Reflection of Providence

There are just times where it’s hard. You can’t explain it to anyone. It isn’t as if you are ungrateful for everything that you have been given. Yet, the frustration is stifling & you feel the walls begin to close in. You waft between reaching out & spilling all that deep down dark blackness or curling up into a tiny ball, hoping no one notices. The struggle to be everything to everyone, a delusion of your own mind, seems an implausible & frustrating task. Your heart aches from the emptiness. It’s in these moments you wonder how God puts up with you – how anyone puts up with you? You question yourself & everything. You’re angry at the world, but more importantly, you are angry at yourself. The blackness has crept back in; when you swore it would stay at bay. Depression is a real & unexplainable thing. I cannot put my finger on it. I cannot wish it away. I cannot even explain it when I am going through it. I usually don’t. It is often accompanied with physical sym...

I take the baby out around ten in the morning every day to play. Monday was like any other day.   I asked her if she wanted to go outside & she responded with a simple shake of the head & a “yeah”! We traveled out into the beautiful sunshiny day! It was clean & crisp. The day hinted at the glorious autumn that would soon envelope us. The baby squealed & laughed & tromped about. Even scaring the neighbor’s cat a bit with her big “lion” roars. Then, she spied it! It was a little thing really. Some water from an evening rain had collected in one of the lawn chairs. She was on it in seconds. She splashed, stuck her face in it, climbed up & sat in it, splashed some more, more face planting in it…all the while laughing with reckless abandon. I did have a moment where I thought, “Oh, Rachael! Now, I’m going to have to change you & we are going to have to pick the boys up soon! Really, couldn’t you just do something that didn’t get you all wet and dirt...

“God doesn’t give us more than we can handle!” These words are often spoken in our most desperate moments.   They are our “HOSANNA” – a prayer & a praise; a plea really to a loving God who surely wouldn’t weigh our shoulders down unto breaking. Yet, in mercy & loving kindness our compassionate God does just that, give us daily, way more than we can handle. He needs us dependent upon Him. So, those sweet words of comfort, unfortunately, are just not true. They hold no bearing to an authentic Christian life. Fortunately, our incredible Lord, just as with sorrow, pours out more joy than we can handle. He daily steers our little ship into complete & total dependence upon His governing winds. I have fought this. I still do, unfortunately. I struggle with my will. I am finishing up the book “Kisses from Katie” by Katie Davis. She describes the struggle she is having with her three year old daughter Grace & bath time. Grace has decided to assert her will not to t...

As I type there are dishes overflowing in my sink, clean sheets in the dryer that need to be put back on my bed, & my house needs a bath in the worst way. It seems like every week, day, moment, second I am being whipped into a frantic pace by something that just must be done. Why is it that we, as women, have this need to be responsible for the world. Life as we know it would surely stop if we didn’t bake that cake, teach that class, host that party, clean that pot. These tasks are in no way life changing, in fact; for all intents and purposes they are mundane, normal, bland, and boring.   Deep in my soul I was meant for adventures through Middle Earth or Narnia. The call for something greater in my life has always haunted me. I have fought against the mundane. In the end, it always catches up with me. Have you taken a moment to evaluate how frantic a mundane life can be? I think of the song from the Disney movie Cinderella, “…she goes around in circles ‘til she’s very ver...

I used to believe joy would find me when I reached a certain goal. I had my life pretty much figured out when I was ten years of age. I would get married at 22, have five kids before I turned 30, & be living a blissful life with a wonderful & amazing husband. At 18, things changed a bit. I decided I also wanted to be a successful producer & director of quality family television & have the kids, the husband - all that stuff. When 25 came & went & I was no nearer my goal than when I was ten I had some years of resentment toward God. You see, I thought He owed me “my idea of happiness”. If He didn’t answer the prayers I had been faithfully praying since I was a little girl then where did that leave our relationship? How could He love me? I made a painful mistake in that moment of brokenness. I chose to try & mend the hurt on my own without truly giving it to God. This has led to some really unhealthy choices that have lingered into my present day. ...

I see the painting in my head. There is a field of wild lavender. A mountain range rises to meet the heavens to the right of the field. Their majesty only partly captured due to the size of the canvas. A plush forest brimming with wild & untamed things sits in the far left corner. The sun is just dipping her toe in the horizon causing the light to cast unearthly hues of purple, pink, orange, & gold against marshmallow clouds. In the middle is a young woman. Her face turned towards the sun. The painting only reveals her back. She is wearing a yellow sundress with tiny cherries woven into the fabric. It rises just above her knees & the wind has blown it up slightly in the back. Sprigs of lavender are woven into her long curly hair. It is clear she has picked the buds from the field & tethered her hair with them. Her head is thrown back & her arms are slightly raised from her side. You can see chipped red nail polish on her nails. Her position in the painting make...

“Nearly everything that has happened to me has happened by surprise. All the important things have happened by surprise. And whatever has been happening usually has already happened before I have had time to expect it. The world doesn’t stop because you are in love or in mourning or in need of time to think. And so when I thought I was in my story or in charge of it, I really have been only on the edge of it, carried along. Is this because we are in an eternal story that is happening partly in time?” ~ Wendell Berry – from the novel “Jayber Crow” I was struck by this quote while perusing David ArmsWebsite . I missed church today; quite on purpose I might add. I was feeling desolate, used up, & tarnished. My heart was literally aching – sharp stabbing pains running through my chest. I was certain I might die; food & Grey’s Anatomy my only solace. There is a delicious little line in one of City Harmonic’s songs, the title escapes me, which says, “I was so busy livi...