Out with the old...in with the breathtaking!

 

2013 was a beautiful aching year. There was a great deal of change - abundance & a reaping.

I wrestled through a kidney stone & my faith. I discovered idols & heard God’s voice calling my name in the cleft of the rock.

I was prayed for! Oh, how I was prayed for?

I attempted to show authentic love to others.

I made a complete & total fool of myself.

There was wondrous joy, tears, laughter, & hope shared between friends – my soul sisters.

There was a trembling trepidation that came with the close of this year. For five years past I prayed in the New Year with my church. This year I would be separate from something that had become sacred to me. I was a little jaded at the fact that I would not be able to spend this time in reflection, preparation, & hope for the year to come.

To be completely honest I have felt like a wondering lost ding bat these last few days! Oh, the laughter that is flowing from my lips at calling myself a ‘ding bat’! It is a word that has never been more appropriate because I like perfection. Namely, perfection in myself! I relish in the beautiful brokenness in others. I find real authentic living breathtaking. However, when I mess up, when I do something ridiculous, I cower. I feel less & small. My face will inevitably flame. Usually someone will call attention to this fact & the crimson will deepen.

This year I do not have a trajectory. There is no grand plan or hope. The last half of 2013 was spent slowly savoring Ann Voskamp’s books “1,000 Gifts” & her Advent Book “The Greatest Gift”. So, in turn, I hold things with more grace now. The dark sorrow of this life is juxtaposed by the lenses I have been given. I see all as grace, even a ‘ding bat’ like me. With that said I turn my grace lenses on myself & behold the Eyes which really see. He sees me beautiful, breathtaking, complex, transforming, utter perfection. I must see myself in His eyes always. The reflection shines true. There are no fun house mirrors that distort the image.

There is more change to come: a new car, a new place to live. The changing of jobs did not fix all my problems. Yet, God tethered. He reached out His hand & walked me back to the boat. He tied me to Him, the Ultimate Mast. In the midst of the learning, hard, & difficult spaces I knew without a doubt that I was right where I was supposed to be. I know I am right where I was supposed to be.

In all honesty, I am grateful that the holidays are over. I am grateful that I rang in the New Year with my Grandmother watching scary movies (she is the one who started my love for them after all). I am grateful that I am a bit adrift at the beginning of this year. I am slowly gathering my bearings. The only good thing I need has me. He has never lost or let me go.

For a day in Your courts is better than a thousand.
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
Than dwell in the tents of wickedness.
¹¹ For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
The Lord will give grace and glory;
No good thing will He withhold
From those who walk uprightly.

¹² O Lord of hosts,
Blessed is the man who trusts in You!

Psalm 84: 10-12

One of my resolutions, & I shudder to even mention a resolution because I am quite pitiful at keeping them, is to write. I have even considering freelance for extra income. I have just begun a beautiful book that Amy gave me entitled “Writing Alone & with others” by Pat Schneider. She states a lovely truth in the beginning of the book that each & every one of us are writers. We all share in story.  We all use words, set plot, & develop characters. It is innately in us to live narrative. I think we likely got this attribute from our Great Storyteller.

There was a rush of relief in this for me. Pat has even done several “workshops” with poor & displaced people; cultivating their voice.

The old fear, perfection, has poured over my writing these last several years. It has caused my inkwell to run dry. Yet, this great insight that we all are in fact writers blew wind into deflated sails. I knew that I could do this. We all do this. I see it every day in the way my sisters turn phrases. The way my friends narrate our lives; soul deep. I see the pouring out of Amy’s life, the life of her children, and the narrative of her family on illumined screen. There are deep waters traversed & souls drinking deep from my friend Tamera’s words. I saw it rich with my blogging community. I miss those days of sharing hearts through words.

So, if I do nothing else this year I am going to seek Him.

 If I do nothing else passed seeking Him, abiding with Him, cherishing Him, I am going to love deeply & live authentically. I truly want each person to feel, believe, & be transformed by the truth of their worth. It is the etching of a grand design. A breathtaking story that begins, “Once upon a time…”

And, if I do nothing else I am going to write for me. I love sharing my words, but if no one else reads them that is ok. They are for me & God. I am going to pour out & through them. I will be healthier, happier, more grounded.

I am looking forward to all this year has to offer. I am settling into the tide that pulls me along this journey. I am not in a desperate need to know what happens next. I am sitting on the bank of the river, wrapped in His loving arms – resting!

I am completely aware of the abundance of my life. This rich glorious life.

“Courage is being scared to death... and saddling up anyway.” - John Wayne

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”- Leo Buscaglia

“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.” - Ernest Hemingway