What Change Brings...
“The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.” – C JoyBell C.
“See I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness & streams in the wasteland.” – Isaiah 43:19
“And we’re dancing in the minefields
We’re sailing in the storm
This is harder than we dreamed
But, I believe that’s what the promise is for…”
- “Dancing in the Minefields”, Andrew Peterson
May 2016, we experienced a traumatic death at the Hope Lodge. In that moment, a part of me also died. I powered down hope & fell into despair. A cloying desolation filled every atom of my being. I suffocated under the weight of it. Life became a ‘chasing after the wind’ – utterly meaningless. I didn’t see any way out. Going through the motions, I hid well. I coped as best I could, but I wasn’t alive!
Fast forward to March 2017, small steps – still going through the motions – I sought out community, counseling, and change. At this point, I began to deal with toxic neighbors. They were a cancer to an already crippled soul. I lost ground, but I was fighting. At least I could say I was fighting.
In April, I decided not to renew my lease. One issue upon the next, culminating in an unsafe living situation forced change that pinched and ached. I knew where I wasn’t going to live, but where was I to live? More importantly, how was I going to live?
At this point, I had been in counseling for about a month. The trauma was exposed. My lack of coping skills and the need to handle situations “wisely” were a healthy topic of conversation. The decision to help manage my anxiety was paramount. The idea that anxiety could be an afterthought, something I didn’t deal with daily was liberating.
As April drew to a close, I started attending the Captivating study at Quest Community Church. Another step divinely orchestrated. (This will be another blog entry soon.) There were wounds and arrows that needed addressing and dressing; wounds that needed lancing. Salve was rubbed into them, healing them once and for all. I needed to be reminded of the beauty I had to unveil. The purpose that I had on this Earth, and how I was needed. Before I knew it, I was catching my breath. There was much turmoil rolling all around me, but I was resting. I was seeing things in a new away. Seed had fallen in good soil. It lay dormant until nourished. As it began to sprout and bud I awoke to it. I turned my face to the sun, and drank deep from the rain.
Still, I didn’t know where I would live. My dear friend Lauren, encouraged me to reach out to her landlord. She wasn’t certain if he would have something open, but it was worth a shot. In all of this, God was orchestrating. He was carving out a space for me. He was carving His promises into my heart.
And, then I moved…
My hands hover over the keys, thoughts rolling, trying to articulate a modicum of what I’m feeling. There was an apartment available for me. There was a space for me. I was needed. My apartment sits in a canopy of trees just off E. High Street in Lexington, KY. It feels as if I’m camping every day. There are so many resources at my fingertips. I can walk to unnumbered places. I have a park right at my back door.
I did not want to change…
“Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great & sudden change.”
– Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley; Frankenstein
Yet, what change brought was more than I could hope for, and it is just the very beginning. I’m taking time to heal & rest. At the same time, I’m contemplating what I will do with this new beginning. I will NOT waist a moment of what has been given. The move is one piece. It took many moving parts to get me to this ground. A lot of demolition and pain was necessary. I am not under the illusion that everything will be unicorns and rainbows after this point. Life is pain, but there is a winsome weight to it that is both delicate and grounding.
We can be light of spirit as the battle rages. Battles do not have to be overwhelming. We have the Armor of God. Can we plan for every battle, no? But, we can be prepared. We can take our hurts to Jesus, again and again. We can stand on solid ground, ask for wisdom, and know that He will fight for us.
To hypothesize what’s to come is ludicrous, and perpetuates my anxiety. I know I want to dive into what He has for me. I know I want to grow in wisdom, resting beauty, and a kind and generous spirit. I want to write and go on many adventures.
What change brings…fresh air, hope, and good will.
If you are on the cusp of change, I encourage you dear friends, to not be afraid to risk. It may seem impossible. But, life is far more than chasing after the wind. There is hope & refinement only it can bring. It is worth every moment.
“Yes, this I call to mind & therefore I have hope! Because of the Lord’s great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” – Lamentations 3:21-23