Reflection of Providence

It is virtually impossible to find someone who has not been affected by the thread of cancer in some form or fashion. I don't know of anyone in my immediate circle that doesn't know someone who has faced this disease. Even though it has been more than 20 years, watching my Grandfather's, who were salt of the earth, strong, hardworking men, wither & eventually succumb to cancer left an indelible mark on me. I was face to face with the real fragility of life. The humbling privilege I have of working as a weekend manager at the American Cancer Society Hope Lodge is a complete God thing. I would have never sought out a job like this one on my own. Yet, I cannot explain the peace that comes over me when I walk into this building. It is almost other worldly. In this job I have learned what grace is. I know that I don't get a portion of grace to store up, but I only receive grace when I need it most. I still struggle with the thought, "am a doing a good job?" B...

The one big thing that I have learned in the years I have taken care of children is what complete, complicated, emotional human beings they are! Yes, there are still areas where they are developing & growing, but they think, feel, & reason! It is in these moments when you realize what an AMAZING Creator we truly have! I have had the wonderful privilege of being a caretaker to seven amazing children for nearly four years! Six of those are in the same household… I would like to take a moment to share with you, as I have done every year, a little bit of who they are as “tiny humans”… THE SCALF FAMILY I had a dream one day that I would be able to have a job where I would care for children, take them on adventures, cuddle them when they go scared, & encourage them to be brave! It has been a dream that has been daily realized through my care of the Scalf children! While, there have been bumps, bruises, & hurts along this road, all in all it has been one of th...

It seems like a lifetime has passed since Waverly Hills - the etching of that night still strong in my mind. The memory of that wonderful evening will never leave me. I will hold onto it & treasure it as one of those moments in time where you realize you are just along for the ride. This moment is not a result of anything you have done, but a deep privilege – so enjoy it! I knew so little of AGH. I am so thankful for that now.   I didn’t have the opportunity to go in with any pre-conceived ideas of the movie or the individuals. The experience began as a completely blank canvas which, in the end, was filled with the most complex, rich, colorful painting imaginable. In the five months since, my personal life has taken some wonderfully unexpected & painfully beautiful turns. The hard decisions, the wounds I caused, the fear of things never getting put back together were, it turns out, rich blessings in disguise. I suddenly understood that I could take hard change ...

There is always a dull ache for me to put pen to parchment. It usually happens at the most inopportune moments. When I’m working, driving, or doing basic algebra. I used to write every day…EVERY DAY! Now my journal is collecting dust & I find it increasingly more difficult to hold onto those epiphany moments. This time of year would usually consist of Hot Chocolate, Christmas music & my little fingers stroking the keyboard pouring out some sappy, slightly melodramatic Christmas story for all to read. I’m missing these moments…the moments that made me a bit saner. I’ve been a wee bit neurotic here lately. I’m playing the “pretty please” game…”pretty please won’t you like me!” I’m driving myself a bit batty. I feel untethered, lost & floating in an expanse of nothingness. I feel, often, like I’m peering in at my life through a porthole. This rich, amazing, unbelievable life God has given me. I’ve been treating my heart a bit like an ash heap - the refuse of this life s...

There are very few truly compelling TV shows out there anymore. Even those that get a lot of buzz seem to be missing that one vital piece of the puzzle. It’s great television, riveting even, with a whole lot of character driven moments, but it misses the heart as a whole. It plays to what the audience will like, not what the audience needs. When I first started watching “Sons of Anarchy” I would have never thought it would quickly become one of my favorite shows. It truly is a show that goes against the norm & gives the audience what it needs. The strong plot, family ties, & rich characters make this world come alive for me. The creator, writers, directors, actors that bring this piece together are so talented that the journey to becoming deeply invested in those living in Charming is easy. Gemma, Gemma, Gemma…is the second reason I stay glued in. Well, really all the strong female characters. The strength, heart, & fierce love these women have, with all their fa...

I see my faith before me It’s always there before me And I can no more own it Than I can own the road that I am on. I don’t know where it leads me I don’t know where it leads me Peace and resurrection Suffering and dejection I don’t know. And my body’s tired From trying to bring you here. And my brow is furrowed Trying to see things clear. So I’ll turn my back to the black And fall And wait for the mystery To rise up and meet me. -Mystery, Sara Groves There is a distinct reason why this brilliant woman is one of my favorite artists. She has a genuine and simply honest vulnerability that cuts to the core of who I am. Her music is like a bond of hope and purpose to my ever cracking alabaster. These last few months, to say the least, have been extremely painful for me. I’ve struggled with the who’s, the why’s, the “my faults” of it all. I desperately try to grasp hold with tangible hands to fix the order that inevitably keeps slipping out of my control. The art of truly letting go, surre...