Reflection of Providence

It's like waking up in pitch! Not just the mere black before your eyes, but the HOT, HIGH, fevered sweat that flows over fom the heat. The fumes flood the senses causing your stomach to heave until you expel the waste upon the black tide. This only adds to the putrid smell. In the end, the worst part isn't an upset stomach, the heat, or that you cannot see a hair beyond your head. It's simply the "stuckness" of it all. This binding feeling of not being able to move. You can't right yourself. The more you wiggle the more you mire...what is the use of fighting anyway!

(I wrote a previous blog with this title, but I've decided to sort of ignore this particular journal entry & re-write my thoughts currently.) I fear rejection. I know what you think of me. I can read your mind. I'm an extremely internal person. It is so difficult for me to let that wall down & let others in. I deeply desire intimacy, but often shudder at the thought of what I will have to do to get it. The fear of being too much or not enough echos in my mind. I tend, once I've tasted a small drop of intimacy from someone, to go overboard. It is very difficult for me to find a balance. Nonetheless, there is a deep yawning need for intimacy in my life. I just need to be me - all of me. I need that person to love all of it - the good, the bad, the ugly! This I have found with only a precious few! I love to encourage. I love to give. It is far more comfortable for me to listen, to give, to be an encourager, than it is for me to extend myself. Putting myself out there, ...

First written 3/6/09 I love me some Jason Mraz. His witty intelligent way of engaging the world. I love to read his blog. Intelligence is sexy. He has it in great abundance. I actually had to quell my heart quivers & face blushes for a time by NOT reading his blog :). On the more important side of things, he always compels me to write - big fat rich ideas flood to the surface. I grab my worn edged journal & begin quickly transcribing my flying thoughts on paper. In no way do I want to transplant his thoughts into my blog, nor do I believe I can interpret them. I would like to share some of the ideas he gave, to the best of my meager ability, & expound on my own. THIS IS MY BLOG! (Mwahahahahahaha! - maniacal laughing is long & gives you hand cramps! - if of course, you transcribed this in your journal & then transferred it to your blog :) Mr. Mraz is very prolific & I envision him being much like myself - not being able to expel his thoughts as quickly as he can ...

Written 9/9/07 So, I say that it is about surrender or the "art of surrender", but I'm struggling with the "how"... What does it really mean to surrender my ALL to God? I think first we need to recognize the character of God. My pastor has been talking a lot about God's justice. It is nice to be familiar with God, but do we sacrifice reverent fear for comfortable familiarity? When we say things like "God's my bro", "the big man in the sky", "Jesus is my homeboy" it cheapens the very essence of who the Divine is. He is HOLY - set apart - other! It is great to liken God to your husband, which is the status I find most familiar for myself. However, He is also the Lord Almighty, Loving King, Gracious Father, Prince of Peace, Lamb of Judah, Rock of Jesse, All Powerful, All Knowing, All in All...I AM! He is the same God from Old to New! We cannot embrace the God of the New Testament while dismissing the Old as irrelevant. Jesus is...

My heart was drawn to my front porch this evening. I was beckoned by the crisp night air & the ever changing sky. I chose three half read books, my journal, The Voice New Testament, & a Taste of Home Magazine. I lifted a silent prayer as I sat on my ever sagging front porch bench. I was transfixed by the wonder of the moving painting above me. The birds sang their song in delight. Loud exhausts fired & died under gentle fingertips. Neighborhood children ran & played & giggled this fine May evening. I was restless. I had attempted with all my might to avoid this trip to the porch. It had been over a month since I had a proper date with God. I didn't want to have a date with God. I was scared of the disconnect. I was uncertain if the only thing I would hear were the birds chirping. I read about the "ontological density" which is "the lack of deep groundedness of being" in my Ransomed Heart Newsletter. In the simple Newsletter God met me. He oft...

You can find it over on FB...until I get my computer working this is how I have to post things... Riding off into the Sunset...Sunrise!

I envision myself in a room. The wallpaper curls from the walls like scoops of ice cream. The paper is a faded puke green color; mold hugs the baseboard as if it were the glue that held the walls together. The floor is planked. Half inch spaces display blue-gray water lapping at the posts supporting this fragmented vessel. The air is acrid. The smell of decay burns my nose and causes my eyes to water. In the left hand corner sits a strong box to which only I have the combination. It sits in stark contradiction to the shambles surrounding it. The weight of it alone threatens the demise of this decaying room. Inside is my heart – throbbing, pounding, hurting, & preserved. This is how I deal with the fall - the loss of Eden. I self-preserve. I put up the walls that no man would dare breach. It is how I have dealt with pain, hurt, heartache all of my life. If I could cut it off at the pass, somehow control it, then I could marginalize the damage. If I simply did not open my heart wide ...