Rantings of a Mad Woman!!!

I'm doing this is dark purple...oh yeah, cause I'm cool like that. I have so much running through my head right now that "Rantings of a Mad Woman" is the ONLY way I can share what I'm thinking. I have no idea where this post is going, but just please bear with me as I try to get through it.

I spent the evening with Kat...sorry Gayla we forgot our cameras...next time! You know what she told me...that I'm INSINCERE...now before you go getting all bent out of shape it wasn't anything like a comfortation, in fact it was the most loving and truthful display of love and honesty that I've experienced in my life in a long time. She was just like Melissa when I first met you I felt like you got bored with me and the situation around you and I felt you were insincere in some of your actions. Well, she didn't know because I hadn't shared with her that this is one of the biggest things I've been struggling with in my Christian walk as of late...living and authentic life, not even a Christian life, but being real and honest with who and what I am. I have struggled with the thought that everything that I do in say is fake, and I'm wondering if there is any true and honest fiber in the tapestry I've woven and so foolishly called my life.

The truth of the matter is that I can be very insincere...and I often wonder if others precieve that as well. It goes far beyond being bored with a situation, I have so many thoughts going on in my head, things that I think are very important, and I'm trying to compartmentalize everything at once and then I lose focus very quickly. I choose to be a million places at once instead of making a concious choice of being fully and completely present in the situation that I'm in and with the person I'm with. What an absolute waste of time, and precious communion I have missed out on. I wonder how many others have seen my insincerity and just haven't had the guts to say, you know you really shouldn't do that...it ain't cool.

I'm so utterly concerned with what others think about me that I work so hard to mold myself into what I want I think they want to be, that I know that I come off fake, and I wonder if I've lost myself in the process!!! It is so hard for me to think someone wouldn't like me, but it is like drinking alcohol at a party to loosen you up...but in the end you drink to much and it makes you look like an ass. I'm so concerned about what others think that I try to mold myself into a lovable, kind, attentive person and I want everyone to know that I love them so they will love me in turn that I end up looking like a total dumb ass!

Oh my goodness gracious me! I'm not beating up on myself, I'm really not...I'm just really astounded at how I allow myself to be, and like I said before I've picked up old baggage that I thought I'd left on the curb a long time ago.

I've also been thinking...in this whole process of feeling absolutely numb, not feeling anything, wanting to do anything to feel stage that I've been going through over the weekend in particular...about two certain posts that I've written...

SO I'M WEAK were I talk about my weaknesses and short comings and 30 RANDOM FACTS ABOUT ME...enough said! Why I don't really know, but as I go back and read this in the body of my blog I'm going to find out!!!

Stay with me people...or not...however God leads! So, through my dry and parched time, where I've been half numb half mad at God, questioning a lot of what He says and why it has to be that way, and not caring at all...I've been really afraid of reading the Sacred Romance, one I kinda got burned on the Ransomed Heart forum, and found out that avenue really was NOT for me, and second we were going to have to talk about the arrows in the next chapter and I remember how very hard it was to even bear it the first time, and now I have to go back and drudge all this junk up again, but as I went through reading line after line of this chapter out loud my heart was screaming truth after truth from it...

"I cried when I was born and every day shows why." - George Herbert

"There are only two things that pierce the human heart...one is beauty the other affliction."

"He will save you form the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day." (Psalm 91: 3-5)

The arrows..."their message is always the same: Kill the heart. Divorce it, neglect it, run fromm it, or indulge it with some anesthetic (our various addictions). Think of how you've handled the affliction that has pierced your own heart. How did the Arrows come to you? Where did they land? Are they still there? What have you done as a result?" ..."The Arrows also taint and partially direct even our spiritual life."

"This is the story of all our lives, in one way or another. The haunting of the Romance and the Message of the Arrows are so radically different and tehy seem so mutually exclusive they split our hearts in two. In every way that the Romance is full of beauty and wonder, the Arrows are equally powerful in their ugliness and devastation. The Romance seems to promise a life of wholeness through a deep connection with the great Heart behind the universe. The Arrows deny it, telling us, "You are on your own. There is no Romance, no one strong and kind who is calling you to an exotic adventure." The Romance says, "This world is a benevolent place." The arrows mock su naivete, warning us, "Just watch yourself - disaster is a moment away." The Romance invites us to trust. The Arrows intimidate us into self-reliance."

"The Arrows strike at the most vital places in our hearts, the things we care most about. The deepest questions we ever ask are directly related to our heart's greatest needs and the answers life gives us shape our images of ourselves, of life, and of God. Who am I? The Romance whispers that we are someone special, that our heart is good because it is made of someone good, the Arrows tell us we are a dime a dozen, worthless, even dark and twisted, dirty. Where is life to be found? The Romance tells us life will flourish when we give it away in love and heroic sacrifice. The Arrows tell us that we must arrange for what little life there may be, manipulating our world and all the while watching our backs. "God is good," the Romance tells us. "You can release the well-being of your heart to him." The Arrows strike back, "Don't ever let life out of your control," and they seem to impale with such authority, unlike the gentle urges of the Romance, that in the end we are driven to find some way to contain them. The only way seems to be to kill our longing for the Romance, much in the same way we harden our heart to someone who hurts us. If I don't want so much, we believe, I won't be so vulnerable. Instead of dealing with the Arrows, we silence the longing. That seems to be our only hope. And so we lose heart."

Oh how I live in the thick of this...the battle of the arrows and the Romance...to love Christ and to deny self...to quit living insincere and live authentically!

A few things that have been on my mind lately...

1. I want praise and glory...lets just get right down to it. I want people to think I'm special, I want people to see me as something spectacular!
2. I can be very manipulative in getting my way, even lying, or spinning a story in such a way to get the desired effect...I've come a long way in this one and am learning to be more truthful.
3. I would die to make you like me, but if you don't I get puffed up and think I'm better than you.
4. I'm better than most people...this is what I tell myself.
5. I'm prideful...and uncertain.
6. I'm weak...
7. I say it is not about me, but it is!
8. I have an outpouring of love and support, yet I'm lonely I want more, I'm not satisfied...I want these people to love me to, because they are special and it will make me feel special.
9. I terribly selfish...and have learned to selfish to get married at this point.
10. I've realized that I want a man that I not only think is handsome, but that others find handsome as well, a showpiece!
11. I find myself toying with the thought of a relationship with a man who is not a Christian...that somehow I could change him, or that our love would be enough.
12. I want to be physically loved!
13. I am smart, funny, pretty, and nice!
14. I do love others deeply and truly just want them to know that from the bottom of my heart, but more importantly I want them to know that their is a Saviour who loves them beyond compare.
15. I used to think that if I did all the right things, and lived just the right way that I could save someone's soul...make them want what I had...since Kyle's death I'm more about living.
16. I've bogged my life down with so much knowledge of what is wrong and write...how I should date...or not date, what boundaries I should set with my heart, that I've become more of a rule book than a lover of the heart...I've learned that I've set conditions on loving a person...and I'm bound by that instead of living freely!
17. I'm going to start living, and you know what I'm going to trust God not ME!
18. I think Catholics are Christians!
19. Little House on the Prairie moves me in ways that are just beyond my understanding...I could never live in another time period...this show is precious to me.
20. I love my family beyond words...they are so precious to me, but we all have our closet of dirty little secrets.
21. I have no idea where I'm going with this.
22. I can not tolerate racist bigots and I have no problem with interracial relationships.
23. I like all kinds of music even country!
24. I want to be famous!!
25. I get scared that people will see my faith as a sham...see me as fake, or that I won't be able to stand my ground when my faith is questioned.
26. I would be stronger if someone held a gun to my head and said that my life would be spared if I denied Christ than if someone simply asked me..."Do you think I'm going to hell if I don't believe in your Christ!"
27. I want people to love Christ the way I do, more importantly feel His love the way I do, but I don't know how to give out these candy coated waterdrops, and I end up skrewing up the whole thing with my conditions and regulations, with my need to keep my faith close and personal...to make it about me...how do you let God speak through you!
28. Gayla made the statement that "Melissa, loves the Lord" on her blog...my first reaction was..."Do I?"
29. I love Ghost Stories and Halloween and Magic...

30. I miss camping and my Papa!
31. I have absolutely no desire to go to film school...NONE! I struggle with the have to aspect of it...is God really saying that I have to go to film school. I mean I'm not just pouting like a child over it...I really struggle with if it is God's will!
32. I don't have a peaceful faith...never have!
33. I want to be loved!
34. I believe in fairytales...no matter what anyone says...I think with a level of honesty, humbleness, and true commitment it can be achieved.
35. I want out of my house!
36. Sometimes I feel so stupid....like I know many things, but not one thing well.
37. I want to do so much and I feel like I'm running out of time.
38. I'm scared that I will look back 10 years down the road and be in the same mindset!
39. I'm a SWAN!
40. I like dark...it is comforting!
41. I'm 10 miles wide and an 8th of an inch deep!
42. Sometimes I hate my job so much!
43. Part of me wants to work, part of me feels like work gets in the way of all I want to do.
44. I want to be part of something big.
45. I want to act...I want to pour myself completely into a rich and powerful character...I want feel what that is like again...I crave it...I ache for it!
46. I long to know how to salsa and line dance...what a strange combination.
47. I want to learn martial arts.
48. Sometimes I wish I had something other than such curly curly hair.
49. I want to feel the rush of a first kiss.
50. Why I made this list...I have no idea!

Now you can truly see why it is the Rantings of a mad woman!!!


Melissa said…
Holly said…
I will be e-mailing you darlin...
Carol said…
51. You are human!

I guess that means I can't read your blog anymore. You have weaknesses. I'll have to call my blog H.R. people and have them start interviewing perfect people who blog so I'll know who to read from now on.

Oh bladderdash! Have you not read the book of Genesis lately? This description of you sounds so much like any character I can pull out of Genesis (except Jesus, of course) that it's downright spooky.

The really funny thing is that your list is only 50 points long. I think I had more than that when I was your age. If it weren't for numbers 23 and 29, I'd swear you'd copied from my own list!

You are lovely and loveable.
Melissa said…

Oh how you lift my spirits up with this. Thank you so much! Please don't stop reading my blog...you are such a blessing to have.

I REALLY NEEDED TO HEAR...I'm lovely and loveable!

God Bless!

Layla...I'll be waiting for your email :)
daisymarie said…
Rant, rant on!!!! This is good stuff and I found so much to relate to here...especially your struggle to be real. THanks for being so good to share it!
Becca said…
hey dude... dont make yourself sound ANY worse then the rest of us. Cuz you most certainly are not. It's so hard for me to remember some of the stuff I've done or look at what I might do in the future. And hey, lately my big mouth has made me look like a dumbshit too.

At least we're mad women together.

go us!
~Kat said…

First, you gotta stop hanging out with Kat! She's wrecking your life!

(please don't)

Second, wow - to sit down and write all those whirling, spinning, thoughts-from-the-dollar-bill-wind-tunnel - I respect and appreciate it.

You are lovable. You are lovely. But above those things, you are you. No matter how you hide it or from whom, you go home everynight and look in that mirror, Melissa, and it's just you and you and God.

And that's who I want to be friends with. I want you to get bored with my conversation and then... I want you to tell me! I want you to just outright say, "Amy, you are rambling" - because that is something I struggle with!

By keeping those true Melissa-isms to yourself, you're robbing me of a blessing! You're robbing me of words that I can use to make myself more Christlike! You're robbing me of your discipleship and love! You're robbing me of your sincerity and truth - and Melissa, I want those things! I want brutal honesty and not in a candy-coated shell - but smeared all over me like honey so that it's not easy to forget it and move on!

We need this truth - if not for the sake of our being more open, for the sake of others being informed... we can't just JUSTIFY it inside our brains with, "Well, that's just how she is..." because in 30 years, I'll be the kind of person nobody wants to be around because all my "friends" kept saying, "she offends me.. but that's just how she is... I can deal with it."

Sure you can, but what about the other potential friends out there?? Ever think that God is inspiring that truth? That He is whispering things like, "Amy's selfish... you should tell her..." or "Has she even asked you how you're doing?? Does she even care?? You should ask her."

Okay - that went on a while - but this post is so real and raw and blunt and true and painful and I love it! And I love you! And this is exciting!

K. I'm done.
Anonymous said…
Melissa, honey, I love you! Thank you for being the awesome chick that God created you to be!
Bar L. said…
First of all, I love the spellcheck disclaimer at the top - I should do that more often on my blog.

Second, I LOVE this post and I LOVE you! I think a lot of the things you listed about yourself are things most of us (especially women) can relate to. Some of it is human nature (wanting to be loved...etc.)

I think I could spend an hour repsonding to this but the others above said a lot of what I would say so I'll just ditto terese and say I am SO GLAD YOU ARE THE AWESOME CHICK God created you to be!!!
Melissa said…
God bless each and every one of you!
Gigi said…
Let's talk amazing and complex....I sent you the email before reading this...What a God huh!!! becky

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