An Interesting Dichotomy

photo represents the inward battle

An interesting dichotomy, the feeling of invincibility & mortality. As I grow older I find these two trains of thought sobering, disquieting, & encouraging. As time barrels through like an unhinged freight train I seek presence. To stay tethered to the moment when life is spinning at break neck speeds, unending demands beating down the door, is difficult. My thoughts hermit away into the dark caverns of my mind. I’ve created a utopia there. The world cannot hurt me when I’m locked away in my imaginary world. As the months bleed into each other, and 2017 has shuttled –  more than half over – I find myself awake, 37 years of age. In three short years 40 will be knocking at me door. If I’m fortunate, this means that half of my life will be over. I don’t know how to breathe in this skin. The older I get, the work I do, the reality seeps in that I’m not so invincible. Mortality dances around my thoughts like a merry jester. I realize, as vaporous and finite as we are, that life is rich and meaningful. Many of us will not be remembered by the world. Our imprint will not touch the multitude. Yet, if our time here touches one. If our pursuit of kindness effects another’s journey and bends them toward hope, our short time around the sun resonates. The love, poured out in full, is not wasted.  A lasting legacy left. And, I believe we are eternal beings. The real journey begins when this chapter of life is through. This is simply the forward before the real story. And, our Father in Heaven awaits to open that page for us.

the journey

“All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on forever: in which every chapter is better than the one before.” – “The Last Battle”; CS Lewis

rest along the shoreline

Weariness has set in on all sides. It cloisters around like Eeyore’s little black rain cloud. Mental and physical fatigue – cancer of the soul. The most noxious symptom is feeling consumed by it. I’m particularly drained from talking about it. Chaos burns quick and drains reservoirs faster than they can be replenished.  There is a lesson that needs learning & a change that must take place. A reason that this monkey has reattached to my back. Of course, I self-loathe. Why does most of my struggle have to be internal?

I am apt at facing challenges – work, personal, & the like. I can work and navigate them with a healthy fear, for the most part. Yet, the trauma that goes on in my mind is hard to wade through. I’m knee deep in mud; the enemy is bombarding a shit storm overhead. Shaking uncontrollably, I am certain I will lose my mind before my life.

gathering joy

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong & of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” – Joshua 1:9

It can be strenuous letting light seep into weariness. The shroud of darkness becomes a corporal thing. A fog you can see through, tinging everything with a hint of terror. When my mind slants toward this bend I can feel untethered, manic, even unhinged. There is certainty in uncertainty. This wave of emotion, irrational thinking, grounds me in the reality that I need a Savior. I need my faith. I cannot do this life otherwise. Peaks and valleys…

isaiah 55

Fear is healthy & normal, but to be crippled by scenarios that have no validity is overwhelming. Like Artax sinking into the swamp of sadness, we lose hope & sink into our sorrows. I cannot seem to shake this nightmare. It is so much easier to slip into the bliss of nothingness. I’ve asked why we are born only to suffer and die? It seems pointless.

The core of me is creation. I was created with a song on my lips and fire in my bones. The Lord purposed this time and space for me. There is fight behind this veil of insecurity. I cannot wish away this season, and I will own my pain. I will persevere.

soul finds rest

All trials are temporal. There is an end to every ounce of pain & God sees all to His good favor. He is compassionate towards us. His love isn’t contingent upon us. He has covered both sides of the covenant. He has fulfilled His promise towards us. How I long for His homeland. There are answers I will not receive this side of heaven.

If indeed, we are eternal beings we do not end with death. Awaken, oh my soul, to that promise. There is a real and tangible life that hovers in our periphery. We end our rehearsal to start the play – center stage.

My time, limiting as it is, on this earth is a fragile thing. I want to keep my hands giving, my heart receiving, and be a cup-filler. And, I want Him with me. Every footfall. I want Him.

O Lord, You have searched me and know me.

You know my sitting down and my rising up;

You understand my thought afar off.

You comprehend my path and my lying down,

And are acquainted with all my ways.

For there is not a word on my tongue,

But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.

You have hedged me behind and before,

And laid Your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

It is high, I cannot attain it.

Where can I go from Your Spirit?

Or where can I flee from Your presence?

If I ascend into heaven, You are there;

If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.

If I take the wings of the morning,

And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,

Even there Your hand shall lead me,

And Your right hand shall hold me.

If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,”

Even the night shall be light about me;

Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,

But the night shines as the day;

The darkness and the light are both alike to You.

For You formed my inward parts;

You covered me in my mother’s womb.

I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Marvelous are Your works,

And that my soul knows very well.

My frame was not hidden from You,

When I was made in secret,

And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.

And in Your book they all were written,

The days you fashioned for me,

When as yet there were none of them.

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!

How great is the sum of them!

If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;

When I awake, I am still with You.

Oh, that You would slay the wicked, O God!

Depart from me, therefore, you bloodthirsty men.

For they speak against You wickedly;

Your enemies take Your name in vain.

Do I not hate them, O Lord, who hate You?

And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?

I hate them with perfect hatred;

I count them my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;

Try me, and know my anxieties;

And see if there is any wicked way in me,

And lead me in the way everlasting.