God Doesn't Say..."Oops"


I received this little bit of wisdom from JettyBetty’s blog. So, if God doesn’t say, “oops” when He does something in our lives, then I guess I should be trusting Him right and not my own silly ridiculous way of doing things. Oh, but no one told me that I wasn’t God and I just feel that I know so much better than Him. Oh me, I just think about how far God has brought me in my 26 years. I keep thinking what a big brat I’ve been. I’m like God, “How did you put up with me?” “How do you put up with me still?” “What do you see that is good in me?” I mean I’ve pretty much lived for me, myself, and I for 26 long years. When I was a baby it was all about being fed and taken care of, as a child it was about what toy I could get at the supermarket, as a teen it was about being felt worth while to matter in this world and to others, and in my twenties it has been about living for what will make me happy. I’ve been screaming at God…”Me! Me! Me!” so much I’ve lost His still small voice. He’s saying, “Melissa, my beautiful and blessed creation, it isn’t about you at all!” Every bull headed attempt I’ve made, every space of my life I felt I couldn’t breathe in because things weren’t going my way, and I just wanted out, wasting so much of my life in that time…I was resisting what was happening. I said, “No, God…no thank you! I know how to live my life just fine. You just go sit over there in that little box I’ve prepared for you and I’ll let you know when it’s alright to come out and help me!” Everytime, everytime, the wheel stopped spinning, the clay went dry and He had to take out the Exacta-knife. The cutting was painful, but in the end I was being shaped. Shaped from that first moment I said I need you. When I made that vow I let God have the reigns and I made a covenant with Him to make me shiny and new. And ever since that moment I’ve been trying to take those reigns back. My mind is such a battlefield. Mortar shells, lost battles, casualties all around, yet I’ve grown so accustomed to the noise that it has become a safe haven. God doesn’t say…”oops!” indeed, but sometimes I think that just maybe I could do something that would cause Him to take His hand from me, that I didn’t hear right or something and well look at the pile of…you got yourself into. I know I know I’m not that powerful…praise Him.

Well, now to the point, “focus Melissa!”…something I need, focus, focus, focus! When I first moved to Kentucky I was so full of calluses, hate, mistrust, and inwardly fighting a battle I couldn’t win, that I sat in a corner and licked my wounds, tried to put on my best acting chops, and got mad at everyone else when the ground was slipping from underneath me and I was spiraling down into a deep blackness of despair. None of the tricks that I had perfected were working, and even finding my beloved church I tried to weasel my heart into theirs by “pleasing” them. It was a mask and a big one that only made those around me turn off. In the end I was forced to come to grips that it wasn’t about me, and I wouldn’t be getting anywhere with anyone without being authentic in the way I treated them, and began to show more of who I was.

When I graduated from college I thought everything would fall into a neat little package for me and life would take me on this amazing adventure that was phenomenal and exciting. Life would just make sense. “Hah! Hah! Hah!”…yeah, doesn’t work that way. In the end, more struggles more fighting, and finding a space through blogging, my first full time job, and growth with God in a God centered, passionate, devoted, discipleship, and missions driven meat feeding church (once you go that way you can never go back). I was content, until the doors and walls and ceiling started closing in on me at work and for the first time I felt something I never really thought myself truly capable of…apathy. It wasn’t despair or depression or any emotion that sort of left me feeling numb, no it was a simple thought of I don’t care, I’m not happy where I’m at, but you know I like me and in the world’s eyes I’ve got it all, so I’m good. In the end when I left work on July 19th I once again thought everything was going to fit perfectly in a neat concise little pile. I would move to Asheville, NC, find another wonderful church, have a great job, and all would be right with the world. Um, well, October 19th will be three months that I will be gainfully unemployed. I have come home expanded my search, been on my knees, and for the first time in my life have no idea where in the world I’m going. God has got me in a great place because really He could tell me to do pretty much anything and I would do it. In the end though, I talked a big talk. I said this is the will for my life…and God said, “Did I give clearance for those orders?”…I was so confident because it just made sense. Oh, the power of logic.

The truth is in many ways I feel like Job and my worst fear has come true. That somehow I wouldn’t hear God’s plan for my life and hear I am 26, unemployed, and living with my parents. But, hold on, could this be exactly where God wants me…NO! He wouldn’t do something like this would He. Let me tell you what He has done. He has forced me to really look at my life, what I’ve been living for, and what I spend my money on. He has been showing me that I’ve been chasing after the wind. He is spoken to me through sermons, prayers, and scripture, and said, “Melissa, life isn’t about you, but it is about surrendering to Me!” For the first time in my life I really want to live for Him! I don’t want to be fake, I want to live authentically! I’m giving up things I said I would never give up. I’m begging for the barrage in my head to be quiet, so that I can hear the still small voice. I know that if I had not taken this time in my life to be unemployed I would not be where I am with the Lord, He would have never moved. Who knows what the next step will be? Yeah, I often wake up panicked and feel I’ve missed the boat, I’m terrified, but in the end I know all is going to work out. It sort of freaks me out to think of working part time, 26, and living at home…seems like a failure to me, but in the end I’m looking at it through the world’s standards. Maybe this is right where God wants me. I have to depend on others, I can’t provide for myself. I’m having to depend on God…I’m having to take a good look at what I’m about.

When I do get gainful employment I don’t want to spend money on any thing that is not edifying to me in some way, I’m not saying that isn’t fun, but if it is in the end going to hurt my walk with God I don’t need it. I want a real ministry. I want a family. These are the things I want, and for the first time in my life I’m asking God what He wants me to do. I’ve never done that before. I always said, “Well God this is what I’m gonna do!”

I’m thinking about writing, and you might be saying after reading this you think you can do that, well no I don’t think I can do it, but maybe God does. Writing is something I’ve always considered a hobby, but a ministry…I just don’t know. I’m not saying at all it’s what I’m doing, cause Lord knows it could change on a dime. Wherever He leads I’ll go.

So, God doesn’t say…”oops!” in our lives. He says, “Do you trust me?” I’m thinking, “Yes???” Please just keep me in your thoughts and prayers…that I will hear God, do what He says, and be a witness on this journey to His love and mercy. I don’t want a wasted life. He is faithful, so faithful.


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“God’s imagery of going before us let’s us know that he desires us to go on a journey. This is not so frightening. Most of us are aware that the Christian life requires a pilgrimage of some sort. We know we are sojourners. What we have sometimes not given much thought is what kind of journey we are taking.

…Not realizing it is a journey of the heart this is called for, we make a crucial mistake. We come to a place in our spiritual life where we hear God calling us. We know he is calling us to give up the less-wild lovers that have become a part of our identity, embrace our nakedness, and trust in his goodness.

As we stand at this intersection of God’s calling, we look down two highways that appear to travel in very different directions. The first highway quickly takes a turn and disappears from our view. We cannot see clearly where it leads but there are ominous clouds in the near distance…

…we cast our glance down the other highway. It runs straight as far as we can see, with the first night’s lodging visible in the appropriate distance...The crisp map we take from our valise assures us that heart baggage is not needed on this journey and would only be in the way.

As we turn to look at the old parchment one more time, our eyes find the sentences by one former traveler “Don’t be afraid of embracing the disappointment you feel, old or new. Don’t be scared of the unreasonable joy either. They’re the highway markers home. I’ve gone on ahead. Yours Truly.” (Sacred Romance, P. 127-128, Curtis and Eldredge).

Comments

Dawn said…
Ok I've been "out of it" for a few weeks, but I'm so glad to see you!!! I'm printing this post out and reading it again and again. Awesome...now I'm off to see Todd! He is so one of my favorites!

I've missed you!
bjk said…
:) sigh......love it....love HIM...love where He's taking you and LOVE that you are following and sharing it.....so just sigh....:) and sitting with you while it all sinks deeply in.....love b
Becca said…
Ohhhhhh I miss you.

And I LOOOVE your picture.



love

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