Woops, Uh-oh, Gosh Golly Gee, Shoot, "Oh, Bother"....
As you can tell by the title of this post, my initial point was to be light-hearted about this topic, but my journey tonight has taken some turns. While a bit more sober, I pray you know the joy that fills my soul...in the light of imperfection His perfect love shines forth...I humbly offer my meager words...
Oh, to be
perfect! The desire infects me. It twists, turns, and pulls until my sails lock
tight around the mast too drunk on deception to unfurl, and catch the wind of
His still small voice. The fear of rejection petrifies. My grace draws tight,
my love stiffens, and my compassion runs thin. I don’t know how to fix this
part of me. It is a brokenness that keeps me from trying new things. Fret
puddles at my feet when I make a fool of myself. I feel foolish for feeling
like a fool. The Eeyore statement, “oh, bother” is a companion phrase of mine.
I don’t know
if these words resonate with anyone else. Perfectionism seems to be the tempest
that bends a woman, weighting her down with debris. There is a need for us to
succeed in a “man’s world”, be the perfect wife/mother/ friend. I know for me,
personally, I live in cyclical regret and humiliation for things I have done
years ago. The internal war is ugly, bloody, and results in grave casualties.
Praise Jesus
that He is changing me. My worry over actions I have done in the past can still
take hold, but I strive to take hold of Him. Instead of hurling myself down the
Utopian road of perfectionism I seek to bind my heart to His perfect love. I
have made mistakes recently at work. For most people this would be a natural
progression, clearly understood, and a known part of the journey. For me, I
must dialogue with God through it. I must tell myself that I will make mistakes.
I must allow a little grace in my corner.
I know in my
being I am a mess that Jesus loves. He is not seeking a “perfect” woman, but a
woman who is perfectly broken – willing to be reassembled by His skilled hand. When
He looks at me He does not see ugly, but a glorious creation that is overwhelmingly
lovely and deeply worthy of His love.
We are not
worthy of His love through any merit of our own. Yet, we are so worthy of His
love because it is His desire to love us, and beloved how He does.
I laugh. I
laugh loudly; head tipped back, spinning in a field golden, dress etched in
lavender buds, and bare feet in rich soil. There is a desperate need to unwrap
this gift slow.
I rush and
bustle; the weeks bleed together unraveling peace. I forget. I forget golden
fields ready for harvest, bare feet, the smell of earth, and His warming laughter
– sheer delight – in me. I seek the world and prize the temporary.
He. Loves.
Us. He calls us His beloved. Will we be loved by Him? It is a love without
conditions.
My deepest
prayer is that each human being, especially women, would know their worth…
You are
beautiful, captivating, strong, capable, and deeply loved. If you could see how
He sees you…
I am in a
new Bible Study, “The Daniel Plan”. I walked in thinking, “I’ve got this. I
know how to eat. I know how to be healthy.” Yet, our God loves us too much to leave
us the way we are. He works in and through us. He guides us along this journey
and replaces our stony hearts with receptive ones. And, He did this with me and
the first night of this study. He wants my poor self-image. He wants the little
girl who couldn’t look at herself in the mirror. He wants the young woman who
couldn’t meet the gaze of the young man’s eyes.
I didn’t
have this.
I am living
from victory. I am already accepted – loved. My worthiness comes from my
relationship with Jesus Christ.
“So there is now no condemnation
awaiting those who belong to Christ Jesus. For the power of the life-giving
Spirit – and this power is mine through Christ Jesus – has freed me from the
vicious circle of sin and death.” – Romans 8:1-2
Oh, may you
see your worth beloved!
Many years
ago, while I was still in college, I wrote what follows…may it be a truth that
seeps deep…
Dear Beloved,
How I have wanted to
share with you my feelings for the longest time? What a blessed treasure you
are to me. I deeply love you and long for you to trust me completely. I know
how easily you can get heavy laden with the little mundane tasks. Life so often
comes and interrupts my desire to commune with you. Heaven is glorious and I am
daily preparing the place I have for you here. I cannot wait until you arrive.
I have asked the Father over and over when I might be able to come and get you.
Not too much longer my love, I promise!
Do you realize that
Heaven stills when you speak? I love to sing over you day and night. My song is
lifted on high with the glorious love I have in my heart for you. You have
stolen my heart plain and simple with one simple glance of your eyes. I will
make a lasting covenant with you a bond that will never be broken. I will
betroth you forever in righteousness and justice. I am filled with love and
compassion for you. I love you completely and deeply. My creation displays my
love for you. A blessed sunrise is a beloved kiss from my lips. The wind
dancing through the trees is the song I sing to you. The majesty of the
mountains and the majestic blue sky is me hugging you. Oh beloved, you are the
most important thing to me. I love you with unfailing love and affection.
Please know that my heart beats for you. I love you for your unique inner
beauty and strength. I will answer you before you ask for I know the tremblings
of your very heart. I will quiet you and give you the rest that you need. I
will protect you from the evil predator that looks to devour and destroy. I
will tend to your every need.
Thank you for communing
with me. My favorite times are sitting and talking with you. Will you allow me
to love on you a little? Can you realize how my heart delights in you? You are
my beautiful masterpiece orchestrated by my very hand. I did not craft you by
mistake and there is no room for junk in my art gallery. When I see you
displayed on my wall my heart flutters and my lungs fill with pride. I am so
completely in love with you beloved. You are more precious to me than all the
lilies of the valley, the birds in the air, and the grass of the fields. You
captivate my very being. You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
I have created in you a
pure heart and I daily renew your spirit if you would only let my love for you
spill forth. I will never cast you from my presence and I have given you the
Holy Spirit. I want to restore in you the joy of your salvation and delight in
watching the passion dance in your eyes. I want to give you a willing spirit
and sustain you through the grind of daily life. Let me love you beloved. It is
all I desire to do. You are mine let me hide you in the shadow of my wings, let
me rejoice over you.
Beloved, you are ever
in my watch care. I pray that your heart will be settled and that you will rest
in my arms. I have plans not to harm you but to give you the keys to the
kingdom. Until we meet face to face know I am ever watching you. It won’t be
long darling. You are my treasure, my hope, my all. I LOVE YOU!
The Lover of Your Soul,
Jesus
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