Woops, Uh-oh, Gosh Golly Gee, Shoot, "Oh, Bother"....
As you can tell by the title of this post, my initial point was to be light-hearted about this topic, but my journey tonight has taken some turns. While a bit more sober, I pray you know the joy that fills my soul...in the light of imperfection His perfect love shines forth...I humbly offer my meager words...
Oh, to be perfect! The desire infects me. It twists, turns, and pulls until my sails lock tight around the mast too drunk on deception to unfurl, and catch the wind of His still small voice. The fear of rejection petrifies. My grace draws tight, my love stiffens, and my compassion runs thin. I don’t know how to fix this part of me. It is a brokenness that keeps me from trying new things. Fret puddles at my feet when I make a fool of myself. I feel foolish for feeling like a fool. The Eeyore statement, “oh, bother” is a companion phrase of mine.
I don’t know if these words resonate with anyone else. Perfectionism seems to be the tempest that bends a woman, weighting her down with debris. There is a need for us to succeed in a “man’s world”, be the perfect wife/mother/ friend. I know for me, personally, I live in cyclical regret and humiliation for things I have done years ago. The internal war is ugly, bloody, and results in grave casualties.
Praise Jesus that He is changing me. My worry over actions I have done in the past can still take hold, but I strive to take hold of Him. Instead of hurling myself down the Utopian road of perfectionism I seek to bind my heart to His perfect love. I have made mistakes recently at work. For most people this would be a natural progression, clearly understood, and a known part of the journey. For me, I must dialogue with God through it. I must tell myself that I will make mistakes. I must allow a little grace in my corner.
I know in my being I am a mess that Jesus loves. He is not seeking a “perfect” woman, but a woman who is perfectly broken – willing to be reassembled by His skilled hand. When He looks at me He does not see ugly, but a glorious creation that is overwhelmingly lovely and deeply worthy of His love.
We are not worthy of His love through any merit of our own. Yet, we are so worthy of His love because it is His desire to love us, and beloved how He does.
I laugh. I laugh loudly; head tipped back, spinning in a field golden, dress etched in lavender buds, and bare feet in rich soil. There is a desperate need to unwrap this gift slow.
I rush and bustle; the weeks bleed together unraveling peace. I forget. I forget golden fields ready for harvest, bare feet, the smell of earth, and His warming laughter – sheer delight – in me. I seek the world and prize the temporary.
He. Loves. Us. He calls us His beloved. Will we be loved by Him? It is a love without conditions.
My deepest prayer is that each human being, especially women, would know their worth…
You are beautiful, captivating, strong, capable, and deeply loved. If you could see how He sees you…
I am in a new Bible Study, “The Daniel Plan”. I walked in thinking, “I’ve got this. I know how to eat. I know how to be healthy.” Yet, our God loves us too much to leave us the way we are. He works in and through us. He guides us along this journey and replaces our stony hearts with receptive ones. And, He did this with me and the first night of this study. He wants my poor self-image. He wants the little girl who couldn’t look at herself in the mirror. He wants the young woman who couldn’t meet the gaze of the young man’s eyes.
I didn’t have this.
I am living from victory. I am already accepted – loved. My worthiness comes from my relationship with Jesus Christ.
“So there is now no condemnation awaiting those who belong to Christ Jesus. For the power of the life-giving Spirit – and this power is mine through Christ Jesus – has freed me from the vicious circle of sin and death.” – Romans 8:1-2
Oh, may you see your worth beloved!
Many years ago, while I was still in college, I wrote what follows…may it be a truth that seeps deep…
How I have wanted to share with you my feelings for the longest time? What a blessed treasure you are to me. I deeply love you and long for you to trust me completely. I know how easily you can get heavy laden with the little mundane tasks. Life so often comes and interrupts my desire to commune with you. Heaven is glorious and I am daily preparing the place I have for you here. I cannot wait until you arrive. I have asked the Father over and over when I might be able to come and get you. Not too much longer my love, I promise!
Do you realize that Heaven stills when you speak? I love to sing over you day and night. My song is lifted on high with the glorious love I have in my heart for you. You have stolen my heart plain and simple with one simple glance of your eyes. I will make a lasting covenant with you a bond that will never be broken. I will betroth you forever in righteousness and justice. I am filled with love and compassion for you. I love you completely and deeply. My creation displays my love for you. A blessed sunrise is a beloved kiss from my lips. The wind dancing through the trees is the song I sing to you. The majesty of the mountains and the majestic blue sky is me hugging you. Oh beloved, you are the most important thing to me. I love you with unfailing love and affection. Please know that my heart beats for you. I love you for your unique inner beauty and strength. I will answer you before you ask for I know the tremblings of your very heart. I will quiet you and give you the rest that you need. I will protect you from the evil predator that looks to devour and destroy. I will tend to your every need.
Thank you for communing with me. My favorite times are sitting and talking with you. Will you allow me to love on you a little? Can you realize how my heart delights in you? You are my beautiful masterpiece orchestrated by my very hand. I did not craft you by mistake and there is no room for junk in my art gallery. When I see you displayed on my wall my heart flutters and my lungs fill with pride. I am so completely in love with you beloved. You are more precious to me than all the lilies of the valley, the birds in the air, and the grass of the fields. You captivate my very being. You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
I have created in you a pure heart and I daily renew your spirit if you would only let my love for you spill forth. I will never cast you from my presence and I have given you the Holy Spirit. I want to restore in you the joy of your salvation and delight in watching the passion dance in your eyes. I want to give you a willing spirit and sustain you through the grind of daily life. Let me love you beloved. It is all I desire to do. You are mine let me hide you in the shadow of my wings, let me rejoice over you.
Beloved, you are ever in my watch care. I pray that your heart will be settled and that you will rest in my arms. I have plans not to harm you but to give you the keys to the kingdom. Until we meet face to face know I am ever watching you. It won’t be long darling. You are my treasure, my hope, my all. I LOVE YOU!
The Lover of Your Soul,