own. I love the uncomfortable, for He makes me comfort able.

This point in my life I am CHOOSING relationships that are authentic, real, beautiful, sad, wonderful, painful, scary, heartbreaking, adventurous, full of hope, & downright ugly (cause let me tell you there is a whole lot of ugly going on up in here first thing in the morning ;)!

In closing, I see that it is now 12:30 Monday morning. The old has passed away & the new mercy is fresh & available for the taking. I’m going to let go of what has been & focus on what will be. I’m going to trust, abide, & let Him guide! I will walk on in spite of fear! I will allow Him to grow my hind feet! I will not dwell on the mistakes I’ve made, but own up to them, & look for ways to positively change them.

I love you all who have taken the time to read this, bless your hearts!

²¹ For a person may labor with wisdom, knowledge and skill, and then they must leave all they own to another who has not toiled for it. This too is meaningless and a great misfortune. ²² What do people get for all the toil and anxious striving with which they labor under the sun? ²³ All their days their work is grief and pain; even at night their minds do not rest. This too is meaningless. – Ecclesiastes 2: 21-23

¹⁷ The fruit of that righteousness will be peace;
its effect will be quietness and confidence forever.
¹⁸ My people will live in peaceful dwelling places,
in secure homes,
in undisturbed places of rest.
¹⁹ Though hail flattens the forest
and the city is leveled completely,

-Isaiah32:17-19