Fixing My "want to"!

There is an aching mystery that comes with the complete surrender of ones will to God. I don’t think it comes easily or quickly. I am quite certain it never comes all at once or completely. We are innately selfish people. We hold things that we deem dear, white knuckled, afraid of losing our grasp on them. We have to have a daily dependence on God. It begins with fixing our ‘want to’!

We have to look to the foundation of anything that we hope to be lasting in our lives.  God Almighty, in His great Sovereignty, has given us free will. It is a daily choice to choose Him. At times, it is a moment by moment choice. It is easy to be disappointed and discouraged. There are any number of individuals that are just waiting to let you down – whether intentional or not. There are any number of opportunities for us to fail at loving others and living from joy. 

Let me give you an example from my own personal struggle with food. I grew up Southern Baptist. I attend a Southern Baptist Church today. We know how to eat. It is a form of worship for us. Coming from the deep South I also found food to be a time for fellowship and expressing love for one another. The yummy, cheesy, fried, sugary, sweet, butter laden foods that make your taste buds do the dance of joy were part of how people said, “I care about you!” I took this to mean that it was my comfort. I ran to it when things got tough. I justified that I deserved that piece of chocolate cake or milkshake because I had a difficult day. I made food an idol over God. In the end I was sinning.

One of the Fruits of the Spirit is self-control. I had no self-control when it came to food. I did not look at food as nourishment for my body. I looked at it as a past time to be enjoyed. Then, my dear friend gave me the book “Made to Crave” by Lysa TerKeurst. It opened my eyes to the Biblical truth of my disobedience concerning my relationship with food. As Lysa says, “we should look at food and say, while this is permissible, is it beneficial!”

I think I have often looked at food as ‘my choice’! I never thought I was being disobedient if I consumed things that weren’t healthy for me. I would even grow mad and frustrated with God when I gained weight or couldn’t lose it. I never saw the struggle with my physical weight as a barometer I could use to show me how spiritually unhealthy I was. Instead of looking at how easily I could put weight on as a blessing that could potentially lead me to a closer walk with God; I looked at it like a curse.

Now, I don’t have it together. I don’t have this whole food situation figured out. I don’t have all my sins in check and am now free from the burdens that kept me bound. In fact, God daily reminds me that I am weak and He is strong.  I have used God’s grace and mercy as a safety net to live my life disobediently.

I often wonder if we even realize how casually we take our disobedience. It really isn’t that big of a deal, right? God will forgive us and love us no matter what.

While this is true, it is a devastating way to live one’s life. We are binding God’s hands – keeping Him from working His will in our lives. It doesn’t mean He will not have His will fulfilled. He will just choose another avenue other than us to see it accomplished.

Seek the Lord while he may be found;
call on him while he is near.
7 Let the wicked forsake their ways
and the unrighteous their thoughts.
Let them turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy on them,
and to our God, for he will freely pardon.

8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
10 As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. – Isaiah 55: 6-11

He is a Father that teaches tough love. He isn’t hard on us because He wishes for us to fail. He is hard on us because He knows what sin will do. It will separate us from His love. And, He desperately wants to love us. It is the number one goal of the Father’s heart!

I thrive on affirmation. It leads so much of my actions and reactions. I am easily wounded when I do not think I have done a good job. I am afraid of venturing out and trying new things because I might fail. I lose my first love and overcomplicate my works. I judge the goodness of my life by others. A scale that always tends to tip in my favor – making me look better than I am. I easily dismiss sin and embrace compromise!

I have been utterly and completely emotionally and physically exhausted!  My emotions sit on my sleeve. I desperately try to keep the pieces together so I will look pretty.

My prayer is that God will continue to poke me; pursue me. If need be, my prayer, is that He will blind me by His truth on this road. I know I will fall short again and again. I am not perfect. I am human and He understands that. I humbly ask that He doesn’t leave me where I am at.

His love for me will pour over into my life and change will blossom.

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. – Jeremiah 29: 11-12


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