Reflection of Providence

She clutched nothingness by the jugular while her meager vessel cut through the shimmering glass of this placid sea. Pouring out memories of reindeer hooves, campfire songs, chilly night swims, delicious sunsets, the kiss of a sunrise, and the unexplored passion of a first kiss she attempted to stay afloat above the throe. Her leaking paper cup wasn’t fast enough; spilling more back into the shell than desired, working feverishly she didn’t even notice the shore or the silhouette…a man reaching…reaching for her… I’ve been dealing with the lack of feeling lately. That is the best way to describe it. My safe harbor is my mind, which incidentally is also a war torn land where great battles are fought and often lost. However, I have found a safe haven amongst the mortar blasts, debris, death, and devastation…a comfortable sort of numb that allows me to contend with my hallow dreams and broken heart. Like a cracked vessel that stands in front of the light she is to reflect rather than turni...

...much more where this came from!!! Hello Everyone! I know that is has been awhile since I’ve written. Actually a few days ago I had written something, just poured out my very soul and being and when I hit the POST button it went poof into the atmosphere. I wasn’t upset. I was saddened that I didn’t get to share my thoughts with you, but there was a reason why God didn’t want that posted. There have been other little things that have happened this week like that. Little things that could have easily set me spinning into panic, frustration, and ciaos, but I’m trying to just let them rush over me, because in the end it does no good but just waste my precious time when I freak out over such things. Yet, I still desire to spill forth my very being to you. If I am going to use this blog truly as a diary then I should be able to just spill myself out and get relief, but my heart sins have made me feel very numb and I’m uncertain that I will be able to share fully what’s on my heart or if I ...

Just wanted to drop a few lines before I actually did some work at work...hee! hee! I've finally revisited all your blogs and caught up for the most part! You have been busy little bees! I have tried unsuccessfully to post something on Gayla's blog, so dear know that I will be emailing you when I get home...and all in all I started off my morning exactly how I said I wouldn't...in a bad mood. Remember me telling you that Amy and I think satan is tacky...well, this morning once again affirms my feelings on that subject are true! This weekend in fact, this last week! While I won't go into details I'm allowing those lovely little heart sins to turn me into ash! However, how merciful and gracious Father works best from the Ashes! Just wanted all of you to know that I love you dearly and deeply and am blessed by the passion and thought you are putting into each of your posts. I'm truly blown away and almost overwhelmed by what I've been reading....you guys just R...

Hey everyone got some random pics for you to enjoy! I also would like you all to remember me and all the staff at Barnes and Noble tomorrow as we remember Kyle with a remembrance dinner tomorrow from 12-6pm! My sister Michelle wrote the most beautiful poem in her memory...I encourage you to check it out. I posted it on my Writer's Corner . Well, that's about it. Enjoy the pics...

Oh Beautiful Sunrise! 

Darth Vador is checking me out! 

OOO..La La...Sexy Ladies...My mom on the left, mys sis on the right! 

Meredith is so cute!

The sisters...Michelle on the Left Meredith on the right! 

I wish I was there! CLICK HERE TO SEE MORE PICTURES!

Just little ole' me...nothin' special! 

Me and Mom hangin out at the Pub! 

My sis Meredith on the left and my cousin Jen on the right...this was such a beautiful wedding! 

My cousin Jennifer and her husband Brent...ok girls you know you wanna...AWWW! 

Oh Happy Baby! 

YUMMY! 

The Handsome Man's hands! 

Isn't he completely smoochable! 

Caleb LOVED tormenting Butterfinger, our dog, by getting in his bed!! 

So, this is a story a while back I said I would share with you, it is a story about running ahead of God in pursuit of your own desires. It is a story of how God breaks you, even literally to have you slow down and submit to His will. It is a great part of the fabric of my testimony and I can't believe I left it out. I first discovered Liberty University watching a video of one of my favorite bands DC Talk. They had all attended Liberty and it lit the first ember in my heart to attend there. I was a Freshman in highschool...as the years grew I began to learn more about Liberty and when I finally decided what God was calling me to do with a film career I began to see what Liberty had to offer in the way of a Film Major. They truly have one of the best Film Major's within a Christian College and I was even more confident that this is where Jesus wanted me to go. I had made up my mind that this was the place for me. I immediately contacted the school and got hooked up with an ad...

So, let's talk about her!!!! You all know how I feel about Todd Agnew, and I'm thankful to some of you for sharing that you picked up his CD because of what I said and that you are being blessed by him. Sara Groves is so personal to my heart it is even hard to write this post. Her music is the most profound I have heard in Christian music today. She speaks with heart and conviction and writes exactly where she is in life...her struggles, her fears...the power and subtly of her lyrics, the soft and rich voice that carries the lyrics straight to your soul, the brilliant soothing and moving music that infuses every song with feeling moves you beyond compare. Never, in my history of music has an artist moved me the way that she does. Oh many have come close...Caedmon's Call, Nichole Nordeman, Ginny Owens...and I'm amazed at each of their talents and how they can always seem to deliver to my soul. But, it as if Sara peels back the skin across my chest and peers right into m...

I just got the most beautiful delicious smelling gorgeous amazingingly colorful...deep reds, delicious yellows, beautiful greens, and a baby gourd...yes I said a baby gourd, beautifully arranged in an elegant vase...and you know what I deserved them. Everyone at work were like oooo and ahhhh! Wanting to know where I got them, who sent them, etc... I just felt so warm and special, not to mention that this absolutely BEAUTIFUL guy, literally one of the most lovely looking men I have ever seen saw me get flowers :) :) I just have to thank Mary K for the thoughtful and caring gesture. I'm looking at them right now as I'm writing this and am just humbled and thankful and blessed. I DESERVED FLOWERS...I WAS WORTH IT!...HURRAY!!!!

First, I just want to thank each and everyone of you for the lovely things that you wrote. I appreciate those who gave me encouragement and those that just said they loved me. Honestly though, when I was writing this it was so theraputic it wasn't at all beating up on myself. As you could see from the list I had both good and bad things...like Kat said, a very honest and raw representation of myself. (I will NEVER quit hanging out with you dear!) While, I appreciate the encouragement from everyone and I could never ever do without it, so keep it coming...I realize that that post was far more for me than anyone else. I was slipping away, forgetting who I was, struggling with who I want to be, and who I want God to be in me, and I just needed to let it all go! This weekend once again, not sure what it is about weekends, maybe its me working every freakin' Saturday this month, but I began to retreat back into a little shell. My pastor had a lovely sermon, a sermon I needed to hear...

Got this off JettyBetty's blog: First Memory: I can't remember :) First Kiss: Not yet :) First Concert: I can't remember the first one I went to, but I remember the first one I loved going to and that was the Freak Show concert in Nashville TN! It was the first time I had been in Nashville and I LOVED that city, and my two favorite bands were playing back to back...Audio Adrenaline and DC Talk. I got to meet Audio A out front and I got to go back stage to meet DCT...AWESOME! First Love: I haven't been in love! (current crush: Nathan Fillion!) First Lust: Jonathan Brandis First Thing I Think In The Morning: It's to early to be morning...a great oxymoron...I know! First Book I Remember Loving: Mrs. Mike First Pet: Bridget the dog (don't know what kind of dog, but I loved that dog) First Question I'll Ask In Heaven: Where's Jesus! I wanna see my Jesus! First Thing I Think Of When I Hear The Word Vacation: No Stress! Mountains, babbling brooks, NO STRESS! Fi...

I'm doing this is dark purple...oh yeah, cause I'm cool like that. I have so much running through my head right now that "Rantings of a Mad Woman" is the ONLY way I can share what I'm thinking. I have no idea where this post is going, but just please bear with me as I try to get through it. I spent the evening with Kat...sorry Gayla we forgot our cameras...next time! You know what she told me...that I'm INSINCERE...now before you go getting all bent out of shape it wasn't anything like a comfortation, in fact it was the most loving and truthful display of love and honesty that I've experienced in my life in a long time. She was just like Melissa when I first met you I felt like you got bored with me and the situation around you and I felt you were insincere in some of your actions. Well, she didn't know because I hadn't shared with her that this is one of the biggest things I've been struggling with in my Christian walk as of late...living ...

Hey everyone! I've thined out some people in my blog family and added new ones so be sure to check that out. I'm also working on adding new things to the sidebar and yes dare I say even posting some more creative writing on my Writer's Corner. All tenative at the moment. I just wanted to take a few moments to introduce you to two new people to my blogging family. CASSANDRA'S VISIONS Cassandra and I went to the same church in highschool. We became fast friends relishing in the same styles of music and just really connecting on a whole number of things. She is still to this date one of the dearest people in my life. We have had some hard times, and both our lives have taken some twists and turns we never anticipated, but in the end we have remained true and solid friends. She has a beautiful daughter Jasmine, and I'm blessed beyond measure to have been there for the birth of this treasure and light. I was also equally delighted to see that Cassie had a blog. I think y...

...that's about all I can say! I have been in a real reclusive mode these last several days...not working things out, working them out, etc... I'm frankly struggling with some internal baggage! However, God is gracious and the mercies are new every morning. Will write more later and will be catching up on your blogs soon :)

Thank you everyone who commented on my previous post. There are so many treasured people in my life, new blog family that I've yet to add to my list and visit their blogs right and proper, old blog family, and so much more. I thank you all for this truth that you have put at my feet...I know that Satan would absolutely delight in me wallowing in my self pity...but this is NOT about me. I just have to share something with you. I have always been the one that does things for other people. I am the one who always cares first, gives first, loves first. I rarely see any receprication from what I do. I'm not complaining mind you. I delight in my service to others, but sometimes you need your heart loved on you know. Sometimes you need someone to listen to the Lord and actually come to you and speak divine truth over you heart. You need to see someone broken over a situation even though they know none involved. You need to find solace in a TRUE friend. Now, I know if many of you were ...

You know what?!!!!! I'm the most selfish person on the planet!!! I'm so consumed with me!!! How utterly ridiculous!.... As many of you already know one of my co-workers was found dead in her apartment this evening. She had committed suicide. It was very calculated. She had taken vacation time, put her things in order, wrote a note saying who got what, and then took an overdose. We became very concerned when she did not come into work this morning. She was only 20 years old. She felt like her life wasn't worth living...this beautifully captivating, sassy, gorgeous young woman felt such despair she didn't think she could go on living...and what did I do, NOTHING!!! I was so consumed, was God whispering to me and I just didn't hear it! She was, by my full knowledge, not a Christian, therefore her blood is on my hands. I had the opportunity and I never once opened my mouth to say Christ loves you so much! She thought she would find peace and she walked into despair!!! (...