Tethered to His Mast: Part 2: Lighthouses!
I am comfy. There is Mint Chocolate Truffle Tea in my
Clark County Public Library mug. I have my stretchy bleached brown pants,
x-large t-shirt, and my hot pink fuzzy slippers on. I couldn’t wait to run the
errands I had after work, eat dinner, and settle into my computer nook. There
is so much to tell. My heart bleeds – open wide to this journey. I am accepting
who I am. I am learning, in humility, that God has purposed me to be love,
grace, and hope to those around me.
If you are willing, sit back and come along with me on
this journey. The dark is ominous, the waves are tempestuous – danger and
wonder rolled into one, but in the distance there is a beacon: a light that
cuts through the darkness…
I
have always felt ‘not enough’. It is a sad thing to admit, but oh so true. I
have felt not pretty enough, not smart enough, not important enough, not good
enough, not loved enough… on and on we go. I would cling to seeking approval. I
sought it often by doing. I was awkward and did things that confused both me
and others. There was some coaxing God had to do to bring me out of my shell.
At, soon to be 34 years of age, I am just beginning to know exactly who I am. I
am beginning to recognize when those old patterns of ‘love sought’ come back to
haunt me. Jesus is calling dead things to life in me. (By the way, we can call
life or death over each other. I learned this lesson just this past week and it
will be another blog entry in the coming weeks.) He is giving me purpose. He is
not only tethering me to His mast, but to others as well. He is placing salt in
the wound and binding it to healing. I see lighthouses all around – beacons of
hope and purpose. These individuals are daily transforming me.
When you do life with someone it can be muddy
beautiful. It is sort of like seeing a rainbow in a puddle of oil. The beauty
is opaque, less transparent. However, it is rich and deep. A beauty forged in
trial, solidarity, comfort, kinship, love, and understanding. There are ups and
there are downs. There is circumnavigating that transpires due to differing
personalities. Yet, if it is done with the grace of God, there is a beautiful
binding quality to it. This is something that truly no man can put asunder. So
it is with the intermingling of my life with the Scalf family. I came to them
as a caretaker for their children and left a part of their family. I could
share that journey, but I don’t have a year or two. Plus, there are some things
that are precious sacred: things that should not be audibly spoken.
I had invited myself to come down for a week. Indian
Shores/ Clearwater Florida had taken my heart the last summer I was down with
the Scalf’s. Plus, I knew what life on the beach with these beautiful people
would be like. So, as they were sharing plans at the kitchen table one night I
asked if I could come down a week with them. Dave, my awesome brother, looked at me,
patted my arm, paused in his wonderful Dave way, and said, “Melissa, I so
wanted to ask you to come, but didn’t know if I should!”
The week was what I had hoped it would be. There was a simple
deliciousness to it. I heard someone describe a vacation as contradictory: long
endless days full of richness and a week that goes by seemingly in a second. I
knew as I anxiously anticipated this week that it would be over before I knew
it. I was praying fervently, somewhat selfishly, for the trip, but nevertheless
God heard my hearts cry for this endeavor and blessed tenfold.
We spent the week relaxing. It was wonderful to walk on
the beach, come up, shower, have a delicious meal, sit on the couch and watch a
movie, and just be. There was no pretense. We helped each other. We bounced
grace off of each other. When one got lost in the dark pulling tide the other
lit the way with laughter and hope.
Dave and Amy have shown me, above anyone else, what it
means to shine light in darkness. They reach out in love and grace past their
own hurting.
That Saturday Steve, Tamera, and Abby were coming for
the remainder of the trip. I would be leaving on Tuesday, but we had two and a
half days together. I was anxious – anticipating doing life with these
beautiful blessings.
I did not know Steve well. The shape of his character
was etched through Tamera’s eyes. I watched this man hold the door open for the
woman he loved. I watched him re-position a basket-ball hoop hanging from the back
of a door unnumbered times because a giddy little boy asked him too. I watched
Rachael gravitate to his gentle humor and kind spirit. I watched this man speak
kindness. I watched the way he loved. It was breathtaking. There was serenity
to his life. A man crafted by a Master hand. A lighthouse built upon the Rock.
The evolution of Tamera and I’s relationship is just
beginning to bud. I was anticipating forbearance with her presence. She is
vulnerable, captivating, and giving of her hugs and love. I hadn’t done much
day to day life with her, but I was looking forward to the venture. There was
an afternoon, sun beating red on pale skin, waves washing salt – preservation,
conversation flowing authentic and free despite our best intentions to hide.
She draws your ship in to her warmth and glow.
I love Abby. God has placed this great love in my heart
for this beautiful young woman. She brings me joy. She fortifies my heart with
light. She is willing to walk, reckless abandon, toward God’s love for her. The
week spent with her was laughter and hope and purpose. It was as if day broke,
we sat in the cleft of His rock, looking out over the expanse of the sea,
sheltered and comforted.
All too soon the little community was over and I was
flying back to reality. Here are the words I wrote on the plane ride home about
my last day there…
I
could not stop crying yesterday – pools glistened ever threatening to slip down
freckled cheeks. What wonder was God doing? This refining process happens even
when we feel we have grown numb to it. I had prayed, selfish prayers, for this
trip. The Lord ever teaches me to pray His prayers for His people - where His
glory and their heart meet. Jesus may I ever be mind-filled of you! Even those
selfish, stubborn, reckless moments may I know Your love. Teach me when I don’t
feel Your presence. May you truly be waiting as I seek You.
Yesterday
was my last full day of vacation. However, my second family & ever
precious friends were staying until Friday. It is like the feeling I have
driving away from the sunrise. I always feel I am going the wrong way. So it
was with this day, knowing I would have to separate from tender transparency
and honest grace.
We
began our day walking to Indian Shores Coffee Shop. This was the fruition of
the prayer I prayed over Amy & Tamera:
- I awoke this morning with the smell of salt in the air, the sound of
gulls pulling my tired lids from slumber, and the soothing cry of waves
crashing and dancing on the shore. I envisioned a corner at the Indian
Shores Coffeehouse with chairs filled with women needing, wanting, and
receiving.
I don't know if the times will work out. I don't know if
we will be ships passing in the night, but I hope for that moment. I hope to
learn and grow, laugh and settle my spirit. Kiss sticky fingers and wash sandy
hair, sleep with stinky toes stuck in my ribs, and settle quiet with you.
I am reminded of the song Sara Groves sings speaking of
the desire just to spend time and knowing, "you are always invited!"
I pray for you my beloved sisters in Christ. My knees
bend and my heart humbles in His presence. I breathe in and out as my heartbeat
begins to match with His. It steadies and the rhythm pours out love. Oh, His
love for you both. If you could just glimpse a taste of it. He delights in you
beloved. He shelters you and sings over you - whispering, "you are enough,
beloved! You are mine!"
It was more. There were raw rough patches of terrain.
Yet, with kindred sistership we navigated them well. I was all in my head that
entire day. I had to constantly pray through to being present and not to break
down sobbing. Tears are beautiful sacred drops of vulnerability that God uses,
particularly in women, to strengthen.
We came back refreshed and shored up. The children
settled to lunch as the adults decided what to do.
We decided on a “Dolphin Cruise”. These amazingly intelligent
creatures astound me. A dolphin rescued my Grandmother many years before I was
born when she got too far out at sea. He gently pushed her back to shore.
To see them crest the water was utterly breathtaking: Glory
to God for making sea creatures; teaming this world with a variety of beauty
that renders lungs useless.
The most magnificent treasure of the boat ride was
traveling to the open sea. The waves were choppy. The ocean can be a bit wild –
glorious and terrible. It holds power. You could feel it in the rough waters.
The feeling…the view…everything was just magnificent! It
encompassed all facets of God! GLORY!!!
Steve and Tamera wanted to treat us to dinner. We chose
the Friendly Fisherman. It was sumptuous. There was rich laughter. The waiter
was wonderful and the food was divine. It was simple beauty. There was a joyous
space of hope and purpose. There was completion, and yet, a beginning all
wrapped in one…
I truly praise God for His many lighthouses!
Did I fail to mention there was a Pirate Ship! For those that know me well, you know I do not need to say more...arrrrr!
(There is more to this day of abundance. A night walk on
the beach, but that is for the third and last installment of this series: “Tethered
to His Mast: His Nightsong” …stay tuned J )
(And, I would encourage you to head on over to www.seventypalms.com and dive into the
Chambers section where Tamera is also writing about her experiences on this
trip)
Me on the Dolphin Cruise
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